The Guard
by cjmuehlb
Summary: The newborn battle is over and Bella is dead.   Can Edward survive without her?  How can the Cullens save Edward from himself and his bad decisions.  Does he want to be saved?  Can Edward find another reason to live? MAJOR ANGST. GRAPHIC VAMPIRE VIOLENCE
1. Fall

_DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended._

_**The newborn battle is over and Bella is dead. Can Edward survive without her? Can the Cullen's save him from himself and his bad decisions? Does he want to be saved? This is the story of Edward's journey of self-discovery. Can Edward find another reason to live? This story takes place six months after the end of Eclipse. Canon couples. **_

_**This story is very angsty and has scenes of extreme violence against vampires and humans. Consider yourself warned.**_

**_Told mostly from Edward's POV with some insight from Carlisle._**

* * *

_Edward?_

The familiar voice sounded far away. Concerned. Had my name been just a fleeting thought or was I being called. I tried to focus on the source of the interruption. A vision of Bella lying in our meadow amongst a plethora of purple wildflowers broke up and drifted away. I realized that I was sitting at my desk, staring at blank computer monitor, my hands balled in fists in my lap. With some effort, my eyes shifted to the doorway. Carlisle was there, watching me, waiting for an answer. But what was the question? I couldn't recall. I searched his thoughts, winced at the familiar anxiety I saw there, but could ascertain nothing else.

"Yes," I said tentatively. My tone could have been in response to a question, or an acknowledgement of my name, whatever seemed appropriate. He nodded. Hesitated.

"We'll leave shortly…"

Then, as slowly and deliberately as any human, he left my room.

Leave? Leave where? I felt a slight sense of panic. I probed his mind. Nothing. He was blocking his thoughts. Frustrated, I sought out and found Emmett and focused on him. He was thinking about hunting, disappointed that we would be hunting close to the house. So that was the question; we were going hunting, a short hunt. I knew why of course. The why was because of my refusal to go for long weekend hunts with any of my family, my refusal to leave Bella, though I couldn't voice _that _reason out loud.

I thought about calling Carlisle back, telling him no, hoping they would leave without me, maybe for several days, leave me in peace, but that would only draw suspicions. Carlisle had caught me in an unguarded moment. He would not be easily swayed into believing that I had simply been distracted. He didn't often have to traipse up three flights of stairs to fetch me. He would be watching, gauging my mood. I sighed.

In my room I felt safe to drift away, remember her, be with her. In my room she was still with me, her scent, her warm skin, her kind, depthless, brown eyes. I felt her, craved her, hungered for her and after a time, with no interruptions, her presence in the room would solidify, her image would be real; almost. But if I let her hold on me keep me behind closed doors, there would be more worried thoughts from my family, thoughts that I tried to keep out now; their pitying looks and sad gazes would be followed by a reassessment of the progress they had perceived I had been making after all of these months.

I sighed again. No, it was best to go. Besides I was thirsty. It had been almost two weeks since I'd last fed. Spending the night with my family, trying to be normal, would buy me several days of freedom and time alone with my memories. And I needed that alone time, so I could remember properly. Leaving now was just a small price to pay for the hours of bittersweet bliss that awaited my return. I grabbed a jacket out of habit and with one soulful glance back I whispered to my empty room. "I'll be back soon Bella, my love, take care of my heart."

I was relieved to see only Emmett and Rosalie waiting for me with Carlisle. A barrage of emotions, thoughts and silent questions would not hound me on this trip with Esme and Alice's absence. Emmett offered me a grin and I smiled back, noting through his eyes that the smile looked like a painful grimace under my own hollow black eyes, in a drawn pale face.

_Poor kid, he looks like hell._

Emmett, thankfully, didn't voice his observation out loud and instead, ever jovial, he cuffed me lightly on the head as I passed by. "Well look who decided to grace us with his presence".

"If I'd have known you were coming…" I trailed off, trying to make my voice snide and sarcastic, something that use to come naturally for me. I saw Carlisle's eyebrow go up and I wondered if he had mentioned my hunting companions when he'd asked me to accompany them. I still could not read him. He was being very, very careful.

"Hunting is beginning to feel like a chore, what with Rosalie always complaining about her hair. I want to have fun," Emmett groused, throwing his wife an apologetic look as she glowered at him.

_Good luck having fun with Edward. _

She meant the comment to be heard, but I ignored her, following Carlisle out the door.

* * *

Emmett remained at my side, or rather I remained at Emmett's as we moved through the thick foliage barely touching the ground. He was the easiest to be with, the least intrusive and the least concerned. He didn't acknowledge my black moods, drowning depression and my inability to communicate with him on anything more than a rudimentary basis. I hadn't tried to dissect his reactions or lack thereof, to my moods preferring to believe that he didn't think me on the edge of some breakdown as the rest of my family did. Perhaps his nonchalant attitude was his way of hiding what he was really feeling, hiding his thoughts the way others did by concentrating on specific tasks or in Carlisle case, thinking in Arabic or endlessly reciting medical terms. All I knew is that being with Emmett wasn't a chore, wasn't a dreaded confrontation, and I much preferred his company over anyone else in the house.

With regret, I realized that if anything, Emmett avoided me. I wasn't the same Edward he had known and I think he mourned the loss of the old me, who despite all my flaws had an appreciation for the fun and silliness that made up our relationship. I tried to concentrate, to remember what our relationship had been, determined to give Emmett some peace even if I couldn't find any myself. I slapped Emmett on the back with a contrived playfulness and burst into an all out run with Emmett at my heels. Despite Rosalie's non verbal protests from somewhere behind us, we passed on a small herd of deer just miles from the house. I longed for the exhilarated feeling of the run and Emmett, picking up my mood, increased the pumping of his legs in a futile attempt to keep up. Rosalie with a frustrated hiss, darted after a lone deer undoubtedly eager to feed and head home; it had begun to rain.

Emmett sighed, throwing me an exasperated look which gave me the opportunity to quip,

"Hey, you married her,"

I saw his thoughts before he acted upon them and gracefully dodged away as he threw himself at me, in an attempt to wrestle. His massive frame tumbled end over and end, crashing and taking down several young saplings before he regained his footing.

_Cheater._

He was up in an instant, charging at me again. This time I didn't dart out of the way as I saw his intent and let him plow into me with the full power of his considerable strength.

_Gottcha!_

But before he could enjoy his advantage too much, I rolled him and tossed him off me, quickly springing to my feet and breaking into run. He was up and after me in an instant, and I adjusted my pace to allow him to get closer, just barely out of reach of me. I could feel his internal frustration and a small amount of brotherly rage, as he tried and failed to catch me. Yes this is what I longed for again, the camaraderie with my brother that didn't include any of the angst, sorrow and fears for my sanity that clouded the rest of my family's thoughts when they dealt with me.

In the early days, right after it happened, I'd longed to end my existence and try to follow Bella into that other life. I had little hope that I would actually find her. Wasn't I a soulless monster with no chance of redemption? How could I ever conceive that I would be granted an everlasting life with the women I loved? But the thought of spending all of eternity on this earth without her, without her in it somewhere, was unfathomable to me.

And the guilt, perhaps even more overpowering was endless feelings of guilt. It was my fault she had fallen in love with a blood thirsty monster, my fault that she had turned away from her human life, ready to embrace the a soulless existence, my fault she was dead. Forget I was a monster, forget that I had no soul, and didn't deserve her, didn't deserve to be happy, I had risked then forfeited her life all in an effort to disguise my never ending despair over my own circumstances. Not only was I a monster, I was an evil, selfish deceitful one.

My family, much to my dismay, made sure running off to Italy would not be easy. My passport was confiscated, I was under twenty-four hour surveillance by one or more of them at any given time; and Alice was always _watching_. I was told and retold how Bella would not have wanted me to end my own life, how horrified she would be that her death would be the catalyst for my own demise. But the most persuasive argument came from Esme, who with a mother's understanding and love, inspired me to believe that it was my duty to carry on Bella's memory for all of eternity. I OWED her. If not I, then who would? She was an only child, her parents would be dead within the next half century, there was no one else, no other family. It was my duty to remember her, how she looked, her warm liquid, brown eyes, her dark mahogany hair, her pale complexion and beautiful full lips, and more importantly, her beautiful soul, her unselfishness, her kindness, her forgiving nature and how she loved me, passionately and without reservation; even her stubbornness and her endearing clumsiness that was so uniquely her. It was my duty to remember these things. With my head cradled in Esme's lap, her encouraging words sounded reasonable, something that I could do for my Bella, a self imposed purgatory for all the rest of my days.

It was torturous to exist, but this in itself allowed me some penance for what I had done. This was my punishment. I should not be allowed to extricate myself from my responsibilities to Bella, because of the pain it caused me. I'd thought I'd been managing, been fulfilling my new destiny while putting my families fears of my self destructive tendencies behind me . I was determined to be the Edward they wanted me to be. The Edward I'd heard Emmett wish for in silent fleeting unguarded thought.

_The "Before Bella" Edward. _

I sucked in a painful breath at that thought. Even with all of my faults, all of my trademark insecurities, the loneliness, angry, moodiness and self loathing that was part of my existence during my pre-Bella time, that is what my family wanted back. As I clung to my memories of her, my family wanted me to forget. Not possible for a vampire. But I knew that to give them some piece of mind I had to let them think that I was moving on, moving forward and my conscious shift to put my family's worries at ease had not been in vain.

Focusing more on their thoughts I found that it took very little to alleviate their constant apprehension over my fragile mental state. No longer did I barricade myself in my room for days on end with little or no interaction with my family. I made a conscious effort to join their games which I was now always welcome to play, the conversations about our plans to move from Forks and short hunts, particularly with Emmett and Jasper. I played the piano for Esme, test drove Rosalie's souped up cars, teased Alice mercilessly about her latest fashions, showed interest in learning new languages (particularly Arabic) much to Carlisle's pleasure and suspicion and tried to keep my emotional meltdowns limited. And while doing all of this, I was still able to concentrate on Bella, each new activity reminding me of her, how she would react, what she would be thinking if she was there enjoying it with me. She was always with me, at my side, my invisible companion and this brought me some small amount of pleasure.

* * *

Catching the scent of a larger herd of deer to the East, I adjusted my direction and speed and forgot about everything but the hunt. I was thirsty, more so than I realized and blissfully let my instincts take over, one of the few times I didn't have to think about anything. My legs were pumping hard and fast, my feet barely touching the ground, Emmett had fallen well back and I could vaguely hear his frustration as he knew I would easily beat him to our prey, scatter them, pick the choicest among them and have one drained before he could take down his first. The thought pleased me and at that moment I wished he could read my mind, I wished my family could read my mind, I almost felt normal. It would make them happy to know that.

_Edward._

It was Carlisle. I felt him gaining behind me. He was faster than Emmett. His presence surprised me. I'd thought he'd cut off with Rosalie much earlier. I tried to shut him out. The joy of not having to think was such a welcomed respite. He should know that; understand it more than anyone. Why did he always have to invade my head with worry? I just needed peace, needed to be away from the endlessly prying, speculating, pitying, thoughts that was in all of their heads. Was he trying to reach for me? I redoubled my efforts and felt the wind rush against my face, felt him drift back. I could smell the deer now and was that an elk? Hardly a mouthwatering scent, yet the instinctual pull was strong.

_EDWARD! STOP!_

Carlisle's thoughts were more forceful, hard to ignore. I was confused by this, felt a fluttering of indecisiveness; but then the deer broke through the trees in front of us and into a clearing and I was no longer listening to any voices in my head. The smell of elk had faded, they were safe from my teeth on this day, but the scent of deer was everywhere and I felt my muscles coil, felt the small adjustments in speed that my predatory body did without any conscious thought from me, felt the venom pool in my mouth, my hands reaching for a large buck, his pungent musty order, burning in my nose as thirst scorched my throat.

And then I was down, crashing end over end, the buck easily escaping my hands that could not grip, my arms that could not reach, my body crumbling under me as my legs gave way. I tumbled, unable to stop myself, my limbs flopping loosely at my side. My velocity carried me across the clearing, leaving a furrow of mangled vegetation, soil and small trees in my wake.

_Carlisle!_

My mouth wouldn't work, I couldn't cry his name. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. I was finally stopped by a large outcropping of boulders. My shoulders crashed into them bringing an avalanche of broken rock and gravel down on my head. I felt hands on me, pulling me from under the debris. Nothing hurt, there was no pain, yet why was Carlisle looking at me in anguish and why couldn't I speak or move. I felt a numbness permeate my body, felt it drift up dulling my senses, an unpleasant but not physically painful sensation, just uncomfortable. There was a pressure on my chest, behind my eyes; some old human memory flickered in my mind, the need to breathe, I was smothering, my lungs were burning for oxygen.

_Edward, calm down._

I arched my back laboring to catch my breath. My fingers clawed at the ground wildly, I was drowning. Why wasn't Carlisle helping me? My eyes shifted wildly, I could see his face but I was losing it, my perfect vision was beginning to fade, blackness closing in on all sides. I struggled against the weight that paralyzed me, the oppressive invisible force that was crushing my chest. I could draw no air and with no air, could not call out for help.

"Edward, stop. You're fine. You don't need to breathe, you're fine, just relax, son."

Carlisle's voice was calm and soothing meant to comfort yet his thoughts darted wildly, making it impossible for me to focus on them. I could feel his hands on my arms trying to subdue my struggles.

I felt like I was dying. Dying? As the neurons in my brain shut down, this word resonated with me. Was I dying? I didn't think so, but now, rather than fighting to breathe, I welcomed the oppressive weight. I was overcome with a sudden urge to burrow underground, hide myself, escape the hands holding me. Another familiar memory drifted through my mind.

"What's wrong with him?" I heard Emmett say, from far far away. I didn't understand Carlisle's reply, it was muffled, sluggish and thick. His thoughts too were foggy, drifting, until they didn't resonate in my brain at all. I didn't want to think about them, or what was wrong with me, I wanted to crawl away from all of them and just think about her, find her in the dark, my Bella. She was the only one that could relieve this aching pressure that was swallowing me whole. Bella wasn't dead, she was just waiting for me, I had to find her, go to her, I needed her so much more than she ever needed me.

* * *

**_Author Notes:_**

**_Next chapter will be from Carlisle's POV. Bella's death will be explained in an upcoming chapter._**


	2. Save

**_DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended._**

* * *

_Carlisle's POV_

The sudden shift in direction did not at first alarm me. Edward was leading the hunt with Emmett at his heels, but losing ground quickly. I had decidedly chosen to stay in the background knowing that my thoughts were not fully under my control; my concerns for Edward, not easily hidden. I knew it frustrated him, my anxiety; knew it created conflict and turmoil in his already guilt ridden mind. Emmett on the other hand, could give Edward what he needed, a boyish reckless run into the night with the thrill of the hunt taking precedence over everything else. As we ran, Edward easily outdistancing us, I felt a nagging uneasy feeling, all too familiar over the past couple of months. I tried to brush it aside, realizing that no thought of mine was entirely my own. It wasn't until we'd turned north that the familiar terrain validated my apprehension.

_No!_

With an aggressive burst of speed, I flew by Emmett who did not acknowledge me, too drawn into the hunt to notice my presence. He could smell the large herd of deer in front of us and perhaps some elk too. These scents of our prey did not distract me, my focus had changed. I needed to stop Edward.

He ran in front of me perhaps a hundred yards. On any other night in any other direction his graceful catlike movement would have filled me with pleasure; given me hope that perhaps the worst was behind us. But as I calculated the location of the herd and our point of intersection with it, I felt a wave dread wash over me. I was flying now, an all out sprint. I had no hope of catching Edward in a foot race, but he was hunting, his body responding to the nuances of the herd of deer. He was the predator stalking its prey, not as a cheetah, but a cunning panther, his movements more precise and always shifting.

_Edward._

I kept my torment hidden, controlled, hoping to break his concentration, distract him from the hunt without revealing the nature of my concerns. He did not adjust or slow his pace. If he had heard me at all, he didn't acknowledge it. His body shifted again and I could feel his muscles tense; we would come upon the deer very soon.

_EDWARD! STOP! _

This time I did not control my emotions other than to try and sprinkle in a certain amount of parental authority. Even in my own head my thoughts sounded alarmed. His step however, did not falter. He was shifting slowing, but not in reaction to my words. I was almost upon him, ready to spring; he, on this night was my prey. I had to stop him.

_Oh no. _

Out of my peripheral vision I could see a massive sheet of granite reaching to the sky. The herd, startled by the change in terrain had shifted. Normally this would have been advantageous to the hunt. They were cutting right into our path. Edward and I had split the herd. Several deer darted behind us and I heard Emmett take one down. But I saw, clear as crystal in my own predatory mind, the large buck that was Edward's objective. He was near the front running petrified along the rocky cliff and for a brief moment I thought he might shoot over the edge. I saw Edward's cat like movement, saw him spring, his hands reaching for what was to be a sure kill, as always, awed by his hunting prowess. And then I saw something else that made me blink in a very human response.

A memory cataloged in my vampire brain for efficient retrieval, suddenly appeared very vivid in my mind. It was a vision of a young man running down a darkened city street. He was being chased by a police officer. I, walking home from a late night shift, my black doctor's bag in hand had watched in stunned silence from the shadows as the officer pulled his revolver from its holster and directed it at the young man's back. With no warning, there was a loud concussion of gunfire. My vampire eyes watched the scene, almost in slow motion, time suspended, every second stretching into several. The end of the revolver glowed with each successive round fired at the fleeing man. As first one, then two, then three bullets found their mark, the man's body began to jerk, than buckle. In that instant, he was no longer being propelled forward, his youthful, strong legs crumpled under him, his body collapsing like a rag doll, tumbling to the ground, rolling across the wet street, his arms and legs flopping loosely at his side all control lost. I could see that his spine was severed, his body was no longer his own.

That was the memory that flashed in my mind as I watched my son go down, watched his hands slide harmlessly off the buck's back, his arms collapsing loosely at his sides, his legs buckle, the trajectory of his spring catapulting him end over end across the clearing and finally bringing him to rest against that outcropping of rocks that I recognized so well. The force of his body, rock on rock, created a cascade of loose gravel that buried him as he lay in what appeared to be an awkward injured position. I was at his side in an instant, pulling him from under the falling rock, reminding myself that he was not physically hurt, shaking loose from the vision of that young man shot down in the street from so long ago.

He began struggling then, struggling against my iron clad grip on his arms. His eyes were wild with panic, fear, something else.

_Edward calm down. _

I had difficulty maintaining my composure. I had never in all my centuries of existence, witnesses the complete collapse of an immortal's body that wasn't being manipulated by one of the Volturi twins. I tried to focus on remaining the consummate professional doctor rather than the hysterical father, but frantic thoughts of a relapse were at the forefront of my mind and try as I might, I could not block them. I was still shocked with what I had just witnessed.

The situation was becoming quite desperate. Not only had I not succeeded in quieting my thoughts but Edward continued to thrash violently under me, oblivious to my efforts to subdue him. He seemed unable to breath, gasping and arching his back, gripping at the ground, his eyes pleading with me to help him. I had to force myself to concentrate, to believe the words I spoke that were so contrary to what I was seeing.

"Edward, stop. You're fine. You don't need to breathe, you're fine, just relax, son."

My spoken voice seemed to have an impact. Gradually his struggling subsided; he no longer seemed to be gasping. I heard Emmett behind me, felt his bewilderment, his fear. He would have no idea why Edward was reacting the way he was. He would not understand the significance of the location. He hadn't been here when Bella…

Suddenly Edward pulled away, rolling to his side, his hands clawing into the ground. I grabbed him around the wrists pulling his back to my chest immediately understanding his intent.

_Oh no you don't._

"What's wrong with him?" Emmett sounded lost, but I could not offer an explanation now.

"I'll explain later. Go find Jasper." Assuming Alice had foreseen Edward's collapse, Jasper would already be on his way.

I could feel Emmett's reluctance to leave me alone with his out of control brother. Keeping my voice calm but uncompromising, I tried again. "I've got him Emmett. He's calming down; he just needs a few minutes to get himself under control."

"But I could hold him, take him back." Emmett was our family's strength; there would be little chance of Edward breaking free of his hold. How ironic that the strongest member of our family now sounded like a lost little boy.

If I felt the situation was truly that dire, I would not have hesitated to pass Edward to him, but I wasn't entirely sure that Edward, even in his weakened mental condition would appreciate being held by his brother and I felt I could manage the situation without Emmett's help.

"Carlisle, give him to me."

"NO. I need Jasper. Once you know he's on his way, I need you to do something else for me." I had Edward pulled firmly against my chest now. My fingers still locked around his wrists folded against him. He was still trying to break free, but less intensely. A low growl rumbled from his chest.

_I know, son, I know. Just hang on, I'll get you home._

"Find that herd or another, bring me back two deer Emmett, two live deer. Do you understand?"

"Wha...at. Why?"

"Just do it boy. I don't have time to explain now," I hissed. I hadn't meant to snap, but Emmett's need for complete explanations in times of crisis was exasperating. "...and Emmett, make sure that they are alive."

With a sign of relief, I heard Emmett's light footsteps as he ran towards the house. Alice didn't see everything that happened to our family and she missed some fairly significant things from time to time, usually because she was concentrating on trivial day to day events, always trying to keep one step ahead of everyone else in the family. But we had left her humming away in front of her computer, no doubt designing a new wardrobe for someone in the house. There should be no reason that she wouldn't have seen this happen, Jasper should be on his way already. I only hoped that she also saw that it would not be in Edward's best interest if she came herself. Alice's presence would only exaggerate the void left by Bella's absence. She had not been much of a comfort to him in the last few months and it aggrieved her to no end.

_I'm taking you home, Edward. Just focus on my thoughts. I know it's painful. It's hard for me too. But it will be better once we get away from here. _

He wasn't really fighting at all anymore. Instead he seemed to want to curl himself into a tight little ball. I cautiously let go of his wrists, and rolled him towards me, against my chest, sliding my arm under his legs while supporting his back. He sagged into me as I lifted him. He hadn't been this bad since the days following Bella's death. Obviously this place was the trigger that sent him spiraling down into that dark abyss again. I could see the remnants of the tattered tent still staked against the rocky cliff. A physical reminder of that horrible day. In retrospect, I should have had it removed, but I doubted Edward had even seen it. It was the location itself that brought it all back. This place would never be just another outcropping of rocks to any of us again.

And this incident reminded me once more, why we needed to get out of Forks as soon as possible. Edward didn't need triggers to remind him of the horror of that day. Not that everything that reminded him of his times with Bella was bad. But he clung to those familiar places that held only good memories of her with such ferocity, that he had difficulty focusing on anything else. He would carry Bella with him no matter where he went and it was a burden that he didn't carry lightly. He didn't need daily reminders to reinforce his memories of her.

I slowly trotted towards the house. He wasn't limp in my arms; his body was still rigidly curled up as much as my hold on him would allow, and I preferred this reaction to his near catatonic state from some months ago; his body unresponsive and slack, nothing stimulating him to respond to me or anyone else in the house.

Jasper's presence immediately became apparent. A sense of calm permeated me without me consciously thinking about it. I felt Edward relax too. Just a little.

"Not too much Jasper, he's better now," I said softly before I saw my blond son emerge from the trees. We weren't far from the house, but I wasn't ready to go back just yet. "Let's wait here for Emmett."

"He said you asked him to bring you deer?" Jasper's voice was calm, but he had a puzzled expression on his face.

I sat slowly on the ground, folding my legs under me still holding Edward against my chest. "He needs to feed, it's been two weeks. Not sure when we'll get him out of the house again."

Jasper nodded. He leaned his lithe frame against a tree, carefully monitoring Edward's and I suspect, my, emotions and adjusted his influence accordingly. I could tell by his drawn, pained expression that he was absorbing all of Edward's angst. Fortunately, we didn't have to wait long. Emmett's arrival was anything but quiet. He held the two struggling petrified animals firmly by their throats being careful not to kill them. I did not enjoy the suffering of the deer and had voiced my disapproval on past occasions when Emmett or Jasper toyed with them before they fed, but in this case it was necessary. I wasn't sure how far gone Edward was. A live kicking animal was more likely to spur his instinctual prey drive then an unresponsive near dead one would.

I adjusted Edward in my arms, sliding his body to the ground and kneeling at his side. He did not struggle and lay quietly, his eyes closed, his body as still as a corpse. I motioned Emmett to lay a deer next to him. The poor animal squealed in terror and struggled frantically which is exactly what I was hoping for.

"Hold it until he responds then get out of the way," I said quickly. Emmett didn't need any further explanation now. He knew exactly what we were trying to do and how his close proximity to Edward and the deer put him in peril should Edward react possessively. His body was tense ready to spring out of the way if necessary.

Edward had not moved and appeared to be totally unaware of the animal in front of him.

_Edward, I need you to breathe, son. Take a breath._

I was squatting now, prepared to take flight, myself. Emmett, to his credit, flipped the animal so that its struggling legs were now flailing against Edward's body. He continued to hold it only by the throat. Jasper took control of the second animal, allowing Emmett more freedom to maneuver. I was vaguely aware of the ridiculousness of the situation. We were all trying to create the most desirable scenario for Edward to feed, but in actuality, if we would have dropped the deer fifty yards away from him, he should have been able to react quickly enough to take down the animal in seconds once he recognized the scent.

"Come on Bro…not often you get your meal delivered." Emmett pleaded. He looked at me expectantly and I didn't have to be a mind reader to know what he was thinking. His fingers tightened around the deer's neck. It would only take slight pressure for him to puncture the jugular

"No Emmett, not yet. He needs to take a breath first." The fact that Edward was not responding to our thoughts in itself was extremely disturbing. He should know the animal was in front of him, yet he remained unresponsive.

"Edward, breathe!" I pleaded. I might as well have been talking to a statue. I could feel the panic in my chest take hold; I couldn't bear to think of losing the progress, however miniscule, we'd been making over the last few months. The thought of Esme's pained expression as she looked at her troubled son lying unresponsive day after day in the bed he was to share with Bella, was not something I wanted to revisit.

We had to make the connection now. I could not let Edward fall into that catatonic state again. I could feel Jasper's influence on me, could feel the panic ease and it spurred me into action. My hand slid around Edward's chest, and I pulled him up against me, holding his sagging head, just under his jaw. I nodded to Emmett, who surmised my intention. His finger flicked across the doomed animal's neck and a spout of rich blood cascaded upward. Immediately he covered the fatal wound with his hand, and bent the animal's neck as an offering. I, in turn, leaned forward with Edward in my arms, guiding his face to the waiting blood.

It was the taste of the tantalizing blood tainted air that finally penetrated his defenses. I felt his jaw moving under my hand, the involuntary gasp as he sucked in the delicious aroma that triggered his instinctual response. In that instant, Emmett released the deer, the blood spurting from the wound, and I pulled away from Edward, feeling his muscles tense and spring all in one motion. Scarcely six inches separated his teeth from the animal's bloodied throat; but I don't ever remember feeling so victorious and joyful over one of my offspring's kills.

Immediately Edward's lips found the sweet spot and he was pulling hungrily at the fading animal's life blood. A warning growl rumbled from his chest as he eyed Emmett and Jasper and they quickly backed away. He did not seem aware of me or perhaps he felt comfortable enough with me at his back, as he did not view me as a rival in contrast to his brothers.

In seconds, the animal was drained and he sprung up anticipating another kill. Jasper released the petrified but uninjured deer he was holding and as I'd visualized earlier, Edward needed no further assistance, catching the fleeing animal in one deft movement and in another instant, had it down and was feeding again. As the animal was drained, the growl that had been emanating from him gradually subsided. He tossed the lifeless carcass away from him and in a startling submissive gesture after the aggressive posturing of moments before; he laid on his back his arms around his chest, his legs drawn up. This act of passivity brought with it a small amount of relief on my part. He was aware enough to know there were no other deer within our general vicinity and he'd fallen out of hunt mode as quickly as he'd embraced it.

"Boys, go back to the house," I said softly, looking at my once again unmoving son.

Jasper started to protest, but I held up my hand. "I think it will be fine now. I'll call if I need you." He would not go far.

I sat down again at Edward's side. His eyes were open now. He appeared to be staring fixedly at the vast black sky filled with an infinite number of bright stars as the rain clouds passed. I wondered if he remembered that first time he had seen a star filled night through vampire eyes. How it had filled him with awe and utter amazement. How he exclaimed in delight that it was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen in his life. He had been referring to his human life; his vampire life had only just begun.

"I remember," he said quietly.

""You thought the stars were falling from the sky, so overwhelmed were you with the vividness, the intensity, how close to the ground they seemed to be. You were even a little afraid of them," I chuckled softly. I felt awed now as I realized he was talking to me.

_Come, let's go back to the house._

"No, I'll stay out here tonight. It's nice. Peaceful. No voices." There was apathy in his voice.

"Edward, surely you know that my night would be anything but peaceful if I came home without you. I can imagine your mother's response when I tell her I left you outside in the woods alone." I shuddered in jest but I was not so far off the mark when imaging Esme's reaction.

"To say she would not be pleased is an understatement and I daresay I fear for my own safety at the thought of it." I kept my voice light, soft. Edward had told me once that my internal thoughts were just whispers and it always startled him when I used my actual voice.

_Come inside son, your mother needs you, needs to see that you are alright._

"I just need to be _alone_ for a while." He sounded acquiescent.

I knew he was waiting for me to leave, but instead I laid down next to him my hands under my head staring into the black sky. I would not leave my troubled son out here alone. Jasper and Emmett would have gotten back by now. I would give them enough time to convey the situation to the girls saving Edward from hearing the worst of it, but it would only be a matter of time before Esme would try and find us.

Next to me, Edward sighed.

_You can't expect your mother not to worry, Edward._

He didn't say anything and I tried to keep my thoughts quiet, concentrating on the different constellations I could pick out between the rolling clouds. When the sky went completely black again and rain drops started to fall I stood and without comment or permission, I reached for Edward picking him up in my arms as I had earlier that night. He was not bunched in a ball now nor completely devoid of awareness. Instead he pressed his face against my shirt acknowledging me and I hugged him to me.

_Son, I'm sorry, so sorry you have to suffer through this. If there was anything I could do to ease your pain, I would. But it will get better…easier, son. It just takes time. Just give it time._

I felt his body stiffen against me.

_I know that might not be what you want to hear, but no matter what you think, we do still grieve like humans, recover like humans. It might take longer_, _it might be more difficult, but that is only because our feelings are so much more intense than human emotions. We feel so much more. With this, we are also stronger and more able to take the pain. No human could survive your pain, but you are strong Edward, you can overcome this. You can survive this. _

My thoughts came quickly, uncensored, a continuous monologue of hope, much of it my own desire for what I wanted for him. He needed to feel my optimism for his future. He had to understand that losing one's mate did not necessarily mean that life would no longer have any joy or purpose.

_So for me and your mother and your family, just concentrate on healing yourself. Please son. It is not a betrayal of Bella to live, Edward. She lives through you, her memories, her scent, her love for you, all of what was Bella is carried in you. You must be strong for her, you must survive for her and in time you will be able to think of her and those thoughts won't be painful reminders of what you no longer have but rather you will rejoice in knowing that you had it at all, had her at all. It is a great gift to have loved and been loved as you were._

I could feel Edward's body soften in resignation. Not the reaction I had been hoping for but at least he was cognizant of my words. It wasn't until we approached the soft lighting that spilled from the house that he spoke and it wasn't to address or acknowledge anything I had told him.

"I can walk the rest of the way," he said quietly and I immediately put him down. It was too late to save face with his brothers and Alice would have seen us coming, but he did not wish to be carried into the house in front of his mother and Rosalie.

The family was gathered in the living room. Edward walked by them and shot up the stairs without a word. I could only hope they had tamed their thoughts and were not bombarding him with mental questions. My eyes met Esme's and I silently implored her not to follow him. But Esme was not inclined to listen where one of her children was concerned and she quickly followed her broken son up the stairs. I felt the stares of the rest of our children and shaking my head to ward off their unasked questions; I slowly sunk into my leather chair.

My eyes sought out Emmett, I knew besides Edward, he had suffered most this night; first at witnessing his brother's breakdown then at my unwillingness to offer an explanation and reassurance, something that he needed and craved from me. His pained, confused expression had not changed from earlier and I smiled, hoping some life sparkled in my eyes, hoping he could see that through my grief, I appreciated his help and understanding on this dreadful night. He smiled back and I knew he would be alright, if only Edward could be so easily fixed.

I stared into the roaring fire that someone had so thoughtfully made. I could not concentrate on Edward's long term future, and mental exhaustion would only allow me to ponder what tomorrow would bring. How would I get my son, my despondent, guilt ridden, grief stricken son, through each day from now until the end of time. That was the looming question and at that moment, I had no answer.

* * *

_**AUTHOR NOTES:**_

_**Bella's death will be described in next chapter.**_


	3. Visitor

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**Contains excerpts from SM's Eclipse.**_

* * *

_I caught her unprotected back and with one final simple step the dance was over. My mouth brushed once against her neck like a caress. The squealing clamor coming from Seth's efforts covered every other noise so there was no discernible sound to make the image one of violence. I could have been kissing her. _

_And then the fiery tangle of hair was no longer connected to the rest of her body. The shivering orange wave fell to the ground and bounced once before rolling toward the trees._

_I had no time to waste. Swiftly and coolly businesslike, I dismembered the headless corpse. I did not look at Bella as I piled the quivering, twitching limbs and then covered them with dry pine needles. I could not bear to see her horrified face as she saw the violent nature of our kind. I helped Seth gather up pieces of Riley and added them to the pile then flipped open my lighter and quickly lit the dry tinder. _

_It was only after making sure that we had gathered ever piece of the two vampires and they were smoldering in the fire, that I took a deep breath and turned to face Bella. _

_And at that moment, my world changed, though I wouldn't recognize it then, still too puzzled by what I was seeing, or rather, not seeing. Bella, who I had left pressed against the cliff wall, frozen in terror as she watched the battle unfold before her, was no longer there. _

_Bella was gone._

* * *

"Edward, sweetheart, why don't you come downstairs for awhile. Everyone misses you." My mother was sitting next to my prone body on the bed her fingers running through my hair, a ritual that comforted both of us in times of stress.

I shook my head slightly wanting to acknowledge her question. Through her thoughts, I could see that her biggest fear was my relapse into the unresponsive corpse that occupied this room just a couple of months ago.

It had been two days since my spectacularly, theatrical collapse; two days since Carlisle had to carry me in his arms to the house; two days since he practically had to _feed_ me by providing deer captured by my brother. The chagrin I felt over that incident was more than enough to keep me locked away in my room for a human lifetime.

Unfortunately, it didn't keep _them_ out. We didn't have locks on our doors, obviously a lock wouldn't keep a vampire out but everyone in the family recognized that a closed door meant a knock was required to enter. It wasn't about privacy. We could hear even the softest spoken word through the walls and I could hear everyone's thoughts, but it did offer a small sense of having control over one's private space. However, it seemed _that _courtesy was only extended to the sane members of the family. My door was always closed and I ignored the knocks, but still the precession of visitors never stopped.

It was Esme's turn again. She was humming softly her fingers apparently trying to touch every strand of hair on my head, lest one felt neglected. She was in no hurry to leave and despite my attempts to ignore her, I could not help but sigh contentedly as her fingers worked their magic and some of my anxiety eased. It was easy to think of Bella at times like these. She would stroke my head in much the same way and if I just let my mind drift a little, stopped my breathing and really concentrated, Bella would appear, her fingers running through my hair, the scent of lavender and freesia filling my nostrils, her warm body pressed against my stone cold one.

"Did Carlisle tell you that he gave his notice at the hospital," Esme said softly. She found that I was much more responsive when she voiced her comments and this bit of insight kept me from sinking too deeply into my Bella fantasy.

"Our new house should be ready to move in by then. I've hired two more contractors to help out. It will be close, but I think I can safely say that we won't be sleeping under the stars. The house should be done."

She waited for me to comment and when I didn't, she laid next to me her face only inches from mine and lightly stroked my cheek. "I have a surprise for you. Have you figured out what it is yet?"

Again, I felt a need to acknowledge her so I shook my head. I had not been paying much attention to any of my family's thoughts so secrets and surprises could very well have gone unnoticed by me. I had, however, been privy to the plans of our move; we were relocating to a small town on the North Shore of Lake Superior. Carlisle had been offered a position at St Mary's Medical Center in Duluth and Esme was going to head up the renovation of the Glensheen Mansion.

Duluth also had a reputable university, though as far as I knew, none of my siblings had enrolled in any courses. When Carlisle had broached me on the subject of attending class, I had been noncommittal but said I would check into it. In order to further my carefully crafted farce of caring about something other than what was behind the four walls of my bedroom, or more specifically, the memories within my skull; I had sent for literature from the college and left the opened packets of mail scattered throughout the house. In a moment of uncharacteristic curiosity, I'd inquired as to why we weren't going back to Ithaca, New York, a place that my family had only lived for six months the previous year and was told it had too many bad memories. I didn't mention it again.

Esme seemed pleased that her secret was still safe. "I haven't told anyone else about it and I try not to think about it too much myself. I think I'm getting better at blocking you too." She chuckled, touching her nose to mine. "But sweetheart, this surprise is going to take me a little longer to complete. I really wish you would consider what Carlisle said."

"No!" The force of my response startled both of us. So much for controlling my anxiety. I rolled away from her and faced the window. Still, her fingers slid through my hair.

"Edward, please tell me why you are so against this? You've always enjoyed spending time with Eleazar and Carmen and it's been a long time since you've visited with them. At least you could try it, just for a month or two. Carlisle has talked to them; they would love to have you." Esme's voice had taken on a slightly pleading note. It tore at my heart that I couldn't do what she asked of me. She seldom asked for anything.

"I can't," I whispered. How could I tell her that the very idea of facing that entire coven and their thoughts about Bella would just be too much for me to endure. They would be too polite to ask outright, it wasn't their verbal queries that would be the problem; it was their inability to restrain their inquisitive minds in the company of a mind reader. And even if they did manage to remember my gift, they weren't as skilled as my family when it came to suppressing their unspoken questions.

Then there was the idea of leaving Bella herself. She was here all around me everywhere I looked I could see Bella. Denali held no such memories of her. Nothing in Denali helped me hold onto my reminiscences of her. I had to stay here in Forks for as long as I could.

But Esme deserved an answer. I owed her that. Maybe she could understand if I phrased it the right way. "I can't deal with Tanya, you know how she is and Irina and Kate, they never stop thinking about...about..."

"Oh sweetheart," Esme mumbled against my neck. She sounded amused. "Is that what you are worried about?" _My sweet innocent boy_.

Perfect. Now she thought of me as an unenlightened infant, but even that was better than the truth. I felt guilty lying to Esme, but I just couldn't go to Denali and leave Bella behind.

"Let me talk to Carlisle. Perhaps we can get the sisters to come and help us with the move. It would only be for a couple of months. Maybe not even that long. I think you need a change son, the sooner the better and Denali is the logical choice."

She seemed placated with the direction of her thoughts and I did not argue with her again. I didn't have the strength. But one thing was certain; I was not going to Denali.

* * *

Later, I was alone except for my Bella vision. She was sitting on my black leather couch, her legs folded up underneath her, smiling as she flipped through a pile of my CDs. "_I really don't understand why you sort them by year. Wouldn't it make more sense to sort them by artist? Aerosmith is in the seventies eighties, nineties and the twenty-first century. And what about the greatest hits CDs; you have "The Big Ones" in the nineties but it covers the two previous decades as well. It would be much easier to find them if they were all alphabetized by artist."_

"Bella," I purred. She was so cute. "Remember, vampire brain, here." I pointed at my head. Chronological dates are more logical. If I think of a year in my life I can instantly recall the music that was released and find exactly what I am looking for."

"_Okay Mr. Spock_." She drew an eyebrow up and looked at me expectantly. She loved to test my familiarity with pop culture.

"Spock was a man before his time. There is nothing wrong with being logical."

"Logical? What are you talking about, Edward." That wasn't Bella's voice. Had I been talking out loud?

_I really don't understand you, Edward. Haven't you tortured yourself enough? It was bound to end badly, I tried to warn you. Humans are just too fragile. You need to snap out of this. You're killing Esme. _

I groaned and tried to bury myself into the pillows on my bed.

"Stop…please… stop… just go. I can't listen to this right now." My hands curled around my head, my fingers gripping my hair. If Bella was my angel than Rosalie was my demon, my own personal demon sent from hell to torment me for the rest of my days. She didn't often visit me in my room, usually waiting to pounce when I ventured downstairs. The rest of the family must be out leaving me defenseless against her evil ministering.

"Edward, I'm not trying to be cruel, but you have to hear this. I think I can speak for everyone when I say we are tired of this self deprecating, self loathing, over dramatic, self centered behavior and it's gone on long enough. Don't you understand that you've taken the entire family on this miserable journey with you and it's got to stop. It's completely selfish and completely you and it's about time you realize that you are not the only one that is suffering."

That was too much. I jumped up from the bed and was immediately in her face. My hands were clenched at my side, a low hiss emanated from my lips.

"Suffering," I roared. "How can you say that? You didn't even like Bella. When you lose Emmett you can talk to me about _suffering_. Of course you would make it about you. This has nothing to do with you. I'm not asking anything from you, anything from anyone. Just leave me alone. Why is that so hard?" I wanted to grab her, throw her through a wall, tear her wicked head off and toss it out the window. But as I stared into her eyes I could only see compassion and a weary sadness and this confused me.

She took a step towards me and I backed away. That look on her face was not of a demon now. It was strangely sympathetic. Another step forward and I took one back. I was ready to run and she knew it. Her hands were already on the sides of my face holding me, forcing me to look into her eyes.

"Edward…Edward, listen to what you just said. You are so close. You know the truth, just say it."

"No… No… No." My hands were wrapped around her wrists trying to loosen her grip. "I can't listen to this. You'll ruin everything."

"She's dead, Edward. Bella is dead and denying it is not going to change anything." She held me firmly, her gaze so powerful, I could not tear my eyes away. "Say it, Edward. Say it. Just say it."

"I can't, please, I can't"

"Yes you can," her voice had become notable softer. "Do you think we don't hear you up here talking to her, Edward? We know what you're doing. You can't hold onto her like this. You have to face reality. It's been months. If no one else is willing to make you face it then I will. This has to stop. Bella is dead. Now say it. I know you can do it."

"NO," I threw her back against the wall sending half my CD collection, the collection arranged chronologically by year, crashing to the floor.

"Say it Edward," her voice was calm, untroubled, unfazed by my aggression. She floated toward me again.

"Shut up about Bella, I'm warning you." I covered my face with my hands breaking her mesmerizing hold on me. The back of my knees hit the bed and I sat down. Alice's frantic thoughts fill my head as she came within my range.

_I'm coming Edward. Don't run!_

"Edward, say it," the demon said again. She was back to being a demon.

* * *

_Bella was gone._

_One minute she was standing against the sheer cliff wall clinging to the sides of it watching Seth and I battle Victoria and Riley, but now she was gone._

_I could hear Alice first, her thoughts screaming at me, then Carlisle's and finally Esme's, frantic and panicked, but I could not pick out particulars. I did not understand their alarm. _

_I would follow Bella's scent. She could not have gone far. Had she run? Bella had never shown an ounce of self-preservation. It would be just like her to decide to take it upon herself to intervene. Was she was trying to get back to the clearing? Jasper had told her that her presence would drive the newborns into a frenzy. Did she really think she could make it across several miles of forest all on her own? No, of course not. It couldn't be that. _

_Jacob. That was it. Jacob was linked to Seth's thoughts. He would have seen Victoria coming for us; he would have come back for Bella. He loved Bella. That made me feel better and it made perfect sense. Bella was with Jacob, he was hiding her._

_But then why were Carlisle, Esme and Alice here and what were they doing. I was standing on the cliff ledge where I had left Bella. I was going to track her and Jake. But I couldn't smell the dog; his scent wasn't mixed in with hers. I could see Carlisle below me, not far, just forty or fifty feet down the embankment. What was he doing?_

_Bella? He was bending over Bella. What was wrong with her? Why was she lying on the ground and why were Esme and Alice holding her hands. _

_I couldn't move. I could only watch, waiting for Carlisle to help her up, help her stand. Bella needed a lot of help with that. The thought of her clumsiness brought a smile to my face. But rather than pull her to her feet, Carlisle did something completely unexpected. He bent over her, tilted her head in a familiar way sending a shudder of trepidation through me. . He lowered himself like he was going to kiss her lovingly; he was going to kiss my Bella. Kiss her on the neck, but no, not kiss, bite her, bite her on the neck. Why was Carlisle biting her?_

_I felt myself drift. My physical body wasn't moving my feet were still firmly planted on the rocky ledge, but I could feel myself flying towards them, the small little group, floating above them. I was detached from feeling anything other than intense curiosity. Now Carlisle was taking Bella's small hand from Alice, turning it and kissing her wrist, lingering over it, licking the wound he had created with that kiss, closed. Placing her hand back in Alice's grasp, he reached for the other and repeated the motion. The act looked almost intimate and I wanted to look away, but I was hypnotized, everything around me was hazy, the only true clarity was right before me, Carlisle and Bella. Esme and Alice had faded into the background._

_I was transfixed; there was nothing in my line of sight other than Carlisle and his modus operandi as he hovered over Bella. He was changing her. Carlisle was changing Bella. But why? It was to be my gift to Bella. Why was Carlisle taking away the one thing that Bella asked of me? _

_She was hurt. That was it. Bella was hurt. Bella fell. It was alright. Carlisle was changing her because it was the only thing he could do. Bella was hurt. It would be alright. In a few days, Bella would come back to me. It was not the ideal situation, but it would be fine._

_A little more reality seeped into my obscured thoughts, as I watched Carlisle start CPR on her. Two breaths, thirty pumps, two breaths thirty pumps, two breaths, thirty pumps, two breaths, thirty pumps. He would stop, watch, listen, and then start again. Two breaths, thirty pumps. I could hear the whooshing of her blood and Carlisle's venom as it flowed through her veins with each of Carlisle's compressions. When he pulled back, there was nothing. For the first time in her presence, I could not hear Bella's heart beat. The sound of the silence was deafening._

_Alice was crying. Her face was contorted in agony, her ragged breath sucking for oxygen she did not need. I stared inquiringly at Esme's blank face. She wasn't looking at me, or Carlisle or Bella. She was just gazing off towards the setting sun. For the first time in nine decades, I wondered what she was thinking. Her mind was blank to me. Eventually my eyes found their way back to Carlisle. The whooshing had stopped. He wasn't doing CPR anymore. He was staring at me, a look in his eyes like one I had never seen before, shock, sadness, pity, but mostly shock. I knew he was talking to me. His lips weren't moving but I could see the thoughts moving behind his eyes, I just couldn't decipher them._

* * *

"Rosalie, what are you doing?" It was Alice's voice. She sounded annoyed. But why was she talking to Rosalie? Rosalie didn't care about Bella.

"It's time he faced the truth. We can't go on like this." Rosalie didn't sound like her usual defensive self when someone challenged her. She sounded completely confident.

I didn't look at Alice. I didn't want her to know where my mind had been.

"And this is the way, by bullying him into it?"

"I'm not bullying him into anything. He knows, he almost said it. That is the first step. How long do we let him live in this little fantasy world he's created. We've been catering to it and it needs to stop."

"Carlisle thinks it's best for now."

I felt the mattress move and realized that Alice was sitting next to me. "I'm not deaf; I can hear what you're saying," I muttered indignant that not only would they come in my room uninvited, but then they would insist on talking as if I wasn't even there.

"Well Edward, most of the time we can have conversations right in front of you and you don't hear a word. So excuse us if we were just assuming that you had checked out again." Rosalie sounded exasperated. She wasn't far off. I hadn't been listening.

"I really think we need to discuss this with Carlisle first," Alice said sedately. She apparently didn't like what she saw in my future.

"Discuss what? That it's time for Edward to not only face the truth, but voice it, admit it, embrace it. That's all I'm asking him to do."

"You can't make me," my childlike comeback was not lost on her and it preyed upon her weakness.

"No Edward, I can't make you, but don't you see, it's the only way you will get well."

She was standing in front of me and her arms reached out pulling me to her before I could see her intentions. She quickly disengaged my fingers from my hair and pulled my arms around her waist.

I knew I was being enticed by the demon, but I didn't care. I had never considered myself exceedingly affectionate, but as I had become more and more lucid over the last couple of months, I suddenly craved physical contact. Without thinking, I buried my face in her stomach.

"Edward….Edward, what are we going to do with you," she cooed. She'd wrapped her arms around my head holding me to her.

Rosalie was my biggest nemesis in the house, my constant tormentor, the bane of my existence, yet when she unleashed her maternal nurturing on me, I wanted to please her in a way that a son wants to please his mother.

"Bella is dead," I said in a monotone voice.

"Yes, Edward, she is, but you are alive, now what can we do to help you start living again."

My body shuddered as I wept against her. I had no answer; it was beyond me.

* * *

_The roaring sound came upon me gradually, like a tsunami rolling across a large body of water. I felt numb, but I found myself moving towards my family, towards Bella. Carlisle had stood and slowly walked towards me his arms held out, in defeat; an attempt to embrace me; I wasn't sure, maybe both. His lips were moving, he must have realized that I was not responding to his thoughts so he had switched to verbal communication. I could see that he was asking me a question, but the roaring in my ears was too loud and I couldn't hear him. I saw, rather than felt his arms close around me, felt his firm embrace, but then he was gone. Only one word stood out, floating like a puff of smoke where he'd been standing. _

_Volturi._

_Bella lay unmoving between my mother and Alice. I stared expressionless at her still figure, listening carefully for her heartbeat; anticipating the tha-thump, tha-thump to resume at any moment. Hadn't Esme jumped from a cliff and survived, Carlisle's venom flowing through her veins, healing her? Surely Bella's injuries could be no worse. She looked like a sleeping child, not a mark on her, her skin pale and unblemished. She was perfect._

_I saw Esme's hand reaching for me and I moved toward it, unsure what I should do. She pulled me down against her, her face buried in my shoulder. Slowly, gently I lifted Bella up against my chest, her head sagged backward, but with an adjustment of my grip, I was able to cuddle her in a less distressing position against my shoulder. _

_She was only sleeping. I loved watching her sleep. I found it fascinating. Soon she would start mumbling; it was my favorite part of the night. Bella's unguarded musings were quite entertaining. Any time now she would talk, I pulled her tightly to me, my face buried in her hair, kissing her again and again on the top of her head. She was so quiet, not moving, not talking, not even breathing and still I held her. The roaring in my ears got louder. Alice was holding her hand, again, rocking as she clenched it to her chest, ragged cries escaping her lips. And Esme was still there, rubbing my back, her lips moving against my neck, but it was too loud, her voice didn't register. At some point, I realized that the roaring was coming from me and it wasn't roaring at all, it was screaming. I didn't remember anything after that._

* * *

_When I suggested to Esme that she should bring a sofa to my room from downstairs, she laughed. I wasn't joking. Since my latest breakdown with Rosalie, the visitors in my room increases exponentially, and seating was becoming a serious problem. Apparently the ideal spot to read, watch movies, or just hang out happened to be in my bedroom and no matter how much I protested or more often, ignored my visitors, they just kept coming._

It was Carlisle's turn, again. He was sitting in my only chair, not looking at me, not giving me the opportunity to glare at him. I wasn't interested in exchanging hard looks anyway. I lay on the bed, facing him, but deliberately looking past him. There was a spot on the wall behind him that was quite interesting. I didn't often view the room from this vantage point so I had no idea if the blemish was a recent development or if it had always been there. I wondered if Bella had seen it. What did she imagine she saw in that gray mark that I suddenly found so mesmerizing?

"Esme says you might be willing to go to Denali if Tanya and her sisters aren't there. Do you want me to talk to Eleazar about it? He could speak to Tanya."

"She is mistaken. I never said that." I decided the spot looked feminine. How one determines if a gray smudge no larger than a human hand was male or female, I wasn't sure, but it definitely looked maternal.

"Edward, I don't understand why you won't consider it. Staying here in Forks, isn't in your best interest, I'm afraid. It would only be for a month or two and I understand that Esme has a surprise for you, she's been quite secretive, but is adamant that she can't get it completed before the month is out. It would make her so happy if you would let her surprise you."

Carlisle played dirty. Esme's happiness was the only thing that could get me to do something I didn't want to do.

"I'll stay here." The spot definitely suggested a face and the features were beginning to come into focus. The silhouette of the emerging torso was motherly, shapely. It definitely was not Bella.

"You are not staying in Forks by yourself and you are also missing the point. You need a change of scenery. I understand your issues with the sisters, but honestly Edward, I'm surprised you wouldn't look forward to spending some time with Eleazar, I know…"

"I am not going to Denali!"

It seemed the spot was morphing in front of me. She was turned to the side, her face staring down at something in her arms. It reminded me of a pose commonly assumed by the Virgin Mary in sculptures and effigies as she held the Son of God against her breast. The thought made me smile. I wondered what Carlisle would say if I told him that the Virgin Mary was taking shape over his shoulder.

"I think I'm going to study Catholicism after we move," I blurted out.

The muscles on the side of Carlisle's face twitched. "If that's something you're interested in, I would support you of course. There's a Catholic Archdiocese in Duluth. I could check into it."

I sighed. Was there nothing that would fluster Carlisle? "I'm particularly interested in the Virgin Mary and why the visions of her always appear in the most unlikely places, like water spots on the wall, for example."

Carlisle looked at me, saw the direction of my stare and glanced at the wall. Whether he saw the spot or not, I couldn't tell, but even if he did, I doubted he saw the Virgin Mary manifested in its shape.

"I've heard that a person can become quite obsessed with visions of her, I've never understood the fascination myself." He was looking at me and I met his gaze and smiled in what I hoped was not a maniacal way. My family already thought I was insane; I didn't need to encourage them with my incoherent ramblings.

Satisfied that I was not currently having a mental breakdown, he started on another topic. _I think you'll like Silver Bay. It's right on the shores of Lake Superior. The house sits on a cliff overlooking the water, very gothic, though by the time Esme gets done with renovations, I doubt gothic will be an accurate description. _He chuckled_._

The spot which was more of a blob, a female blob, had distinctive features now. It was not the Virgin Mary. No, these features seemed a combination of Esme and Rosalie, in a Buddha earth mother sort of way. I wondered what type of Freudian revelation that was. Regardless, it was disturbing and I rolled on my back. Thankfully, the white ceiling was free of any dark spots, blemishes or water marks.

"The area in and around Duluth has become quite a tourist attraction since the twenties when we last hunted there. Quiet in the winter, but summers could become problematic."

_So many smells…large coven…dangerous to approach, alone._

"Still it seems to have plenty to offer, particularly as it relates to hunting. Deer, elk, even some moose. Black bears are abundant, no mountain lion, but plenty of wolves.

"Wolves?" Bella wouldn't like it if I fed on wolves.

The tone of my voice must have alerted Carlisle. He had stiffened in his chair. _Wolves have always been one of your favorites. Has being around the Quileutes changed that? You know that they aren't truly wolves, Edward._

"I…..wolves…I don't have a problem with hunting wolves, I don't even like those mutts."

Carlisle was no longer a casual observer. I could feel his gaze burning a hole in the side of my head. "Then what, Edward? Is this about Bella?"

"Bella? Why would you say that?" Dangerous territory.

"How are you feeling about her, Edward? Alice told me Rosalie was quite persistent with you yesterday. I don't approve of her tactics, forcing you to talk before you are ready. I doubt it will do anything to assist in your recovery. I'm sorry that I wasn't here to stop her."

"My recovery? I snorted. "What does that mean? Recovery from her death? If you are waiting for that, it will never happen, I will never recovery." How dare he. My eyes locked with his, I only saw compassion in his gaze and this infuriated me. How could he be so presumptuous to assume I would recovery? Like this was a medical condition that one only needed to heal from. How could he expect me to _recover_ from Bella's death?

It was my fault. If I had left her alone, not found her interesting, ran away and stayed away from her the moment I knew that she was not just another human girl, Bella would be alive today. Instead, I set her up to die not once, not twice, but three separate times. And what was that human saying_, third time is a charm_. Well it certainly was for Bella.

"I think you misinterpret what I mean," Carlisle was speaking soothingly. His eyes held nothing but concern for me. I hated him for being so understanding. I had to look away, the white ceiling held nothing that I could focus on, so I closed my eyes.

"You've shut yourself off so completely from us, Edward. Yes it's gotten better, but I think part of that are just your conscious attempts to hoodwink us into believing you've started to make your journey back from that darkness that you've clung too. It's considerate of you to try and alleviate our worries, but it doesn't help you, son. And do not misunderstand me. I will not deny you one moment of your grief. But Edward, you are suffering from a very human condition called depression. With depression comes a variety of symptoms one of which could be delusions. It's okay to remember Bella, but Edward she is not here with you and yet you interact with her like she is. I think that is what Rosalie was trying to force you to realize."

"Bella is dead; she's dead, dead, dead, dead!" Does that make you feel better? Have I recovered because I said it?" I tried to sound steady, sure, but my voice had risen an octave. I clenched my eyes shut as tightly as I could. It wasn't enough that I hated him for being understanding. I hated him for being persistent, for being right, for being unrelentingly cruel in making me see that he was right.

"Edward, are you going to bring Bella to Duluth?"

"What!" I gasped, my eyes flew open, I felt a pulling in my stomach, the need to curl myself up in a ball. "What do you mean, _bring her to Duluth_?"

"Easy son, I'm sorry, we don't need to talk about this now." Carlisle's hand was gripping my shoulder; he was leaning over me, a worried expression on his face. He should be worried. I was glad he was worried. He was pushing me too far.

_Six, maybe seven, hard to tell for sure…and so many gifted ones._

"Edward, we've been avoiding this conversation for too long. It's hard to let her go, but it's not healthy for you, son. I need you to think about starting over in Duluth. Do you understand what I mean, Edward? Do you think you can let her go?"

_Very interesting…no patrols…they must not be hostile._

"Carlisle?" I didn't recognize my voice. Too many emotions were rolling over me; I felt I was losing control. Why couldn't I have a simple conversation about Bella without turning into a quivering mess?

"Edward, I don't want you to worry about it. If you're not ready to let go, it's alright. This all takes time." Carlisle was using his professional bedside manner now, back tracking. He could sense my panic.

_Mind Reader!_

I was up on my feet in an instant, Carlisle staggered away from me, shocked by my posture. I was in a defensive crouch staring out the window.

_Edward what is it? _

"Someone's coming. A vampire. I don't recognize him."

"Are you sure?" He was crouching now too, looking out into the darkening woods, it was almost twilight. _Is he imagining this? Who would it be? I should never have brought up Bella and Duluth._

"I'm not imagining it," I hissed though I couldn't blame him for not trusting my judgment. My behavior was anything but rational. I could see through the intruder's eyes. He was west of the house, too far out to pick up his scent. He was hesitant, but his curiosity was getting the best of him. He was moving closer.

"Carlisle!" It was Alice from somewhere in the house. I saw her vision. He was standing in front yard we were on the porch, defensive but not aggressive. Carlisle, always welcomed visitors. Wait, where was I? In Alice's vision, I was missing.

"Alice sees him," I whispered. Carlisle could trust Alice's visions. She wasn't delusional.

"I'm coming Alice. Edward hears him too. Let's greet him on the porch."

_Edward stay here_. _We can handle this_. _We'll talk later._

He touched me reassuringly as he left.

I realized after he'd gone that I forgot to tell him that the approaching vampire had a gift like Eleazar. I thought about going downstairs, but then, did it really matter? Instead, I curled up on the bed stared at my Esme-Rosalie spot on the wall and wondered just how pathetically broke I was that I couldn't even be trusted to help defend my family. I had always been the first line of defense against any unfamiliar vampires, reading their thoughts, gauging their intentions; but now I was too far gone to even do that. I would not turn to Bella until the visiting vampire had left. Even if Carlisle had no confidence in me, it was still my responsibility to protect my family.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**Bella's death can only be explained this way. She was a clumsy girl and propped up on the cliff wall she fell as she watched the battle between Edward and Victoria. Her injuries, most likely head injuries, caused her heart to stop. Alice saw it but too late, since it wasn't a conscious thought on Bella's part to fall off the cliff. Carlisle's attempts to revive her came too late. She was already dead by the time he bit her and one thing vampire's cannot do is revive the dead.**_


	4. Denali

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

* * *

He introduced himself as Nicholas. Judging from the dirty brown hair pulled back from his face, secured in a pony tail and the disparaging state of his clothes, the lack of shoes and his overall disheveled appearance, I surmised that he was a nomad with no permanent residence and no access to human conveniences like a shower or a fresh change of clothes. His demeanor was curious, but cautious as his riveting red eyes, surveyed my family assembling on the porch in our usual "V" formation reserved for greeting new "friends". It wasn't often that a lone vampire could approach six of his own kind as a stranger and not feel threatened, but this newcomer appeared quite genial.

Carlisle was aloof but gracious in his introductions, notably leaving me out of them. He stood in front, Esme tucked just off his right shoulder with Emmett flanking her and Rosalie next to him. Jasper, assumed my usually spot to his left with Alice at his side. Through the years, besides the incident with James and the newborn battle, we'd faced little in the way of threats against us from others. The size of our coven dissuaded any aggressive actions by nomads and organized covens alike. Still, until the intentions of a stranger were determined, Carlisle always preferred to demonstrate a united front as a way to avoid further confrontation. His slightly relaxed posture suggested that Alice had already told him the visit would be uneventful.

I remained tucked away in my bedroom, watching the formal introductions through the eyes of my family. Remembering my promise to myself to be diligent, I tried not to think of Bella and concentrated on the exchange between Carlisle and the stranger who was inquiring about the odd color of our eyes. Through his thoughts, I was able to discern that Nicholas knew I was in the house, but he did not ask about me, instead directing a random thought to me from time to time.

"We like to think of ourselves as vegetarians only feeding off the blood of animals. It affects our eye color and allows us to interact with humans without drawing too much attention to ourselves." Carlisle was explaining.

"Never? You never feed off of humans?" Nicholas said incredulously. His voice was a rich deep baritone, each syllable pronounced with exaggeration. I identified a slight eastern European accent that I could not place. "I've heard of your kind, but I would not have believed that it was possible and so many of you."

_Why are you hidden away, mind reader?_

"It is not without difficulty and accidents happen, but with time comes control and mistakes are rare." I could hear the enthusiasm in Carlisle's voice and thoughts. He always enjoyed sharing the philosophy of our diet with others; always looking for new inductees into our unique lifestyle. "There is another coven north of here in Alaska that abides by the same restrictions. We are an anomaly, but I anticipate as more become aware that an alternative exists, our numbers will grow."

"It is a fascinating concept, but one I'm afraid that doesn't hold much appeal for me. I would imagine it's difficult to get new recruits from those of us that have tasted human blood." He laughed pleasantly. "Tell me how does animal blood taste?"

_Disgusting: _Jasper

_Tolerable: _Alice

_Depends on how hungry you are_: Emmett

_Compared to what: _Rosalie

_It's not about the taste, killing humans is wrong: _Esme

"It would be hard for me to describe. Obviously if you are comparing it to human blood, there is a significant difference in taste, but it does satisfy the thirst and you can survive off of it." Carlisle never exaggerated. "Perhaps you would like to stay and hunt with us." _He appears quite refined and civilized. It would be interesting to hear his story._

Nicholas smiled, looking over my family before returning his gaze to Carlisle. "That's very kind of you, but I'm afraid that's not possible. I've been traveling for the past year across North American and unfortunately I'm expected back before the end of this month. I was moving down the coast and picked up the scent of vampires in Seattle. I was curious, so I tracked the scent here. To say this has been a delightful surprise is an understatement. Not only have I found one of the largest covens North of Dallas, but also the animal feeders that I thought were a product of rumors and myth." _Come show yourself, it's not often that one of your talent is seen anywhere outside of Volturi._

Carlisle chose to ignore the rather derogatory reference to animal feeders. "You have a coven then?"

"Yes, I suppose you could say that. Not in the traditional sense; our ties are not overly strong. We have banded together more out of necessity. However they have been staying in one place waiting for me to get the wanderlust out of my system, but my time has run out." I could see him smile agreeably at Carlisle, but there was a lie under that smile. If I had been at his side, I would have squeezed Carlisle's arm in a fashion that would have conveyed the deceit. Now I could only listen and watch through the eyes of others.

I needn't have concerned myself. Carlisle's thoughts were suddenly wary. _He's not being completely honest._

"Do you mind if I ask where? I have many friends in this region. Perhaps I know some of your coven mates?" Carlisle sounded only slightly less affable.

"Oh I'm sure that's unlikely. None have firsthand knowledge of your kind. They are keeping a residence south, outside of Mexico City." _Please friend, you intrigue me, your talented sister doesn't hide._

I could hear Jasper's intake of breath from my room. Through his eyes I could see Nicholas looking at him curiously.

"You are familiar with the southern covens than?"

"Yes you might say that," Jasper said sarcastically. His thoughts were less conciliatory. _Familiar with them indeed_. _He can't be trusted._

Nicholas laughed softly. "Please friend. Don't judge us. Not all southern covens exist to fight wars.

_What kind of fool does he take me for? Those that don't fight, die. _

As if reading Jasper's thoughts, Carlisle's voiced the question aloud. "Is there really much choice? Co-existing with other covens would be difficult if you were unable to defend yourself."

"The hunting is really quite excellent and there is more than enough for all covens it they would use discretion. The authorities in that region are not overly attentive to the deaths of its citizens, you see."

Jasper rolled his eyes, but Carlisle was nodding, encouraging Nicholas to continue.

"My friends are nomads so orchestrated attacks by newborns are difficult. Yes we've had to fight, but we are looked upon as a nuisance by the dominate covens rather than a threat. They are more concerned with losing their territorial claims to other established covens." Nicholas' friendly demeanor had not changed, but he was lying again. I could get bits and pieces of stray thoughts that were quickly blocked or redirected.

I had an overwhelming urge to go join my family, not because I felt like he was a physical threat to them, but I could contribute, convey nonverbally my thoughts to Carlisle. He would be able to read me; we'd been together for too many years, not to have developed an efficient method of communication that could not be detected by others. But my very presence would alert this stranger and he knew of my gift so he would be watchful and even more guarded with his thoughts. Not to mention Carlisle had told me to stay put and hadn't expressed any desire for my presence at his side.

"I hope that you're able to find your friends alive and well when you return. That lifestyle sounds dangerous," Carlisle cautioned. _Jasper is right to be suspicious; he's not telling us everything._

F_riend, are you listening? Why do they keep you locked away?_

"I can only hope as much myself. They are a resourceful bunch, but I've not spoken to them for some months. It makes me quite anxious to return to them." There was a shift in his gaze and from Carlisle's perspective I could see him glance up at my room. "Why do you keep one hidden away?"

I was immediately up from the bed and hovering near the window. From this angle I could not see my family, only the visitor. He was not looking up now; he'd raised the question and was watching Carlisle's reaction, hoping to get some insight on my absence.

"My son has been going through some difficulties lately. We number six without him. I'm sorry but your one is not a threat to us so we did not feel his presence was necessary," Carlisle said politely.

"No I imagine it wouldn't be." Nicholas smirked. He glanced up at the window again. Our eyes locked.

_A change of scenery might cure your ills, friend. I'm always looking for a traveling companion._

"What difficulties could a peaceful coven have to deal with?" He looked at Carlisle expectantly.

_I'm sorry Edward. Please try not to listen. _

"Edward, lost his mate some months ago. Please don't take offense to his absence." Carlisle clearly did not want to discuss me with this stranger.

"Ahhhh, yes well that is understandable. I've never been mated myself, but I have seen the debilitating effects on the survivor. Though recovery is also possible; I've seen that too. One should never lose hope."

"No of course not." Carlisle's fingers slid through his hair a gesture he resorted to in times of stress.

_All the more reason you should come with me young Edward. I'm sure your coven mates care deeply for you, but having the survivor near can be extremely taxing on the entire coven. A break might be a nice change for both you and your family. _

I found myself in Nicholas' head watching my family. Three perfectly matched pairs. Emmett and Rosalie looked bored. Emmett clearly had been hoping the visitor would be less than friendly; he liked a good fight and never missed the opportunity to display his brawn. Rosalie was thinking about changing the color of her hair, perhaps adding some red highlights. Esme looked tired, my mother actually looked tired. From her thoughts I could see she was clearly relived that this vampire posed no danger to her family, but troubled that the attention had been turned to me. She was thinking how she would ask me to go hunting with her later. She would tell me she was afraid that Nicholas still lurked nearby and she didn't wish to go alone.

Jasper remained tense. Any reminder of his past life in the south always put him on edge. He was flipping through his memories too fast for me to focus on any specific one, looking for Nicholas' face in them. I could see his fingers around Carlisle's elbow where I usually gripped when communicating with him. Even without the gift of seeing thoughts, he was conveying his concerns. When I saw the faraway look in Alice's eyes I immediately jumped in her head. Her vision was blurry but I knew it was me driving somewhere in my car. Where was I driving to?

"As I said, you are more than welcome to stay. We'd love to hear more about your travels. "Carlisle was clearly trying to wrap this conversation up and shift focus away from me.

I felt a twinge of guilt. After centuries of existing on this earth, Carlisle always welcomed the opportunity to interact with others of his kind, but because of me he felt apprehensive and despite his words, he wanted the stranger gone.

"That is very gracious of you, but unfortunately, I have no time to spare, "He laughed sardonically at his own comment. Time was something vampires had plenty of_. Your coven looks weary, young Edward, surely the burden of your mate's death weights heavily on all of them. A change would do all of you good. _

I snorted, a sound that would carry to all of their ears. Whatever his motivation, it was quite clear that he was trying to entice me to go with him. He couldn't know that even if it were my wish, Carlisle would never let me leave? I was the emotional baggage that this family carried with them wherever they went, woven into the very fabric of their lives.

"Well I completely understand. Can I ask a favor of you then?" Carlisle appeared visibly relieved. He was pondering my expulsion of air, wondering whose thoughts I was reacting to.

Nicholas' eyebrows rose perceptively. "Of course you can ask."

The comment was not lost on Carlisle, asking would not mean compliance. "Please don't hunt in this area. We've had some incidents in the past that have drawn suspicions and we would rather not fuel any more speculation."

Nicholas chuckled. "So humans are not always safe around you then?"

"It's not us that humans should fear; it's our "friends" that create the issues." Carlisle corrected.

"Understood." The dark haired vampire appeared amused. "I will not hunt until I reach San Francisco. Is that far enough away?"

"Yes and much appreciated." Carlisle's tone was dismissive. He was asking Nicholas to leave.

I returned to my bed, thinking how it now felt natural, even comfortable to lie on it. Before Bella, I had never owned a bed other than when I was first changed and still had a need to cling onto human rituals. But now it seemed perfectly natural to curl up in the folds of quilts and mounds of pillows that covered its surface. I could hear the farewells of my family, as they bid the vampire goodbye, but it was Nicholas' thoughts that caught my attention.

He appeared to have let his guard down and I could see them more clearly; a rugged tall blond vampire and a beautiful blond haired female next to him; a young women with black hair, her eyes a brilliant crimson, dancing under a cascading waterfall amidst a tropical paradise; two young males, wrestling in a mock fight, cheers from unseen faces erupting when one would be taken down by the other. Who were these vampires and why was Nicholas giving me access to them?

_Take care young Edward and don't despair. Covens can survive the loss of one of a mated pair. It's rare but I've seen it happen. I'll keep you my thoughts. Just remember Jesus of the Mountain, mi amigo. It can set you free._

_

* * *

_

Later, after I declined Esme's request to hunt, pointing out that I knew of her motivations and dishonesty and trying to ignore the pained look I saw in her eye, I contemplated the words of Nicholas. Obviously his silent commentary was born of the desire for me to go with him, so I couldn't really take his words to heart, but still, a lingering, nagging doubt remained.

I thought back on the last several months, months I'd spent as a recluse existing in a catatonic state or more recently an emotional wrecking ball, hammering at the foundation of my family with my blatant misery. I thought about the hazy visions of my family members as they drifted in and out of my consciousness, the pain and worry clearly evident in their faces as one after the other attempted to entice me to live again. I thought about feeling Alice's petite body curled up against me, her lips against my neck, whispering soothing words of hope and encouragement and only now remembering the annoyance in Jasper's thoughts when he discovered that his wife was once again spending her evening trying to induce some kind of sanguine response from me.

I thought of Carlisle, the guilt that returned to him time and again when he witnessed my agony, the guilt of changing me, the guilt that I could not find the happiness that he'd enjoyed for decades, always second guessing his decisions always trying to come up with a solution to the tragedy that was my existence. I thought of Esme who suffered as I suffered feeling my desolation and despair as if it was hers to bear which made me want to push her away more than any of the others, consequently I hurt her more than the rest. I thought of my brothers for all their sympathy and attempts to empathize with my loss, they were uncomfortable in my presence, spending no more than a few minutes with me at any given time, preferring to hunt or roughhouse or play their games without me even after their wives and Esme, encouraged them to include me. And finally I thought of Rosalie and her comments yesterday, how I was taking my family on a journey through hell, how I was killing Esme, killing Carlisle's mate with my behavior. Rosalie, always the most honest, never sparing the feelings of the injured party, seldom exaggerating her claims.

I pulled my favorite pillow to my chest and sucked in deeply. There was no more Bella scent in my room. If it was possible to drain a scent, to suck it dry, then I'd certainly done that over the last few months. Other than the memories I had of her sitting on my leather sofa or flipping through my music or lying in our bed enticing me to join her, there was no physical reminder that she had ever been here. Facing this reality might allow me to think of another one, a new one, something that had been suggested to me time and again.

I immediately sat up as it hit me. Over and over again, I'd been inundated with requests to leave the house. Denali they all said. It would be good for me. I should go and visit Eleazar and Carmen in Denali. It was a change of scenery. It would help me forget.

"_Edward, it would be best if you spent some time in Denali_."

"_Edward, go to Denali, for just a month or two, so I can get your surprise completed." _

"_Eleazar and Carmen would love to see you again, why don't you visit them in Denali"_

_Denali….Denali….Denali….Denali…._

It was so clear now. They needed me to go to Denali, needed me out of the house, needed to be free of my misery and angst, even for a short while. And hadn't I heard the chit chat about Jasper, how my wretched disposition was hammering at his sanity. I'd seen Alice's thoughts as she contemplated taking Jasper and going to Denali themselves just to escape my emotion turbulence. Why had I been ignoring all of the signs?

Because I was a selfish flawed vampire too caught up in my own miserable self to recognize what I was doing to my family and it took an outsider with his own motivations to enlighten me. I needed to leave my family, I needed to do as they requested, putting my own emotionally retarded excuses aside. I needed to go to Denali.

"Edward, are you sure about this?" Carlisle was in my room within minutes of my silent proclamation. The vision of me in Alice's mind that was only blurry possibilities earlier in the day had crystallized and she hadn't wasted any time in informing Carlisle of my intentions to leave.

"Yes I'm sure, Carlisle. I think it would be best." My voice sounded tentative. I needed confidence, not indecisiveness.

"Edward," Carlisle sighed. "Why this sudden change of heart? I do not want you doing anything that might jeopardize your well being. I want to understand your motivations. You were fairly adamant about not going only a few short hours ago. I would hate to see you make a decision based on outside influences."

If he only knew. "So wanting to see Tanya again, would not be a good reason?" I tried to change the tone of the conversation, banter, however, was not my strong point.

"It would not be a good reason only because it would not be true." Carlisle never took the easy way out of a conversation. "Esme's surprise for you aside, I can only think of one reason to go and that is to remove yourself from the constant exposure to your memories of Bella in this house or if you'd rather, allow a distraction from the memories by interacting with others that did not know Bella. To be honest Edward, I think being around us, doesn't help. Not only are you reminded of your own recollections of her, but you are privy to our memories as well."

"Yes, you're right; I've only recently realized it." Lying was good. Especially when my lie reaffirmed what Carlisle thought and I wouldn't sabotage my own argument by reminding him that after the move to Duluth, nothing would change. They would always have their Bella memories. If he really believed that my overwhelming depression was triggered by their memories compounded with my own, the only hope that I might ever be whole again was to stay completely away from them. I choose not to point that out to him.

"Don't worry, son. Going to Denali now is just once step in the process." He watched me for a moment as I fumbled around in my closet looking for a suitcase. "When do you want to leave?"

"As soon as possible."

"After my shift tonight I'll drive you up there. Esme might want to come with us if you don't mind."

"No!"

"You don't want Esme to come with?" Carlisle looked hurt.

"No, of course not, I mean, no, I'll drive myself." How could I tell him that spending time with him and Esme would be unbearable? I was leaving them for their own good, but it wouldn't be easy. I needed a clean break.

"Are you sure?" I could see flickers of his memories of me curled in a ball in the bed. He doubted my resilience. "One of your brothers or sisters could ride with you if you prefer?"

"No. I want to be alone." Judging from the expression on Carlisle's face that was the wrong thing to say. "I….I like that drive. I need that time to prepare myself for the sisters." Playing on the well known anxiety I experienced when I was subject to the sexual innuendos in their thoughts put Carlisle's mind at ease; he understood that all too well.

"Edward, I can ask them to leave. They could come here for a visit."

"No. That wouldn't be fair to them. I can handle it. I just need some time to prepare myself. The drive will help." I was starting to believe the lies myself. "Could you ask Rosalie to tune up my car? It hasn't been driven in a while."

Carlisle didn't look convinced but I'd deflected him with the comment on auto maintenance. It struck the right note. I was showing _responsibility_.

"Of course I will."

"I'm on it." Rosalie's voice echoed through the hallway. No such thing as a private conversation in this house.

We both looked up as Alice appeared in the door of my room. "I'm here to help you pack."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" I smiled. Yes the family was committed to me leaving, the sooner the better. There would be no one arguing for me to stay. How could I have been so dense? The house was already becoming more animated with the anticipation of my departure.

"Will you at least wait until I return from the hospital in the morning?" Only Carlisle still sounded unconvinced. He didn't need a mind reader in his family, his skills at deciphering hidden meanings in words and moods were nearly as perceptive.

"Yes of course. Will you call Eleazar for me? Last time it took me just under thirty hours." Last time I was running away from Bella and her delectable blood.

"Of course son, I'll call him now and let him know to expect you."

Carlisle stood up. _Did you gather any information from Nicholas? He did not seem completely forthcoming._

"He was lying. I don't think about anything significant but he wasn't being truthful."

"Yes that's what I thought. You picked up nothing else? His story of traveling while his coven waited for him sounded unconvincing. It really makes no sense. Perhaps his admission that he is from a southern coven has put me on edge. Jasper's own nightmarish experiences have tainted my opinions of those that claim to have come from the South." Carlisle scratched the back of his neck. He was more suspicious of our most recent visitor than he let on at the time.

"No, nothing. " I responded casually. I'm not sure why I didn't mention the stranger's gift or his attempts to communicate with me. I picked up Carlisle's thoughts before he could hide them.

_He wasn't listening. He was thinking of Bella_

Carlisle automatic conclusion that I hadn't garnered any additional information because of my inability to focus on anything but Bella was demoralizing. I was no longer the asset to him or this family that I once was.

"Good to know. It was unfortunate that he couldn't stay and chat. Despite his appearance, there was a refinement about him. I suspect he had some interesting stories to tell" _I wonder if letting him drive to Denali is a wise idea._

"I am perfectly capable of making the drive to Denali myself," I snapped, my mood darkening with these additional revelations about my perceived incompetence.

"But Edward, we could have so much fun." Alice chimed in. "Let me come, pleeaaaaase."

"I think you need to stay here and take care of Jasper, you've wasted more than enough of your time appeasing my unending demands on your time." My room suddenly felt claustrophobic.

"Edward, please." Carlisle's voice remained composed, soothing. _We worry about you, son. We only want to help, but of course we will respect your wishes._

"I'm tired of being treated like an invalid." I regretted that comment the minute it slipped out.

"Then stop acting like one, silly." Alice was pulling outfits out of my closet, holding them in front of me, like I might have grown out of them since the last time I wore them.

"Alice what are you doing?"

"Oh just trying to decide what looks best with your beautiful black eyes. Nothing really clashes with black, so any of these clothes should work." She tossed a blue sweater into my suitcase.

I groaned and jumped back on the bed.

_I'll let Esme know of your decision_. Carlisle touched my head as he left the room.

I felt a lump in my throat. For the first time, the ramifications of my decision to leave was hitting home. I would not wait for Carlisle's return in the morning. My emotions would be too raw and might be misinterpreted. Leaving my family for a couple of months would not under normal circumstances create such a cataclysmic reaction in me and I didn't want to draw their suspicions. I wasn't sure that the month or two of self imposed exile would be enough to repair the damage I'd done to my family and when that time was up, what were my options? My selfishness had to stop, had to stop right now. As Carlisle had said, this was the first step.

* * *

I was packed and ready to go. Rosalie had deemed my car fit to drive and Alice had my suitcase packed and loaded in the trunk. I'd already said my goodbyes to my brothers and their well wishes were uncomfortable and short. They wasted no time cajoling Esme into hunting with them. She'd kissed me sweetly, keeping her tears in check. She thought I was waiting for Carlisle so her official more emotional goodbye would come then. I planned on being out the door and on the road several hours before either of them came home.

In the meantime, I barricaded myself in my room and mercifully, Alice had left me alone understanding my need for solitude. I was saying goodbye to Bella. I would not see this room again; not for decades, if ever. I sat on my favorite piece of furniture, the bed, and gazed around me remembering every memory I had of her in my room. Like Jasper earlier with Nicholas, I flipped through all my memories, like they were on a giant rolodex, stopping when I came across one of Bella, sitting on my lap on my couch, playing with my hair in front of the computer, snuggling against my chest on the bed, all of them.

A familiar numbing sadness started to envelop me and I wanted to curl up in a ball and think only of her, forget about Denali, forget about leaving, forget about hurting my family with my emotional turmoil. I didn't care about anything but her. But then, as quickly as that feeling threatened to drown me, a thought that had nothing to do with Bella elbowed through her memories making me take notice.

It was an inconspicuous little comment from Nicholas, one that hadn't made sense to me and didn't seem particularly significant at the time.

"Jesus of the Mountain," he'd said. "It can set you free."

What exactly had that meant? I wasn't familiar with the phrase "Jesus of the Mountain" and I could not understand the relevance of it given the premise of his other comments to me.

I slide in front of my computer and quickly typed in the phrase, scanning the thousands of hits, looking for some connection, some meaning that would pop out at me. There were numerous references to the Bible and various verses within it. Jesus of the Mountain also referred to religious camps and organizations throughout the country, but none of it seemed applicable to me. Yet as its meaning eluded me, I became more certain that the phrase was noteworthy.

I tried combining the phrases "Jesus of the Mountain it can set you free", but that search produced more of the same. It made no sense. Why some obscure comment as a parting word? There was little doubt that Nicholas had been trying to entice me to join him, yet his last thoughts were perplexing. There must be more to it.

Thinking again, I realized I had not been quoting him exactly. His last words were "_Just remember Jesus of the Mountain, mi amigo. It can set you free."_

I typed in "Jesus of the Mountain my friend", then "Jesus of the Mountain my friend it can set you free." Still nothing.

My fingers drummed on my desk. What was I missing? Why would Nicholas say mi amigo? He wasn't Spanish, he wasn't Mexican. Was it a slip of the tongue, something many of us did when we were immersed in more than one culture, interspersing our conversations with words of more than one language. He suggested his coven was in or around Mexico City so assuming he was being truthful, he would be headed there, back to a Spanish speaking people.

I typed in "Jesus of the Mountain Spanish". More of the same. Then "Jesus of the Mountain Mexico."

And there it was. Jesus Del Monte. The English translation was Jesus of the Mountain. He was referring to a town. Immediately I clicked on the first link. A blog from a tourist. The town was located just on the outskirts of Morelia, a large city in South Central Mexico. Just a few miles away from the town of Jesus Del Monte was a tropical paradise of waterfalls and dense vegetation. I gasped remembering the dancing girl in his thoughts. He was giving me directions to his coven. But why?

Many nomads sought out companionship from other vampires, so it wouldn't be out of character for him to seek my company, a vampire with no mate to accompany him. However, he was headed home, headed back to a coven that he'd long been away from. Why in this last leg of his trip would he suddenly desire a companion? And more specifically, why did he want me to know the whereabouts of his coven. It wasn't anywhere near Mexico City like he had told Carlisle, so not only did he want me to know, but he kept that information from the rest of my family. Again the question was why?

I knew my way to Denali, could drive it with my eyes closed or as was our way in the old days, could run across miles and miles of US and Canadian wilderness using natural landmarks to guide me and easily find my way. So once on the freeway, I didn't look at interstate signs, I didn't check a map, I didn't even consult with my car's built in GPS, I just drove. In my mind I pictured the change of scenery that each mile marker would bring. I pictured the coastal views, the snow capped mountains looming before me and as the highway took me further inland, I pictured the dense forests and massive trees towering over the single strip of pavement winding through it. Sometimes I thought of Bella, imagined her on the seat next to me, coming with me to visit my second family for the first time. She would be excited and nervous, expressing her concerns over her appearance or whether they would like her or not, always thinking she wasn't quite good enough.

But thinking of Bella was becoming harder and harder, especially since I couldn't curl up and sink into my memories of her. So mostly I just thought of the next turn in the road, and the next and the next, all the while reciting over and over, Denali…. Denali…. Denali…., like a devoted Buddhist monk chanting his morning prayers. Ten hours into my trip I imagined pulling into the narrow long driveway that started the slow steady climb up to their home. It was an old hunting lodge, converted and decorated by Esme one of her most prized and cherished renovations. Completely isolated, and almost impossible to navigator by car in the winter, human visitors were kept at bay. Summers were another story. Curious hikers would not be kept out by no trespassing signs and often traversed up the narrow trail to the lodge, their curiosity piqued by town gossip of a group of beautiful women living and surviving year round in such a desolate area. Fortunately for those humans, the coven was completely vegetarian and very in control of their bloodlust and at worst the trespassers were subject to a scare by Eleazar as he roared like a deranged beast from somewhere in the murky wilderness surrounding the house adding to the mystique of the house and its occupants.

Fifteen hours into the drive, I thought about how Eleazar and Carmen would greet me warmly, especially Carmen, with her mothering tendencies, she reminded me so much of Esme. The sisters would be more wary, more standoffish, not wanting to offend me as they had so often done in the past. They saw me as an innocent child, their thoughts which once were full of sexual images and feelings of lust, had been tempered in such a way that they viewed me now as nothing more than their annoying asexual younger brother. That was, all except for Tanya. Depending on her mood, she could be an amused sister or a devilish conniving vixen, more often the latter which made me extremely uncomfortable.

Twenty-five hours into my drive I thought about whether I would park my car in Anchorage and run the rest of the way in or take a chance on the desolate stretch of highway that led up to their house. A phone call to Eleazar might be necessary, though it was entirely possible that they wouldn't know the condition of the roads, running always seemed a faster more efficient way of travel even in the best of conditions. The thought of placing a phone call made me check my phone. I was surprised to see ten missed calls. Carlisle, Esme and Alice. I called Alice first. I needed to know what she saw of my future.

"I told you leaving without saying goodbye would hurt Esme. Did you call her yet?" My sister's voice sounded annoyed, but untroubled. That was good.

"And I told you that I had already said goodbye to her. I never said I would be there when she got back."

"No, you reserved that little lie for Carlisle, didn't you?"

"Is this the only reason you called me," I sighed. As far as lying went, that infraction was minor. Things would be getting much, much worse very soon.

"Well, I also called to talk, but until you apologize to Esme, I have nothing to say to you." Click.

Alice was easily mollified. If I called her back, she would talk to me. Instead I called Carlisle. I knew he was at the hospital so with any luck….

"_You have reached the voicemail of Dr Carlisle Cullen. Please leave a message_…." I tapped one. "Hi Carlisle. Just calling to apologize for leaving before your shift ended. I….well….I just thought it would be better to get on the road. I'll call you later and.…" I paused, my voice sounded perfunctory, detached, but I could feel the crack coming. "Bye."

It was fine. Everything was fine. Alice was my biggest worry and once I realized that she saw me heading to Denali, I knew I was home free. They wouldn't be able to find me. They wouldn't know where to start. Twenty five hours of straight driving only stopping to refuel had put plenty of distance between me and Forks. For the first time since I hopped in my car and turned onto the interstate, I allowed myself to see, really see what was around me. Gone were the visions of snow capped mountains, densely vegetated forests and the wide blue expanse of the Pacific Ocean sparkling like a blue sapphire in the distant horizon. In its stead were outcroppings of red rock sprouting up from the brown loam in the sparsely vegetated backdrop that lined either side of the miles and miles of pavement stretching out before me, glistening like a mirage in the early morning sun. I felt at once exhilarated and ashamed. Exhilarated that I was beyond anyone's clutches or responsibility no longer held accountable to expectations I could never hope to live up to and ashamed that I had once again lied to and manipulated my family hurting the ones I claimed to love the most. It was an emotional rollercoaster that confounded and depressed me yet I could not find a way off of it.

My phone was ringing and when I looked at the caller ID I saw it was Alice. I shut it off and turned on the first dirt road I saw. I needed to find a place to leave my car. I would not need it in Mexico.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**Jesus Del Monte is a real town in Mexico. Sounds gorgeous. Type it in to any search engine. The first thing that comes up is a tourist's blog. :o)  
**_


	5. Mexico

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**This chapter has several new characters and might be confusing. Please bear with me. It will make sense as time goes on. I might note that I'm not a huge fan of new characters in fanfic but it is necessary to move this story forward.**_

* * *

I heard her thoughts before I smelled her. She was thinking about doing a swan dive off of a white billowy cloud into a vast expanse of psychedelic colors; her arms held above her head, her toes pointed, a projectile falling from the sky and hitting the mysterious mass without creating a single ripple in it.

I shook my head trying clear it of the odd image. Had she seen me coming? Did she have a gift herself? Was this some unique way of blocking her thoughts? I was wary and approached her slowly.

It had been five days since I pushed my car into a ravine in New Mexico, leaving behind what remained of my other life. I brought with me none of the clothes or personal effects that Alice had packed for me. The only thing I kept was my cell phone and it remained off. I needed no corroboration of my latest act of idiocy from any of _them_. Running was faster than driving, but I'd taken my time not wanting to beat Nicholas back to his coven before he could announce me. The hunting was paltry at best; I lived off of coyotes mostly, disgusting scavengers with sour tasting blood and a single mule deer that had the misfortune of crossing my path.

I ran only at night, hiding during daylight hours in whatever bit of shelter either natural or manmade that I could find. I could not risk a human seeing me even from a distance with my luminous skin that sparkled under the unrelenting sun. I'd lived a nomadic life before, but never in such a desolate area preferring the bigger cities that offered more of the depraved human prey that I could justify feeding on during those rebellious years.

I was deep into Mexico now and relying on my innate sense of direction to guide me to the spot on the map that was buried in my subconscious. I was confident that Alice could not identify my ultimate destination. She relied more on generalizations and less on specifics which could be maddening if one were depending on her visions to locate something particular. I assumed this same vague mental picture of my location and destination was infuriating Carlisle, but it gave me some comfort to know that they would not be able to follow me on my latest misbegotten adventure.

I didn't try to scrutinize why I was here approaching an unknown group of vampires in a southern region known for its violence. There was no logical explanation for my behavior so trying to analyze it would be an effort in futility. My rebellion seemed a massive over reaction to a simple request to visit Denali. Perhaps I truly had lost my mind and could no longer make decisions based on reason and common sense. If that were the case, then it was better that I become another coven's burden than continue to strap my family with my tribulations.

As I approached the lone vampire, I thought it might be possible that I was no longer able to decipher thoughts in a rational manner which would explain the jumbled incoherent ramblings that were currently whirling around in my brain. I slid into her mind and watched my own approach. I had not concealed my arrival and emerged into a small clearing quite close to her yet she appeared not to notice me, her eyes were focused over my head as she stared from her perch in a gnarled tree branch. She was the girl I'd seen in Nicholas' thoughts, the one that danced under a waterfall. His memory had not done her justice. She was extraordinarily beautiful, her shimmering black hair falling well below her waist; her face was like a finely chiseled sculpture, the angles precise, her features, eyes…nose…mouth, symmetrical and complementary of each other. Her skin, though pale, had a sun touched hue to it and since we didn't tan, it led me to believe she was native to the territory.

"Hola," I said softly, not wanting to startle her from a very vivid image of colors and shapes twisting languidly in the breeze across the clearing as real as any solidified vision of Alice's, except when I viewed the same scene through my own eyes, the mirage of colors failed to materialize.

The girl's faraway gaze shifted down and she looked at me thoughtfully, neither startled nor alarmed. A smile slowly slid across her lips and she appeared amused, like she knew me, was expecting me and that we shared a secret joke.

"Ciao." Her voice was high and lilting, "Why are you walking?" She spoke in accented English. I was incorrect about her nationality. She was Italian.

"I didn't think it wise to drive my car, besides it's faster to travel on foot."

"No…no…I mean why aren't you flying?" She stood up on the tree branch not ten feet in the air and flapped her arms as if to demonstrate.

"I'm sorry, I don't understand." Her thoughts revealed nothing but the same random images that now included me being accosted by moving shapes in the grass, shapes that weren't visible to my eyes and certainly weren't swirling around my legs wrapping around my torso.

She sighed and still flapping her arms jumped from her perch landing gracefully on the ground. This did not please her and she pouted folding her arms across her chest. "I can't fly today either. Do you want to walk with me?"

I nodded not sure what else I should do. Was this a game, a test, a way to determine if I could truly read minds? She was my first contact with Nicholas' coven and I hoped she could lead me to the rest of them. If she was suffering from some mental abnormality, it was odd that they would let her wander off by herself. Then I remembered my own delicate frame of mind and hadn't I been allowed to go on a twenty-five hundred mile journey alone. I was hardly in a position to judge.

"Nicholas invited me to visit your coven. Do you know Nicholas?" I fell behind the girl who was skipping in front of me, her animated movements reminding me of Alice.

She giggled, looking back at me shyly before responding. "Of course I do, he's my mate."

Interesting. I specifically remembered Nicholas saying he didn't have a mate. Why would he lie about something like that? "And is your mate back from his travels yet?"

"Yes, he's back. Come let's go find him, Edward." She giggled again and then took off running, her peals of laughter echoing back to my astounded stationary form.

The familiar way my name rolled off her tongue unnerved me and I tried to quell my growing unease. He'd obviously wasted no time communicating my identity to his mate. Was he so sure that I would follow him? I started running after the girl who was still laughing softly from somewhere in the trees ahead of me looking back from time to time.

Again I tried to read her thoughts and again found myself in a swirling mix of animated colors and anonymous shapes. I was so entranced by this jumbled mass of images that I didn't see a darker shadow firm up and fly in from her peripheral vision towards me until it was too late. Down I went; the force of the impact throwing me forty feet in the air, the unseen assailant had rolled away before I could regain my footing.

"Who are you?" A voice hissed and I spun to face my attacker, crouched and ready to spring, a low growl rumbling from my lips.

The one before me had also assumed a crouch. He was tall, without being broad; his hair was long, shaggy, brownish color. The features on his face were severe, his skin pulled taut over the marble bones of his skull. I could see several white crescent shaped scars on his face and more on the flesh visible above his hands and not covered by his long sleeve rather filthy shirt. He was Jasper all over again.

His lips were curled baring his teeth, he looked like the vicious predator he was. It would be just my luck that Nicholas had failed to mention me to this one.

"My name is Edward." We were circling each other eyes locked. "I was invited by Nicholas."

The vampire in front of me did not seem surprised, but his posture did not change. "And why have you come? What do you want from us?"

What did I want from them? Shouldn't I be asking him that? Was he trying to distract me until the rest of his coven arrived? I tried reading his thoughts, but he appeared to be aware of my gift and was deliberately blocking me using the familiar technique of reciting text over and over, in this case Shakespearean sonnets. He did not give the impression that he was about to attack, so I tried to minimize my aggressive posturing not wanting to exacerbate the tension between us.

"I don't want anything from you. I just…..I'm not sure why I came to be honest. I was invited by Nicholas and perhaps a bit impulsively, I took him up on his offer."

It was then that I picked up the thoughts of others, several others. Most were unfocused, disjointed; they were tracking the scent of an unfamiliar vampire, me, and their senses were heightened, their excitement was unmistakable dominating all other thoughts except for their thirst which alerted me with the intensity of it.

Newborns. Several newborns. I could smell them charging through the trees towards us, their overpowering scent hot with the thrill of the chase. They were hunting and I was their prey. I wanted to run, but newborns could be fast and there was no guarantee I could beat them. Inviting them to pursue me was last thing I wanted to do.

The black haired girl had come back and was spinning around me. Was I about to be attacked? Was this some sort of ruse? And if so, why had I been invited here in the first place? I felt a slight sense of panic but fought it down, they would be able to smell it on me and this would only encourage them further.

"Be nice Daniel. Edward's my friend. We are going to fly together." She frowned catching the scents of the incoming vampires but a serene look was on her pretty face. It eased my trepidation only slightly.

I was unable to stop the reverberating growl that escaped my lips as I saw three than four vampires emerge from the trees. They were in an equal sorry state of dress, none of them had shoes, some were missing shirts, all were male and they all looked like they would like nothing better than to annihilate me.

The girl ran between them snatching at their bodies picking what appeared to be imaginary soap bubbles off of them and releasing them in the air. They were surprisingly tolerant of her odd behavior doing their best to ignore her, though I could see a couple get more agitated and defensive in her presence.

"Who do you have here, Daniel?" One of them said, eyeing me suspiciously. There was a menacing gleam in his eyes and a look of anticipation that didn't bode well for me.

"He claims to be a friend of Nicholas, the one with the gift, the one that can read minds." Daniel had relaxed his posture with the arrival of the others. He had nothing to fear from me now. "Is that true? Are you the mind reader that Nicholas alleges to have found?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that. Divulging too much information to the wrong person could be a mistake. I tried to focus on what Carlisle would do. His disposition, his unending patience and soothing influences never failed to defuse a volatile situation. If only I could emulate him.

"I'd prefer to wait and talk to Nicholas before going into too many details about myself if that would be alright." My voice remained low and reassuring, but despite my attempts to placate him I could tell he was not pleased. He was obviously the leader of this makeshift group of rogues and his perceived authority was key in his ability to lead them.

"You'll speak to me and confirm your abilities first before I take you to anyone. I don't answer to Nicholas and neither will you."

I didn't think it wise to ask him what he meant by that last comment, but before I could respond I heard others moving towards us, three more. Did that make seven then? These were not newborns, their thoughts were much more focused their emotions less erratic and displace. They remained in the trees watching us.

"Very well," I said. I did my best to keep my voice steady as I recited that last sonnet I'd heard in his thoughts.

"_Being your slave what should I do but tend  
Upon the hours, and times of your desire?  
I have no precious time at all to spend;  
Nor services to do, till you require.  
Nor dare I chide the world without end hour,  
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,  
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour,  
When you have bid your servant once adieu;  
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought  
Where you may be…"._

"Yes…yes, fine, you have the gift. Come then and try not to antagonize my newborns."

He waved me forward ahead of him which made me uncomfortable, but I saw little choice and I would rather have him between me and the posse of newborns who were obviously disappointed. In their thoughts I could see that they'd anticipated tearing me limb from limb watching me burn as they merrily ran around the fire that contained my corpse.

We moved quickly, the girl leading the way, the newborns some distance back from us. The ones in the trees remained on either side of us, I suspected they were waiting for me to try and run. I was in a precarious position. There was little I could do but allow myself to be herded towards what I assumed was the coven leader and hopefully Nicholas who could sort this all out.

"The girl, is there something wrong with her?" I asked nodding my head toward the lithe figure that disappeared than reappeared as she skipped between the trees.

"Wrong? I'm not sure what you mean," Daniel said evasively, but in his thoughts I could see a memory of her screaming and lashing out at him and Nicholas as they tried to subdue her.

"Her thoughts are not lucid. She sees things, random images that make no sense."

Daniel chuckled but it wasn't out of humor. "It will be interesting having a mind reader in our midst. Still, it's not my story to tell. You will need to speak with Nicholas or Cameron about Gina."

"Who is Cameron?"

Daniel had moved in front of me picking up the pace. In his mind I saw the blond haired vampire that I'd also seen in Nicholas' thoughts. "You will find out soon enough. No more questions please." He said curtly.

There was a snarling behind us and we both spun around. "Stop you fools." Daniel left my side and stepped between two of the newborns. They were all agitated and circling but two of the four appeared to be squaring off.

I backed away from the violent confrontation. I'd never before been around so many unstable minds. Their thoughts were hammering at me from all directions.

_Kill him he's trying to poison the master's mind against you. _

_I'm so thirsty._

_He'll sneak up on you at night. Kill him now. Daniel won't punish me, he needs me._

_Sediento…._ _sediento….sediento….I necesidad de alimentar._

_Will we be hunting tonight? It's been three days. Daniel will let us hunt._

_Who is that new vampire? Rico says he's a mind reader. He'll be able to tell master our_ _thoughts. We should kill him now. _

I watched the owner of the last comment closely. He was standing apart from the other two not watching the fight but instead staring boldly at me. Sizing him up I knew he would hold no advantage over me other than what was typical for any newborn, however being a loner in this coven was filled with hazards. Without knowing if I had any allies, I could not know how much danger I was in. Being a mind reader would only get me so far. Why had I come here? How could I have been so stupid?

The vampires in the trees moved closer. They still did not show themselves, but they were prepared to step in should the situation escalate. I would do nothing to agitate them myself. They weren't newborns but their control was shaky at best.

_I will not patrol with Michael again. I must talk to Daniel about him. He can't be trusted._

_Is Nicholas leaving? Who will keep us safe from Daniel if Nicholas leaves?_

_Why are that vampire's eyes yellow? Is he sick?_

As I watched Daniel cajole and scheme to get the two newborns under control without getting ripped apart himself, I realized that so far, most of Nicholas' information had been a lie. This coven was building a newborn army to acquire or hold onto territory. Nothing else would explain the existence of four newborns. No coven would turn so many in such a short amount of time. I would need to extract myself from this mess quickly before the situation escalated into something I no longer had control over.

Denali and the sisters were suddenly sounding like a very appealing alternative. I could apologize to Carlisle for this lapse in judgment. He would forgive me. He always did. For the time being I would draw from Jasper's memories. He'd survived in this environment for decades. I would use his experience and thank him for it later. And right now he was telling me to stand still, make no sudden moves, avoid eye contact and remain as non threatening as possible. I forced myself from the crouched position I was in, to an upright more human position and waited for tensions to dissolve.

As Daniel sweet talked his charges, the animosity subsided. Gina was back in the mix running between the newborns and myself, her arms flapping at her sides, her impatience evident to all. Initially I thought she might agitate them again, but they appeared to be diverted by her behavior. It was obvious they viewed her as nothing more than a harmless child. In her own way she was defusing the situation herself.

Once Daniel felt comfortable that he had the two troublemakers under control he encouraged them to leave us to hunt with specific instructions on the where's and how's, and the need for some discretion. Watching him convey his instructions on how to kill and hide human bodies, something he apparently had to reiterate before each hunt made my skin crawl.

It was so contrary to how Carlisle introduced his newborns to the act of hunting, how following a human scent, killing a human was to be avoided at all costs. He had to do the impossible, convince us to defy our instincts, ignore what was innate to our species. His patience during the first years of our vampire life could put Job to shame. His sympathy and understanding when we failed was as certain as the sun rising in the east and acted as the antidote for our guilty conscious. He did everything he could to make us see that we weren't evil, we could control our hunger, we could not only avoid killing humans but live peaceable among them. All of his wisdom, his passion for his beliefs was integrated into each one of us. It was his legacy. I was reminded again of the unending amount of respect that I had for him. So why was I here?

When Daniel felt comfortable that the newborns were under control, he turned his attention back to me. "I assume you don't need to hunt." He smirked.

"No, I'm still full from the pack of coyotes I killed earlier." My tone was acerbic. The newborns snickered. Apparently my taste in blood was fodder for their amusement.

With some additional snarling and subsequent shouts from Daniel, the newborn pack was off, their merriment and enthusiasm was detestable in view of the appalling deeds they would soon undertake.

We began trotting again, Gina in the lead; the missing pack of newborns defusing the situation considerably. The unidentified others remained hidden in the trees. I understood that they were Daniel's protection against me should my compliancy evaporate. I relaxed just a little. If I tried to escape now, I stood a reasonable chance of making it. I seriously doubted that Daniel or the others had my natural speed. I could outrun them. But I might be wrong and there was always the possibility of other vampires in the area, which I had yet to identify. Better to wait. Surely I would be given more than one chance to escape and it was very likely that I wouldn't need to. After all, what harm could I do to a coven of so many?

We were no longer running through trees, but had emerged onto what appeared to be an abandon dirt road, one that hadn't seen the use of a vehicle in a number of years. As we rounded a small bend, I could see a hacienda through the trees. It was a sprawling structure; quite elaborate for what I pictured a southern coven would dwell in, though hardly to Esme's standards. The building itself was in severe disrepair and no attempts had been made to keep the property in even a minimal amount of its former glory. Still, it was large and prominent and most likely a property of note especially with the locals. Hardly the inconspicuous abode that Jasper's memories suggested warring covens resided in. I touched the phone in my pocket wanting to call him, ask for his opinion, cringed at what would be his incredulous response and quickly abandoned that idea.

There were more vampires inside. Their thoughts were curious and guarded but not hostile. Nicholas was there too. I only got one thing from him. _Relief._ They had prepared themselves for my arrival, and now they waited. Anticipation, fear, excitement and Gina's bizarre images filled my mind. I tried not to think or analyze any one thought, but rather closed my mind like I did when I wanted to give my family some privacy. I wanted to see the owners of these thoughts before I drew any conclusions.

Gina had run through the front door, which was really just a doorway, the door was missing. The area in front of the house appeared to have been a garden at some point but now it was littered with broken furniture, crumbling pieces of exterior walls that still surrounded the property and other debris which didn't warrant further inspection. With a sharp intake of breath I realized a human skull had been carefully placed on a broken pillar. An involuntary shudder rippled through me. Beside me Daniel cackled.

I saw the blond women from Nicholas' memories first. As still as a sculpture she stood in the shadows as we entered the front doorway. Tall and regal she exuberated an ethereal aura and when my eyes locked with hers, I at once felt myself being pulled into her gaze. She was mesmerizing. Her eyes radiated with emotion even as her body did not so much as twitch. I felt myself drawn into the depths of those eyes, felt the hypnotic pull of her gaze and try as I might I could not break the spell of that penetrating stare.

"You are Edward, the mind reader that Nicholas has told us about?"Her voice had a familiar lilt. The same accent crept into Carlisle's words when he was emotionalor excited.

I nodded my head. It was a rhetorical question. Who else would I be?

"And you've come to join us in our fight to stop those that are trying to take what is ours."

I looked at her thoughtfully cocking my head. Is that why I was here? To help them defend their coven? I found it hard to focus.

"Mary….Mary. We must not put such a burden on our young friend. Edward is our guest. We must give him time to absorb everything before we articulate our wishes."

The blond man that I understood to be Cameron drifted in from another room and stood at Mary's side his arm slipping over her shoulder. His affection for the women next to him appeared obvious and I quickly assumed they were mates. He was a beast of a man, taller than myself and substantially bigger, his body frozen in the prime of his life. He looked to be about thirty in human years and though not as large as Emmett he displayed a rugged toughness that made me surmise he would be formidable in a fight.

Now he looked at my curiously and I saw his question before he asked.

"My eyes are this color because of my diet. I do not feed off humans, only animals."

"We've heard of your kind, rumors from other travelers, the vampires in the north that only live off the blood of animals, but until Nicholas told us of meeting your coven we would not have believed it could be true." Cameron said pleasantly. "You will tell us of your coven and how you manage such a diet. It will make for a very interesting conversation."

I nodded my head, my eyes drifting back to Mary.

"You find my mate desirable?" Cameron appeared amused. I could feel Daniel snicker next to me.

"No…..I….I mean yes but not to me….." I stammered. If I could blush, my face would have been bright red. As it was, I tried to ignore their laughter.

"If Mary has a gift it's her desirability to others, few can resist her charms." He sounded amicable enough, but I couldn't be sure. Had I just been flirting with his mate? I remained quiet keeping my eyes averted trying to curtail my fascination with Mary.

Cameron appeared to understand my stillness as he continued speaking. "We were very excited to hear about your gift especially after Nicholas assured us that you would leave your coven at his invitation. We are very pleased that you have joined us."

"I'm sorry, but I've never spoken to Nicholas." I said dumbfounded. Did they actually think I planned to stay with them? I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling on the ends.

"Isn't that really just semantics?" Cameron's eyes narrowed a bit. "He asked you through his thoughts, did he not?"

I nodded.

"And now you are here just as he said you would be."

I did not dispute what he said thinking it prudent to appear as cooperative as possible. The pull of Mary's spellbinding charisma was making it difficult to focus on little else so I was not really in a position to argue my point in any case.

Perhaps it was wishful thinking on his part, however here you are, and we are delighted to have you." Mary said dismissively. "Now is your chance to meet him, you've already met his lovely mate Gina."

He was as I remembered though his appearance was no longer one of a nomad. He had a fresh change of clothes and shoes on his feet and an overall more civilized exterior. His arm was firmly around Gina's shoulder holding her vibrating body in place next to him, a form of control that was perceptible. There was something else about him that I hadn't noticed during his visit in Forks; a nervous energy, mimicking Gina's but in a less neurotic way. In Forks, he'd been affable and open, his eyes easily meeting Carlisle's, his posture anything but mistrustful. But now amongst his own coven he appeared ill at ease and threatened, as if he expected to be attacked at any moment. His strange behavior validated my own apprehension that something wasn't quite right; I'd been misled in some way.

There were the obvious warning signs; Nicholas' lies about the newborns, his claims that he was from a peaceful nomadic coven, his comments about not having a mate. Initially I'd assumed his lies were insignificant little dalliances from the truth, but now I suspected there was something else simmering under the surface, something unspoken and not eluded to, something sinister that would present itself very soon. Again I had the urge to run. Instead I decided to confront my suspicions head on.

"Hello Nicholas, it's nice to finally meet you." My voice sounded steady in my own ears. I needed to find out the truth without displaying my alarm.

"Edward. I'm glad you choose to join us here." He spoke without looking at me, finding something fascinating to focus on in Gina's hair.

"I have to admit, I'm surprised at the discrepancies that I've seen relevant to your conversation with Carlisle."

There were chuckles in the room. I felt movement behind me. I'd forgotten about Daniel. He had moved away from me but I realized I was surrounded. I would not be given an opportunity to run now.

"Yes well, you must understand, I was the lone vampire in the midst of seven, and one of those was very suspicious of southern covens. I had no interest in arousing his wrath by confessing that we were a coven fighting for territory." Nicholas smirked meeting my eyes for the first time. "And as for not having a mate, well it's unusual that one would travel without their mate, so I couldn't confess to having one without revealing my true intentions."

"And what were those intentions? Now that I'm here, surely I can be told of the true motivations behind your vist."

"I would think that would be obvious," Mary spoke up, smiling suggestively at me. _Do you truly not know what Nicholas sought?_

She reminded me of one of the sisters, though there was nothing in her thoughts that I could deem as sexual. Still, she seemed to be implying something in her subtle comments in the same manner that Tanya's sexual innuendos which were never directed at me but always appeared to be said for my benefit.

"No I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"You, young Edward. Nicholas was looking for you." She smiled pleasantly at me and I heard Gina giggle, but a quick check of her thoughts saw her shrouded in thousands of butterflies of all colors and varieties, tickling her as they attached their little legs to her skin and tried to lift her up; it had nothing to do with me.

"I'm sure I don't understand." And that was true, but I could feel dread growing in my stomach like a malignant tumor; the truth was almost in front of me, almost.

"We've been ravaged, annihilated, our coven is far from the grandeur it was just a year ago," Cameron spoke thoughtfully as he stroked Mary's hair. Our army is down to seven and some of those are no longer newborns, the rest won't be newborn for long. We need to do more than just create new vampires; we need to expand our coven to include some vampires with gifts. Emulating the Volturi seems a reasonable solution to our current quandary. Since gifted vampires are only achieved through luck, we sent Nicholas out to find them. He'd been unsuccessful in his quest until he found your coven. Imagine finding multiple vampires with gifts. Too bad Nicholas couldn't entice them all to join us."

I saw a quick exchange between the two of them but their thoughts were hazy to me. Mary's presence was affecting my ability to read others.

"Nicholas has a gift to find others with special talents." I reminded them. "Why can't you do as the Volturi and just create your own."

"An excellent question, young Edward. But Nicholas' gift has its limitations. Do you know of the one they call Eleazar and how his gift works? He was with the Volturi guard for many centuries."

"Yes I know of him," I said warily.

Eleazar can detect potential gifts in humans as well as vampires. Nicholas can only detect gifts in vampires. Useful, but you understand there is a significant difference."

I nodded, glancing at Nicholas who was mumbling in Gina's ear as she sang softly to herself. I politely did not listen.

"Nicholas, perhaps you should explain to Edward his purpose here." I could feel Mary's intense gaze. She was willing me to look at her, but I found I could resist if I focused hard enough.

"What I said about traveling through North American for almost a year was true, and it was also true that I was on my final leg of my trip. Meeting you and your family played no part in the timeline of my journey." Nicholas spoke deliberately and without emotion. "But I was not truthful when I said that we were not a fighting coven. We've dominated this region for years. No one would challenge us, we didn't even have to fight, our reputation did the job for us. The Volturi left us alone because we were discreet, our methods of controlling the newborns contributed to our discretion. But another coven tired of the endless battles in and around Mexico City encroached on our territory. Initially they hoped to co-exist with us, but as you may know, with that many vampires in such a small area a confrontation was inevitable.

I shrugged. My only experience with the tensions of war involved wolves not other vampires.

We underestimated their strength. Their newborns were well trained and easily controlled by their master." He threw a pointed look at Daniel. "We lost most of our young army of newborns and two of our coven mates."

"Nicholas was sent out to bring us back gifted vampires. Up until now, he'd failed miserably." Cameron continued. It was apparent that no love was lost between the two of them by the look that was exchanged. "But now you are here Edward just as he promised so his obligation to us is fulfilled."

"What obligation is that?" As I said it, I could see one word pop up in Nicholas's mind. _Freedom._

"Nicholas has decided that he no longer wants to remain with us. But as you can understand Edward, we are in a very precarious situation already, we could not just let him go, so I advised him that if he could replace himself, I would let him take Gina and leave us as much as it pains me to do so.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not here to join your coven." I could see no way to broach the subject without being completely straightforward. Once I said my piece I would know better what next faced me. "I came here at Nicholas' invitation. As you surmised I needed a change, my family needed a break and traveling to visit another coven seemed like a reasonable option. I'm sorry if my presence here has been misunderstood."

The vampires around me remained very still. There was no noticeable reaction to my words so I continued.

"This is strictly a visit, and unfortunately, now that I understand the circumstances, I cannot stay. I will not fight for territory that is being secured to kill humans."

"Edward, we understand your special diet and would not think of asking you to change it. You will find enough wildlife in this area to keep you sustained or if not, you can eat the human's dogs, the beasts are quite a nuisance, but we must insist you stay. Your gift is exceptional, hardly commonplace. You will give us a significant advantage against our enemies." Mary's voice was still agreeable, she was pinning her mesmerizing eyes on mine and I struggled against their draw. She had the unique ability to dazzle me in much the same way that Bella claimed I dazzled her.

Nicholas looked at me then at Gina who was playing with his pony tail then back at me again. "There really is no other option. I'm leaving. Gina and I are leaving. This atmosphere isn't healthy for her. I'm not sure if you noticed but she's not well. I need to get her out of here." _I'm sorry Edward. _

I nodded. What did that have to do with anything? They should leave, the girl was clearly mentally ill.

Nicholas had an obligation to us," Cameron said austerely. "To abandon a coven in the midst of a battle is unforgivable, but he has atoned for it with his delivery of you."

"What is wrong with her?" I choose to ignore the implication that I was being traded for Nicholas' freedom.

"She's had some difficulties with this existence, she's never been strong. I believe she's reverted to memories of a human life, she seems disconnected from this one. She needs a life like the coven you came from." _One that doesn't involve violence and the erratic nature of newborns. _ "I need to get her out of here." Nicholas met my gaze for the second time, his eyes were pleading with me to understand.

"I'm not staying." My hand slid into my pocket and I fingered my phone. "I'm sorry about Gina, but you brought me here under false pretenses. I would never have agreed to come if I had known what you were."

Cameron's eyes shifted to Daniel, I heard him move closer to me." I struggled to remain nonthreatening, but every instinct screamed at me to fight or run.

"I was afraid you might feel this way, "Cameron said slowly. "Let me explain the situation thoroughly for you. We are keeping you. How difficult you make it is entirely up to you but in the end it won't matter. We are all quite amiable if you would just give us a chance…..well except for the newborns." He mocked. "Nicholas has provided us with important details. We understand that you are very close to your other coven, the _Cullen_ coven isn't it?" _They shouldn't be too hard to track down if you remain uncooperative._

Panic shot through my veins making me ultra sensitive to the sentiments in the room. I forced myself to remain rooted in one spot. _My family_! He was suggesting he would hurt my family. Could he? Of course he could. Yes it was true, they would be moving to Duluth in a month, but how hard would it be to locate them? Carlisle had gone by his given name since he first started practicing medicine. He was never theoretically suppose to be the same Dr. Carlisle Cullen but rather a descendent from a long line of Cullen progeny who dedicated their life to helping others. He would be easy to find and finding him would mean finding the rest. I thought of Esme, how she was often alone at night with Carlisle at the hospital and my siblings out hunting. She would be defenseless. My fingers slipped out of my pocket.

"I can see by your expression that you understand, Edward." Mary said cordially, like her mate had just suggested paying a social call to the coven I left behind. "Believe me, we don't want to harm your former coven but we did promise Nicholas his freedom and we can't go back on our word so you must stay with us." _At least for a while_.

My _former_ coven. Is that what they were now? Had I finally, however inadvertently made a permanent break from my family? "I'm not sure….what would you need me for? How could I make a difference to you? How can I help you?"

I didn't recognize my voice. It sounded lackluster and distant. I felt an ache in my chest, a pain not unlike the pain I felt when I thought of Bella. But I wasn't thinking of Bella now, she was with me wherever I went; the rest of my family was not.

"I think you underestimate your value. It was rather a waste of your talent to live as you did. I'm surprised the Volturi haven't tracked you down. They seldom let the truly gifted slip by unnoticed." Cameron had nodded in the direction of Daniel but I didn't have the cognizance to monitor their thoughts too stunned was I at my own apparent fate.

"They know of me. I turned down their invitation to join them." I knew I was speaking, I felt my lips moving, but I could not generate the interest to respond further. This was how it was going to be then. With everything that Jasper had done to escape his nightmarish southern coven, I had walked right into the same situation, knowing full well what to anticipate. The stupidity of it was beyond even my comprehension.

Mary giggled, a sound that did not fit with my vision of her noble appeal. "Well how fortunate for us. We are truly blessed to have you."

She cocked her head. "I hear the others coming, Daniel. Did you instruct them to bring enough for all of us?"

"I thought Nicholas and Gina would be gone by now," Daniel said defensively. "They will have to wait." _And the animal feeder won't need to eat._

"We aren't staying," Nicholas had his arm firmly around Gina who was thinking about how the cracks in the walls were growing. Soon she would be able to crawl through them and she wouldn't need to use the door anymore. She pondered how Nicholas would fit since he didn't have the ability to shrink down to the size of a bug.

_Edward, I'm so sorry about this, but I had no choice. My mate is ill, she won't survive in this coven. They would have killed her long ago except for her gift. The only way they would let me take her is if I brought someone back to replace us. _

I looked dubiously at Nicholas. I didn't try to be discreet. His need for penance was obvious in his expression. Gina had a gift. I didn't wonder what it was. I didn't care.

_Your mate is dead. You have nothing else, no reason to stay with them. It's why I knew you would come. You need something to occupy your time. You could add value to this coven, they could use you and they won't mind your idiosyncrasies as your other coven did. _

He wanted me to acknowledge his comments in some way and sighed when I continued to just stare at him. I could hear the chaotic thoughts of approaching vampires, could smell them and was that humans with them? This got my full attention.

"Perhaps you should go Nicholas. Edward understands don't you Edward?" Cameron seemed unconcerned with the content of our private exchange.

"Of course." The hollowness of my voice echoed in my head.

_You would have done the same Edward, for your mate. You would have done anything. _

Yes perhaps I would have, if I had been given a chance.

_I could tell your family where you are; surely they would come for you._

I saw the horror in my face through his eyes and his thoughts abruptly shifted gears.

_Perhaps not a wise idea, but somehow I could find a way to warn them to be on guard just in case your time here doesn't go well. _

I closed my eyes and nodded inconspicuously. This seemed to appease his guilt ever so slightly. The rest of his thoughts were fragmented.

_Good luck then...I'm very sorry…watch out for Daniel._

"Bye Cameron, bye Mary, bye Daniel, bye Edward." Gina said with enthusiasm, grinning at each of us as she said our names. I don't think she was expecting any of us to reply. Without another word, Nicholas floated out the door with Gina at his heels. Several seconds later, I could no longer hear their thoughts. They were gone.

The difference in farewells between this coven and my own did not go unnoticed by me. Nicholas had been telling the truth about one thing. This coven was together out of necessity only. That would take some getting used to, but perhaps it was where I belonged. A dismal existence lacking the love of others, serving malevolent vampires by helping them maintain a lifestyle that was abhorrent to me. Perhaps this was how I could atone for Bella. This was my penance. Not exactly in the spirit of Bella's unselfish gentle soul, but as my punishment it would do nicely.

The posturing in the room changed. I watched the pair before me as their eyes turned from crimson to the blackest of black. I could hear the humans now, whimpering, crying moans, their thoughts a jumbled petrified clutter unable to absorb or process the terror around them. There were screams of pain, prayers to God, cries for mercy and they were getting closer. A new sort of horror was about to take hold of me, as I saw the memories of those around me feeding on humans, the blood, that delicious sweet blood, spurting from the gaping wounds, flowing across their tongue, down their throats…..down my throat…..They fed as did the Volturi. Their meals were delivered.

"I need to leave," I groaned.

One look at me must have confirmed it for an astute Mary. "Leave than, but don't go far. We'll call you when we're done" She was absorbed in the sounds of the approaching petrified humans, the anticipation of feeding overwhelmingly powerful; venom filled my mouth.

I'll have to remember to tell the others to bring back a cow the next time they go hunting" Daniel snickered. He too was envisioning the pulsing blood running over his lips.

I groaned in real pain, and staggered out the door following Nicholas' scent for lack of a better alternative. Escaping the sounds, the smells and the thoughts of the humans dying at the hands of the vampires was not overly difficult, but the memories would be there waiting for me when I returned.

When I was no longer in range of their thoughts, I curled up against a tree in the tropical paradise of Nicholas' visions and hugged my knees to my chest. I was alone now. Carlisle wouldn't be coming to rescue me from this latest little adventure. I would do nothing to jeopardize my family; they were all that mattered to me. I would do as was asked of me. I would be the best I could be at whatever they had planned for me. This perhaps was what I was destined for anyway. Cameron was right; my freakish gift hadn't really been utilized to its full capacity under Carlisle's charge. I hadn't been doing it justice. My mind reading abilities seldom involved life or death situations. That would all change.

Burying my head in my knees, I stroked my hair trying to emulate Esme's fingers but my anxiety remained. I could do this. I'd been a poor excuse for a son…a brother…even a mate, but I could succeed at being this…this nonsensical puppet. I would offer the gift of my mind to be exploited at their whim. I wouldn't make the decisions; perhaps this would ease some of my guilt. My only consolation was knowing that this wouldn't be my life for all of eternity. A time would come when there was nothing left in me to give, when I'd be drained of every last drop of the essence that made good people like Bella or Carlisle or Esme or my brothers and sisters feel that I was worthy of their reflection. And when that time came I would find a way to do what I should have done after Bella's death or if I wanted to be truly morose, decades earlier when I'd proven the monster I was despite Carlisle's vehement denials. It shouldn't be hard; the violence of this new lifestyle would surely leave me some options. An enraged newborn or two should be able to handle the job. I just had to have patience and provide some value to this coven so Cameron and Mary wouldn't feel slighted and seek retribution against my family.

Sometime later a voice spilled into my consciousness. _ Edward? It is safe to come back now._

Safe? What was safe? In the context of living with this coven, safe was missing out on the mass killing of humans.

But I would do as I was told, my new responsibility to my family, would be my obedience to this coven. I had one last thing to do. My fingers slipped into my pocket and I pulled out my cell phone. It was my last link to Carlisle. I could still call him, he would come, I knew he would try and help me because he was a good person and after all of these years, he still felt responsible for me, his biggest disappointment. Despite the overwhelming risk to his life, the flawed creature that I was just might make that phone call when the horror of this little escapade finally sunk in, so I had to take steps now, while I was still strong enough to fight against my defective self-serving genetic makeup. I felt like I was holding my heart in my hand, my last link to the family. But like my heart, I wouldn't need a phone anymore, so after briefly touching the phone to my lips, I crushed it into an unrecognizable lump of metal and plastic and tossed it in the woods.

_Good bye._

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**_Author Notes:_**

**_This chapter was extremely difficult to write. It came across as very disconnected. I'm not sure why but I blame it on the new characters. ;o)_**


	6. Gifted

**_DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended._**

**_WARNING: This chapter contains scenes of graphic violence and suicidal thoughts._**

**_I am not trying to torture Edward, but this journey is very important in understanding where he ends up. There is some subtle little hints in this story that you might find confusing but will make sense down the road. I'm just sayin' ;o)_**

* * *

The tremors started during the third week. Given that a vampire's body can remain completely immobile for an infinite amount of time, the constant twitching of my marble muscles was disconcerting. There was no one incident that triggered them, at least none that I could clearly identify so I attributed them to the constant chilling images and thoughts that oscillated through my mind.

I was left alone for the first few days, so I could "_become accustomed to my new home"_ as Mary politely put it. But with ten vampires within my range of _hearing _on any given day, to say I was alone was a bit of an overstatement. My room or space which aptly described it, might have been a drawing room in years past, but now it was just a bare decrepit crumbling corner of the house. Part of the roof was missing and the large window had no glass in it. Not that it mattered. Most of the exterior wall was a pile of rubble anyway. It was devoid of furniture, pictures, and decorations of any kind; there was no Esme here to add that _homey_ touch and since I brought nothing with me, I had nothing to personalize the interior with.

I spent my hours huddled on the filthy mosaic tiled floor in an undamaged corner of my personal space, trying not to listen to the thoughts of the newborns that were focused entirely on planning their next kill, relishing the memories from their last, or celebrating their latest. They relived each hunt like their centuries old human ancestors, reenacting their kills to the attentive audience of the other young vampires, describing in graphic detail the sadistic nature of the hunt, not just feeding but the terrorizing of their prey beforehand. As they spoke they would remember the delectable flavor of the sweet blood, savor the aroma and texture as it slid over their lips, elaborating on the feeling of the warm body under them twitching as its life force slowly ebbed. I was able to relive every moment through their thoughts and words imagining myself bent over and feeding on the human in every sense, except for the satisfaction of having my thirst completely quelled for even the briefest amount of time.

I hunted only once, steering clear of the city of Morelia , heading into the surrounding foothills surprising a lynx, the only predator in the area. I felt the presence of a newborn and an older vampire I knew as Rachael trailing me, their curiosity clearly evident alleviating my need to turn and defend myself. I heard their snickers as I bent to feed on the thrashing animal, but shuddered with my own need as their bloodlust intensified with the spilling of its blood. Amidst growls and snarls, they quickly left me to find their meal of choice and I heard the muted sounds of their feeding as they found their human victims some miles away. I fought the urge to follow them. It was only later that I felt real fear that I was losing control over my own bloodlust.

Other than the single hunt, I did not leave my room. I spent much of my time playing my imaginary piano; the keys vividly clear in my mind. I embraced each composition, each note, each melody and the uniqueness of each piece was an achingly familiar memory carried with me of my other life. I played Bach, Mozart, Chopin, Brahms, my fingers flying over the keys, the notes soothing in their familiarity. But I didn't play Bella's Lullaby or Esme's song, the intimacy of those compositions was too painful for me.

I did think of Bella. She was always asleep so she would be oblivious to the horrors surrounding us. Curled in my arms, her warm body, sweet scent and amusing sleep talk distracting me from the ghastly thoughts of those around me. I did not think of my family, the shame too great, my betrayal overwhelming in light of their never ending patience with me. I was not worthy of their consideration and kindness, proving myself again and again to be a failure to them, to the values that they worked so hard to protect, even to their humanness which I only appreciated now as I was surrounded by monsters. I was no longer allowed to consider myself their equal, their peer, their son or brother. I was nothing to them even as they remained everything to me.

Eventually my self-imposed exile was brought to an end and Cameron had me subtly sit with him, reading the minds of the newborns that Daniel brought forth individually, as if I was incapable of focusing on only one mind at a time. They were fearful of the individual attention, recognizing the safety in numbers. But lessons in the art of fighting, private time with Mary and gawking at the peculiar newcomer from the north, were all used as excuses to separate them from the rest so I could concentrate only on their thoughts. They were little more than animals, having lost most of the memories of their human life. They certainly remembered no specifics and what they did retain was just a shallow memory of a place, a sensation, an emotion of a life they no longer recognized.

The education they received was not of the arts or sciences; they were not afforded the luxury of an extensive library or the insights of a scholarly mind. They were given no stimulation, no opportunity to exercise their considerably enhanced mental abilities. The emphasis was on how they could fight, defend and protect their coven. And the thirst, the thirst was always there. Their bloodlust occupied most of their thoughts, to the point of madness for some. They had nothing to distract them, every minute of every hour of every day they would be thinking about their next meal, the sweetness, the warmth, the way the salty blood flowed across their tongue and slide down their throat. These images would bombard my senses. I could feel their need as if it were my own, venom would fill my mouth, my muscles would coil and my nostrils would flair looking for the scent of the human from their memories. I would relive every kill as they thought about it and it was all they thought about. Cameron appeared amused by my predicament, urging me to join them on a hunt, a real hunt as he liked to call it. But if I could do nothing else for Carlisle, at least I could give him my loyalty, upholding his ideals in this horrendous set of circumstances and if I suffered, all the better.

The newborns held little animosity for their coven leaders. They were not capable of planning an overthrow or organizing an effective attack. They could barely keep from killing each other. It was only when their food supply was cut off as form of punishment that they were truly dangerous and even then the method of administering that punishment was spotty at best. The only thing that could restrain a vampire was another vampire and newborns with their superior strength were almost impossible to physically control. Besides death which wasn't really a punishment but the final solution, banishment from the coven seemed the only deterrent in keeping the newborns in line and under the control of Daniel and to a lesser extent, Cameron and Mary. They would not be able to survive on their own, not in this territory. A lone vampire represented a threat. Viewed as a spy he would quickly be destroyed by neighboring covens. In the young newborns, I saw nothing in their thoughts that alluded to a betrayal. Their needs were of the most basic; they were not raised with love, compassion or kindness, so their expectations from their master were not exceedingly high.

The older ones, however, presented another kind of challenge to the coven's security. There were only three, their comrades having fallen in battle the previous year. All harbored secret longings for more than this coven life offered them. They were seasoned veterans in battle, lucky to have survived; each possessing superior skills as warriors that had served them well and kept them alive. Their bloodlust though marginally better than their newborn coven mates, was still decidedly weak. Any human in their scent radius stood the potential for falling under their teeth. If they had fed sufficiently, they were capable of delivering live humans to their masters. Cameron and Mary in their ongoing efforts to emulate the Volturi had attempted to institute the ritual within their own coven with some success. Sometimes the humans made it back alive and sometimes they didn't. Not a hardship as both Cameron and Mary could hunt for themselves. The newborns and the young ones fed every few days or when the opportunity presented itself. Daniel usually accompanied them. Cameron and Mary were more in control of their thirst, decades old or in Mary's case, centuries old, yet they fed often, much more so then were necessary. The abundant food supply afforded them luxuries that most nomadic vampires in the north couldn't fathom.

Jasper had once calculated that thousands of humans died a year at the hands of covens in the southern regions. During Jasper's time, the rural and often violent nature of the country let most of those deaths go unnoticed or undocumented. As years went by and the reaches of the media expanded, especially in the Western Hemisphere these deaths and disappearances were explained away as drug related hits. The Mexican authorities apparently didn't find it odd that entire families, men, women and children were being wiped out, their bodies seldom found, but the brutality of their deaths evidenced by the large deposits of blood found at the scene, a sign of messy kills by newborns. The southern territories were a vampire's feeding paradise.

During my second week, Daniel and the four newborns left the coven for what Cameron called a scouting mission. I knew he was hiding something but I couldn't read the true nature of their absence in his thoughts. My apprehension increased, fearing they might seek out my family, if not to hurt them then to perhaps kidnap Alice or even Jasper, having garnered enough information from Nicholas to understand the value of their gifts. Whenever rational thought attempted to alleviate my paranoia reminding me that newborns would not be disciplined enough to undertake such a complicated mission and were incapable of following Daniel half way across the continent without leaving a path of human devastation that would not go unnoticed; I would somehow manage to convince myself otherwise and I spent the better portion of the time they were away, fretting over the fate of my family.

The one consolation was five less minds I had to listen too. It was during this time that I acquainted myself with the three young vampires left behind. Rachael,a rapacious female who delighted in the sadistic nature of her kills and reminded me vaguely of Rosalie with her preening and primping in front of a broken dirtied mirror that still had fragments big enough for her to view herself in. Roberto, the most cerebral of the bunch, held onto some human memories and actively sought to distract himself from his bloodlust with games of chess or entries in a journal. He was older in human years than me, but his naivety and lack of education made him appear much younger. He was just over a year old in vampire years, and though his thoughts, I could see that he understood his existence to be perilously close to ending.

He would visit me in my room, asking about life in the North and my former coven. I found it difficult to talk about the latter and instead unexpectedly found myself talking about Bella. Breathing life into her memories for someone else made her feel closer to me and when he realized she was human, his eyes widened in shock and he viewed me not with contempt, but a new found respect. It fascinated him that I was able to resist her blood. He had no knowledge of what a _la tua cantante_ was, so he had no idea how much her blood really affected me, but given his upbringing, his own thirst for human blood, any human blood, he had a reasonably means of comparison. I told Cameron of his thoughts, his fears that he would be destroyed as he'd suspected others of his kind and age had been. Not at the hands of the enemy, but by Daniel with Mary's assistance. She would use her charms to entice the older ones in, while Daniel slid behind them, twisting their heads from their bodies as they, oblivious to the danger, bathed themselves in Mary's alluring gaze.

Cameron only chuckled. "Amazing how needy they are. Even when they know their fate they don't runaway. How much simpler it would be if they did."

"Aren't you worried that they will join the enemy covens?" I asked surprised that my news didn't propagate more worry in him.

"Edward...Edward…so much to learn." He'd chided as if I were a child. "What coven is going to want a vampire with no skills, no education, and no newborn strength? Not to mention, the fear that he may not be what he appears. They don't have a mind reader to tell them otherwise, not like we do."

I shrugged. I felt like a prized pet to them. They valued me, slathered me with compliments, even tried to accommodate my need to be alone. But it sickened me, their fawning and reverence towards my gift. I was nothing more than a slave forced to conform to their predilections; secretly repulsed by them and their invidious habits.

Michael, the third one, had a scheming mind. Despite efforts to distract him, he obsessed with my abilities. He did not have the skill to control the myriad of images that would pass through his vampire brain at any given time, so I could pick out bits and pieces of his thoughts; his hatred for his coven leaders was powerful. I refrained from verbalizing his desire to destroy Daniel even though the specifics of his thoughts left little in the way of misinterpreting them. It wasn't that I felt any moral obligation to him; his death which would quickly follow once his traitorous intentions were known did not weigh heavily on my conscious. He was as much a monster as any of the rest of them. It didn't matter that he wanted to kill those that had taken my freedom away and held my family hostage with their threats of violence should I run. I had only one reason to protect his thoughts and hide his treachery.

His fear of my abilities was very real, but his understanding of them was suspect. He assumed that I couldn't read him unless I was near him, focusing on him, so he often forgot that I was listening as he made his way around the hacienda or sat in a tree on guard duty a couple of miles away. It was during those unguarded moments that he would plan my death, down to the very last detail. He was unimaginative in his attack, elementary in his plan to creep up behind me, spring on my unprotected back and deliver a fatal bite to my neck. He would elicit the newborns help by feeding into their natural suspicion of me as the newcomer, the one that could read their thoughts, and reveal their secrets to Daniel, Cameron, and even their precious Mary, who was lusted after by the newborn males.

Then when I'd been destroyed, my body turned to ash in the fire managed by the newborns, he would blame them, hold them responsible for my killing, thus eliminating me without implicating himself. Once I was gone he could continue anew his mission to take over the coven. The plan itself was full of holes, not withstanding that it was highly unlikely that he could ever sneak up on me, but his line of reasoning gave me hope. He could be my way out of here yet. He was willing; I would just have to give him a means. I did not want to interfere with his computations by raising the ire of Cameron and Mary. Michael offered me freedom; I just needed to give him time to put his plan in action.

It was during the third week, right after I noticed my muscles twitching not of my own volition, that I heard Daniel and the newborns off in the distance making their way back to the coven. I'd been sitting with Mary at her request on the nearly completely crumbled rock wall at the edge of the property facing north, watching the sun slip beneath the trees. She listened with rapt delight as I described in my newly acquired monotone voice, hollow and without emotion, the thoughts of those that were some distance away; my abilities to decipher their ramblings astounding her even though she understood the power of my gift.

"Edward, you understand how much we truly value you, don't you?" As she spoke she touched my back, her fingers rubbing little circles as she felt the trembling of my flesh. She'd started touching me a few days earlier, indiscreet little acts of placing a hand on my arm or taking my hand when she wanted me to follow her. At first I pulled away, but when I saw that this displeased her, I allowed it. I would not jeopardize my loved ones by irritating the ones I was forced to serve. Her touches became more frequent, a hand on my back or leaning over me she'd press her chin on my shoulder or wrap an arm around my waist and all of it I tolerated. But when she tried to slide her fingers through my hair, I jerked away growling at her, bringing forth a snarl of rage from Cameron who sprang at me in defense of his mate. Free of her fingers, all aggression subsided and we'd resumed the normal course of our conversation as Cameron looked on tense but otherwise under control. She hadn't attempted to touch my hair again and resumed the other gestures of what I could only perceive as affection that I would tolerate without questioning my curiously inappropriate behavior to a seemingly innocent gesture.

I felt no need to explain myself, flabbergasted by my misplaced sense of loyalty to memories and the people in them that I'd so readily betrayed in the past. My hair…my head belonged to those that were no longer with me. The soft patient fingers of Bella, stroking my longish locks as we spent hours in our meadow, our special place that held so many bittersweet memories of my times with her. Esme who for the better part of nine decades would run her fingers through my hair as I sat at my piano, urging me to play her favorite songs or compose new ones and in more recent memories, the tireless stroking to ease my sorrow as I mourned Bella. My pixy of a sister who would tug my hair to get my attention or pull on it teasing me out of one of my foul moods and even Rosalie, her final act of kindness as she comforted me as a mother would a child, pressing me to her body her fingers gently stroking away my sobs. I would not cheapen these recollections by having the fingers of a woman driven by power and greed crawl through my hair, replicating the motion but without the emotion that had accompanied those before her.

But her fingers pressing against my back were tolerable, and I felt the excitement build in her as I recited the thoughts of the others, even drawing a chuckle from her as I explained seeing the sorry state of Daniel's clothing through the eyes of one of the newborns.

"He's carrying something too….a package maybe." I kept my monologue of senseless chatter going, hoping it would endear me to her enough so that she might allow me slip away before they arrived.

Her fingers stopped rubbing my back for a moment, then started up again. "It's something for Cameron. A little treasure. He likes to collect them."

I could see nothing in her thoughts; a treasure? There was nothing of value left in the hacienda; vandalism, theft and the destructive nature of newborns had seen to that.

"It seems pretty big for a little treasure. What is it?" Showing interest was a good thing and it was polite to ask.

"You'll find out in good time darling, it's quite….hmmm…..unique."

As my narration of their approach continued, I was cognizant of the flickering of thoughts that weren't tied to the five approaching vampires. I could not make them out clearly, they faded in and out, seemed confused and unfocused, but definitely a sixth mind.

"I think they're being followed." I interrupted my unimportant prattle, my voice growing serious. I hadn't felt I'd added any real value to the coven yet; my presence here not really justifiable given the expectations, so I took the opportunity to emphasize my concerns for the safety of my coven mates as indifferent as I might feel about it.

"Followed you say?" Cameron appeared at Mary's side. Sliding his hand in hers, looking towards the North his eyes adjusting to the fading light, as he tried to see what I could hear.

"Yes, another set of thoughts, they don't belong to any of _us._" I emphasized the word us and felt the pressure of Mary's fingers against my back increase. This pleased her.

I jumped as a shrill whistle emanated from between Cameron's lips. Seconds later, Rachael and Roberto had joined us. Called like dogs, I concluded.

"Go meet Daniel. Edward thinks he is being followed."

_By one you say?_ He turned back to me an eye brow raised. I nodded. I could hear the inexplicable thoughts of only a single mind.

"There should be only one. If you find him, bring him back _alive_." He emphasized the last word. "Rachael?"

She sighed and looked at everyone but him. "Yes master, alive. I won't mess up this time."

In her thoughts I saw her take down a fleeing vampire, her teeth shredding his neck as others joined her, forgetting their instructions, tearing him to pieces; an irate Daniel cursing as he came upon the smoldering fire.

As they ran to meet up with Daniel, Cameron sniffed the air searching for the notably absent Michael. I could not hear him and assumed he was deliberately avoiding his master. I could only hope his disobedience would not cost him the opportunity to execute his plan against me.

We heard no confrontation as the group of vampires eventually joined by Rachael and Roberto, made their way back to us. I could still hear erratic thoughts of a stranger. I sensed his fear, his confusion, but nothing coherent, nothing to tell me who or where he was. I tried to see through his eyes so I could gauge his location to the group, but I only saw blackness. I felt uneasy as we saw them, unalarmed, unconcerned with my warnings of another. From the newborns who should have been in a frenzy with the additional knowledge that they were being followed, their thoughts were of my perceived failure, my gift that was not without its flaws, I was not error free. There was nothing in Daniel's thoughts but the poems of George Herbert, though he appeared more amused than alarmed by my warning.

My eyes flickered past them, to the surrounding shadows, wondering where the owner of the mysterious thoughts hid. I could not smell him specifically, but there was an odd scent, a suggestion of the presence of a vampire without allowing me to pick up the unique odor that would be distinctly different from all the others. Feeling Mary's gaze I glanced at her and found her studying me thoughtfully.

"I'm not wrong about this… I'm not wrong. He's out there." I said defensively.

"It's alright Edward. We'll find him." Her fingers continued to trace circles on my back. I felt the tremors intensify.

"Were you successful in your quest?" Cameron waved the other vampires away as he spoke to Daniel.

I noticed he was no longer carrying the package with him. Rachael had it and she and the others ran south towards the town; judging from their enthusiasm and remembrances of feeding, they planned to hunt.

Daniel looked distracted, he was listening to Cameron but his thoughts weren't processing the question. He was still trying to hide something from me. "Perhaps we should talk privately."

"Yes of course. Mary stay with Edward, whilst Daniel and I take a walk." He glanced at me and smiled. "Don't worry young friend, you already know more than I would ever willingly share with such a recent acquaintance."

Did I care that I was being excluded? I didn't think so, but I was glad he thought I did. My eyes drifted towards the trees again. The thoughts of the _other _were gone.

Michael's failure to respond to Cameron's whistle did not go unpunished. I was summoned to the courtyard the following day amidst the musings of all the vampires of the coven.

_What happened…why are we here...so thirsty… I only had one everyone else had two… I need to feed…mind reader was wrong… master says we are making more vampires… is he in trouble…sediento…sediento...kill him he's to blame for this…it's all the stranger's fault…_

I could read nothing in the thoughts of Cameron or Mary that implied I was under suspicion for my alleged misinformation about a mysterious sixth vampire, but the unusual congregation of unpredictable vampires in such close quarters was unnerving.

"So Michael, perhaps you could enlightened us on your absence yesterday," Cameron said severely. The young vampire was in the middle of the group towards the front, an orchestrated position. I'd taken up a spot off to the side of Mary, not in anyone's direct line of sight, but visible if their eyes strayed to me.

"I didn't hear you." His voice was muted, still defiant. _It's that mind reader's fault, all his fault. I should kill him now._

Please kill me.

"Ahhh… of course not. You never hear me do you? How can we change that Michael? Do you even want to be part of this coven? Your value here is diminishing with each passing day." Cameron spoke cordially enough but he did not try to hide his irritation.

"You bring me here to reprimand me, yet you do nothing when the mind reader fails you. They weren't being followed. It was a trick. He was testing you to see if he could get the others to leave you unguarded so he could kill you." Michael spat his fists clenching at his sides.

Perhaps I underestimated him. His logic behind the perceived failure of my abilities sounded viable.

"And yet you did not come when you were summoned, so even if you speak the truth, we couldn't count on you to help us," Mary reminded him gently. Her tone of speech was different than Cameron's. She acted as the young ones' confidant, the understanding matriarch. It was why she could entice the newborns to join her alone when they knew such a request often had deadly consequences.

I could hear Michael's venomous thoughts, his burning need to spring at his master almost trumping his need to feed. His control surprised me. Perhaps he was capable of bringing on my demise and turning the blame on others as he planned. He would need to be careful though, he'd aroused suspicions and now he could not be trusted.

"Edward."

I jumped slightly. The snickers of the other vampires suggesting my surprise at my summons did not go unnoticed.

"Please tell us what Michael is thinking. I fear that he isn't being entirely truthful." Cameron smiled enjoying Michael's reaction. For the first time he looked nervous and irresolute. He looked at me uncertainly. I would not have had to see his thoughts to recognize the pure hatred burning from his red eyes. I was aware that my gift had been called out in front of the entire coven. I would not be a friend to my coven mates after this. Perhaps fueling the animosity the newborns held for me was part of Cameron's plan to control me.

This was it then. My first big test would be deciding the fate of another. Perhaps not the enemy in the traditional sense, but still someone that meant to do the coven leader harm. But he was also my savior, the one that could and would remove me from this hell, and he would do it with pleasure, without any prodding or manipulating from me. I would not have to trick him into killing me.

I closed my eyes; my skills always seemed more legitimate when I resorted to this human facade of concentration; delving deep into the mind of a specific subject. It had elicited giggles from my siblings when I teased the unsuspecting, newly acquainted Peter and Charlotte with my parlor tricks. I thought it would also enthrall my new audience and it did; they all held remarkably still, anticipating my response. I waited several seconds, allowing for the building of tensions before opening my eyes again, staring right at Michael.

"I see nothing in his thoughts that speak of a betrayal." The lie came easily enough but if I'd said it to Carlisle he would have heard it immediately. I trusted that my new master and mistress wouldn't know the cadences of my voice well enough to pick out my deception.

The look on Michael's face was one of relief, then suspicion and finally comprehension. He believed that my gift was a myth. In his thoughts, I could see his desire to contradict me, to confess to the truth, reveal his intentions thus exposing my gift as a fake. Would he be that stupid? I waited, watching his face, willing him to keep himself under control. I was saving his life by not revealing his murderous intentions. It worked in my favor that he would think I was a farce. He would not feel the need to refrain from killing me as a repayment for my silence. He just had to keep quiet.

Cameron looked disappointed. I could tell he'd been hoping for this opportunity to showcase my talents to the entire coven. He wavered in his response, not prepared for my answer, no alternative in place. He believed in Michael's treachery even without my conformation. I sighed at his thoughts. I was too caught up in the moment to understand how I'd put myself in peril. I didn't recognize it for several seconds until I saw Daniel snake his arms around Michael's, locking him in place.

"What are you doing? Michael growled. He did not struggle free of Daniel's arms; another sign of his control. Instinctually he should have reacted wildly. Instead he pulled in protest, but seemed submissive in all other respects.

"I think we should test Edward's skills as a mind reader." I felt Cameron's eyes on me, then Mary's. His gaze I could avoid, but I was immediately drawn into hers. They knew I was lying.

"Rico. Come do the honors." Daniel spoke to one of the newborns.

The youngest in human and vampire years stepped forward. I knew him only for his intense thirst. It was all he thought about. But now he had something else on his mind. Something he'd been prepared to do regardless of what I found in Michael's thoughts.

Daniel released one of his arms and Rico immediately seized it.

_No…no…no…no…"_No….no…no…no." Michael's voice first in his thoughts exited through his lips in one long wail. "You heard the mind reader, I would never betray you. You heard him….." He blubbered. All of his previous bravado evaporated.

"Sometimes Edward doesn't see the picture clearly. It's not his fault. He's not use to the conniving minds of warriors." Cameron conceded. "You are a warrior aren't you Michael, a protector of this coven?"

"Yes…yes….of course I am. Please….." His pleas were interrupted by a ghastly scream that came from the same orifice. The sound of an arm being torn from its socket was not as disturbing as the noise generated from the vampire that owned it. In seconds Rico was standing with the arm in his grasp, shaking the twitching hand, his attempts at humor receiving varying degrees of reaction, some looked on in terror where others snickered despite attempts to remain solemn.

I saw the horror on my face, through Cameron's eyes. He watched me closely. This was being done for my benefit. Was it a warning?

"Now Michael let's try this again. Did you hear me call for you today?" Cameron had turned back to Michael who was withering in pain. Daniel held him only by his one remaining arm now, keeping him from moving towards the detached arm, the pull to regenerate was strong, from both body parts.

"Yes." Michael said meekly. He'd dropped his head to his chest. He was not the arrogant young male he'd been just moments ago.

"And why didn't you come?"

"I heard the mind reader's words of an intruder. I was hoping Daniel would be killed."

Amusement, not angry appeared on Daniel's face. He was not offended by the comment.

"Why do you want Daniel to die?"

"So I can replace him as leader of the newborns."

A round of snickers erupted from the young ones at the mere idea of Michael as their leader.

"And once you replace him then what would you do?" Mary still, managed to look charitable.

"I would kill the mind reader." The loathing in his voice suggested he would like nothing better.

There was hope for me yet. But I faced a new worry. Would they know that I'd seen these thoughts? Would I be able to lie my way out of it?

"Why would you kill Edward?"

"He can't read minds. He's a liar. If he could, he would have seen all of this." The accusations were damaging, but I couldn't imagine how Michael thought they would help him.

"I see. Yes we will have to do something about Edward. Though you are wrong, he can read minds. We just have to show him that honestly is always the best option, despite what he will witness today." Mary seemed thoughtful.

I felt disengaged from the conversation. Would they remove one of my arms too? I knew how painful it was. But it wasn't as painful as Jane's special torture. I'd survived that without making a sound. It was just another part of my punishment. I was reasonably sure it wouldn't be the last. As long as they focused only on me. I had to keep their focus on me.

"Rachael, please help Michael with his arm." Cameron nodded to the lone female amongst the youngsters. Too my surprise, Rachael made no attempt to retrieve the arm from Rico. Instead Daniel readjusted his grip around Michael's waist and before even he was aware of it, Rachael had grabbed his forearm arm twisting and jerking it, tearing the other limb off just above his elbow.

A new wave of shrieks emanated from Michaels lips, but he was no longer reacting to just the pain. He understood now that he would be given no second chance. And I understood what Mary meant about honestly. Despite answering the questions truthfully, he was still going to be destroyed. I turned to leave.

"Edward stop." Cameron's voice was firm, implacable. We're not done with you yet. You will stay and witness. It will be interesting to have someone with your gift here to observe this with us. You can hear everything that he thinks as he dies. I'd like you to concentrate so you can chronicle it for me later."

I did not turn around, and wasn't asked too. This was to be my punishment. My act of witnessing would be just as Cameron alluded too. Seeing Michael's thoughts and if I liked, viewing his dismemberment and decapitation through the eyes of those that were committing the atrocities. I'd been fortunate in my other experiences with vampire deaths. With James, I was too focused on Bella to hear his thoughts as he was dismembered and burned by my brothers. Victoria had screamed her rage, but again Bella distracted me. I knew she was watching me tear Victoria apart. At the time, all I could think about was how she would finally view me as the monster I was. Little did I know that it was the last imagine of me that I'd left her with as she lay dying on the cliff behind me.

Michael's thoughts left little to the imagination. His verbal screams were cut off by the twisting of his head under Daniel's hands, but they continued long afterward in his mind. He held no more rage, no more petty notions of taking over the young newborns, building his own army, destroying me and the coven leaders that he hated so much. Instead all I felt was his alarm, his terror and the unrelenting pain as the fire licked at his dismembered body. He felt it all, felt it in his headless torso, his detached limbs and when his skull started to burn, he felt that, saw it as he looked at us from a slightly oblique viewpoint, his head lying nestled in the charred remains of his body. He watched us through his eyes as he slowly burned, his vision was surprisingly clear. I could even make out myself, back turned, head down. Only as the acidic smoke bloomed from his smoldering body did his field of vision disintegrate, but his thoughts hung on and as the flames consumed him, he was still aware, screaming silently until finally, mercifully his brain was turned to ash and no more thoughts radiated from the dwindling fire. He was dead.

Being dismembered and burned did not seem like such an appealing way to die, after all.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**I always wondered why SM didn't consider that Edward would be reading the thoughts of the dying vampires around him (James, Victoria, Riley) but then it occurred to me that her stories were from Bella's POV. What was Edward thinking when he witnessed the death of others of his kind or more importantly, what was he hearing.**_

_**Next chapter from Carlisle's POV.**_


	7. Patience

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

* * *

_Carlisle's POV_

I tried to stifle the annoyance I felt over Edward's abrupt departure but when I saw the forlorn look on Esme's face as she came through the door fresh from hunting with her other sons, it burst forth with renewed vigor.

"He's gone?"

"I'm sorry sweetheart; Rosalie said he left a couple of hours ago." I took her in my arms, kissing the top of her head. Edward, for all his sensitivities, could be impervious to the feelings of others. I attributed that to the frozen state of his youth and tried not to fault him too much for it. I was not pleased that he refused to answer his phone, but it would be just like Edward, to do something reprehensible than ignore my attempts to reprimand him for it.

"That boy, he's going to be the death of me yet." Esme wasn't the first mother whose son had disappointed them, but I didn't think it would help to remind her of that now. She extracted herself from my arms and smoothed her messy hair down as best she could. "I suppose it's for the best. He'll be in Denali that much faster. I hope Eleazar can do something with him."

We settled into our morning routine. Every day I brought the newspaper home from the hospital where I had it delivered and read it as Esme pulled the blue prints together and painstakingly went over them one last time before she sent them off to the architect in Minnesota. She was working on Edward's surprise and now that he was out of the house she could think about it clearly and solicit opinions from the others, particularly Alice and Rosalie who'd joined her at the table. Emmett and Jasper settled down to play an elaborate game of online chess with unseen opponents. Advances in technology had opened up a whole new world for us over the last decade. They now had human friends that they regularly conversed and played games with online. I still couldn't wrap my mind around that notion.

The Victorian manor house we were moving to had once been the summer residence of a wealthy shipping tycoon and was excessive and opulent even by our standards. Esme had found the home through a local real estate agent when we determined it was no longer viable for us to remain in Forks. Initially our move was to be the catalyst for Bella's change, but after her death with so many memories, our infrequent run-ins with the wolves and Charlie's suggestion that we leave for the sake of everyone, the date had been pushed up.

The house, located in Silver Bay, fifty miles North of Duluth on Lake Superior, offered us one hundred acres of privacy and access to hunting grounds rich with black bear and white tail deer. We would not need to drive anywhere to feed. Game was plentiful particularly northwest of our new home in the sparsely populated arrowhead region of the state.

One of the unique and eccentric features of the house was an outbuilding that had acted as a carriage house and servant's quarters in the latter half of the nineteenth century. It had been converted to a garage some decades ago but the upper floor over the garage had gone largely unused. When Esme first saw it she anticipated that it would be the perfect home for the newlyweds but as that future would now never come to fruition, she considered turning it into Edward's own private space.

Initially I was skeptical of such a plan and surprised that Esme would want Edward sequestered from the rest of the family given his mental deterioration after Bella's death. But as she explained it, Edward often complained about the constant noise of our thoughts and how he could better block us when he was alone even if we were still within his range of hearing. She concluded that giving him his own space might alleviate his need to run off seeking solitude in the woods as he had in past decades away from civilization and us and the endless chatter that he found impossible to escape from.

I could not argue with my wife, especially not when I saw her enthusiasm for the project. Designing a space for Edward that would be exclusively his, with his books, his piano, his music and hopefully new memories, still near us, but not amongst us, the three perfectly match pairs, an Edwardism that made me wince every time he said it, sounded idyllic for him.

"Does he really need another piano?" Rosalie, injected as Esme described the interior of the room to the girls. I suspected she was annoyed that Edward would be getting the privacy when she felt it was due her and Emmett and on the surface she had a valid argument. But I could understand Esme's logic. As mating couples we weren't always discreet in our couplings, our needs, our lust often responsible for indiscriminate acts of passion regardless of who was within earshot. Edward felt uncomfortable in our presence. Not only could he hear and smell our love, he could read our most intimate thoughts. In Esme's assumption, his need for privacy was much bigger than the rest of us and again, I couldn't disagree with her reasoning.

"No he doesn't need another piano, but I want him to play for me in the house too. Esme appeared amused and pursued the trivial line of questioning. "What do you think, should we put the new one in the house or his space?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Does it matter?" ..

"No I suppose not, my Edward Junior." Esme teased at her insolence.

I tried calling Edward again some hours later, as did Esme and Alice, but he'd obviously decided to forgo any admonishment from us and as far as Alice's visions were concerned, he was on track and expected to make Denali in just under seven hours.

Leaving for the hospital, I touched my wife's cheek reassuringly. "Eleazar is going to call us the moment he gets there. He won't refuse to take our calls in front of them, so no worries love; you'll be able to scold him to your heart's content very soon."

"It's not that Carlisle, I'm just so worried about him. Do you think we can go up and visit him in the next few weeks? I miss him already." Her arms were around me, pulling me tightly to her, wrapping her body around mine. I reluctantly pulled away from her before she enticed me to stay a bit longer.

"Esme, he hasn't even been gone twenty-four hours yet." My teasing drew her ire and she pushed me out the door slapping me on my backside, a punishment I might enjoy exploring further after my shift was over.

It wasn't until Alice's number popped up on my display a couple of hours later, that I noticed I'd missed a call from Edward.

"Carlisle…CARLISLE." Her voice was breathless.

"Alice, what is it?"

"He's not there, Carlisle. He's not going to Denali." Jasper's voice was in the background trying to calm her.

"What are you talking about? Edward? What do you mean?"

"Edward's not in Denali, he's not going to Denali. I see him somewhere else, South, desert, not Denali and he's not answering his phone." Panic, I felt it, both hers and mine.

"Where is Esme, does she know?"

My question was answered by a sniffling sob I could clearly pick up through the phone.

"Carlisle," it was Jasper's voice, calmer. "Do you want us to try and track him?"

"I'm coming home, wait until I get there." I hung up abruptly. What had just happened? Where was Edward? What had he done now?"

Family emergency or no, I still had to get someone to cover my shift so it was a full two hours before I was in my car driving home. Additional calls to Edward went on answered. Eleazar upon hearing of Edward's last minute change of plans offered to come down to Forks, but I wasn't ready for that just yet. It could be that there was a very reasonable, however foolish explanation for Edward's deviation from his original destination. A phone call from him could be forthcoming at any time.

The family was gathered around the dining room table when I walked through the door. I took my place next to Esme and pulled her to me kissing her hands as they wrapped tightly with mine. She tried to smile through her anguish.

"What are we going to do with that boy?" she said in a shaky voice leaning her head against my shoulder.

I didn't think it prudent for me to voice what I'd like to do to him. My irritation over Edward's lack of consideration was testing the limits of even my patience. It would not due to focus on that now. I had to analyze the circumstances of this unexpected divergence to rationally determine if we had something to worry about.

"Alice, anything?" My voice was calm despite my agitation. "Do you have any idea where he may have gone?"

Alice shook her head; she was focusing hard on whatever vague images were flittering through her mind, looking for anything that might offer us an inkling of Edward's current location.

"No, I didn't see anything at all until a few hours ago; just Edward driving to Denali. But I don't think he ever was really going there. I think he was recalling past trips." Her eyes met mine. "He was deliberately blocking me from the moment he made the decision to leave for Denali; otherwise I would have been able to see his true intentions from the start. Why would he do that?"

I sighed, running the fingers of my free hand though my hair, as Esme squeezed the other painfully. "With Edward, who knows? He never wanted to go in the first place. We cannot always assume the worst. It's possible he overreacted to our request and only when he was alone did he rebel against it. That might also explain why you didn't see this coming. His decision to turn around was completely spontaneous."

I looked thoughtfully at Jasper. "Alice if I we tried to track him, would we find him?"

Alice's face went blank and I concentrated on making that decision. His scent would linger, drift with the breezes but it might be trackable; even the Volvo had a distinctive odor.

Her concentration broke. Her face told me everything I needed to know.

"No, Carlisle, we can't track him, other than his general direction which I already know, we'd lose him eventually."

"Where do you see him Alice? Tell me about it." I leaned forward willing her to give me a piece of information I could use.

"It's a desert, red rock, cactus, single lane highway, nothing specific. The sun is just starting to rise."

"Where is the sun as it pertains to Edward?" I needed more.

She scrunched up her forehead and thought a moment. "It's on his left, he's heading south."

"Phoenix?" Jasper said softly. The pained look on his face suggested he was recalling his last trip to Phoenix more than a year ago.

"I don't know. There is no city; I don't see anything but the road." Alice frowned a bit.

"But he could be headed towards Phoenix," I replied hopefully though I couldn't fathom why Edward would want to revisit that particularly memory.

"Yes, I suppose. But Carlisle, I really don't think so." Alice was still searching the random images. I could almost see her mind filtering through those that she could use and those that she could not. It was more difficult to decipher them without Edward here to explain what she actually saw. Alice's attention was diverted. She was less focused on transcribing her visions to the rest of us.

Esme had released my hand and was pressing her fingers to her lips. I could tell she had something to say, but was afraid to verbalize it, lest she be correct.

"What is it sweetheart?" I nuzzled her face with my nose, my arm sliding over her shoulders. Had Edward alluded to something in her confidence, something that she had dismissed as irrelevant?

"I have an idea," she said softly. "But it doesn't make any sense."

"When has Edward ever made any sense?" Rosalie's apathetic response brought a admonishing look of disapproval from me. She had no patience for another Edward crisis. But I had to admit, she was right. Edward could be capricious at times.

"Didn't Nicholas say he was from the South." Esme's voice was so soft, I barely heard it, but every head in the room snapped up to look at her.

"Why would Edward follow him?" Alice's voice came out as a squeak. She was searching her visions again, staring at her clenched hands.

"Why does Edward do anything?"

"Rosalie, please." I rubbed my fingers through my hair. Could Esme have touched on something? It made sense, sort of. Nicholas mysteriously appears, leaves just as quickly and just hours later, Edward decides to take us up on our pleas and agrees to go to Denali. But now he's not in Denali. "Alice can you see Edward with Nicholas?"

I'm searching for it now. I see imagines of Nicholas, but Edward's not with him. There's a girl, a black haired girl, but not Edward."

"Carlisle, he said he was going home to his coven…..in _Mexico City_." Jasper emphasized the last words. His face was drawn. He was recalling his own memories.

"I must be wrong. Edward wouldn't go there. He knows from Jasper's thoughts…" Esme's voice trailed off. She had the same distant look on her face as Alice, but her imagination was breathing life into her images and they were much more alarming than Alice's glimpses of the future.

"We don't know that this has anything to do with Nicholas," I said firmly. I didn't need Jasper's gift to feel the notable downward spiral of emotions in the room. "We can't focus on one thing and assume we are correct or we'll miss something."

"We have to consider it, Carlisle." Jasper stood and paced around the table. He was tense uneasy, I could not see what he endured but I'd heard about it many times over the years. Jasper's past life was unfathomable to me. The horror of it depressed me; validated so many things that Edward believed we were; soulless monsters, demons, the devil's spawn. Edward had seen it, seen the memories, begged Jasper on occasion to think about something else so he could escape them. Edward wouldn't venture anywhere near the southern covens, he wouldn't, he couldn't. Not knowing what he did about them. It was ridiculous to even consider it.

"You know Edward. Maybe he saw something in Nicholas' thoughts; some big adventure that he didn't want to share with me." Emmett's slight smile, showed that he was only half serious.

Still, the _why_ might be as simple as that. Edward needed a distraction.

"Nicholas was hiding something. I've never heard of a coven living in the south that doesn't fight….doesn't have to fight. It's absurd to think that there would be anything that Nicholas could offer that would make Edward follow him." Jasper's distrust of the nomadic vampire wasn't a secret.

"Edward would know that. He would be able to see if Nicholas was being truthful." Of course there was always the possibility that Edward wasn't listening, too engrossed in a Bella memory. I paused, pondering my next words my eyes riveted on my fingers tightly intertwined with Esme's. "Given that Alice see's Edward heading south and he left the same day as Nicholas arrived we have to assume that this has something to do with Nicholas. Perhaps this is just simple curiosity. We need to let Alice's visions play out a little before we decide what to do."

_Edward….Edward. What were you thinking, son. _The anger I was feeling had dissipated._ Please son, be safe and come back to me. _

It was second nature for me to communicate with Edward through my thoughts and I fell into it so randomly I was scarcely aware I was doing it until I looked up and saw five pairs of eyes staring at me. They were waiting for me to continue.

"But I do know that if we're patient, things will work out, Alice will see or more likely Edward will call us. We can speculate all we want but there really isn't anything we can do for Edward, except wait to hear from him. So let's try and be reasonable about this and just show some patience."

Three weeks later we were still trying to be patient.

* * *

"Eleazar," I greeted my friend warmly, shaking his hand as he pulled me firmly to him in an unexpected hug.

"Carlisle, how are you managing?" His voice was meant for my ears only but I saw Esme's head cock in our direction as she greeted his mate, Carmen, in a similar embrace.

I shrugged. There would be plenty of time to discuss my despondency, helplessness and general numbness in the hours ahead.

When a phone call from Edward failed to materialize and hours passed into days, days into weeks, I finally acquiesced and invited Eleazar and Carmen to our home in Forks, now almost completely empty of personal effects, the house containing only the furniture that would not accompany us on our move.

We needed a change, a new perspective, a different insight. The six of us rehashing over and over again, where Edward was, how he was faring, why he hadn't gotten in touch with us, was taking a huge toll on everyone especially Esme. Our discussions needed to start producing results.

My devastated wife would sit for hours on the porch huddling in a wrap she didn't need as the chilly wind whistled in from the north calling attention to the change in seasons. She put on a brave front, interacting with her children, continuing her supervision of the renovations of Edward's living space, trying not to fall into a deep melancholy that had settled over all of us even as Jasper tried in a futile attempt to lift our spirits. The weight of our desolation was even too much for his gift.

Company would do us good. Esme was too polite to ignore guests and she was clearly fond of both Eleazar and Carmen. It would force her from Edward's room where she retreated whenever too many of us joined her on the porch.

After a bit of small talk, questions turned to Edward. There would be no tiptoeing around his absence. Eleazar and Carmen brought with them a new perspective to the situation and perhaps could suggest something that the rest of us hadn't considered. I directed them to the dining room table, big enough to accommodate all of us. The beleaguered look in the faces of my family suggested that they were only to ready to have this nonsensical adventure by Edward brought to an end,. The toll of his disappearance was weighing on everyone's mind, even Rosalie's who no longer sounded irritated, her annoyance dimmed by her concern as she mulled over her brother's absence.

"So tell me again Carlisle, what do you know of this Nicholas and where he's from? You said he came and left the same day that Edward did?" Eleazar, with centuries of experience dealing with troubled vampires and ageless wisdom would want to know all the specifics before offering his opinion.

I quickly recanted our brief chat with Nicholas and Jasper's suspicion that he was not from a peaceful southern coven as he claimed. I elucidated how Edward had stayed tucked away in his room during the entire visit and no interaction had occurred between the two other than Edward presumably reading his mind.

Alice's vision had firmed up somewhat, and she could picture a lush green tropical paradise not usually associated with Mexico. When Jasper brought forth a book of Mexican landscapes, she quickly pointed to several that mimicked her visions. Unfortunately those pictures were located in various parts of the country so pinpointing a location had proved impossible.

Searching for Edward in her images, she could get bits and pieces of him, but nothing concrete suggesting a location or even who he was with. With some prodding she confessed that he looked forlorn, distant, and depressed, causing little whimpers to escape Esme's lips as she thought of her son in distress, even the self inflicted kind. I could only take in a measure of relief that he was not physically harmed and still had enough cognizance in his situation to feel these emotions. The blank catatonic stare from my memories, was far worse than feelings of dejection and I had to remind myself and everyone else that Alice's visions were of the future, things could always change.

She did not see any visions of Nicholas and Edward together. That was odd but not alarming in itself. There were many scenarios that could explain it, including Edward's impatience and Nicholas' nomadic ways, leading Edward to find Nicholas' coven before he returned. Until he called us or Alice's visions became more specific, it was hard to speculate.

"Carlisle I think you have to assume that Nicholas' appearance and Edward's disappearance are related," Eleazar said slowly as he absorbed the information. He glanced at me only briefly before continuing. "Perhaps Edward saw something in his thoughts that made him curious or suspicious and decided to investigate on his own. That would be something he would do, wouldn't it? Eleazar chuckled as half the vampires at the table nodded.

"But where is he, why can't Alice see the consequences of the decisions he makes?" Eleazar wasn't telling me anything I hadn't already concluded.

This endless cycle of hypothesizing always brought us back to the same place and it was starting to wear on my patience. Eleazar saw my frustration. I realized I was being unreasonable in my expectations of his acuity to see the situation differently. He had only just joined us; he wouldn't know the hours and hours of debate about Edward's fate that I and the others had already struggled with.

"Perhaps he isn't making the decisions."

"What do you mean?" I could see Esme's hands clench in fists next to me. The comment inconspicuous as it seemed, had ominous undertones to it.

"I mean maybe someone is deciding Edward's fate." Eleazar did not understand tact. The time really didn't call for it, but Carmen's fingers tightened on his forearms as she saw the look on Esme's face.

"Are you suggesting that Edward is being held against his _will_." The possibility seemed ludicrous but I felt the tightening in my abdomen.

"It would make sense wouldn't it? Alice can't see him clearly because he hasn't been making decisions. He hasn't tried to contact you because he is being controlled by someone or something. Even Edward would not leave you in limbo for this length of time, unless he had no choice. "

Esme was squirming next to me, a little whimper escaping her lips. Eleazar's words were said with enthusiasm, identifying the mystery, a puzzle solved, but the idea that her son was being held against his will was pure torture for her.

"How would that be possible? How can a vampire be held against his will?" The idea sounded farfetched. Had we gotten to the point where we could only grasp for straws?

"Carlisle, need I tell you? How does the Volturi do it? Threats of death can be quite a deterrent. It would take more than one I grant you. So if we are to assume that Edward has found himself in a less than friendly coven, it is possible."

Edward would not comply with their wishes because of a threat of death," Rosalie spoke up; the conviction in her voice causing all of us to look at her. "Edward courts death as if it were a long lost love. Especially now."

"Rosalie," Esme gasped.

"It's true, we all know it. Dying isn't a problem for Edward. It's living that he has trouble with." She at least had the courtesy of sounding distraught, but it was too much for Esme. I could feel her start to crumble next to me an involuntary shudder rippling through her body. I gripped her hand.

"Well than," Eleazar continued, undeterred by Rosalie's comments. "What if the threat was directed at you? What if this coven threatened _his_ family? Nicholas would know how to find you. Would Edward risk your safety, any one of you, with his disobedience?

We all knew the answer to that question. Edward, my martyr. He would view his death as a honorable contribution to the safety of his family.

"Everything you say sounds reasonable, Eleazar but I still don't understand why. Why would Edward follow Nicholas, why would a coven fight to keep him, what am I missing?"

"Perhaps they value his gift. If he truly is in the south, a mind reader would offer a distinct advantage to any coven." Jasper had been listening quietly, but I could see that he was mulling something over.

"His gift?" My voice had risen an octave. "How would they possibly know about that?"

"Carlisle, you know that there are numerous ways they could have found out. Speculating about the how's won't change anything or discredit the suggestion." Eleazar stroked his chin thoughtfully an eyebrow raised in my direction.

He knew me too well. I didn't like the way this conversation was going so I was going to take a stance against it. "I'm not…." But was stopped by his raised hand.

"If you need a more viable theory I can give you one. From my experience with the Volturi, I can tell you that scouting for gifted vampires or potentially gifted humans was a priority. During my time with them I was sent out on numerous scouting missions searching for vampires that might be able to add something to the guard with their special talents. I found the twins that way, and please don't blame me for those demon children. I only saw their potential, not their evil." Eleazar took an unneeded breath as Carmen shifted uncomfortably next to him.

"What if this coven that Nicholas claimed to be from sent him out searching for gifted vampires? What if he has a gift as I do? Was it really an accident that he just happened to show up here and only stayed for minutes? He saw Edward's gift, you confirmed that Edward was suffering the loss of his mate. He would have been able to communicate with Edward by simply using his thoughts. Who knows what that conversation entailed; what promises were made or lies told."

The entire table was completely still. Even Esme did not react. I thought back, remembering how I assumed I was protecting Edward by keeping him apart from us, remembered his intake of breath and snort at someone's thoughts. Was he communicating with Nicholas the entire time? What had the stranger said to convince him to follow? Could Eleazar be right? I looked around the table and saw that my family was seriously considering it.

"Carlisle, it's just a theory, please let's not focus only on that and forget that there could be other explanations." Eleazar could feel the intensity of my entire family's gaze. He relished explaining his premise until he found us embracing it wholeheartedly.

"It's the best theory that we've heard so far," I said softly. Could it be true? Could Edward be held hostage by a coven of vampires? I felt my insides curl in on each other, a pain in my chest. My son was in danger.

"If Edward is being held against his will, he's resourceful. If he can't call, he will find a way to get his location back to you. He can use Alice's visions for that. He just needs to decide to do something, no matter how small. If he decides to hunt and catches a landmark in his sights, she would see that, would she not?"

Alice was nodding her head absentmindedly.

"No, that won't happen. Edward would never ask us to rescue him. He couldn't live with the shame of it." Emmett's attempts at levity fell flat, his voice held none of his usual enthusiasm.

"Emmett's right. Edward would never seek our help," Rosalie agreed.

My hand was firmly locked with Esme's, but I wanted to pull it away and curl up inside myself. I was at a loss. If we were close to the truth, how could we ever hope to rescue him? Did he even want us to?

"Nicholas said he was heading back to Mexico City. We need to go there, go and get my son," Esme mumbled; she was barely holding back her sobs.

"Yes of course we do, we will, darling." We were united in our sorrow.

"No." It was Jasper. He looked at me sadly and shook his head. "You can't. It's too dangerous. Even if Nicholas was speaking the truth and his coven was located near Mexico City, there is no way we could help Edward. Unknown vampires are viewed as spies. With no local ties, we would be the enemy of all the covens. It's impossible."

It would not do to ignore Jasper's wisdom. He had decade's worth of experience. His body held the scars of all the evidence I needed. Jasper was the expert. He was not exaggerating. I felt Esme's eyes on me and I turned and met her gaze. They were oddly peaceful and they told me everything I needed to know.

"Jasper, you know I respect your opinion, value it and I have no doubt that you speak the truth. Of course none of you are obligated to go with us, but Esme and I have to try. We would do it for any of you; we have to protect our children." I spoke calmly, now that I had a mission, a goal, my apprehension eased somewhat.

The look on Jasper's face was one of shock. "Are you insane Carlisle? Do you honestly think that you and Esme would survive a battle with a dozen newborns? That's what you would be facing. Are you willing to kill yourselves over some absurd rescue mission that is doomed to fail?"

I blinked. His passion, his absolute conviction startled me. "Jasper, I understand your concern, but we have no choice."

"Are you willing to kill Esme over this? I'm sorry but I won't let you do it," He shouted. He was furious, glaring at me.

I was rendered speechless; not only at his bluntness, but his out and out defiant attitude. Jasper had always been conciliatory towards my decisions; he seldom questioned them, Alice always the more vocal of the two.

"Jasper, sweetheart, I know this is upsetting for you, but we must help Edward, we must. I couldn't bear it if something happened to him. I couldn't live with myself if we did nothing." Esme reached her hand across the table and covered his with hers. He held her pleading gaze, a tender look cut through the harshness reserved for me.

"But if you die what will it matter and if you're wrong and Edward isn't being held against his will, how would he live with the guilt."

"I'm onboard with whatever the group decides. I wouldn't mind kicking some newborn butt again." Emmett enthusiasm wasn't forced. He furtively avoided the glare of his mate.

I was watching the exchange between Jasper and Esme when I felt Eleazar's hand on my arm. "Are you going to let this go on Carlisle?"

There was a moment when I didn't understand what he meant, but his kind old eyes full of astuteness and understanding finally lifted the cloud of denial. I nodded my head, not in response to Eleazar's rhetorical question, but in understanding of his insinuation.

"No one is going to Mexico City. It was a bad Idea, I'm sorry I considered it. Jasper is right, we have no idea if Edward is even there or if he is, that he is being held against his will; the risk is too great." I didn't look at my wife as she pulled her hand from Jasper's and leaned away from me but I felt her disillusionment with me.

There was a resounding sigh from the others, all except for Emmett, who was clearly disappointed. He'd looked forward to another battle with the newborns.

My momentary lapse of judgment was exceedingly irresponsible. My need to protect my son was strong, but did I actually contemplate sacrificing my entire family, including my mate, to do it? I didn't need anyone to validate it; I knew I had.

"Then the only answer now is to wait and hope that Alice sees something, anything that we can use to help him." I sounded defeated. Was it all I could do?

"Alice?" It was Carmen's voice, puzzled. I turned to her, saw her confusion, then followed her line of sight to Alice who was staring intently at the floral center piece

as if it were her next meal.

"Alice?" Jasper repeated, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

Finally she looked up, her gaze met mine. She appeared only perplexed so it didn't instantly trigger in me alarm. It wasn't until she elaborated…..

"I see Edward. He's...he's…afraid."

"Of what Alice, what is he afraid of?" I whispered, leaning forward. The pain in my chest was crushing.

"I don't know. But Carlisle...wait...there's fire...smoke...he's...he's in it...in the fire... and he's…he's terrified...Edward is terrified.

There was a brief silence as her horrifying premonition was absorbed, but it didn't last. Esme's screams were like a distant backdrop to the agonizing sounds that spewed from my mouth in wave after wave of pure anguish. I was barely aware of the hands on me shaking me, shouts from my children and the ongoing wails of my mate. That was it than. All this patience and we'd finally gotten our answer.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**Not really a cliffhanger. You should know that Alice's premonition isn't what it appears. **_


	8. Collection

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**WARNING: Contains graphic vampire violence and religious references that may be offensive. **_

_**Did I mention I'm a fan of Stephen King. ;o)**_

_**This chapter will explain some of the confusion left in the wake of chapter 5 and 6.**_

* * *

_January 1919_

_I climbed up the steep bank of the ice covered lake, impervious to the late January weather. My inability to feel cold was one of the many things I was still getting use to having only been a vampire for just four short months._

_Carlisle was standing on the river bank. His clothes were dry. He had not followed me into the water, not taken me up on my challenge and now he was laughing. Not just laughing, roaring with laughter, holding his sides bending over and I'm sure if it were possible, he'd be crying with the exertion of it. _

_The velvety sounds of his hilarity were usually contagious, except this time he was laughing at me and I didn't find it funny, not one bit. It took me a moment longer to fathom what he found so hilarious, my annoyance over his gaiety growing; his thought's showing no source of his merriment. But then the gigantic fish in one final struggle for life, flopped furiously, reminding me that I still carried the slimy thing in my teeth, had put it there myself as I climbed out of the lake leaving my hands free to help with the steep icy terrain. _

_I meant to yell at him, curse him for his laughter, but I couldn't call out, my mouth was full…full of fish. I spat the disgusting creature to the ground. "Stop laughing at me." I hissed and immediately Carlisle became somber._

"_I'm sorry Edward." He tried atonement. He was still wary of my newborn volatility. His thoughts were masked, his features serious, but I could see the twitching of his lips; a new round of guffaws were ready to burst from him. _

"_You told me we could catch fish; feed off of fish." I yelled at him, seeing no humor in the situation. "I thought we were… were...going fishing."_

_This was too much for Carlisle and he howled with laughter again, holding his hand out at me like that would presumably block my outraged advances on him._

"_Edward…..please….please forgive me. I said we could feed off fish, not that we should. You were too eager to beat me to the lake; I didn't have time to explain." He was still bent over holding his sides fighting for control, but as the memory of me emerging from the water with a fish in my mouth floated through his consciousness, he was on the verge of losing it again._

_It was true. The moment he said we could feed from fish, the bigger the better, I'd sprinted towards the large lake without hearing him out. I took it as a challenge misinterpreting his desire to share the one thing he could with me, his knowledge; his motives were purely meant to enlighten me. _

_He couldn't match my newborn speed. I easily beat him and with a thrust of my fist, shattered the foot thick ice. Diving under water, I swam like a sea lion, using my eyes rather than my sense of smell to track my prey, in this case a Muskie as long as my leg. Now I could taste it, still on my lips and I wiped my hand again and again over them trying to rid myself of the foulness of it. _

_Carlisle saw me relax just a little. "When you came out of that water with that fish flopping in your mouth, it was too much…" More chuckles. "Edward, I think that was the funniest thing I've seen in all my almost three hundred years."_

"_I'm glad you were amused." I felt humiliated and hung my head ashamed by my absurd competitiveness. Why did I always think I had to beat him at everything? But then I saw his memory of me and I felt a smile tug at my lips; it was funny. My mouth, stretched wide, didn't looked big enough to hold the fish; my hair was frozen in an odd array of spikes and kinks and I was hardly graceful as I climbed up the ice covered snow bank leading from the lake._

"_I'm sorry Edward. I didn't mean to laugh at you." Carlisle had himself under control. He was worried that he'd hurt my feelings._

"_It was sort of funny." I offered. _

"_Sort of?" _

"_Okay it was really funny and I deserved it." I acquiesced, looking up to see him smiling at me, still in good humor, but with pride shining in his eyes._

"_Forget about the fish. You got control of your emotions very quickly. Do you feel it?"_

_Ahhh so that was why he looked at me like I'd just hit a homerun in the World Series. It had nothing to do with my fishing prowess. I thought about it and I did feel more in control. Any angry I felt was subdued, hardly worth contemplation. A change from the rages I suffered through just a few short weeks ago._

_I nodded than felt a spurt of chuckles escape my lips. Pretty soon I was laughing, joining Carlisle who played the image of me again through his memories._

"_Stop," I managed to gasp. I couldn't watch it again. But Carlisle was merciless, recalling every detail of my fishing expedition including the point when I meant to express my outrage, but realized that I had a mouth full of fish. The look on my face was horrified and furious and this brought a new wave of shrieks from me as I fell to the ground clutching my sides._

_It felt good to laugh; maybe Carlisle was right and I wasn't such a monster after all._

_Edward?_

* * *

"Edward?"

That didn't sound like Carlisle.

I opened my eyes and stared into the red demon eyes of Daniel. He was peering thoughtfully at me as I huddled in my space oblivious to his approach.

"I don't think I've ever seen you smile. It must be a good memory." He smirked, motioning me to get up.

"One you'll never experience."

"And one you'll never experience again."

He had me there. My memories were all I had. I hadn't consciously thought of that memory with Carlisle from so long ago. I just slipped into it; letting the security of it embrace me, fill me with warmth remind me of the life I'd thrown away.

Now as I followed Daniel to what I assumed was my trial, guilty verdict and sentencing for lying about Michael's thoughts, I was oddly comforted. Perhaps I'd been wrong to exclude my family's memories. Bella could only get me so far and then I would remember that she was dead, dead because of me and I would feel the heartache all over again. But my family was alive; still alive and as long as I kept them that way, it was safe to think about them.

It didn't stop the tremors though. They appeared worse; the constant twitching was almost painful in its intensity and certainly uncomfortable. I found if I squeezed myself hard enough, I could get them to subside somewhat, so that's how I sat; scrunched up in a corner of my room, my arms wrapped around my legs and as far around my back as I could reach and I squeezed.

The fear clung to me gnawing on my insides taking precedence over everything else, even my thirst. It was the waiting, anticipating what my punishment would be for making Cameron look like a fool in front of his coven. I tried not to think of the other incident, watching…feeling Michael die had shaken me unlike few things had in my vampire life. I attributed it to the overall ghastliness of this place, the uncertainty of my future and my only solution which was almost as horrifying as living for an eternity surrounded by this wickedness.

In the twenty four hours since I'd burned with Michael, Cameron had expressed his displeasure with me through his thoughts, though displeasure wasn't exactly the right word. He was irate. His verbal rantings could be heard by a human if one was still alive within a half mile of us and the unspoken ones were even more incensed. I tried not to listen, didn't want to know how I would be persecuted. I'd seen things in Jasper's thoughts. He described tortures that at the time had fascinated me in their cruelty and originality, but now that I was living it, I had no desire to reminisce through Jasper's memories.

Daniel, as usual had his thoughts concealed. He was an educated vampire. The literature he could recite was varied and extensive. I had no idea what his age was, how long he'd been a vampire or how he ended up in this place as I was sure he wasn't born to it. There was something sinister about him. He'd only ever been courtesy around me, but under the surface, he was hiding something, something hideous.

"Edward, so nice of you to join us," Mary said peaceably, as if I had a choice. She was sitting on an ornately decorated bench, one of the few pieces of furniture that hadn't been stolen or destroyed. Cameron was with her, standing apart from her staring off towards the setting sun. His annoyance with me evident in his posture.

"Edward, we aren't going to ask you why you lied." Mary began, as I stood before her trying to look contrite and attentive. I was wary of Daniel behind me, had seen in his memories how lethal he was.

"But you must understand that by not being truthful, not relaying the thoughts of those that we request them from, be it friend or foe, you are putting us in jeopardy." Mary reached her hand out and gripped my arm. I did not pull away. "I would like to give you another chance, truly I would, but we just can't take the chance."

Had the tremors reached my jaw? I felt my teeth clench and only with some effort could I unlock them. I didn't try to speak and only nodded my head figuring it was the polite thing to do. My instincts were screaming at me to run, but I wasn't young, I wasn't a newborn. I could control myself if I had to. Did I have too? We were decidedly alone, the four of us, the newborns and young ones were not within my smell and I could hear none of their thoughts. I didn't have to stand there. I could try and escape. The odds weren't in my favor, but they were better than Michael's. Mary's hand was still on my arm; would her grip tighten? Would she reach with the other hand and twist?

"Edward calm down." Her face was collected. She didn't look like she was about to dismember me. But then that was Mary's role. She enticed…she dazzled…and then he…

"Edward, come with me." Cameron had moved away from the window and floated by me without looking at either of us.

"I think it might be time for you to learn the lore of this coven; our history, our reputation. It's time you were enlightened in our ways." Cameron's voice held no menace but a shudder different from the tremors rippled through me.

"It's alright Edward; I'll go with you too." Mary said reassuring me like this deduction would make me feel better. She was the seductress luring in her prey.

With Daniel behind me and Mary's hand on my arm, I felt I had little choice but to let them guide me as we followed Cameron.

"In your brief time with us, surely you've heard bits and pieces of our history, how a coven as small as ours could exist in this region despite numerous attempts to overtake and destroy us." Cameron paused, turned and looked to make sure I was following him. "But perhaps that is not stating it correctly. Exist is too passive of a word. We dominated this region for decades."

I'd heard the stories, as much as I tried not to listen; their arrogance and superiority out of place given their current diminished capabilities.

"I want you to understand, Edward, how we managed all of these years. Yes it's true we've fallen on hard times but that is unfortunately my miscalculation. I assumed our legacy would carry us for decades into the future. I understand now that I must replenish the well from time to time. We must remind those around us of our special brand of punishment. Do you understand what it is to have a reputation that eliminates the need to fight? "

I shook my head. The Volturi were such a coven, had such a reputation, but I knew of no others.

We'd ventured a mile south of the hacienda, an area I hadn't traveled through and had actively avoided. The human population was close. I was still confident that I could control my bloodlust and keep the monster at bay. I hadn't worked for decades to keep it under control only to have the memories of newborns feeding destroy everything I was, yet the fear was there. I wasn't the same vampire, didn't have the same loyalties. If I came upon the young ones feeding, I might not be able to resist.

"No one is going to hurt you Edward," Mary purred in my ear as I moved no faster than a human at a brisk walk. She was pulling on my arm. I heard Daniel sigh behind me. He kept a reasonable distance away from me, trying, I assume to ease my alarm.

"Of course we aren't going to hurt you." Cameron affirmed. "You are our most prized possession. We have great plans for you. But you must understand the entire truth about our coven, Edward, about our kind. There are worse things than death. Did you know that? I need you to see why we were so feared, why death, even death as you witnessed it yesterday with Michael, is preferable to what I'm going to show you. Why covens live in fear of our special brand of retribution."

As if he were adding an explanation point to the end of his dramatic sentence, he turned and looked at me, eyebrows raised, his lips turning up in a slow ominous smile. Then, unbelievably, he reached his hand out for me. I stared at it as Mary released my arm. My feet no longer floated, but dragged on the ground. I felt her hand on my back, pushing me forward towards him. My mind was screaming to run, I didn't know why, didn't know what awaited me but I knew it was terrible; something I wouldn't want to have burned in my memories for all the rest of time. Still, I didn't resist when his hand gripped my elbow, pulling me alongside of him.

We had come to a clearing in a small valley. In the distance I could see the silhouette of a small village. The setting sun added a tranquil feel to the idyllic little community, but with a group of vampires approaching, it wouldn't remain tranquil for long. At that moment without hearing any thoughts to confirm it, I could see where this was leading. They were bringing me to town to feed, to feed on humans.

I stopped abruptly feeling Cameron's hand tighten around my arm. He did not push me and stopped when he realized I was no longer moving. He had no wish to instigate a fight with me fearing my unavoidable destruction in the process. He valued me enough to avoid any confrontation that would bring on my untimely death.

"What is it Edward?" Mary said magnanimously.

"I won't feed on humans."

The laughter from the three vampires was almost as unnerving as Cameron's allusion to a punishment so feared it was enough to keep neighboring covens at bay.

"There are no humans where we are going, Edward," Mary said lightly. "This village has been deserted for many years. But tell me, can you pick up any signs of life out there. What do you hear?"

I was immediately wary, but didn't resist as I was pushed forward between the three, our progress exponentially faster as I felt delaying the inevitable would only make the situation worse. I tried to listen. Other than the hidden mumblings of those around me, no thoughts strayed into my consciousness. I heard nothing, blissfully nothing.

"I don't hear anything." I replied.

"Let's get closer, tell me if you hear or smell anything unusual." Cameron had me by the elbow again, pulling me along.

I listened tentatively, expecting a frenetic rush of thoughts so shocking, so appalling, that there would be little chance I would miss it. But when I did finally hear something, it was really nothing at all.

Whispers…disjointed mumblings. It was more than one mind, I was sure, but I didn't think they were communicating with each other. There was nothing coherent, just random words, maybe hints of a prayer, pleading, signs of confusion and all of it difficult to hear which I'd never experienced before. I had to reach for these thoughts, concentrate, focus on each word and most weren't words at all, but mutterings that might have been words.

My skills as a mind reader were such that I could either hear the thoughts or I couldn't. They did not manifest into my consciousness as I got closer to my subject or diminish as I moved away. An individual mind could be harder or easier to read, or in Bella's case, impossible, but it had nothing to do with how close I was to the person. I looked questionably at the vampires around me who were staring at me in anticipation. "I hear…sounds."

"What kind of sounds?" Cameron asked eagerly.

"Maybe voices, but I can't make them out. I think they belong to more than one, but I'm not sure."

"Let's take a closer look. Make sure to let me know what you hear." He was pleased. This made me feel slightly less agitated. I had been sure we were walking into some medieval form of torture for me, but perhaps I was only being asked to solve a mystery.

When we were within a mile of the village, I noticed an odd odor that accompanied the muddled thoughts overwhelming my brain. I instantly recognized it as the smell that had accompanied Daniel and the newborns when I warned of a sixth vampire; the indistinct smell that suggested a vampire without the distinctive odor of anyone specific.

"What Edward?" Mary asked, noticing me test the air.

"I smell something."

"What do you smell?"

"A vampire. The same vampire that was following Daniel."

"How do you know it is the same one? " Mary asked.

"It has a peculiar smell. Almost like no smell at all."

"And what do you hear?" She appeared less interested in my ability to smell them; their enhanced sense of smell was no less powerful.

"Still just mumblings, nothing specific."

We approached a small Catholic church on the edge of the little village. It looked like it hadn't presided over a mass in decades. My alarm at the harmony of thoughts, unfamiliar vampire thoughts, was not mimicked by the others with me. Cameron and Mary seemed eager, like parents waiting for their child to open that perfect gift; I assumed their enthusiasm was generated from the anticipation of my reaction. Vampires rarely got to witness anything new.

Daniel's thoughts were hidden behind a cloak of literary works by Kipling, but occasionally he would slip and his amusement would become evident. He looked forward to whatever awaited me with a sadistic relish reinforcing my fear.

Eventually I stopped moving all together.

"Edward, what's wrong? Do you hear something?" Mary asked placing her hand in what she deemed an appropriate place in the middle of my back.

"Tell me, who's in there?" I was done with their games.

"Edward, it's not something we can easily explain. We must show you." Mary encouraged. "We can promise you only that you will not be harmed. They can't hurt you."

"They?" So there was more than one.

"Please Edward, just go and have a look and make sure you listen." Mary coaxed.

I knew I had no choice. Why did I resist? And despite my fear, my curiosity was piqued. Who was in that church? Had this coven figured out a way to restrain vampires? Could it be as simple as that? I briefly thought of Carlisle, how his sponge of a mind would relish some new piece of information; his ongoing quest to educate himself enabled him to pass from century to century with renewed enthusiasm. Maybe someday I would be the one to enlighten him with something new. Maybe.

I took a deep unneeded breath and listened hard, but only heard the same perplexing sounds. Nothing alluded to danger, but the pleas were very real. If not rich in specifics, the disquieting inference was there. Then I heard it, one clear word, a name…_Gina_.

"What is it Edward." Mary responded to the expression of shock on my face.

"Nicholas…you have Nicholas," I gasped.

"How do you know that?" Cameron asked, delighted with my pronouncement.

I ignored his question. "How is that possible? How are you holding him?" My voice was a breathless whisper. I tried to see through Nicholas' eyes, but his vision was unfocused. I could make out nothing significant. It was odd. It was as if his vision, while intact was not registering, the images not reaching his brain, so consequently I could not observe them.

"Come, we'll show you."

I didn't resist the pressure of Mary's hand on my back and our pace picked up so that we were standing in front of the decrepit old church in mere seconds. I no longer thought about the befuddled thoughts in my head, I had to see, see with my own eyes. I moved past the others who had stopped to watch my progress and slowly made my way up the crumbling stairs pushing aside the door that was hanging by a rusty old hinge.

What was so formidable about this church that could hold a vampire captive; for I had little doubt that Nicholas was being held against his will. Was it some sort of mind control or hypnosis that could keep a vampire in a suspended state, unable to control his physical body? Perhaps a gift similar to that of the Volturi twin, Alec, but even more powerful; one that didn't require constant concentration.

The church was dark; the windows boarded shut from the inside, as if someone was trying to keep something from getting _in_. Most of the pews were torn out and those that were left were stacked against the walls. I had no trouble deciphering the contents of the old church, but there was little to see. Were they holding Nicholas and the others underground? I smelled the air and other than the dank odor of an old building and the odd scent that hinted of a vampire but provided no specifics, I smelled nothing else and there was no hint of Nicholas' scent. I looked back and saw the three vampires behind me waiting, anticipating what I would find. To say they looked gleeful was an understatement. They looked like they were ready to burst with excitement. I took no comfort from their hidden thoughts and went back to focusing on the murky interior of the church.

Stepping carefully, I moved inside scanning every darkened corner, every misplaced piece of furniture, every suspicious shadow and still I found nothing. It was unlikely that a church like this, built when it was would have crypts, but perhaps underground passageways used to hide rebels escaping from Santa Anna's troops? I couldn't bring myself to ask one of the vampires outside where they were hidden.

Just as I was prepared scourer the outer perimeter of the church looking for a hidden stairway, something on the altar caught my eye. The free standing table was covered in debris and looked inconspicuous enough, but there was movement.

"Hello?" I didn't consider how ridiculous it was to call out to a vampire that would know I was there.

I moved through the church at a human pace, my eyes never leaving the altar in front of me. Something had moved, I was sure of it. As I got closer I could see it, wondered why I hadn't noticed it from the start. Amidst the broken beams that had crashed down from the ceiling and the overturned pew that rested against it I could see pieces of the broken crucifix; a large rather elaborate crucifix given the impoverished location of the tiny village. I walked closer, mesmerized by what I was seeing.

At first I thought it was just part of the crucifix, placed lovingly in the middle of the altar on the _mensa. _But then it moved, not much, just a twitch in the cheek or maybe a wink; though I didn't think the thing looking back at me was capable of winking. Its brown hair was pulled back though wisps of it had broken free and hung down over its face. I found little else that was familiar. The eyes were no longer the deep crimson red of a well fed vampire, but a muddy brown sunken into the skull, no life flickered in them. The face itself was just hanging skin. I'd never seen such features on a vampire. Our skin was unyielding, barely supple, not like this elastic goo that seemed to sag down to its chin.

It's….his mind held nothing notable, nothing I could understand as sentences or questions or even memories. I did feel his thirst, a deep intense burning, but it wasn't just his thirst. I could feel the thirst of all of them and there were others. I didn't want to look around to find them. Because now I understood, understood how a vampire could be kept physically against his will and I understood that there were more of them than just this one, than just Nicholas. And all I had to do was look around, just turn my head to the right or the left and I would see them. I could feel them, hear their thoughts enveloping me, their whispers and mumblings, their prayers and pleas, no words but the sounds were there, they were trying to speak.

I felt a weakness in my knees; I remembered the feeling, had it the day I saw Bella die. That weakness that no vampire had any business feeling, like I could collapse, like my legs couldn't hold me, the weight of my body too much for them. I heard the movement of the others behind me, Cameron, Mary and Daniel, their thoughts were no longer hidden, they were relishing in my discovery, eager to learn what I'd been able to gather from their…captives. They didn't need to hide anything from me. I understood everything completely now.

"What do you think of my collection, Edward?" Cameron's voice practically purred.

I didn't speak, couldn't speak and I tried not to hear the mumbles, the babble of words that formed no conclusive sentences. But my eyes were drawn back to Nicholas or what was left of Nicholas. Because even though I recognized his hair still pulled back in that ponytail, and his features, saggy and elastic as they were and those muddy brown eyes that no longer glowed red with life; even though I recognized all of that, I really couldn't think of him as he was, as the vampire he was, because he was just an apparition of his former self now.

I never thought it possible, couldn't have believed it so, not in all my years, wouldn't have even imagined it and Carlisle certainly hadn't. Never once in any of his thoughts had he even alluded to the prospect that something like this could be possible. So it wasn't without much effort that I had to force myself to believe what my eyes already told me was true and that truth was that Nicholas was there in the church, placed on the altar, but not completely, because on that altar was only his head, there was no body, no arms or legs, just his head and it was…..it was still alive.

…and then I looked, because I had no choice. I couldn't just keep staring at Nicholas' sagging twitching face. So I looked around me, looked to the right at the broken statue of the Virgin Mary cut off at the waist, a head sitting nestled in the womb of the marble body, tilting back eyes permanently focused upwards; and at the completely intact pulpit with the blond head of a female, her eyes darting back and forth though she wasn't, from her thoughts, seeing anything. To the left I saw more, some in better shape than others, the hand of time causing decomposition, not in the traditional human sense, but an aged look of a worn old over used sofa or favorite piece of clothing; they looked used up, completely drained of whatever essence of life they once had. And still others, damaged, cracks in the skull or dislocated jaws from poorly executed decapitations. And those too were alive…

"Edward, tell us. Do they have conscious thought; see if you can communicate with them? "Mary's voice, how could I ever have found it appealing? It was monstrous in its pleasantness amongst this horror.

I looked at her, my mind trying to register what she was asking me and when I couldn't focus, my eyes strayed past her towards the door of the church, towards the fading sunlight and I ran. I ran as fast as I could away from the church of abominations; out of the valley, running without knowing where I was going, just away. I knew they would follow, could hear them clearly, their astonished thoughts, their screams and shouts at me to stop. But I didn't stop, not even when I heard the others coming, the young ones, the newborns. I didn't stop running and they couldn't catch me, none of them could not as they spread out, their bodies crashing through the trees, perhaps not crashing in human terms, but I could hear them all plainly; the thrill of the chase. If they caught me I wouldn't live to see another day. The newborns were too inflamed, they wouldn't be able to control themselves and they were much faster than Daniel. They would be done with me before he arrived to stop them.

But I ran faster, I was still faster. I knew I could outrun them as I heard them fall back, one at a time.

And just when I thought I might be free, finally free of them, I heard Cameron, heard his thoughts, his threatening thoughts. _Edward, who in your former coven should we bring back and add to my collection? _

I gasped even as I ran harder. No! He wouldn't.

_I'd like a pretty one this time. Nicholas told me that you had a very pretty sister. I think I'll take her._

"NO…..NO…" I screamed, my voice reverberating through the trees.

I gave no thought to where I was going, but I knew where I had to go. I was going to my home; the place I had doomed myself to; the place I would never be able to escape from so long as I still had some foot in reality. Carefully, avoiding the newborns, I maneuvered my way back and was in my room before any of the others even realized I'd turned around.

It was around that time that the rocking started.

* * *

I was largely left alone over the next week. Unfortunately I wasn't alone with my thoughts. Cameron was pleased that he had me under his control, that he could stop my escape with a simple threat to my family, my former family. Mary was worried about my mental health, thoughts of Gina forefront in her mind. It was no wonder the girl was insane. I wondered where she was. Had they killed her, found her head not worthy of adding to their collection? Certainly she was beautiful, stunningly so. Cameron did say he wanted a pretty one and she was more than pretty. Maybe she escaped. I felt a little better thinking that she had. Would she know to run as far away from here as possible or had she followed them as they carried the head of her mate back with them. Was she out there somewhere lurking in the trees waiting to retrieve it?

Roberto was sympathetic and worried about me. He came to my room once, but I couldn't muster the energy to pull myself out of my cocoon, my arms wrapped tightly around me as I slowly rocked back and forth; so with a muttered _I'm sorry_, he left me alone. Daniel and the others found me pathetic. They were disappointed that they couldn't use me to talk with the heads; apparently they took great pleasure in visiting the church to _play_ with them. When Daniel tried to torture me with the details, I thought of every composition I'd ever written and played each, note for note on my imaginary piano until his thoughts drifted to something else.

The rocking was an interesting development. I hadn't realized I was doing it until I saw the wall moving back and forth and realized it wasn't the wall, it was me. I had some control over the tremors, but no matter how tightly I held myself, the rocking continued. Carlisle had never been interested in psychiatry, so I had never invested much time in it myself, but now I wished I had. I wondered what my diagnosis would be. I was waiting for the rest to come, the weird swirling visions, the delusions and vivid hallucinations; would these manifest themselves the longer I was here? Would I eventually lose myself to them, become unaware of my surroundings, create a little world for myself? I couldn't be blamed for that, they couldn't go after my family for that, could they? I needed to believe it so when the time came and I felt myself slip away I wouldn't fight it, I would just let myself go.

At some point, I left to feed. I felt others following me, Daniel was one, I didn't bother trying to separate the smells to determine who else was behind me. I fed on two small deer and when a test of the air revealed no other large animal scents, I returned to my room, still thirsty, but afraid of the human scents I did smell in the air.

On the sixth day of my self imposed isolation, I heard him, the kinetic thoughts of a terrified vampire. Daniel and the young ones had captured a nomadic stranger. The frenzied delight of the newborn thoughts was difficult to ignore, the intensity of them pounding in my skull even as I pressed my fingers against my temples trying to still their monstrous plans of torture and execution.

Soon I could hear his pleas, his defense, his denials that he was a spy and just the victim of an unfortunate piece of bad luck. He'd only been passing through the area and as he begged for mercy, it only incited the newborns further. His smell revealed nothing. I didn't know him. He was a stranger to me. I was indifferent to his plight. Too many other lives were held by a thread waiting for my slip-up, another poor decision that would seal their fate. I couldn't bear the burden of another life, held precariously at my finger tips; I had too many memories left to explore.

* * *

"_Edward, I won't let you hurt anyone." Carlisle's thoughts were concerned but not unduly so._

"_You said yourself, I'm faster and stronger than you; how would you stop me?" I'd tasted the scent of humans, I knew the uncontrollably urge I would have to drink from them if we went anywhere near them yet Carlisle was insisting that we do that very thing._

"_You can control yourself. Just don't breath and listen to my voice." Ever patient Carlisle motioned for me to follow. We were approaching a hobo camp along a railroad track. I judged them to be a dozen or more. Unlike the humans near our home, these transients would have no family, no one to miss them, it would be so simple to sneak in and snatch one, just a taste, no one would miss…_

"_Edward!" Carlisle's sharp tone brought me back._

"_You must focus on me, on my thoughts. Don't breath and do not think of the humans. We will stay well clear of them, but the temptation will be strong, you will want to feed. You mustn't. Do you understand?"_

_I nodded, swallowing a mouth full of venom. Even Carlisle's mention of the word human, made the thirst in my throat ache._

"_You can do this, son." _

_Had he just called me son? It wasn't the first time. Periodically over our seven months together he'd said it. When he realized it, he looked apologetic, but he often didn't realize it, referring to me as son was almost second nature to him now. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I couldn't really remember my human father. Now and then I would be reminded of a tall graying man in a distinguished looking suit holding out his arms to me in the door way of our home and would recognize him as my human father, but more often than not, I barely remembered I had ever had a father. So hearing Carlisle calling me son, somehow made me feel safer, like I belonged, like he considered me more than just his creation and companion and that he wouldn't make me leave if I did something wrong. Something like feeding off of humans._

"_Very good Edward. I told you, you could do it." Carlisle was beaming at me. _

_I cocked my head listening for voices. Still hearing them I looked at Carlisle skeptically, but then I tested the air and could smell no sign of them. We truly were out of range and I hadn't even thought about breaking away from Carlisle. _

_I smiled at him tentatively. "It wasn't that hard once I stopped breathing….fa….Carlisle." It felt wrong to call him Father. He was barely older than I in human years; but I wanted too._

_Edward?_

* * *

I was being summoned. It wouldn't due to ignore it. They would just come and get me and the sooner this was over with, the sooner I could settle back into my memories. I unwrapped myself and found the source of the voice, Cameron, with Mary waiting in the killing field, otherwise known as the courtyard. The remnants of Michael had scattered with the wind, but the black soot and scorched weeds left no doubt that his execution had been real. I stood silently by them as we waited for the others to come with their prisoner. At least he would make it here alive, but from Cameron's thoughts I knew that his fate had already been decided.

"Are you listening to him Edward?" Cameron whispered; they would be within our hearing now. _We would rather he not know of your gift until you can read him._

Did it matter? I couldn't see how, but I didn't say anything. I didn't care.

The captive was young, extremely young, even younger than me in human years. He was petrified, so much so that his mind was clogged with thoughts one tumbling over the other. I had a hard time deciphering where one thought ended and another one began.

Cameron wasted no time with the interrogation.

"Who sent you? Which coven?"

"No one sent me, please. I'm just passing through."

"Just passing through? What kind of fool do you take me for? What is your name?" Cameron demanded.

This was not the first time he'd interrogated someone. Through his memories I saw others, the same questions, similar responses, that was, until the torture started. I shuddered, catching Mary's concerned glance.

"My name is Quentin. I'm telling the truth. I'm not from any coven….please." He was clasping and unclasping his hands, his eyes darting to Cameron who he understood to be the coven leader, than Daniel, than back to Mary, lingering on Mary; she was doing her best to dazzle him.

The newborns were on the perimeter, but I could feel their need growing. One of them, Stewart was to be given the honors of dismemberment, much to Rico's disappointment. Apparently there was some civility in them. At least they took turns.

"It's rather peculiar that you would be traveling through this region, known for its violence," Mary said, her fingers running through her thick blond hair, amused as Quentin's eyes followed her gently stroking.

"I didn't know about that. I just know the feeding is good here in the south, less suspicious." He bowed his head, obviously trying to break Mary's spell.

"Liar! Enough of this." Cameron spat. The newborns inched forward, anticipating…

_Edward? Please make sure you make no mistakes this time. _His words left little doubt what he meant. His collection was enough to convince me.

But I didn't need to listen further. Everything from Quentin's thoughts suggested it was just as he said. He was passing through. I could get nothing of his motivations. There was no back-story behind his words. He was in the south, just passing through, feeding here was good.

"He's telling the truth," I mumbled. They all heard me and Quentin looked up quickly, his face first showed confusion, then understanding, his eyes widening as he looked at me, seeing me for the first time.

"I see." Cameron's disappointment mirrored most of the others. _And you're sure about that?_

"Yes," I replied noting the bewilderment of the newborns who didn't understand that their master was speaking to me in his thoughts.

"You….you….can read minds?" Quentin sputtered, his eyes wide, his face contorting in fear.

I ignored him. Was I sure? Even I knew thoughts could be hidden, disguised and even faked. It didn't escape me that he recognized and accepted my mind reading abilities understood that it was even possible; quite impressive for a young nomadic vampire.

I listened harder, feeling both Cameron and Mary watching me closely. They seemed pacified that I was still studying Quentin's thoughts, still searching for lies.

And in his thoughts, I saw the monologue over and over. _I'm in the south, just passing through, feeding here was good…I'm in the south, just passing through, feeding here was good…..I'm in the south, just passing through, feeding here was good_. And then I saw….just a flicker, a slip of concentration and it was all I could do not to gasp out loud.

"Edward, are you sure he is telling the truth?" Cameron asked again.

I thought of my family, the risk I'd put them in. They would have no warning of the danger, not with Nicholas being…held like he was. And I thought of _them_, that horrific collection and being part of that, spending all of eternity in a conscious bodiless state, I couldn't risk that, risk my family, I just couldn't. But in Quentin's mind just for a brief instant between his repetitive explanation, I saw that one word that would set me free, set me free and finally stop this evil and in that one moment of weakness I felt the words forming on my tongue and I turned to Cameron, my face revealing none of my inner turmoil and with the words I spoke next, I would seal my fate one way or another and finally end this.

"Yes he's telling the truth."

My eyes slipped from Cameron's to Quentin's and his eyes didn't widen in shock, he displayed no emotion on his youthful face at all. He was young in human years but not so young in vampire years, he had an iron grip on his control now. He looked at me with what…gratitude, understanding, kinship; his thoughts suddenly cleared and he left me with one word that stood out above all others.

_Volturi._

* * *

_**Author notes: **_

_**I'm interested in what people have to say about a vampire being able to survive minus a body. Everything I've read in SM's books suggests it is possible. A vampire does not need to eat to survive. Blood is absorbed by the body (or in this case the head), the organs don't function or serve a purpose and nothing is pumped through the veins, not even venom.**_

_**And as my theory goes, their brain would continue to function until it was burned. The reason the vampire has no smell is that their essence has been drained; there is nothing to contain the venom which in my view is the one distinguishing feature of every vampire.**_


	9. Solution

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**WARNING: Graphic vampire violence, disturbing images and suicidal thoughts.**_

* * *

"What is wrong with you?"

I opened my eyes slowly and sighed. The young vampire was eyeing me suspiciously, observing, I presumed, my uncontrollable rocking and tremors that despite my attempts to control them, would be noticed by an attentive vampire.

"I don't know," I answered honestly enough. There was no reason to make excuses. The entire coven knew of my bizarre twitches, tremors and rocking despite my attempts to conceal them. Quentin had known me less than a day but now that the initial shock of his capture had worn off, he had the opportunity to observe his new surroundings which included me.

Before his barrage of silent questions, I had been thinking about Alice and Bella's attempts to make a cake for Emmett's human birthday. It wouldn't be a cake he could eat but Bella appeared excited at the prospect of celebrating that human milestone and she validated her reasons for going through the trouble by informing the entire family that she would have a piece for all of us. The cake as it turned out, ended up in the trash. Alice's interference and assurance she could make something as simple as a birthday cake had resulted in a batter with too many eggs and not enough flour and it was clearly inedible, even by human standards. Their laughter was as musically sweet as any composition by Debussy and I played it over and over in my mind ignoring the polite attempts by the Volterra vampire to engage me in conversation.

I wasn't exactly sure how I became his unofficial caretaker, but presumably it had something to do with my involvement in saving him from dismemberment and burning. I had no justifiable explanation for interfering with Cameron's plan to destroy the vampire even after I'd convinced him he wasn't a spy. I could only conclude that it was another example of my poor judgment risking my family again with my deceit and insubordination to save a vampire I didn't know And here he was invading my space, waiting for me to formulate a more coherent answer to a question, I'd heard in his thoughts several times but had deliberately ignored. Now he'd voiced it aloud and it would be rude to continue to disregard him.

"Spending any amount of time in this coven will do that to you," I managed to reply, hearing additional questions form in his mind about my relationship to the coven and how long I'd been there. I adjusted my body still locked in my arms and purposely faced away from him, assuming he'd read my body language and leave me alone.

Convincing Cameron that Quentin was telling the truth about traveling through the southern regions just to feed hadn't been as difficult as convincing him not to kill the young one anyway. I saw in his thoughts that he was ready to summon Stewart to begin the dismemberment just as the captive thought he'd escaped a certain death sentence. Taking a chance I'd spoken up playing on Cameron's biggest weakness and strongest desire; his quest to emulate the Volturi, his desire to rule over the West as the Vulturi did in the old country. The doomed vampire who's thoughts had so clearly left me with the impression that he was part of the Volturi guard could have a gift. It would be most likely that he did. But I couldn't ask him outright and he had no reason to think about it as he pondered whether he would live or die. So in that moment I took another chance."

"He has a gift," I said simply, the intensity of my stare willing him to look at me.

The young vampire gasped, but I could not determine if that was in response to my lie or his perception that I could identify he had a gift at all. I tried to use my abilities in reverse, tried to induce him to read my mind so that he would understand it important to admit it if it were true and lie if in the unlikely event it was not.

"A gift, you say?" Cameron's interest was notable in his voice and the slight shake of his head to Daniel, conceivably warding off an ambush by one of the newborns. "And what is his gift?"

"I'm not sure. He's hiding it from me." I was treading in dangerous waters now. If Quentin didn't see that I was risking all to save him, I would be exposed for my deception and everything I'd said prior to it would also be under suspicion.

"You there. If you want to live tell us of your gift?" Cameron had inadvertently given him permission to lie. Not just given him permission, but suggested the alternative if he did not.

I held my breath needlessly as I waited for his response. And in his thoughts, I got it. He revealed it to me just by contemplating if it was wise to speak of it or not. I did not wait for him to mutter out a reply.

"He can smell things where others cannot. He has the ability to pick up scents from great distances." The words rolled from my tongue as I read them in his mind. "He can distinguish the scents in the most diluted form; old scents, those compromised by time, weather or other scents."

It made sense. There was little in the way of details in the young vampire's mind. How he was captured? Why he was alone? Where was the rest of the guard? But if he were out scouting on his own, his unique talent serving to alert him to vampire scents that the others could not pick up, he could cover a greater territory and report back to the rest of the guard once he had a clear reading of the whereabouts of the next coven.

"Is this true? Is that your gift?" Cameron exclaimed, a calculated smile had appeared on his lips.

Quentin looked at me tensely, waiting for me to reveal the rest, his lies about being a nomad, his connections to the Vulturi, but I only nodded in his direction a gesture that could be interpreted any number of ways, but I meant it as offering; permission to speak of it.

"Yes," he finally said quietly and with great reluctance.

I suspected silence and discretion were honed into the guard and loose lips could be met with a quick and abrupt end to one's existence.

"That's why…that's why I'm here. I could smell them, so many humans nearby."

I cringed. Deception was not Quentin's forte or he would understand that he would also be able to smell all the vampires, the sheer numbers would have sent a nomad fleeing from the area. But Cameron wasn't interrogating any more. His thoughts had drifted to how he could utilize this gift, use it against his enemies. Quentin had suddenly become a very valuable addition to his coven.

And so I'd been entrusted with the young vampire, I suspected because I was one of the few that would not be so inclined to kill him.

We could not speak aloud of my deception, my lie to save him, but once we were alone, his thoughts became an open book as he revealed his mission, the mission of the Volturi. The excessive deaths in the region had reached Volterra. Mass graves were being discovered holding dozens of decomposing bodies. Government officials were blaming the surge of killings on drug cartels. The local authorities were short on specifics; the accounts of the deaths _were under investigation _as the bodies were quickly reburied with little effort made to find out the truth behind the deaths, the fear of the cartels doing much to curtail motivation of local law enforcement officials. The lack of diligence bode well for the surrounding covens, decade's worth of uninvestigated killings leaving them free to continue their creation of newborns.

That was until the Volturi decided it was enough. Too many broken rules, too much media coverage; the antics of the southern covens could no longer be ignored. Already several covens had been disposed of. Quentin was out searching for the next one when he'd stumbled upon the scent of Rachael and Roberto. He hadn't realized there were more until he was surrounded and ran down by the newborns. He'd been lucky to have made it back here alive at all. But he wasn't desolate with his circumstances. The guard knew where he was. He would be easy to track; it was only a matter of time before the others showed up.

Initially, he'd held their identities hidden, but then their faces started to appear in his thoughts; familiar faces. With each identity revealed, I felt a constriction in my chest and a combination of dread and relief. It was the elite guard. There would be no chance of survival. The unspeakably evil coven I resided in was to be no more and with it I too would perish. There would be no second chances, no pardons for ignorance and guilt by association faced comparable punishment. I calculated that I had mere hours left and after pulling from Quentin's mind everything that foretold of my fate, I waved him away from me, turning my back to him and huddled in my corner of the demolished space that served as my quarters. I thought of every pleasant memory I had of Bella and my family having little tolerance for his interruptions with trivial questions. I was running out of time.

* * *

There was no warning, no sounds of alarm, no cries for help when the Volturi finally arrived. I wouldn't have been aware of anything at all had not Quentin abruptly moved to the gaping hole in the wall, his talent for discerning scents in full use as he hungrily sucked in the breezes that had picked up as dawn approached.

_They're coming. _

I heard it clearly enough, a shout in my head, his excitement barely contained.

I did not unwrap myself, but found that the news kept me momentarily stuck in reality. I was listening for them, anticipating their appearance. If my heart could beat, it would have been pounding wildly in my chest. I was not so blasé about dying that I could ignore my pending doom as much as I might have wanted too. Thoughts of Bella could not distract me and even ruminating over my numerous mistakes over the past century which usually would leave me berating myself for hours at a time, failed to divert me from the coming calamity and my eventual death.

I heard one shout of a newborn, Rico. A warning, then the turbulent racing of his mind as he tried to absorb the significance of the smells that oscillated in the swirling winds. He assumed they were being invaded by a neighboring coven and he'd sounded the alarm. In the distance, the others were called in. They hadn't been that far away. I could pick up the excitement of the battle. They had little fear, confidence in their capabilities evident despite their recent defeats in battle; the ignorance and invincibility of youth, prevalent as much in young vampires as it was in young humans.

It wasn't long before I heard _her_. Jane, her gift alone the most powerful, the one that commanded the most respect and with her I knew Alec was near, bound to her as if she were his mate, rather than his sister. They were following Quentin's scent, untroubled by the subsequent scents of the newborns. This was what they did, what they were made for, why they existed. To find a large concentrated odor of vampires did not strike fear in their hearts as it would most of us. Instead it was what they sought and they viewed each large find as a victory, a success with only the nonessential details of disposing of the violators still left to be resolved.

In Jane's thoughts I saw her mild annoyance that Quentin had been captured, but she wasn't wary with this new information. She had little to fear from an attack by a coven alerted to their advances. There was no trepidation at the possibility of an ambush, her gift too formidable for any coven to defend against. As Felix and then Demetri approached, their minds jumped from one conclusion to another as they took in the scents and searched for the telltale burning ash of their companion, while calculating the number of vampires that awaited them. Quentin did not have the knowledge to question me on my abilities or what I heard, but his enhanced sense of smell did offer him some insight not afforded by my own and he was aware that they approached though not the specifics of their thoughts that offered little in the way of concern for his well being.

I found nothing particularly revealing in their musings until they happened on the place that I had hunted only days before. Unable to hear them outside of my gift I could only surmise their reaction when they discovered and recognized my scent. Through each of their eyes I was able to view their amazed and shocked expressions as they categorized and identified it in seconds.

"They're coming…they're coming," Quentin chanted quietly under his breath and I wondered if it would be prudent for me to remind him that there were other ears nearby that could still hear him. He would not be protected from the rages of the coven master and mistress nor any of the newborns until Jane was within visual distance and perhaps not even then. It would be just like her to disregard his life, her annoyance at his capture taking precedence over any displeasure Aro might feel should he be killed.

The little time I had to recognize that I was potentially facing the final hour of my life was enough of a depressant to keep me from offering any warning to the vampire I'd just met not a half day before. I struggled for a grip on my memories, something I could latch onto that would pull me down and away from my rapidly diminishing existence, but the thoughts of the Volturi as they approached the coven was so intently fascinating that my attention could not be distracted.

There was no apparent alarm from Cameron and Mary who'd slipped away to hunt and Daniel's thoughts were not within my range so the leaders of the coven were still oblivious to the danger that awaited them. Within minutes I heard the first faint screams of a young vampire mired under Jane's intense powers as she first tortured than had Felix dismember, behead and burn it. I thought the vampire might have been Rachael, but the terror in its mind revealed nothing of its identity and the sounds of death could have been from a male or female.

Next came the newborns; Rico and Spencer the third one Clemente and the fourth whose name I never bothered to learn. As newborns they were ignorant in the gifts of the Volturi and assuming their strength in numbers would be enough, they'd attacked simultaneously. I stayed in the minds of the Volturi, not wanting to experience the young ones' death first hand. Their shocked expressions quickly changed to one of agony as they were paralyzed by Jane's powers than quickly subdued in their disorientation by Felix and Demetri. Hasty dismemberment of a limb was enough to distract them until all were meticulously decapitated and burned in a roaring fire set by Alec. Jane's twin remained surprisingly passive, his gift, as powerful if not more so than his sister's, but it offered little in the way of pain which was such a tangible part of the Volturi lore.

The frantic thoughts of Mary and Cameron drew me away from carnage of the newborns, as they, upon returning from their hunt had only enough time to decipher the danger before attempting to run from their doomed coven. The scents of the guard though not specifically familiar to either of them, did trigger some suspicion that the attack was indeed from the Vulturi. The presence of four vampires would not normally be enough to take down their coven unless the attackers were particularly gifted. They could hear the slaughter of the exceedingly strong newborns as easily as I, the pitiful pleas for mercy fading as the fire burned higher.

I did not try to stop Quentin with words of warning as he fled from the house and ran to the smells of the others. Only Daniel and Roberto remained unaccounted for and I was sure that Roberto would not find it in him to attack Quentin given the current extenuating circumstances. Cameron and Mary were attempting to flee but Demetri was on their scent now. It would be forever etched in his mind. He would be able to use it to track them anywhere in the world, so even if they managed to escape, they were already doomed.

I began counting the minutes of my rapidly dwindling life, each tick of a nonexistent timepiece bringing me that much closer to the end of my one hundred and nine years of existence. I was reminded of a time as a newborn when it was just Carlisle and I. The fear I'd felt each night when he left for his shift at the hospital, my hours alone faced with unrelenting dread, fearful that I might succumb to my bloodlust without his steady thoughts to guide me. I would watch the minute hand of the huge Seth Thomas grandfather clock in his study slowly counting down the time before he would reappear, the nightly routine excruciatingly slow given I now faced an eternal life

I never shared with Carlisle, how scared I'd been when he left me alone, waiting for those hours to pass as I pretended to read from his vast library, but spent most of my time watching the face of that accurate old clock. It was only when the hour hand was at six, the minute hand at twelve and the chimes would start, clamoring like a large church bell, deafening to my highly sensitive hearing that my anxiety would subside. Carlisle shift had ended and he would be stepping out of the hospital into a back alley behind it and heading home to protect me from the monster that roared within me, barely under control, the thirst of the beast threatening to override my desire to adhere to his values.

The feeling I had now was similar only in recognizing the importance of time and how little control I had over it. Whereas then I'd watch that clock and felt relief with each passing minute, now I watched that same big grandfather clock locked in the memories of my mind, but this time as it counted down each minute, I was nearer to facing my death and oddly I was no longer comforted by the idea of it.

I heard more screams, these were close, if not in the courtyard, certainly not too far out of it. There were pleas before Jane rendered them incoherent garble. It was Roberto and for the first time I felt some remorse towards one of their deaths. The tragedy of a life lost affecting me only in that he was never given an opportunity to escape from here and learn that there was more to being a vampire than slaughtering humans and terrorizing and killing others of our kind.

I heard Felix call my name, not in my thoughts, but out loud. They would know I was near and perhaps they considered it a sign of respect to call me out rather than to have to come and search for me, dragging me kicking and screaming to my inevitable end. But I wouldn't be summoned. My time for obedience was over. My family was no longer in jeopardy with the demise of this coven and for the first time in weeks, I felt relief. I would no longer be ruled by the threat that hung over their heads, my deeds would no longer impact their lives; my bad choices would no longer become their burden.

Better that I was felled by the Volturi then suffer under the rule of a coven that had no morals, no values, and no sense of responsibility to others. There would be something slightly admirable in being destroyed by the most powerful coven of vampires in the world. And my death would not be undocumented, my fate forever unknown. It would be remembered. There would be someone to share the news, however unwelcomed with those I'd once known and loved. It was this knowledge I took with me as I drifted again.

* * *

I called it my summer of Bella, after the incident with James but before her fateful birthday party. She spent almost all of her free time with my family and I, first recovering from her injuries, then blossoming under my family's love and attention. They saw her as my mate, a daughter, a sister and she was adopted as one of us even as she still lived, her heart still beat, her blood still flowed. It was the most contented time in my life and would have been the happiest except for her persistence requests, some subtle, some quite audacious, to be changed, turned into one of us, into the undead, into a bloodthirsty monster.

Still, I valued our time together, relished her humanness, delighted in a world I could show her that had long grown tiresome for me but through her eyes became new and exciting again as she greeted each new experience with delight and joy. And her love, I basked in it. The warmth of it did more to pull me from the self loathing cloak I'd always shrouded myself in, than anything had in the past ninety plus years. With her presence, I discovered a new kinship with my family, my relationship with them evolving into something more. I was their equal, one of a mated pair, no longer the third wheel, the one they had to include or hide their joy with their mated status lest I feel excluded. It was a good summer. A good memory.

* * *

I thought I heard my name again and I listened and waited but instead was drawn into the conversation between Cameron and Jane. He was pleading his case, she was listening politely, patiently, but she was thinking about how his face would contort in agony under her burning gaze. She was trying to decide who she would kill first, him or Mary, understanding that the bigger agony lay with the one who was forced to watch the other die.

As Cameron laminated his position to protect himself by creating an army that he claimed was wholly under his control, their feedings discreet and not in violation of any of the Volturi laws, Jane decided she would kill Mary first. His self importance irritating her, his denials, an insult to what they had witnessed as no coven could possibly contain four newborns and turning so many at once was strictly forbidden.

I had no strong feelings about it but I tried not to listen which was an effort in futility. I heard Mary's screams clearly enough and the moans of Cameron as he agonized over his mate's suffering, held firmly in the grip of Felix as Jane drew out the torture for longer than was needed to make her point. The smells of Mary's burning corpse didn't escape my notice and her terrorized thoughts as she slowly burned to death were impossible to disregard, so for the first time since I'd returned from that place, I thought of Cameron's collection of heads, one horror distracting me from another, a memory distracting me from a reality and I almost managed to drown out the sounds of his torture and death.

It was done then; my new coven had been annihilated and it had hardly taken half the morning. The efficiency of the Volturi was impressive, their thoroughness complete. I'd not heard Daniel die but I'd assumed that was an oversight on my part, the Volturi didn't miss anyone. So it wasn't a surprise as Cameron's corpse still smoldered that I felt the presence of them, their soundless footsteps stilled as they stood around me. The five of them.

I saw myself through Jane's eyes, curled in a ball, my back to them, dressed in my tattered dirty clothes, the same ones I'd left Forks in so many weeks ago. I could visibly see the tremors of my body and I silently cursed myself for lack of control as it appeared I was trembling in fear and I was long past feeling an emotion as simple as that.

"Edward?" Jane's sweet musical voice purred out my name.

"Jane," I replied, but I declined to untangle myself or turn toward her.

"What a surprise to find you here and in such a condition. Too bad we don't have time to hear your story. I'm sure it would be fascinating," She said, sounding absolutely delighted.

"Not so fascinating," Came my reply. I would not delay the inevitable.

"Jane. I don't think we should be so quick to destroy him. He helped me. Lied for me," Quentin interjected.

I was surprised he spoke up. I understood that even the other members of the guard were reluctant to draw Jane's attention. She could be quick to use her gift if she was irritated.

"Ahhh yes. Saved you from your own stupidity, but is that really so admirable?"

Quentin withered under her attention, his regret at his outspokenness evident in his expression.

"Perhaps he saved your life in an effort to save his own. But he is as guilty as the rest and so he must die as the rest." Her sing song voice held no regret.

"Jane, we must think of Aro's wishes. He may want Edward returned to him."

I was shocked to hear Alec speak against his sister. I suspected it was a rare occurrence by the sudden indecision I saw in her mind.

"Aro, isn't here. I'm in charge. I must do what is right, what is the law. There are no exceptions," She spoke methodically and then leaning over me, she whispered. "Besides, I do think we'd be doing him a great service. Isn't that right Edward? Then you can go be with your Bella."

I gasped and without thinking sprung to my feet, spinning to face her, ignoring her comrades who jumped forward to protect her, as if she needed any protection.

"How do you know about Bella?"

"We were there the day she died, don't you remember?" Jane smiled, tilting her head thoughtfully at me.

It took me a second but then it came back. Carlisle's sad face. His brief hug before he ran back to the clearing leaving me with Esme and Alice and my dead Bella. He'd gone back to intercept the Volturi, Jane and the rest of them. Of course he would have told them about Bella's death.

"You should have turned her; she'd be alive today if you had. What a waste." Felix smirked, his eyes not leaving mine. In his mind I saw his memories of Bella, his desire for her and it wasn't just for her blood.

A rumbling growl escaped my lips and I crouched, my lips pulling back from my teeth. Their smugness at Bella's death was torturous. I wouldn't just lay here and die. I would go out proudly, perhaps take one with me. It would be a good death; Emmett would be pleased. I couldn't touch Jane, but Felix was a possibility.

"Edward, be a good boy now. We wouldn't want to hurt you before we kill you," Jane cooed. "Aro would be displeased if I tortured one of Carlisle's offspring. A quick death would be so much more fitting don't you think?"

I straightened. Blinked. A thought occurred to me that pre-empted my murderous rage against Felix. The _heads_. The Volturi could help with the heads. They suffered in their existence. It was my obligation to release them. The one good thing I could do. The last good thing I could do.

I turned from Felix to Jane. Her eyes were suddenly wary. My expression had softened, turned contemplative.

"After I'm…gone, you have to take care of the rest," I whispered. "There are more, not far from here, in a church, southeast. Just go south. You'll find it. They…they don't really have a scent, the odor is odd, but that should be enough to get you there. You'll understand."

Jane smiled, a puzzled expression on her face. "What are you prattling about?"

"There are more vampires in a church. They're harmless, they can't hurt you, but…but you need to kill them," I said, frustrated at her failure to understand me. "They are in the church. You must burn the church."

I saw Jane glance at her twin who was staring at me in confusion. Their thoughts revealed their mutual feelings that I'd gone completely mad, no longer speaking rationally, thus my comments were not to be taken seriously.

"I am not insane!" I snapped, running my fingers through my filthy hair. In Jane's eyes, I looked insane. "You must go to the church. You don't even have to go inside. But it must be burned."

"You will come with us, show us this church." Jane said.

"I won't." I was barely able to find the words to speak. Go back to that church? Hear the thoughts of those…those heads? I could not. Not even to end their suffering. I would not go back. Not alive. Never. I shook my head, as I saw Felix approach. "I won't go."

"Edward, don't make this difficult on yourself. If it's so important, you must show us," Jane said pleasantly.

"No." I held up my hand to Felix. I was sorry I'd mentioned it. I should have just let it be. They would have found them. A sweep of the area would have revealed that nondescript but highly unusual scent. Quentin with his gift would have found them. I backed away from Felix; thoughts of fighting him, killing him, no longer a reality. He would subdue me easily enough. It was absurd to think I could injury him, not with the others, the gift of the twins, Demetri there to step in. They needed to go away now.

My back hit the wall of the room; pieces of it crumbled off and fell at my feet. I slid down. I wouldn't fight. They could end me now, but I was not going back to the church of horror. I read their thoughts; they were bombarding me with them. My ability to block them decidedly weaker given my current mental softness. Quentin's were full of pity. Such a compassionate vampire. He had potential outside the guard. Too bad Carlisle wasn't here to guide him. Alec was worried about Aro. He did not want to displease his master by killing me, thus destroying my gift. He had to convince his sister that it would be wise to reconsider. Demetri thought I was insane; he'd seen it in others, he was leery of me, understanding that in my insanity I could be dangerous. Felix thought only of how he would take me down, his strong arms once wrapped around me would be enough to secure me and Jane was curious. She was not worried about displeasing Aro, he would forgive her, whatever her transgressions, but my reaction amused her, she wasn't done playing with me yet.

I felt Felix's massive hands pulling me to my feet. My growls were not enough to warn him and my struggles were having little effect. I would not go back. Roaring I jerked free of him and swung at him wildly. I connected with his head and he staggered back but Demetri was there. His hands on me throwing me through the undamaged wall of the room. Now there were two gaping holes. When I was able to stop the momentum of my tumbling, I jumped to my feet. I would run. They would catch me eventually but for now I would get as far away from the church as I could. They wouldn't bring me back.

The thought had barely formulated in my mind and I hadn't even taken a step towards escape when I felt the burning. It started in my spine and exploded through my nerve endings. I knew this feeling and this time I screamed. Scaring Bella was no longer a concern and it hurt. But even the pain was better than reliving the nightmare of that church. This was it then. I would be disabled by Jane and torn to shreds by the others. I wasn't human so my life didn't flash before my eyes, but my vampire brain could recall every memory, I just had to focus on them. But it happened too fast. Jane's special brand of torture was gone and Felix's arms closed around me. I didn't struggle, not until I felt us moving. Why were we moving?

"Are we going the right way Edward?" Jane's voice again.

"No. please. I can't go back there." It wasn't over yet. They were going the right way.

I tried a new tactic. I would not think about it. I would think about something else, something so shocking, so horrifying it would distract me; the memory of Bella's cold flesh pressed against mine, her unbeating heart, her eyes, the lids only partially closed, not seeing me, cold, lifeless. But I couldn't hold it. I was too aware of the familiar scents of the landscape, the path I'd gone just days before with my now doomed coven. I struggled against the grip around my chest that held me aloft. Felix was much stronger than Emmett. I could break Emmett's grasp, could slide under it. But Felix's was a vise, formable, unyielding. Any flailing and kicking on my part was met with chuckles.

Quentin was out front, I had my eyes closed but I could see him through Jane's, perhaps a mile ahead. He was sniffing the air for that odor I couldn't describe and as I knew he would, his head snapped abruptly when he picked it up. I felt the pace quicken. This wasn't like that last time when I was practically dragged along with the others; this time my feet didn't touch the ground at all as I was carried forward. When the dead scent hit my nostrils it spurred a new round of struggles and despite my best attempts to remain somewhat dignified in my final moments, I'd begun to whimper, unable to contain the sounds that I felt gurgling up from some where in my chest.

We slowed as the village and more importantly the little church came into view. Now the vampires were cautious. It was as I described. They had considered me unstable, insane in my ramblings yet what I said was coming to fruition. What was in that church that was so horrifying it would cause one of their own to whimper and struggle, even seek death rather than be subject to experiencing it again? They believed now, at least in part that there was something unspeakable in that church. But they weren't going to burn it. Not immediately. They were going to investigate, view for themselves what horrors lay within.

The sounds that emanated from me were neither exclusively vampire, nor entirely human. A combination of the species made for a chorus of whimpers, moans, howls and the more aggressive snarls, rumbles and hisses. None of them had any impact on Felix who entered the church with some concerns for his safety, unable to defend himself while holding me, the deranged withering spitting vampire that so desperately tried to struggle free of his unrelenting grip. Demetri and Quentin had entered first and were inspecting the church much as I had the week before. Jane and Alec stood in the doorway, blocking out the sunlight that did little to improve our already excellent vision, but created a less ominous atmosphere when the church was swathed in its rays.

I could hear the whispers and mumblings just as before and just as before I could only hear hints of words and attempts at sentences, but nothing specific. Yet in the unintelligible mummers, the horror of their existence was somehow communicated. The others still could not see them, but I did and this time I was able to pick up the decipherable difference in the tones. They were aware of our presence. The tempo of their thoughts discerniblymore clear, more attune then when we were still approaching. The fact that I had missed this the first time was a blissful ignorance I could no longer claim to have. They knew we were in the church.

"Oh my God," Quentin whispered when he finally spotted the macabre scene on the altar.

Demetri didn't have to say anything, nor did he. He'd already seen them, standing transfixed in light of the ghastly scene before him. But it wasn't until he saw the movement; a twitch under a sunken eye that he truly absorbed what he was witnessing. I felt a slight satisfaction when I saw him step back, his lips working as he tried to speak. I wasn't the only one that viewed the bodiless collection of vampires as horrific. Even one of the mighty Vulturi guard appeared stunned.

As Felix attempted to move closer, I bucked and withered against his grip wildly. His fingers tightened around my throat in annoyance. He wanted to see and didn't appreciate my distraction. My hands were free and in a vain attempt to block the sounds of the heads I covered my ears, allowing the noises from my lips to escalate, hoping the volume would drown them out but understanding that I wasn't _hearing_ their thoughts in a traditional sense and only the skill I'd spent a century developing, could keep their thoughts unvoiced. But the ability to willfully block thoughts was no longer within my grasp and Carlisle wasn't there to help me silence the voices like he'd done when I was still young.

Jane and Alec had moved forward, recognizing that they faced no danger. I saw their hands grip each other, not out of a need to comfort but with enthusiasm, the unfamiliar delight of witnessing something new. Again I was reminded how we lived such tedious lives, surprises were rare and to be celebrated regardless of the horror.

"Master will be very interested in this," Jane said softly.

Despite my own slipping sanity, I had to admire her fortitude and dedication. She was staring at each individual head, burning it into her memory to be shared later with Aro as he viewed them through his touch. Even I could not imagine showing the same such commitment and consideration if Carlisle had been blessed with such a gift.

A noise drew Jane's attention and she turned and looked at me. Without conscious thought, I'd slide into her mind and viewed myself from her eyes. What I saw startled me. I didn't recognize myself. My fingers were curled around my ears, pulling at them, my eyes were wild and unfocused and worst of all my lips were pulled back in an agonizing grimace, my teeth chattering, the noise drawing her attention. It occurred to me that the only way I might hang onto some semblance of sanity was to view myself as a separate entity from the more rational minds of others, not that I necessarily thought of Jane as rational.

I slide from her mind and tried to focus, finally viewing her face through a blurry haze as she contemplated my destruction.

"Can you hear them Edward?" she said with a smile, knowing from my reaction that I could.

"Aro would be interested in those thoughts," Alec spoke slowly, his eyes on his sister.

Jane sighed. "Yes I suppose he would. Very well then."

Mercifully we left the church and I was dumped on the ground. Certainly not far enough away to stop the voices, but I found being outside helped and I focused on Jane; her terrifying mind enough to keep the sounds of the others away.

"Burn the church," She said to no one in particularly. But Felix and Quentin were only too eager to comply. "There are you happy now Edward?"

Was I happy? I didn't think so, but at least the sounds of the heads would be silenced.

"I suppose you won't be obedient and come with us quietly."

I stared at Jane's lips as she spoke as if the visual conformation of the question would make it more clear to me.

"Come with?" I asked mutely.

She sighed again. "Back to Aro. He will want to read you."

Then she grinned. I saw it in her mind and I jumped to my feet. The tremors were doing something to my coordination and I felt myself sway.

"Oh don't worry Edward, it was just a thought." She giggled.

Alec and Demetri looked on confused. Of course they would be, they didn't have my abilities. They wouldn't know that Jane, however briefly had contemplated taking only my head back to her master.

As if that one terrifying image wasn't enough, I was drawn to the sounds from the church; the sounds of vampires burning. There was no doubt now that they could recognize their surroundings, understand their circumstances and experience pain. The sounds of their silent screams clarified that for me and as I grabbed the sides of my head, uselessly covering my ears, I felt my legs go and I fell to the ground. In my brain I flipped through memory after memory, grabbing at each one as they went by, trying to hold onto one, trying to let myself be taken over by it, but it wasn't until I heard Jane's voice through the screams and my own pathetic sounds that I felt hope.

"Alec, be a dear and take care of him for me."

And then, just a fraction of a second later, my pleas were answered. I heard nothing; all of it was gone. I was gone.

Peace.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**In case it isn't obvious, Edward is not dead. It will just be easier to get him on the private plane to Italy if he is disabled in some way. Please remember that Edward is on a journey that will eventually lead somewhere**_


	10. Strategy

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight settings and characters. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**WARNING: This chapter contains no graphic violence, no suicidal thoughts, no Edward angst and...okay there is still a little angst.**_

* * *

Carlisle's POV

I breathed in my wife's scent deeply; my nose sliding threw her hair. Cupping her head in my hands my fingers slid through her caramel locks trapping her under my tender ministering. I slowly applied kisses to every part of her face from her lips to the part in her hair, before starting all over again. I felt her hands along my back, pulling me to her, the strength of her grip communicating her need to be held, not in the gentle embrace that was part of our daily routine, but tightly, painfully so, as if my crushing grip could squeeze away her sorrow.

The terror over our misunderstanding of Alice's vision had gradually subsided but it had taken almost a week for Esme to regain some control over her volatile emotional breakdowns. Just the thought of Edward's misery would send Esme into a whole new round of hiccupping gasping sobs. Initially she sought comfort from Rosalie or Carmen, banning me from our bedroom, her displeasure over my refusal to consider a rescue attempt, a blow to her confidence in me. But eventually through the cajoling of others, she conceded that it was wrong to blame me for our son's misfortune and welcomed me back with a ferocious passion.

This didn't alleviate my own guilt over my failure to come up with a solution to Edward's situation and the pain I experienced though less vocal than Esme, was certainly just as raw. Alice no longer shared her visions with me, relying on Jasper to relay any relevant information to me after the fact. I suspected they were editing much of it. Alice's face revealed too much pain, too much confusion and on occasion, a glimmer of terror, as she lived her brother's future hour by hour.

I had no answers. Edward's specific whereabouts remained a mystery. Jasper had conclusively determined that Edward was indeed in the south presumably being held against his will by a coven, but beyond that we had nothing. Eleazar offered little in the way of wisdom which frightened me almost as much as Alice's visions. He was the most experienced vampire, the oldest and wisest amongst us. Yet he could offer no solution, no suggestion, nothing that could bring Edward back to me.

I wasn't exactly sure when I seized upon the plan that stood little chance of success, but would allow me the opportunity to attempt to intercede in an almost hopeless set of circumstances. Perhaps as I laid with my wife as I did now, holding her body to mine, whispering endearments that sounded hollow and forced as they gushed from my lips, wondering if she could hear the distraction in my voice, the uncertainty that I was even welcomed in her bed, the privilege of holding her even my right to take.

What kind of husband was I that would not even consider the possibility of trying to save our son; or more importantly what kind of father? Even if the coven Edward was with valued him as Jasper seemed to think it did, I knew Edward was not strong enough, could not survive the depravity that motivated their kind. I'd kept him protected from the harsher reality that propagated our species. His self loathing almost a weight he couldn't bear as it was without adding the burden of a validation of his low opinion of us. He never needed proof of our murderous ways, he'd always assumed we were demonic, more the spawn of hell then the children of God.

I had little doubt given his already fragile state over Bella's death, however accidently it might have been, he would not have the wherewithal to survive whatever tribulations were perpetuated on him or come to terms with any atrocities that he was forced to commit. The only hope I still held of ever seeing my son again, involved rescue and any attempts could easily result in the loss of one or more of us, so how could the tradeoff be justifiable?

It couldn't. In the end that was all I could conclude. I could not sacrifice one of my family members to save another. It was ridiculous to even contemplate it. That was why when all things were considered, it was at my feet that the duty lay. I was the patriarch. Edward was my son, my offspring, I had created him and so it was logical to assign the responsibility of rescuing him to me. I had no intention of sacrificing myself, but I would do my best to find my son and bring him home and I would do it alone.

I kissed the top of my wife's head as she snuggled closer. If things went horribly wrong, this could be the last time I held my wife. Ever. As I pulled her to me I desperately wanted to make love to her one last time. Gently, tenderly, like I had in the first days of our marriage when we were both so new to the experience and she, still held in the grip of human memories that she could not let go of, an abusive husband, the third party that occupied our room for the better part of the first half decade of our marriage.

"What are you thinking about, Carlisle?" Esme whispered against my chest.

She appeared to be sucking in my scent as strongly as I did hers. Did she suspect something? Is that why she gripped me like it might be her last time; our last time together?

"Nothing sweetheart. Nothing important. I find I don't have to think when I'm lying here in your arms and it's very soothing, almost restful." I sighed, sliding my hand down the length of her back, stopping just above the curve of her rounded rear end, not wanting to insinuate something I wouldn't have time to finish. I had to leave for my flight in mere minutes.

Esme caught my restraint and snuggled closer if that was possible, doing her best to press herself against me, communicating her willingness by this subtle act. "What time is your shift?" Her fingers slid through my hair, her tongue flicked out against my chin then along my jaw line, her desire evident as she pushed herself against me.

"Soon darling…very soon." I sighed again. There would be no easy way for me to say goodbye, so I would simply have to refrain from doing so. I could feel her body slump against me, her touches no longer suggestive. It wasn't the first time I had abstained from taking my beautiful wife before a shift, but it could be my last time. I wondered if it would be possible to _call_ the hospital and tell them I would be late. But as quickly as I thought of the idea, I discarded it. I was never late for a shift. The suggestion alone would raise suspicious and Esme had already moved on to other thoughts knowing my passion for her was on par with my passion for my work, at least as it pertained to postponement of our lovemaking.

"Have you talked to Alice, has she seen anything else? I can't bear to ask her. I'm not sure I want to know."

I could feel her tremble. It was a question she'd been reluctant to ask of any of us.

"No. I think we thoroughly petrified them the last time, so we will only be finding things out on a need to know basis," I said with a humorless chuckle. I hoped they would use similar discretion when they searched my future.

Suddenly Esme sat up and looked at me suspiciously. "You'd tell me wouldn't you? Tell me if they saw anything…anything bad? I don't care what it is, I want to know."

I sat up as well pulling her face to me, kissing her sweet full lips. "Sweetheart, do you think I would be able to keep it a secret if anything _bad_ happened."

"No, I suppose not." She pulled her face from my hands and buried them in her own; a new round of sobs bubbling from her lips. "Carlisle, I don't think I can do this."

"Do what sweetheart? Please tell me?" I reached for her but she evaded my arms and slid from the bed, floating to the large window that dominated our southern exterior wall.

I moved to join her, my hands on her shoulders and she leaned her body back against mine. "Please tell me Esme, what can't you do?"

"Nothing Carlisle," She replied in a shaky voice, straightening up against me. "I'm just being silly. You need to leave or you'll be late for your shift."

I tried not to feel hurt over her dismissiveness. I would not be able to hold my wife for some time to come so I didn't want to spoil it with petty feelings of rejection. Slowly, still gripping her shoulders, I turned her around to face me and with a finger under her chin, I tilted her face so I could sink into the depths of her mesmerizing eyes one last time before I left.

"Esme, my beautiful wife. I want you to try not to worry. It will be okay. Trust me. Edward, will come home to us. I need you to believe that. Believe it for me."

If she had been mortal, her eyes would have overflowed with tears but lacking the necessary fluids, they instead widened and she blinked rapidly, her throat working as if she were swallowing a sob. She leaned forward, her lips pressing against mine, parting slightly to allow the invasion of my tongue as she sank into me, drawing me to her, her arms encircling my neck, holding me tightly in a deep meaningful embrace.

I felt in her gestures that she suspected something, but I did not reveal my suspicions and allowed my mouth and tongue to sooth her, the gentle kisses doing much to comfort both our tattered hearts. Embracing her tightly and drawing in on one last taste of her delicious mouth, I pulled away and I left her, feeling it might be the last time I would see my wife again.

The house was quiet, dusk just approaching. It was almost too early to be out hunting but I detected no signs of my family or our guests in the house and I could only surmise that the presence of Esme and I and our emotional devastation had finally become too much for Jasper so with the others to support him, they'd left us in our misery seeking relief in the wild expanses of wilderness we were blessed to live in.

I berated the opportunity to bid them a farewell but understood that it was for the best. I could not trust my control and only a slight slip might reveal my intentions to my already watchful and apprehensive family.

As far as we knew, Edward was in or around Mexico City. According to Jasper there were several covens that claimed to have control of the territories surrounding the city, some well established, others invaders from other areas in the south that had been sorely depleted of its natural resources from over hunting. My only hope in finding Edward would be to run across his scent. I would need luck for that. I would also need to avoid other vampires if I had any chance of surviving.

I reached into my coat pocket and touched a large pendant that I'd tucked there earlier. I'd completely forgotten about it during my cuddling with Esme but fortunately she was too caught up in her own grief to detect the obnoxious piece of metal. She knew what it was; I'd shown it to her in the past. It was the Vulturi seal, centuries old, one of the originals crafted by a thirteenth century artesian. The brothers all wore identical pieces. It had been a gift to me twenty years into my stay with the Volturi. Aro hoped it would be viewed as an unspoken desire to have me join them, perhaps not as an equal, but a trusted friend, a scholar, a spiritual advisor. I'd offered to return it when the day came that I left them for the last time, but Aro was insistent that it might serve me one day and he'd always held hope that I might come back to them to stay.

I had not worn it since I'd made my way to the new world, but I would slip it on when I arrived in Mexico City. I wasn't sure how Mexican covens dealt with the Volturi. Would it command respect or ensure a quick execution? Asking Jasper had not been an option. The shield's significance might even be lost on them, certainly the young ones wouldn't know what it was, but it was always possible that I would run across a leader of a coven from the old country who would understand its relationship to the Volturi and perhaps it could save my life.

My car was parked in the garage under the house. It would be quicker to run to the airport; the darkness would hide me from humans even in the most populated areas once I reached the city, but I had to keep up the charade. Esme would notice if I didn't take my car. So I sucked in one final scent of my family, their odor embedded in the furnishings, the air, the walls of the house and I flew down the stairs fighting the pull of my family's conscience. They would not approve.

I was brought up short by six pairs of eyes staring at me through the inky blackness of the unlit garage. My thoughts were on my strategy to navigate through hostile territory so the startling presence of vampires in the lower level of the house caused an involuntary hiss to escape from my lips.

"Whoa there tough guy, save some of that aggression for those vampires in Mexico." Emmett's good natured taunt was met with groans from the others.

The garage was suddenly flooded with light, the faces of my family and friends revealing a mixture of amusement, disappointment and pain, the dominate emotion depending on who's face it happened to be on. I was speechless.

"You really don't have Edward's skill when it comes to deceiving Alice," Rosalie said, contemptuously.

"Nope, been monitoring you for two days, Carlisle. You are only a minute late," Alice chirped.

I knew my mouth was hanging open as I looked from one face to the other finally resting on Eleazar who was smirking at me.

"Honestly Carlisle. What exactly did you think you were going to do by yourself that would be almost impossible to accomplish with all eight of us." He said dryly. "You haven't acquired any new gifts since last I saw you."

"I...I have to do this." I finally managed to choke out, my feelings of shock, gradually replaced with the knowledge that they would try to stop me, keep me from trying to save my son. My family's interference was an obstacle I was not prepared to deal with, but despite all my ramblings about patience, I could not bear one minute more of inactivity.

"It's impossible, Carlisle; not only impossible, suicidal," Jasper said gravely, rubbing his chin, his eyes sympathetic, but his posture uncompromising. "We are not going to let you kill yourself."

"I must do something," I said, sighing, looking into the faces of each one of my children. "Ultimately I am responsible for Edward. I must bring him home. And you are wrong Eleazar. I do bring some gifts with me. I'm not unskilled in negotiations and I have this." I pulled from my pocket, the Volturi crest, the pendant dangling from the heavy gold chain wrapped in my fingers.

Eleazar's eyebrows rose at the sight of it. "And do you think that will protect you from the covens that know nothing of civility or rules."

I shrugged. "That remains to be seen. Perhaps not, but it couldn't hurt."

"Well then perhaps I should go with you." Eleazar reached around his neck and pulled from beneath his shirt an identical pendant. "Aro must have been fond of you to bequeath such a symbol of status to a guest."

He'd served the guard for centuries, I had only been a visitor for decades, never asked to protect and defend the brothers or submit to the whims of them. The fact that we held the same crest suggested a dismissal of the years of loyal service Eleazar had bestowed upon his masters, but if he felt any resentment he hid it well.

"Any connection to the Volturi will undoubtedly get you killed that much faster." Jasper broke in. He too knew the history of that particular pendant and understood my expectation that it might offer me some protection. "These covens understand that the Volturi's presence represent a death sentence. If there is one member of the guard, there will be more. They may run, but not before they kill you."

"Then I'll need to leave this here with you," I said calmly, holding it out to Jasper. Esme would be waiting for me to leave. I needed to proceed with my plan or she would be drawn to investigate.

"Carlisle, enough," Rosalie snapped. "We are not letting you run off half cocked on some wild goose chase that will result in your death."

"That is not your decision to make," I replied, moving past the group of vampires, keys in hand. "I must leave now before…"

"Before Esme finds out? How could you do this to her, Carlisle?" Leave it to Rosalie to slather on the guilt.

"She will not survive the loss of her son." As I attempted to open the car door, I felt Alice's tiny hand on my arm. I looked at her and with great misgivings I asked the question I'd been dreading for the last two days. "What will happen, Alice?"

Surprisingly she smiled. "You aren't going to Mexico, Carlisle, at least not by yourself. You need to let Carmen and Eleazar take the car, we need to go meet Esme."

My perplexed look was greeted by movement from the others. They had a plan already in place. Before I knew what was happening, my keys were removed from my hand and Eleazar was in my car with his mate in the passenger seat, the garage door slowly opening as the engine roared to life.

I watched my friend drive away in my vehicle, flabbergasted by this turn of events. Surely they understood that I did not need my car to get to the airport. And what did Alice mean by _meet Esme_?

As if she had picked up her brother's talent, she cocked her head, her eyes sparkling in a misplaced sense of mischief. "We have to hurry. We only have thirty two seconds…come."

I was surrounded by my family and they herded me from the garage through the back utility door.

"Wha…at," I tried to ask but was silenced by an annoyed look from Emmett as he pressed his finger to his lips; the universal sign for silence. Obediently I was stilled, the absurdity of the situation, rendering me speechless.

I was even more baffled when we crept along the exterior wall of the house. Had this lunacy been born of Edward's disappearance; was the stress finally taking its toll? What was my family doing?

Finally as we neared the corner of the house, Alice peeked her head around it and motioned me forward. "Now wait right here, Carlisle," she whispered.

As the rest of my family, continued to act like bumbling cat burglars from an old pink panther movie, I stood with my arms crossed, my annoyance growing by the minute. I wasn't sure what game they played, what type of distraction this was, but I had a flight to catch and wasn't going too dissuaded by their shenanigans.

Seconds later, all my questions were answered. I heard the window of our upper floor bedroom slide open and watched astounded, as my wife's feet appeared, hanging over the window sill. Without hesitation, she gracefully propelled herself out of it and landed silently not thirty feet from me, her back slightly turned so she was facing towards the front of the house. I remained quiet, too shocked to utter a sound. She was obviously trying to sneak away, her movements, stealth-like and elusive. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but I could hear Alice's titter and it spurred me to speak.

"Esme, what are you doing?"

She let out a little squeak and spun around seeing me flanked by our children.

"I was…I was…why are you spying on me?" She folded her arms across her chest, matching my own posture, letting a small carryon suitcase fall to the ground.

"Are you going somewhere?" I cocked an eyebrow, studying her outfit, different from what she was wearing only moments before, the answer obvious if I thought to consider the luggage at her feet.

"She's going to rescue Edward," Alice chimed, clapping her hands together, her delight out of place with the circumstances. "The two of you would have been on the same plane together."

As what Alice was saying dawned on me, I saw Esme's eyes widen when she too recognized the connotation of Alice's words.

"Carlisle, aren't you suppose to be at the hospital?" She sounded amazed.

"You were going to go to Mexico. By yourself?" My mouth worked like a fish out of water. The horror of the thought of my darling wife heading to Mexico on her own was almost more than I could grasp. What could she have been thinking? I didn't feel it prudent to ask why she felt the need to pack for a journey to battle southern vampires.

"It appears I should be asking you the same question." Esme's eyes moved to Alice. "Was Carlisle going to Mexico?"

Alice, her loyalties split, had no problem speaking up. "Yes. He's been planning it for two days. It's amazing. You booked the same flight."

I was left without words. I could not begin to contemplate coming home from the hospital to find my wife gone.

"Esme, how could you?" I managed to whisper. But even as I said it I knew it was entirely hypocritical of me. Hadn't I done the same thing, been willing to abandon her, my fate as open ended as my missing son.

"You were going to leave me too, Carlisle. So don't…don't…" My darling wife was crumbling and I rushed forward catching her in my arms as her body sagged against me.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry." I whispered against her hair, taking in her scent hungrily, as if I'd been away from her for weeks and months, not mere minutes. "I didn't contemplate how you would feel when you found that I'd gone. I only thought of bringing Edward back to you. Please I'm sorry. I should never have considered it."

She sniffled against my shirt, nodding her head. "I'm sorry too Carlisle, but I just can't sit here and do nothing. Not knowing Edward is suffering. I must try to help him."

"And we will…we will, you and I." There was no other option. We couldn't leave each other and we couldn't remain inactive any more. Whatever happened, we would face it together.

I turned still holding Esme tightly. Before I could speak, Jasper held up his hand.

"Carlisle, we know what you are going to say. You are insane for even considering it. Two might be better than one but it still would be no match for the overwhelming numbers of newborns you would face. The only assurance I can give you and I don't need Alice's visions to see it, is that you will both be destroyed so you wouldn't have to live without each other."

Esme whimpered in my arms.

"Jasper, we don't need the specifics, I'm aware of the dangers." I was surprised at how exhausted I felt. "You don't understand because you aren't a parent. His eyebrows went up and I sighed.

"Edward has been with me for ninety plus years and with Esme almost as long. Much longer than human parents and children can ever hope to have a relationship. I believe I considered him my child from the moment I changed him. My feelings for him are that much stronger than any human parent could ever feel for their biological child as our emotions are so much more enhanced than humans. You know that Jasper."

He nodded but I could see I was talking to deaf ears. His mind was made up; all their minds were made up. There was nothing more I could say.

"If we don't come back, you know how to access everything, the money, the property. Everything will belong to you. The only thing we ask, is please try and stay together and please remember who we are, what we believe in, why we formed this family in the first place." Esme had straightened up and was no longer leaning against me. We were partners, we were a team and we would say goodbye as a united pair.

Eleazar and Carmen had joined us and were listening solemnly. But it didn't escape my notice that there was a surprising lack of emotion amongst my children. In fact both Alice and Emmett looked amused and everyone seemed to be waiting for the other to speak.

"Carlisle, it's very admirably of you to risk your lives to save Edward, but there are six of us here that have no intention of letting you do that." Eleazar said calmly, apparently he was completely confident in his ability to restrain us.

I looked at him astounded. "Eleazar, I appreciate your concern but I can assure you…all of you, that you will not dissuade us from going. The decision has been made, we are leaving. We, apparently both have a flight to catch. Now please…"

"We are going with you," Jasper blurted out. His eyes locked with mine then slide to his siblings before resting on Alice. "We've already discussed it and we can see no alternative. Eleazar and Carmen have also agreed to accompany us, though it's not their place, they have no stake in this."

"Wha..at? No..." Esme mumbled. She reached for and clenched my hand.

I found I could not speak. My plans of only minutes before were being modified in a huge way and it didn't appear that we were going to have any say in it.

"There's been a slight change of plans," Eleazar said looking at his wife tenderly.

I felt some relief. I could not bear to have their lives on my head along with my children. Jasper was right, it wasn't their place. "I bear you no ill will. It's as it should be, you are not responsible for Edward." I said, finally finding my voice.

"Let me finish please." Eleazar held up his hand. "I've talked with Tanya; we are all ashamed of our behavior last spring, our failure to help you with the newborns. Our sisters will be here in hours. You'll have to miss your flight, but we can get another in the morning. There will be eleven of us going to Mexico City."

It was then that Esme broke. I felt it in her body, saw it in her face, heard it as a straggled sob escaped between her clenched teeth. I too felt a wave of emotion roll over me, threatening to bring me down. Words would not be enough to express our feelings of gratitude towards the Denali coven, I couldn't even try. Instead I reached out and pulled the surprised Eleazar into a rough embrace, Esme trapped between us.

"Are you sure…are all of you sure." I managed to choke out, looking past the big vampire, to his mate and my children. "The danger is there. You have no obligation to me; I would not think less of you for changing your mind, think of your mates."

My words did cause a reaction as the couples before me glanced uneasily at each other. But it appeared that this decision had been well thought out by all of them and they were prepared for the consequences as almost immediately Jasper turned from Alice back to me.

"No one is backing out. But understand this Carlisle. We are doing this my way. I know the ways of the southern covens, I know their strengths and weaknesses and I know how to survive amongst them." His face was firm, grim, there would be no compromising and considering the risk he and the others were putting themselves in, I felt I had little choice but to concede to him.

I nodded for him to continue, letting Esme slip from my arms as she went to hug Alice and Rosalie, before finally wrapping her arm over Carmen's shoulder

"Do you agree that the most likely way we will find Edward is by stumbling upon his scent?" Jasper said to no one in particular, but all the heads in the room nodded.

"Yes it is possible that Alice may see something that will pinpoint his location, but it's unlikely, so we have to assume that it will be our only way to locate him. The temptation would be to split up. We can cover more territory that way, double, triple, even quadruple the amount of real estate and in the same amount of time, so the more groups we can break up into the more likelihood we will pick up his scent. Agreed?"

All heads in the room nodded again.

"And that is exactly what we are not going to do!" Jasper said harshly. He leveled his gaze on me. The smaller our numbers the more likely we will be confronted and destroyed. The newborn strategy would be to split us up and take us down individually. We are not going to do it for them. We must always stay together, always. No exceptions. Is that understood?"

Again nods, but more hesitantly.

"We will…I will break down the city into sections, create grids. We will start from the airport and move around the outer city limits ever expanding away from the city. Provided that Nicholas was not lying to us, then using this approach, searching each grid, we would eventually have to find his scent…but..."

"But…" Esme interrupted pressing her fingers to her lips.

"But it's highly likely that we will run into more than one coven long before we ever completely encircle the city even once. They won't be friendly, they won't be understanding and above all else they won't negotiate with us." Another pointed look in my direction. "The coven leaders, the more reasonable ones usually don't venture too far away from their home base so any vampires we run into will almost without question be newborns. We need to keep that in mind and above all else, we need to stay…"

All our heads snapped in Alice's direction, her gasp alarming in its volume. Her eyes were glassy and staring off at nothing, she was having a vision. Esme was in my arms instantly, her arms wrapped around me squeezing me, crushing me, odd little whimpering sounds, tightly contained but still audible escaped from her lips. I felt the pain in my chest, felt I was reliving the horror of less than a week ago, but I was determined to hear Alice out this time, refusing to react until she emerged from her vision and could properly explain it to us.

We all waited, staring at her in anticipation, the suspense agonizingly painful. Eventually her eyes fluttered open and she focused them on Jasper, her lips trembled, but otherwise her face showed no emotion.

"Tell me Alice," I said gruffly. Esme groaned against me.

"I see Edward," she whispered looking at me.

"Do you know where he is?" I wanted her to give me all the information at once, as much as I didn't want to hear it at all.

"He's in Mexico."

"But where in Mexico?" I heard the frustration in my voice.

"No. He won't be…he won't be in Mexico."

My lips remained sealed. I understood that I could not ask her a question every time she paused.

"I see Edward…I see him, but he's not in Mexico, he's with….he's in….Volterra, Carlisle, the Volturi…he's with the Volturi."

Esme didn't scream this time; instead she rocked against me humming out her pain. But unlike Esme whose terror I could feel through the quivering of her muscles, I felt only one emotion, an unfamiliar one and it burst from my lips in a loud expulsion of air.

I felt hope.

As dawn approached, Esme and I cuddled in our bed, a far cry from where I thought I would be just hours before and with a much different outlook on my son's future. If  
Alice's vision held true and she appeared confident in its likelihood, Edward would be out of the clutches of the horrors of the south and on his way to Volterra before the sun set.

Convincing Esme that this fate was more preferably then remaining in Mexico had been a bit of a challenge. Her fear of the Volturi stemmed as much from Edward's last visit there as my stories of their cruelty and brutality, which had drove me to leave them centuries before. She would not be appeased by my words of comfort and fretted that her son had gone from one hell to another, his chance of rescue that much dimmer, given that we could not very well storm the walls of the Volturi castle no matter how much we might want to.

I could not relay my feelings of peace to her, knowing where my son was without a doubt, understanding Aro's need for power, his desire to accumulate vampires with gifts, Edward's being one of the most powerful he would have in his collection. For now my son was safe. His stubbornness, his antagonistic attitude, his outright defiance could all do much to sabotage a stay with the Volturi, but where the southern covens were Jasper's field of expertise, the Vulturi were mine. And with Eleazar here to guide me, I felt much more prepared in dealing with Aro than I had with an army of newborns.

My conversation earlier with Eleazar had done much to confirm what I already knew to be true. To free Edward from the brothers' clutches, I had to be the one thing that I struggled with earlier. I had to have patience.

"Carlisle," Esme asked softly. I was spooned around her, trying to touch every part of her body with mine.

"Yes sweetheart," I mumbled against her neck.

"Tell me how we are going to get our son home."

As much as I wanted to make my wife feel better, I was hesitant to provide details. I felt confident in my abilities in winning his release but I had to let certain situations play out before I would make my trek to Italy to retrieve him. Hiding the truth from her was not an option and I could hardly refuse to answer a direct question.

"We must be patient Esme, it will take time," I said hesitantly, hoping the questions would stop there.

"And how much time?"

Distracting her with my kisses and the hardness of my body, the feel of my arousal might have worked in less trying circumstances but she was not persuaded to take the bait now and she turned in my arms to face me.

"How much time Carlisle, what are you waiting for? If you have such a relationship with the Volturi then why can't we just go get him? We want him back, it's important that he knows that." Her voice quivered. "I can't bear the notion of him thinking that we don't miss him, would let him go without searching for him."

"Esme," I said, my hand under my head propped up on an elbow so I could look into her face. "Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Of course I want to hear this, what aren't you telling me, Carlisle." Panic now. I could kick myself for my stupidity. Her fear of the unknown was more powerful than any truth would be.

"I will go to Volturi and I will request that Edward be released. They took him back for a reason. My guess is the guard was unprepared when they found him and needed further input from the brothers. Aro, will want Edward to remain with the Volturi, become part of the guard, but he will not want to be accused of holding Edward against his will. It's always been his philosophy that anyone can leave at anytime."

Esme's face was contorted in confusion and pain and I lightly brushed my fingers long its familiar curves.

"I cannot force his hand. He must feel confident that Edward will choose to stay with him or he will invent some charge against Edward to bind him to them.

"But how will he feel confident? I can't imagine a situation where Edward would ever agree to stay with the Volturi. How will you know?"

"Alice will see it. She will be the one that lets me know when I should go." I felt the dread in my stomach. Esme's nightmare wasn't over yet.

"And what will she see, what does she have to see?"

Aro will only feel confident that Edward will remain with him when he defies me."

"Enough Carlisle. Enough with these innuendos. What are you talking about?" My wife had jumped up on the bed. The look on her face was furious. I could stall no more.

"When Alice see's Edward…feed from humans…Aro will relax his grip on Edward's internment to him. He won't see it as a simple slip; he will see it as a rejection of my teachings, a betrayal of my values."

A soft little _oh_ was all that Esme offered and she fell to the bed cross legged next to me, with the understanding of what still faced her son.

"But Carlisle, Edward's control is so strong. That could take…that could take years. They couldn't break you after decades." She covered her face with her hands and for the fourth time today she began to cry.

"No, my darling. It won't take years; I doubt it will even take months." I took her tiny wrists and pulled her hands from her face. "Please look at me, Esme."

When she looked up, her lips were trembling, her face contorted in grief. I smiled, not in humor or happiness or even relief. It was a soft knowing smile of a man with a secret, one that I was going to share with my wife.

"I didn't have Edward's gift. I could avoid their feeding, I could avoid the humans and I was not exposed to the taste of human blood. Edward can read their minds. Aro will do everything he can to make sure that the thoughts of those around him are focused on the blood of humans. The taste, the smell, all the memories of all the feedings of all the vampires in Volterra. As much as I worry for our son's state of mind at such torture, it's a necessary step in order for us to get him back."

She nodded, leaning into me her head against my shoulder and I embraced her, feeling her melt against me, resigned to the further torment that awaited her son.

I, for one had my own demons to deal with. For the first time since I created him, I prayed that Edward would let his guard down, succumb to his natural instincts, let the monster, his metaphor for his thirst, out of its cage. God help me, but I wanted him to drink from a human and when his eyes glowed red in Alice's visions, I knew then that it was time to go and bring my son home.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**Off to Italy we go**_.


	11. Memories

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**WARNING: Contains disturbing images and lots of Edward angst and suicidal thoughts.**_

* * *

Polished men's oxford leather shoes.

It was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. I blinked. The shoes were attached to someone; my eyes focused on black slacks and legs. Next to the footwear was another pair of shoes, slippers like ballerina slippers an opaque beige color. It occurred to me that I was in a prone position, the rough synthetic feel of Berber carpet against my cheek. I blinked again, confused.

"Edward?"

I was propelled up and backward of my own volition, hissing as I slammed into the wall feeling it crumble around me. The vampires in front of me assumed a defensive posture around the owner of the leather shoes and black slacks, growls of warning rumbling from their chests. He did not react. His posture did not change; instead he cocked his head and eyed me quizzically.

_Edward, do you know where you are?_

Did I know? I looked around the brightly lit room. It looked like an upscale modern office; a mahogany credenza and large desk in one corner and next to the three vampires was a sitting area, a sofa, two chairs, a round table between them. The only thing missing was the large windows overlooking a big city skyline.

The surroundings weren't familiar to me, but the vampires were. They had done it then, I wasn't dead, wasn't reduced to ash in Mexico. Jane had some self control after all.

"Volterra," I whispered.

"Yes…yes…" Aro clapped his hands together, then waved at Renata and Alec as if to shoo them away. "You must be confused. I'm afraid Alec's gift can leave one feeling groggy and disoriented. No fear my young friend. The effects are short-lived. How are you feeling? Are you in control?"

I thought about that, not sure if I understood. I'd never seen Aro in this type of setting with so few vampires around him. I assumed he was normally closely guarded. Were they worried I was going to attack? I straightened up from my crouch and brushed the debris from my filthy clothing. Where my state of dress and dishevelment did not embarrass me in the company of the savages in Mexico, now I felt humiliated. This was the second time I'd presented myself to the Volturi as an unkempt nomad. I was not doing well as a representative of Carlisle to his former friends. But then did I really even epitomize what he stood for anymore? Surely I could no longer consider myself part of his family. I I had more than proved I was no longer worthy of him.

"Yes," I finally answered, realizing he was waiting for a response.

"You see Renata; you have nothing to fear from young Edward. Now that he has his bearings about him, he is quite harmless," Aro said in his painfully annoying voice.

Renata did not look convinced, but she and Alec relaxed their crouch.

"You understand why you are here Edward, why Jane brought you to me?"

"The heads," I said simply, my voice flat and unemotional. Despite being _unconscious _for the first time in my vampire life for hours if not days, I felt detached, exhausted, even my thirst was dulled under my unresponsive senses. "You want to know about the heads."

Aro smiled sadly. "Well yes I suppose that was Jane's reason, but she is young despite her years. She doesn't always see _the big picture_. No, Edward, this isn't about the heads as you so aptly refer to them, though I would enjoy hearing their thoughts if you wouldn't mind?"

Obediently I stuck out my hand. I was appalled to see it trembling. I concentrated on holding it still in front of me. I wouldn't go to him. I didn't think it wise. His two bodyguards were edgy enough. I wasn't worried about either of them. Renata wasn't a fighter and Alec would only use his gift to subdue me, hardly painful, but I smelled the others, they lurked behind the walls waiting for any sounds of alarm that would draw them in. Passivity was the key to survival in Vulterra and apparently I wanted to survive, for now.

Brushing aside Renata, Aro glided to me, a slight smile on his lips. Unlike me, he didn't loath his gift, but then he could shut it off by simply refraining from touching anyone. I did not have that luxury.

"I'll be quick," he said sympathetically as I flinched when he approached. He understood I would be able to relive the agony of the last several months through his thoughts.

As soon as his hand gripped me, the images flowed. I was forced to view my last months with Bella, my attempts to keep her human despite the ultimatum from Caius, her demand to be changed, my proposal of marriage, Victoria and our hasty trip to Florida, the realization that the newborns were being created to attack us. The stream of memories was interrupted as Aro's concentration broke momentarily when he was confronted with the images of the wolves and then resumed with our efforts to train for the newborns unique abilities.

As the battle between me and Victoria played out, I stifled a whimper knowing what was coming next and as I tried to pull away, Aro's grip became tighter, holding me for the inevitable memory of Bella's motionless body, Carlisle's attempts to change her, my screams of agony and then nothing; a black void, images of the faces of my family worried and haggard, finally my emergence from a catatonic state, our plans to leave Forks and the arrival of Nicholas.

I tried to focus on Alec's mind and managed to catch a glimpse of myself swaying under Aro's touch, but it was only an instant later that I was back reliving my deception, my flight to Mexico, Gina and her odd visions, the implication that she had a gift, an introduction of Mary and Cameron who were unfamiliar to Aro and finally the dismemberment, decapitation and burning of Michael, every painful detail of it completely fascinating to Aro and then finally, the heads. He was less interested in my memories of their physical presence, having retrieved that information from Jane and lingered on their thoughts as I heard them, the silent pleas, however garbled, their awareness and finally their soundless screams as they burned.

I was gasping when he released my hand. It had been mere seconds, but each memory brought it back and I relived it all over again. Renata was close; I could feel her shield, pushing me away from her master, even though I made no attempt to move closer. I was horrified by the thought that I might topple over, unable to find the equilibrium to stand still.

_So much grief, so much pain, no wonder he is in such a state._

I hadn't realized I was squeezing my eyes shut, trying to block the images that were still in my head, but when I opened them, I saw Aro's face near mine, surprisingly concerned.

"You've suffered much, young Edward. I think we need to let you take some time to pull yourself together." He motioned towards the door and an unfamiliar vampire scuttled in eyeing me warily. "Take Edward to the showers and get him something to wear. You can deliver him back to us when you are done."

_I hope he __is not too badly damaged. _

Aro smiled without saying anything aloud and with a nod to his bodyguards he floated from the room.

"This way," the vampire motioned me to follow, his displeasure at being assigned the menial task evident in the tone of his voice.

We did not make our way to the lower recesses of the castle but stayed in the front offices taking several twists and turns through a narrow hallway. Eventually we came upon a place I was familiar with, but the human behind the desk was unknown to me. She looked up, smiled at me, winked at the vampire next to me, Antonio was the name I pulled from her thoughts, then resumed what she was doing. I wondered how they found these humans so eager to serve so willing to die.

"Where's Gianna?" I asked without caring.

The vampire looked over his shoulder surprised and shrugged aware that the human was still within earshot. He didn't have to answer; the memory was recalled in response to my question.

Santiago, in a fit of rage, tossing a vampire across the room as a distracted Gianna carrying an armload of books walked in. The vampire's flailing arm caught her in the face, turning it into a bloody pulverized mass of flesh, her features no longer recognizable; her body crumbling like an accordion, barely touching the ground and the vampire inadvertently responsible for the accident catching her, yanking her limp form to him, his mouth on her neck as she gurgled out her last breath. There was no sympathy from the others in the room, only jealousy that they hadn't been quick enough to reach her damaged body first. So her desire to be changed never materialized and she too suffered the fate of my Bella; humans and vampires were never meant to co-exist.

I was led to a small private shower room, undoubtedly used by the humans as there was a bathroom adjacent to it.

"You can shower in there. Someone will bring you clothes," Antonio said curtly. His aspirations to move up in the guard did not include playing nursemaid to the likes of me. I could not determine if he had a gift or not but he seemed unpleasant and uninteresting so I didn't think we would be developing any kind of relationship beyond these moments together.

I tried not to think as I let the warm water run over me, washing away the caked on grime from several weeks of living in squalor. The tremors had not subsided in my new surroundings and I was loath to let the brothers see me in mypalsiedcondition, but I had no choice but present myself to them at Aro's request.

What would be my fate? Now that Aro had read me, would I be mercifully destroyed? And if that were my destiny, why had I been asked to take a shower? No, when Aro referred to Jane not seeing the big picture, he had something else in mind, though he'd clearly been blocking me. I wasn't a total imbecile. I hadn't completely lost my ability to foresee the circumstances I was now in and recognize what my value was to the Volturi. It was Aro's desire that I would join them. From the moment I made my cataclysmic trek here requesting my death, revealing in my thoughts the gifts of Alice and exposing Bella and her potential to them, Aro had wanted me. And now he had me.

Carlisle never talked of the Volturi much, but in the course of the decades I'd been with him, he had thought of them often. His memories revealed much. Despite the brothers' claims that members of the guard were free to leave at their discretion, many were not. Those that were captured from enemy covens or covens that had broken the law could be forced to serve the Volturi. Most accepted the post with honor and those that did not were only given one other alternative.

I knew I had a choice. I would not be allowed to leave, that was certain. But I would be allowed to die. I had come full circle. I was back in the place I'd been not a year before when I thought Bella dead. Now I knew she was dead and what had changed? The situation was in fact worse. Not only had I destroyed Bella, but I'd brought unending grief to my family and would continue to do so as long as I lived.

Esme would not let me go, but if I was destroyed there would be nothing left for her to languish for. She would have to move on. And Carlisle, his never ending obsession over his responsibility towards those he created; what would he do? Would he come to Volterra on my behalf, perhaps risking himself in the process? This would not do. My only request upon my death would be that my family was told of my death. That would end it for them. Whatever grief they felt would be short-lived in relation to our life of eternity and my only regret would be that I hadn't succeeded the year before.

Brown slacks and a white button down shirt were neatly folded on a stool when I emerged from the shower. Quickly I dressed, my anticipation for the unpleasantness that awaited me, causing my hands to shake violently, more so than normal, and I had trouble buttoning my shirt. I briefly considered leaving the new expensive loafers behind, I wouldn't need them to burn, but thought I would present a tidier picture fully dressed. The fit as with the clothes was perfect.

I could hear the sighs of Antonio as he waited for me outside the door and I quickly shook my head of excess water leaving my hair much as it usually was; an unkempt mess on my head.

We made our way through the offices again, back to an elevator near the human. I recognized this place, the reception area where I'd held and kissed Bella as we waited for nightfall that would allow us to leave. We would be going down into the bowels of the castle where the Volturi held court in an opulent drawing room, the feeding room or perhaps banquet hall was the more politically correct terminology was adjacent to it. I would not see the sun again.

The brothers were seated as I remembered, the guard also positioned in a similar manner. The casual conversation hushed as I came in the room but unfortunately their thoughts weren't silent and I was assailed with them. I resisted covering me ears. It didn't help and I would look like a bigger degenerate than I already was.

"Ahh, back again and under similarly distressing circumstances," Caius sneered, his eyes giving me the once over, noting that my appearance was more presentable than the last time. He wouldn't have been so impressed if he'd seen me minutes before. _By defying us you killed the girl anyway, stupid boy._

I tried not to react to his thoughts, but my fists clenched, my muscles became rigid. Jane stepped between us and smiled.

"There is no point in torturing him, Caius. He's done a fair amount of that on his own," Aro said pleasantly as if he were talking about the weather. He stood up without seeming to and his bodyguards were immediately at his side.

I noted that all the brothers appeared to have their own little attaché of bodyguards. For Aro it was Renata of course and Jane and both moved forward with him.

"Edward…Edward, what to do...what to do," Aro mumbled thoughtfully, drumming his fingers against his chin as he looked down, his posture suggesting he was contemplating my fate.

But in his mind I could see me already in the dark robes standing next to Jane and Alec, my status in the guard already elevated by my gift, my future already decided. He was showing me it, deliberately, gauging my reaction, wanting confirmation that I would accept it rather than defy him in front of the others.

"If I make speak?" I asked quickly. My defiant days were long gone.

"Yes, yes of course," Aro said smiling but his eyes held a warning.

"I wish to be destroyed," I said as respectfully as I could given that I knew of Aro's desires for me and he knew I knew. "And once that unpleasantness is done, I ask that Carlisle is notified."

There were snickers in the room, a smirk from Felix as he moved forward stopping only when Aro held up his hand. "Now Edward, if we were going to destroy you, we wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of bringing you back here. Besides, I'm not sure Carlisle would approve of our decision. He may not take it well."

I started to protest, finding it absurd to even consider that Carlisle would seek vengeance, his nature too gentle, too forgiving, but Aro shook his head to silence me.

"Aro, just do it and be done with it," Caius barked. An ally?

But Aro did not appear inclined to indulge either of us. Instead he smiled bigger, and then I saw not me under a cloak next to Jane and Alec, but Alice. _Is that what you want_?

I didn't think it possible to tremble any more than I was, the tremors already an irritating affliction that had plagued me for weeks, but I had to clench my teeth to keep my teeth from chattering and as when I was forced to take Jane to the heads, my legs felt decidedly weak, like I might collapse on the spot. I shook my head slightly.

_Then enough of this talk of destruction. I will not destroy such a valuable gift. _

"I think if we give Edward time to think about it, he will come to his senses." Aro spoke aloud for the benefit of those around us.

I was staring past his shoulder, trying to get control of my brain which seemed to be on overdrive. It wasn't just the thoughts of those around me that was overwhelming me, but now I appeared to be suffering from an internal malfunction as my own thoughts became impossible for me to control, a dozen different things coming at me all at once, like bugs on a windshield, each idea, each musing each memory splatting against my skull followed by another and another. Again I fought the need to cover my ears. Aro was talking to me, still out loud but all I could hear was the splat, splat, splat as I was inundated with my thoughts and I understood that I just couldn't do this anymore.

Given my history, I was going to fail Alice, it was inevitable. I could only pray that Aro was bluffing. It wasn't like the Volturi to force someone who'd committed no crime to serve them. Carlisle never provided a single example of it, not in his thoughts or memories or commentary on them to me. It had to be a bluff. But I would never know for sure, because staying true to myself, my selfish nature, I wouldn't be around to suffer if I was wrong.

Understanding that I posed no real risk to Aro, I charged him anyway. Roaring out all my frustration, anguish and sorrow in those two steps I took before the burning pain sliced along my spine and ripped through me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I didn't even have time to scream before there was nothing again, nothing at all.

* * *

"Aro, enough with this nonsense. He's deranged. He needs to be destroyed. Jane can't always be expected to intervene." Caius sounded furious.

I didn't blame him, but Aro didn't appear swayed_. I won't destroy such a gift._

"He's my problem brother, don't worry yourself," Aro said dismissively from somewhere above me.

For the second time that day, I opened my eyes to find myself on the ground. I could tell that I was in the same position as I'd fallen. My face was pressed against the hard stones of the ancient floor; one arm was under me, the other over my head as I reached for Aro.

"I've never seen anyone court Jane's torture like you do, young one." He sighed as I rolled on my back.

There were four pairs of red eyes staring down at me. Only Aro looked remotely friendly and this I knew was part of his allure. He was the male version of Mary.

"It's been quite fun," Jane giggled, looking like she was truly enjoying herself.

"Stand please…slowly," Aro said glancing sternly at Jane.

Unlike Jane, I was not enjoying her gift and decided it was wise to do as requested. I was surprised to see that the chamber was empty. Even Caius was gone.

"How do you feel Edward, tell me of these tremors? When did they start?" He'd resumed his seat in his _throne_. Jane and Alec flanking him, Renata always next to him, her hand hovering over him. She was afraid of me.

"You know when." I didn't understand this questioning. There was nothing he could ask me that he didn't already know.

"Yes, yes I know. But do you know? What do you remember of it?" He'd clasped his fingers together his index fingers up under his chin.

"They started...they started when I was in Mexico." Why couldn't I focus? I knew the answer, but I couldn't grab it, the memory was just out of my reach. I tried to find the answer in Aro's mind but he would not indulge me by thinking about it.

"When in Mexico?" Aro probed.

"I...I...when I saw the heads?" The words came out like a question and I found myself looking at him for confirmation.

He smiled sadly and shook his head.

But that confused me. It seemed right. I sighed, looking down at my hands that were trembling like an addict that needed his next fix.

"When did you feed last?" Now Aro was stroking his chin.

I felt I was being interrogated. Silly really, given that these were simple questions that implicated no one. No crimes were committed. When did I feed last? Why couldn't I find that memory? I could almost hear the spinning of my memory rolodex, a little whirl as it whizzed around, but I couldn't make it stop and that memory whipped by me again and again.

Could I lie? Stupid. Aro already knew the answer. But maybe I could guess right.

"Yesterday?" His expression suggested I was incorrect. "Or the day before." I tried again. Alec's lips twitched in a smirk, Jane was outright grinning and Aro was shaking his head.

My hands slid through my hair. It was dry now. How long had I laid on the chamber floor held in Alec's mental grip. Long enough to clear out the room.

_You __mustn't worry yourself Edward. You've been under tremendous stress. I think I know how to help you. _Aro rose, his personal guards jumped in front of him startled by his motion. "It's been over a week since you've fed and not enough to sate your hunger. We are expecting human visitors before the week is out. Would you like to join us?"

I shook my head hard, like a child on the verge of a temper tantrum.

"Then we will bring in something for you to feed on."

"Will that help me remember?" Now I was speaking like a child. The question was juvenile, but I remained hopeful.

"No Edward. But come, I have something else that just might."

We made our way to the passages that weaved beneath the castle. His guards remained between him and I except for Felix, who joined us following closely behind me ready to intervene if I made any aggressive moves. I could feel the incline change, we were moving up. I had not been this deeply in the castle and felt my curiosity piqued. There was something familiar about this place, a déjà vu feeling that I'd wandered these halls before, seen the ornately decorated rooms, passed by the little chapel, run my fingers along the smooth stone walls. The works of art and tapestries that hung in what was no longer a tunnel but a long hall were tantalizingly familiar. I'd seen them before. I was sure of it; the fine detail triggering memory after memory, I'd studied them with great interest. Given that that was impossible, I decided not to say anything. Caius wasn't far off. I was very close to losing my mind; not remembering things that had clearly happened to me and remembering things that were not part of my past.

Eventually we were above ground again, presumably on the main level of the castle, just below the brothers' quarters. They, with their wives occupied all the space behind the street level front offices and the upper floors of the castle. The lower levels were reserved for feeding, greeting visiting vampires, disposing of the guilty and housing the guard.

I was intrigued, given my behavior that I was even allowed up in this part of the castle and for the first time in weeks I actually felt interested in my surroundings.

Aro stopped in a brightly lit corridor with modern sky lights that seemed out of place within the ancient interior of the space, but created a more cheery ambiance with its natural lighting. This area did not look familiar to me and I was surprised to find Aro looking at me expectantly.

He waved his hand at a closed wooden door with old archaic pintle hinges and a Suffolk latch that looked like it hadn't been opened in decades. "Look inside Edward, tell me what you think."

I was immediately wary and my body convulsed in a fit of tremors as I remembered the last time I'd been invited to investigate something on my own. I didn't realize I was shaking my head no until Aro sighed.

_There is nothing to fear behind that door.  
_

He waited expectantly again reminding me of my short-lived Mexican coven, their anticipation almost oozing from their closed pores. Aro wasn't quite as eager but he did seem to be waiting for a reaction from me. Again I shook my head, this time consciously.

"Alec, please open the door," Aro said tiredly. I didn't suspect that he was a patient vampire and I was testing what little of it he had.

I stepped back, crouching not sure what I expected to happen when the door, creaking with non use, swung open. The interior of it was completely unexpected. No foreign scents filled my nostrils, no voices suddenly flooded my brain with their mumbling pleas, though if I'd thought to consider it, I didn't need an open door to hear thoughts. The guards surrounding Aro looked confused and uncertain and through their eyes, I could see I wore the same expression. Only Aro continued to carry the look of anticipation, waiting for a reaction from me without revealing what he expected in his thoughts.

I stepped forward hesitatingly, still wary but less so. The room appeared completely void of danger. It was small, tiny in comparison to some of the more spacious quarters, lounges and drawing rooms we'd passed. From wall to wall the area was no bigger than an average master bedroom might be in the states. On one wall was a large Louis XV gilded console with a rich black marble top and centered in front of that impressive piece of furniture were two leather chairs flanking a small simple oval occasional table. On the far wall were bookshelves, old crude shelves removed from the ornate decorations that made up the other pieces, and on them were hundreds of books, all older texts as judged by their leather bindings and withered appearance.

But it wasn't the inspiring collection of books that had drawn my attention and a slight gasp. It was the fireplace, the focal point of the wall. It was massive reaching to the ceiling some twenty feet up, each stone had been carefully selected for its hue and shape and each piece fit together with the precision offered by the tools of a modern day stone cutter. The lintel itself was void of decoration but the overmantel depicted carvings of dragon heads and gargoyles amongst plants and flowers. I knew this design. I knew this room, I knew this fireplace. The books weren't the same, the furnishings were different, but I knew where I stood. Hypnotized by it, the physical surroundings and more likely the understanding of it; I managed to tear my eyes away and looked at Aro meeting his avid gaze. He was smiling.

_Do you see Edward_?

I nodded and turned back to the room.

"I wasn't sure but I thought you would recognize it," Aro spoke out loud, apparently trying to ease the trepidation Renata was feeling over our silent conversation.

In that moment, my mind was clear, like it had been before my disastrous trek to Mexico and before Bella's death. My focus was sharp; I could see everything, concentrate, use my heightened senses and absorb it all. I was able to block out the voices of the castle and just drink in the room. Everything came to me in a tidal wave of memories and I neatly compartmentalized all of them.

I could see how the sun would flood the room with light in late afternoon, how the stars were visible in the rectangular windows high up on the stone walls, acting as night lights for a vampire that could see as easy in day as in night. I saw how the room glowed when the moon was full, the beams from it reflecting off the smooth stone and the shadows that fell across it as the sun slowly rose each morning. I knew this room as well as knew my room back in Forks or any of the rooms I'd lived in previous to that. This room had been Carlisle's; he'd lived here for years. I'd seen it countless times in his memories whether he consciously thought about it or not.

There had been a Louis XV desk in one corner that dominated the room and Carlisle had spent hours there pouring over scores of old text. A Bergere chair sat where one of the oversized leather chairs was now, but the occasional table was the same; I didn't have to study it closely to see the depiction of a spray of flowers that decorated the top of it. But it wasn't the furniture that made up the room, it was the fireplace that brought it all home to me, how I knew this room was his.

"He's shown it to you then?" Aro said, apparently he'd been waiting for me to speak.

"Yes, many times. He thinks about it often. He learned much in this room. He thought of it as his home," I said barely above a whisper, too stunned to offer more. I wasn't sure why it surprised me. Of course the interior of the Volturi castle would be familiar to me, I'd lived with the images, I'd spent years wandering through Carlisle's memories, learning as much as I could about his past, what he'd done, where he'd been. But to experience the reality of it had brought with it a new round of emotions, raw and painful and...comforting. I wanted to reach out and touch the walls as I'd seen Carlisle do and through his eyes see his hand trace along the pavers during the many nights he'd spent here, alone and lonely, contemplating his existence amongst vampires who did not share his beliefs and values.

"Many have stayed here since Carlisle left, but I've always thought of it as his room," Aro spoke gently. "It's seldom used now for anything more than a private library; it has many of our favorite books. Unfortunately most won't be familiar from your memories. The books during Carlisle's time have either disintegrated with age or been moved to our preservation room. No book here is over two hundred years old. Sadly we didn't have the technology that would allow us to save books and scrolls from hundreds of years ago.

I nodded, looking now at the array of leather-bound books and not finding familiarity in the patterns on the shelf. They were not books from Carlisle's memories, just as Aro had said.

"You may stay here Edward, if you like."

My gasp was met by three more as Alec and Jane's heads snapped first to Aro, then to each other and finally to me, their expressions shocked, then furious. Renata looked absolutely horrified and I could see that she was terrified for Aro's safely at my close proximity to the brother's private quarters.

"Master, it's not safe," she spoke in a quivering voice, touching the sleeve of his immaculately tailored black velvet jacket.

Aro chuckled. "I'm sure Caius would agree with you my dear Renata, but I feel it will be quite safe. This is where Edward belongs." _Isn't that right Edward?_

I nodded thoughtfully.

"You are in control of your emotions?" He spoke for Renata's benefit.

I nodded again.

"And you won't try and murder us in our chambers?" His amusement was plain in the tone of his voice.

I nodded, and when he frowned, I shook my head.

"Very good young Edward. You see Renata, it is quite safe."

"I will stay with master," Jane said her voice barely containing her fury, her rage evident in her expression and her thoughts.

I understood that I was being bestowed with a great honor given the proximity of this private room to the brothers' quarters. No other member of the guard had rooms on this level. This room and the others further along the hall were reserved for visitors and friends. Is that what I was? Aro's visions were quite clear. He wanted me to join his guard. I didn't understand the privilege granted me given my display of unstable behavior that afternoon, but I wasn't going to argue with him. He was worried about Caius. He dreaded the confrontation that would follow, but for now he was pleased with both my reaction and his estimation that this is what I needed to bring me back.

I did not share his optimism on the latter, but my enthusiasm for hiding in this room away from the others could not be dampened. I ignored the look of pure hatred on Jane's face and slid between her and Alec into the respite that this bare stone room would offer me.

"I will send someone when we find you an appropriate meal," Aro said as an afterthought drifting away followed by his guard, already in his mind I could see that my diet would not be of mountain lion or bear. Goats were much more prevalent in Italy.

Once alone, I closed the massive wood door and sucked in the air around me, searching for Carlisle's two hundred year old scent. The room smelled of old books and mildew. I smiled. It was a smell from Carlisle's memories, the same smell, one he breathed in every day during his thirty plus years with the Volturi. It was soothing.

Goats were disgusting. There blood was bitter and flat. It had no life, no essence, no draw. Any primal instincts I had to feed on the blood I could feel pulsing beneath the skin was squelched once it was spilled. The smell was pungent, unappealing and I only pushed my mouth against the fountain of red fluid to defy those around me that watched on with snickers and sarcastic comments. I would not let them see my distaste with feeding on the stringy beasts. So obediently I drained all six of them, tossing their carcasses aside as I finished each one. I was in the lower levels of the castle, not in the torrent room, but in an abandon part of the tunnels. I was told to leave the dead goats as they lay. Apparently the Volturi had a cleanup crew. I briefly wondered what one had to do wrong to end up on that detail.

Now back in my room, Carlisle's room as I preferred to think of it, I felt full, not satisfied, but it was enough. I'd moved all the furniture, rearranged it the way I saw it in Carlisle's memories. I had no desk as he did, but I pushed one of the leather chairs off to a corner and pulled the other in the center of the room directly facing the fireplace. Sitting in the chair I could look at the books before me and though still not exactly right, I was pulled into his memories. And there were so many; I hadn't consciously thought about all the memories that had been passed from Carlisle to me before.

Through our years together his inner voice was always in my head. I tuned it out more often than not, but now as I thought back, those memories had stuck. I could remember how the tittering little laugh of the newly turned Esme would remind him of another laugh of the first female vampire he'd ever met, Chelsea. How he would hear her through the walls of this room, laughing flirtatiously at a suggestive comment by one of the male guard and how he would feel jealous, his fingers pressing against the wall, digging into the crevice between the stones as he listened and wished it were he that could offer a clever quip bringing that sweet bell like laughter to her lips.

That memory spurred me to mimic Carlisle's actions. Standing against the wall, pressing my fingers against the stone, I watched my hand which became Carlisle's as he saw it through his eyes and through those memories my own fingers found the pock marks of his fingers, still there in the mortar, the damage the same through my eyes as they were through his.

Excited, I moved to the next memory and the next. The room for all its hidden treasures and reminders was only a small part of Carlisle's Volterra experience and soon I was venturing out of my room. Aro warned me from proceeding any further up the tunnels, so I could only go down, back towards the guard's quarters. I was left alone as I wandered the lower recesses of the castle. I could hear the whispers of the other vampires. I conceded that my behavior was odd when I viewed myself through their eyes and didn't blame their thoughts questioning my mental stability. Only the twins, Demetri and Felix understood my behavior and their distaste in counting me as one of their own as was Aro's wish, befriended me to none of them. Quentin was the only one that actively sought me out and even he drifted away finding me peculiar as I stared at walls, studied furnishings, touched the artwork or cradled the fine vases and porcelain figurines that filled the rooms.

Carlisle's memories brought me to a great library with scores upon scores of books and adjacent to that, was a room that wasn't in them. Airtight with Plexiglas walls several inches thick, gaining entrance required going through two sets of modern tightly sealed doors. The room itself contained the most ancient of the books, scrolls and papers that still existed in the Volturi collection. Since we did not need to breathe the lack of oxygen in the room was not a deterrent and our hands contained no oils, so no damage was done to the delicate pages when we touched them.

The librarian of the room eyed me suspiciously when I entered for the first time and watched with unabashed concern as I touched the leather binding of a book from my memories, a favored book of Carlisle's, a collection of ancient medical devices, procedures and illustrations of the human anatomy. With great care, I removed it from its resting place and with deference to its fragility; I carefully turned the pages, again letting myself drift to the memories of Carlisle. He embraced the teachings of this 17th century _modern _guide to medicine, his delight in its contents however primitive in relation to modern medicine, amplified his desires to become a doctor even back then.

Another memory brought me deeper beneath the castle, under the chapel, into a winding maze of catacombs, tombs of the dead lining the walls, most of the human remains long since turned to dust. This was where Carlisle came to be alone. My gift or curse as I'd begun to think of it, allowed me no such peace. I could still hear the thoughts of the nearby vampires, but in Carlisle's memories, with no ability to read minds, he found tranquility among the dead that still resembled the corpses they were. He'd spent much time here, hiding during feedings and the tortures of other vampires and it was during that time that he began to examining the skeletal remains of the bodies that surrounded him, looking for the cause of their death never missing an opportunity to educate himself.

One memory brought me to a small alcove; the body that resided there was one of a female, judging from the jewelry of gold and precious stones that lay within the pile of mostly decomposed bone. I felt his sorrow, his sadness in this place, loneliness and longing and it made me uncomfortable. Even though I'd always carried these memories with me, I seldom thought of the specifics of them, but now as I relived them, in physical contact with the very location that produced them, I felt like an intruder, a trespasser into Carlisle's life.

Still I did not leave, could not resist the pull of a memory that had me reaching out my hand, touching the skull of the dead human and in my mind it was Carlisle's hand, the familiar silver band engraved with his family crest prominently displayed on his finger. But in this memory he held a journal, a small worn battered book and he was sliding it into a hole behind the corpse between the stones, replacing the stone that had been removed, effectively hiding it from view.

Because I was viewing only the memories he'd thought about, I did not have one of the stone being removed or any of him retrieving the book. I felt a rush of adrenalin, as my fingers touched the stone of his memories, but now it was my hand I saw through my eyes, my fingers closing around a protruding end of it, pulling on it, feeling it break loose of the grip of the sagging weight of the stone above it that had settled with time. And then holding my breath, my fingers slid into the pocket behind the stone and touching the book, I could barely contain a squeal of delight. Here I was over two hundred years later, finding an item that I'd seen Carlisle leave hidden in the castle. It was mind boggling.

Tenderly I pulled it from its century's old resting place, being careful to apply no pressure to the fragile item, my excitement barely contained. Given its hiding place, deep underground in a cold location with limited oxygen exposure, I shouldn't have been surprised by its reasonably good condition and I hastily retreated to my room, anxious to read what I presumed to be Carlisle's personal journal. I tried not to be disappointed when I found most of the pages were illegible, the ink long faded away with time and instead focused on what I could read bits and pieces in Carlisle's neat handwriting.

He spoke often of his loneliness, his disillusionment with the Volturi, his loathing over what he was, which surprised me as Carlisle had always maintained that we were no different than humans in most respects. I understood these writings to be from a young Carlisle, before he was a doctor before he had a family and was impressed with the magnitude of his growth through the decades which was, widely believed impossible after our change. The final entry in the journal suggested the desire to leave the Volturi and a great journey to the new world, an uncivilized territory that would welcome his skills as the doctor he planned to be.

Reading what words I could, written by the man I had loved for the better part of a century threatened to reduce me to sobs and upon deciphering all that I could from it, I removed a similar type stone from the wall in my room and hid it as Carlisle had done not understanding his reasoning, but wanting to preserve what remained of his personal ramblings and hide it from those that might wish to cause me pain with its destruction.

The day came when I was inundated with the desire to feed on humans from all the vampires that resided in the castle. Their thoughts pummeling me, their need to feed, consuming me, my own thirst almost as overpowering as the first day I'd come into contact with Bella's scent. I hid in my room, my hands uselessly covering my ears, my mind struggling to find a safe place to hide. Then Aro's spoken voice at the door, urging me join them and when that drew a wail of agony from me, he expressed his concern that I was slipping away again and urged me to focus on Carlisle's memories, my fascination with them, not lost on him.

I tried, but then I could hear the thoughts of approaching humans, the memory was similar to the torturous day from my past when Bella came to my aid, the humans brushing by us as they made their way to their deaths, most not suspecting anything was amiss, but the few more observant ones, understanding that they were amongst evil and would likely not emerge from the _tour_ alive. At that time I'd been so overcome with my fear for Bella's safety that I'd hardly been aware of the horrifying sounds of the dying. I'd not been in jeopardy of slipping into the minds of the feeding vampires, experiencing the exquisite delight of human blood as they sucked and slurped at the twitching bodies beneath them.

And so in a final desperate act to escape, I ran from my room and down the hall, away from the sounds, struggling to find a Carlisle memory that brought me in this direction and when I did, I latched onto it furiously, letting nothing distract me, refusing to let anything else in but the memory as seen through Carlisle's eyes, how he moved down the great hall, his eyes coming to rest on a medieval door that wasn't so medieval during his stay. I pulled at the door latch and the door opened to a narrow landing. I was surprised to see a spiral stone stair case going up and down. Down would bring me to the banquet hall, the turret room, the feeding. The scent of human was strong. I did not want to go down and Carlisle's memories led me up. I wasn't sure if I was grasping on a specific memory or a combination of more than one. I believed the latter as I could see a layering of identical memories, an askew allusion and when I looked down through Carlisle's eyes, he wasn't always wearing the same pair of shoes. Some memories revealed the heeled black buckled shoes, elaborately decorated and in others he'd be wearing riding boots or a type of slipper. He would even be barefoot occasionally. These images were confusing and I tried to focus on only one memory since they all showed the same journey up the stairs.

I pulled the latch of the door open, the interior before me was an elaborate plush master's quarters. Tapestries covered the walls that weren't already filled with book shelves holding thousands of old text. The furnishings looked to be from the 18th century, fit for the finest of homes of that period and an expensive collection in modern times. In Carlisle's memories, he did not hesitate as he entered the room, welcomed here I assumed by his ease of entry and familiarity.

And so I, retracing his steps imitating his movement failed to realize that I'd done the one thing Aro asked me not to do; I ventured upstairs and when I smelled the powerful odor of another vampire present with me, a familiar vampire, my memories of Carlisle faded away and I found myself staring into the shocked face of the unguarded completely alone Marcus as he looked up from the human he was feeding on.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**I know I suggested through Carlisle's words that there would be a lot of pressure to get Edward to feed off of humans, but Aro can see that right now it is more important to try and stablize Edward who is suffering from some serious issues.**_

_**If Aro sounds a little more compassionate then SM's version, I suspect it is because I sort of like him, despite his bad hairdo. It might also have to do with my assumption that he's no dummy. He wants Edward's gift. Bad.**_


	12. Temptation

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**WARNING: Contains scenes of violence against humans and vampires that might be disturbing.**_

* * *

_I don't want to destroy this gift. There must be a way he can be controlled, but how to convince Caius of that? _Aro.

_My unappeasable brother will risk us all with this need for gifted vampires. We can barely control the ones we have. This young one is too dangerous. He must be destroyed. _Caius

_Didyme would be very fond of the weather we're having. Perhaps I will go out to the courtyard and enjoy it for her. _Marcus

I was attuned to the inner thoughts of the brothers much as I'd been attuned to that of Carlisle and the rest of my former family. By focusing on specific voices, it enabled me to pick them out in a crowd, or more specifically, Carlisle in a large hospital, my siblings in school and the brothers in a castle full of vampires. There was value in it, but I didn't see how it would help me now.

They were coming for me, the brothers. It had been some hours since I'd inadvertently entered Marcus' private chamber, uninvited and unannounced. My shock matched his and I'd stumbled back out the door of his room as fast as I'd entered it, fleeing down the stairs and through the great hall and back to my room mere seconds after my grave lapse of decorum.

I was as horrified by my actions as I was by the unbearable thirst that burned my throat distracting me from the punishment that awaited me once the bloodlust of the others was spent. For the briefest of seconds, I had felt a need to challenge Marcus for the human. It was just a flicker, just an instinctual response to the siren call of human blood that I'd long denied myself, but it was there and it had almost taken hold of me before my more controlled persona beat the monster back.

I stood in the center of the room, unmoving I could hear them now, the brothers with their guard; Jane's giggle, a mumbling conversation between Felix and Santiago. But I only listed to the brother's thoughts, as theirs were the only ones that mattered.

The door swung hope and Felix was there smirking at me. When he stepped aside, I met the deep crimson eyes of Aro, the recent feeding giving his pale translucent skin an almost healthy glow. Behind him was Caius, the scowl on his face revealing what his mind did not, his hostility and contempt for me.

Marcus was not with them. He was with his memories of Didyme still contemplating whether he would venture outside.

"Your hand, Edward."

Obediently I walked toward Aro with my hand outstretched. When I got within range of Renata's shield I felt the push of it, steering me clear of him, but he walked through it and gripped me firmly. In the second he reviewed my memories, he released it and nodded.

"It was a mistake Caius, the boy was simply running away from the humans." Aro's eyes never left mine and I felt the mesmerizing pull of his hypnotic gaze, a skill the ancient vampire had cultivated over the centuries. "Rather amazing. He was following Carlisle's memories."

"You are letting his gift blind you, brother. He should receive the same punishment for this latest transgression that any of the others would. Mistake or no, he disobeyed you and put one of us in jeopardy." Caius stood directly behind Aro, his lips hardly moving. "You are pandering to a gift that you already possess. Let's be done with him. This nonsense must stop."

"Not yet…not yet. You heard Marcus. He doesn't want him destroyed either."

"Marcus doesn't know of what he speaks. He may welcome the release this one could offer." Caius spat, shaking his head in disgust. "At the very least, he shouldn't be in this part of the castle. He can't control himself. If you want him to live then you need to restrain him. Put him in with the general guard. Between them they can keep an eye on him."

Caius did not hide his thoughts. He would bide his time. Eventually I would make a mistake that couldn't be rectified through Aro's intervention.

For Aro, Caius' concession to spare my life was all that he needed. His face took on a more pensive look and again I suspect for those around him, he appeared to be deciding my fate. But I could already see that he had no intention of moving me down with the rest of the guard.

"Edward. Do you know why Carlisle's memories brought you to Marcus' chambers?"

I shook my head. "I didn't know that was where the stairs led." Aro would know this but I said it for Caius' benefit.

"Carlisle spent many hours with Marcus, enjoying the books from his private collection. They also had many heated discussions over the morality of feeding from humans. Marcus is a student of human religious studies and enjoyed challenging Carlisle on his arguments." Aro said with a chuckle.

I couldn't imagine Marcus challenging anyone on anything but I wasn't in the position to argue.

"Marcus wishes for you to visit him again. He will send someone to get you when he is ready for your audience."

This apparently was news to Caius who growled from somewhere down the great hall that he'd retreated to with his bodyguards. Only Aro, Jane and Reneta remained at my door.

I nodded my head obediently not able to fathom what the third uninvolved brother could possible want with me.

"Edward?"

I was caught off guard by the questioning tone in Aro's voice and realized I'd broken his intense gaze and was staring at the skylights above me. The weather did indeed look pleasant. I refocused on him.

"You must be careful, Edward. I can only keep Caius under control as long as you behave yourself around Marcus. Is there any reason to think you won't be able to?"

"I should stay here." I mumbled. I did not want to be forced to interact with any of them.

"Yes I'm sure you would be happier but indulge him, please." Aro wasn't making a request. He was hiding something, keeping it buried just beyond my ability to see it; the powers of his mind enabled him to block me without reciting text or thinking of specific subjects. He could almost put up a wall to his thoughts that kept me from viewing them. Or perhaps this was just another example of the weakness of my mind. I could no longer focus on the thoughts of those around me, at least not when I wanted too.

A flutter of anxiety rippled through my abdomen and it occurred to me that Marcus and I shared a kinship of sorts. "He won't ask me about Bella will he?"

"Hmmm. Interesting. I hadn't thought of that, but no, I don't think he will ask you about Bella." Aro nodded his understanding and turned to leave. "Stay in your room until you are summoned."

I sighed. How was it that despite all my good intentions I could not keep from drawing attention to myself? What could Marcus want with me? It would make sense that Carlisle might seek him out. Marcus' disposition fit Carlisle's demeanor, but I couldn't recall a single conversation he'd had with the ancient one and this put me on edge. I was not Carlisle and no amount of pretending for Marcus' amusement would change that.

* * *

Marcus' thoughts revealed my summons before I was directly retrieved. He had gone out in the courtyard and enjoyed the day for his Didyme and was now back in his room staring at her portrait barely making an effort to send one of his guards to retrieve me.

My feet felt heavy as I climbed the stairs following the unfamiliar vampire who'd introduced himself as Corin to Marcus chambers. This time I waited as the vampire entered, putting himself between Marcus and me. There was no other guard in the room and this surprised me. Would one vampire be enough to stop me if I were as out of control and dangerous as Caius insinuated?

"Corin has a gift." Marcus' eyes were on me and he spoke as if reading my mind. "Would you like to experience it?"

I shook my head violently and Marcus chuckled. I'd had enough with Jane's gift and my share of new experiences. Ignorance suddenly sounded like a very appealing existence. But I saw in the young vampire's thoughts his abilities as Marcus mentioned them and understood the general concept of it. He had a gift similar to Kate's. A touch was necessary but rather than a shock the recipient would be overcome with a great numbness of body, a weakness that would incapacitate him allowing for the intervention from others. It didn't look painful, but when Marcus caught my facial expression and understood that I'd seen it through his thoughts he smiled and I again shook my head as his eyes seemed to be encouraging me to experience it firsthand.

"You may sit; he motioned to a chair in front of him. He was seated in highback arm chair and had a slight smile on his face which I found disarming. My only experience with Marcus had been with Bella. He'd appeared sympathetic to our plight and I felt some need to repay the consideration, but I remained suspicious of his motives. He like Aro revealed nothing in his thoughts as he studied me thoughtfully. I sat as instructed with Corin between him and I.

After several seconds of silence, I spoke.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't know this was your room. I was only following Carlisle's memories."

He nodded, his red eyes flickering over me reminding me of the scene I'd walked in on. My throat burned. He appeared thoughtful as if he were considering something yet his marble features revealing nothing.

"I didn't know you and Carlisle had a relationship. I don't remember it from his thoughts."

"You would remember." He said solemnly, reminding me that the sane members of our species did not forget anything.

More silence. The tremors never left me, but the intensity of them varied. I could feel with my anxiety the shaking increase. "Why am I here?"

"Carlisle was a good friend to me. I enjoyed his company very much." Marcus spoke slowly, the cadence of his words that of a man that didn't speak much. "He would sit for many hours in this room reading. Perhaps that is why you do not recall it in his thoughts. He would not think of it specifically."

I watched his face closely. It was the closest I'd been to him and his ancient features fascinated me. I expected with all the grief he'd experienced through centuries of living without his mate that the evidence of that grief would be on his face in the lines around his mouth and creases in his forehead. But his skin was stretched taut across his skull and other than its paleness and luminescent quality, the misery of his life was not revealed in it.

"I could use another Carlisle in my life. It's been many years since I've experienced enjoyment from the presence of another vampire." He glanced at Corin. "I find most rather predictable and dull. Their thoughts and ideas do not range much further than their last feeding and the taste of blood." Corin shifted uncomfortably feeling his thirst and through him, I felt mine. I swallowed the venom in my mouth.

"You have Carlisle's control, his indulgence towards the arts and sciences, his passion for reading, his views on religion…"

"No." I said more sharply then I intended.

"No?" Marcus looked at me curiously.

"No. Carlisle and I have very differing views on religion. Most notably, he believes we have a soul and I do not."

"Interesting…interesting. You see, you already are a curiosity to me." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "So does my proposal interest you? Would you like to be my companion? I assure you, it's not difficult." More chuckles.

"I would…I would rather not." I sputtered. I did not understand what I was being asked to do, but it would involve interacting with another and I only wanted to escape back to my Carlisle memories. Marcus appeared surprised by my refusal.

"Edward, it is not possible for you to remain with us and not add value. Caius will see you down in the guard's quarters, assuming he doesn't have you destroyed. There will be little Aro can do to stop him as the situation stands now. I know you have suffered a great loss" He paused, staring lovingly at the portrait of his mate again. "I understand the depth of your grief and I can offer a reprieve from it. At my insistence you will be able to remain in Carlisle's old room, but in return you must serve me."

"I don't know what that means. What do I have to do?"

"It could be as simple as reading a favored book out loud, playing chess, engaging me in conversation. Nothing too strenuous. But there is one thing I desire above all else." His gaze became earnest.

So now the other shoe would drop.

"I want you to document my history. I will recite it to you via my memories and I'd like you to journal it for me."

"Whaa..t?" I gasped, looking sharply at him, but he was still staring lovingly at the portrait.

"I know of no other vampire older than myself that still roams this earth, except perhaps those Romanians." Marcus' lip curled in distaste.

"There may be a day when I will no longer be able to remember my past or I may, at the bare minimum, lose some of it. I want it documented as I remember it now." His cloudy eyes drifted to me as a gaped at him. "You, Edward, with your gift, can do this for me. It will be the perfect relationship. I will be able to live my memories and you will be able to record them for me."

I was speechless. I knew the memories he was referring to were of his mate. She was all he thought about. He had no interest in the Volturi's day to day operations, no desire to participate in strengthening the guard with gifted vampires or chasing down law breakers. His thoughts were only on his mate and now he wanted it documented? By me?

"I assume by your lack of response that your answer is yes?"

I knew I was being manipulated into it but was it really so bad? Would it be so difficult for me to sit here with Marcus as he reminisced about his mate? Could I do it?

I nodded my head. If this would keep me in Carlisle's room and away from the rest of the guard, away from Caius and Aro, it would be worth it.

Marcus nodded his head with me. He looked as pleased as I remember ever seeing him.

"We will start tomorrow at this time. I will tell Aro. You may leave now."

And with that I was assigned my first duty as part of the Volturi guard.

* * *

Every day after the quiet hours of morning and early afternoon had passed, I made my way to Marcus' chambers to transcribe his memories. This was not a spontaneous request or one that was generated for my benefit alone as I initially suspected. On the first day, Marcus produced a beautiful leather book with dazzling jewels embedded in the binding. Confused, I'd thought it was an ancient volume of exquisitely written words from an author long since passed, but when I opened it up, I found all the aged yellow pages were blank. The book was big, not the traditional size of a journal like the one I'd discovered of Carlisle's. Whatever it's original purpose; it would now be used to record the memories of Marcus' life, most notably those with his mate, Didyme.

He took no notice of me as I occupied the space across from him, the book across my lap, pen in hand putting the words down as I saw the memories in his thoughts. Translating images to words left me great reign for artistic freedom and though I never fashioned myself a writer, I found the images of his mind spoke to me in a way I hadn't fathomed and my literary endowment was unleashed through his mind. The memories flowed in a chronicle logical order, and I wrote with the understanding that I was writing Marcus' journal as if he'd penned it as it happened.

Didyme was beautiful by any standard, but for her day her beauty was above reproach. She had stunning black hair that reached well below her waist and was seldom pulled back. Instead it billowed out around her, a thick mane of midnight locks and she would stand before her mate a smile on her face, her body scantily clad in colorful tunics, eyes though red from with human blood were bright with life, teasing and playful and she was always laughing. She was tall for the women of her time and her slender body was fit and agile as she ran with her mate through the unpopulated region that was Eastern Europe.

I wrote as fast as his memories flowed, my handwriting neat and clear. I made no mistakes in the beautifully bound book and as each day began anew, I would catch Marcus' scent on the book and I understood that he was reading what I wrote after I left him for the night. He offered no commentary on my interpretation of his memories which led me to believe they were acceptable to him and over time any trepidation I had with my elucidation of his thoughts gradually subsided.

The most surprising result of my dictation was that my tremors were not present as I wrote. The moment I put pen to paper the twitching stopped and for a few hours each day I was relieved of the irritation of convulsing muscles.

Caius was furious when he found that I not only would be allowed to stay on in Carlisle's room, but I was given unprecedented access to Marcus with only Corin as his guard. His rants both verbal and through his thoughts were rebuffed no longer by just Aro, but Marcus as well and eventually he gave up But I understood that his silence on the matter did not mean he accepted it and any misstep on my part would be swiftly punished by Caius' hand.

For my part, I endured Marcus's happy memories with his mate that were reminiscent of my own with Bella, the magnitude of a love found than lost always damping an otherwise joyful recollection. At the end of these sessions when I scribbled out the last of Marcus' words, I was left empty and hollow, devoid of any feeling and barely had the energy to leave my seat and proceed back to my room.

Carlisle's memories were much neglected as I found my thoughts focusing more on Bella during this time, imagining myself as Marcus did with his mate, holding Bella in my arms as she slept each night, sitting next to me in that miserable biology class each day, her painfully sweet scent filling my car as I drove her home or back to my house and our endless hours spent cuddling in my room. I found I could do little else but bask in those memories spending hours locked in my room ignoring the books and hidden treasures that Carlisle's memories had opened up for me; many still waiting to be found and explored.

My downward emotional spiral was not lost on Aro and after requesting my hand, he observed my obsession with my memories, the same obsession that consumed Marcus and he fretted over it, leaving his thoughts open to me for the briefest of moments.

Again he asked me to join them to feed and if the burn in my throat had a voice it would be screaming YES…YES…YES. But the voice of my thirst remained mute and I slid out from under Aro's hand, denying again my natural food source in favor of the disgusting blood of the goats that I was beginning to think Aro deliberately provided for me, always leaving me hungry for something more.

If I thought the first human feeding was bad, it was nothing compared to the second, thirty-two days after arriving in Volterra. I got a taste for what was coming from Corin as he sat in his usual spot well away from Marcus and I, now that I'd proven I was in control, reading a book that he didn't understand on astronomy. His desire to permeate intelligence in front of his master wasn't lost on me and I wondered if it would be prudent for me to inform him that Marcus barely gave him a thought outside of issuing an order.

On this day, Corin's thoughts were not on his master or the book in front of him. Instead he was envisioning snatching a human from the grouping herded together like cattle in the turret room. He was remembering his last feeding, waiting patiently, his control as with the others, impeccable as the masters and their wives choose their prey first, then the elite guard, with the rest following in order of their rank. Corin was somewhere in the middle and he grabbed a middle age women who'd been struck silent with the horror unfolding in front of her. She did not react to him as he yanked her head back and bit….hungrily nursing the delectable blood as it pumped from her.

He groaned with the memory of it, but upon opening his eyes he was greeted with my look of horror and Marcus' amused understanding, the reaction of both of us forcing him to look away in embarrassment. It was too late for me; my hand holding the pen trembled violent over an unblemished page as I prepared to transcribe Marcus' last memories. My other hand reached for my throat in a futile attempt to stop the burn.

"Put the pen down Edward. We will stop for the day." Marcus said politely noting my distress. "My thoughts are on other things in any case."

And they were. Unsympathetic to my plight he too was imagining the feeding that was to come hours from now. His lips curling back in a hideous sneer as he recounted countless standout kills from his recent past. He lingered on one that had him taking a mother and daughter, the daughter still a young teen the sweetness of her blood particularly unforgettable. He'd held the girl by the throat as he drank from her mother savoring what he viewed as his dessert taking her limp unconscious body back to his chamber, this chamber, to feed in private. This, I found through his thoughts was not uncommon for him and I shuddered despite the burning need to drink from the humans in his thoughts, myself. The last human he'd fed on, the one I walked in on was his only human of that day. He'd snatched her as she walked into the turret room and carried her struggling body back to his chamber to enjoy the solitude of the only pleasure he still had in this life.

It wasn't until I was whimpering and panting that he shook his head of the memories of his feedings, erasing the images and dismissing me back to my room. As the humans approached I was bombarded by their thoughts, slamming at me from all sides, most were fascinated by the interior layout of the rooms they were guided through on the pretense of a tour, but some understood they were surrounded by evil and still others tried to turn back, gently dissuaded by the vampires herding them, reassuring them that the way out was just up ahead.

Where I lay on the floor in front of that familiar ancient fireplace, I could not smell the humans, the blood or the vampires about to enjoy the feast, but the sounds, and more importantly the thoughts were inescapable and for the next several minutes I was pummeled with both human and vampire thoughts on opposite ends of the spectrum.

The all consuming terror of the humans accompanied by the delightful depraved thrill of the vampires as they snatched their prey, held the bodies possessively to them, crushing bones and eliciting screams of pain that intermingled with the shrieks of terror and finally the soft grunts of pleasure as the vampires bit into their hapless victims, growling when another vampire got to close but otherwise enjoying the delicious fluid that pumped from the exposed artery as the victim slowly gagged and gurgled out their life blood, sustaining the predator that sucked at their neck.

I wasn't sure how long I laid in a fetal position on the floor of that room waiting for the thoughts and sounds to dissipate, but eventually I was aware of Aro's presence, accompanied only by Jane, both their eyes pulsating red with human blood and Aro's, looking surprisingly clear of the film that usually clouded them.

"Edward…Edward….why do you torture yourself. If you would only give yourself over to your natural instincts you would see that you are fulfilling nature's call." He said wiping from his lips the residue of his feeding. To my horror, the thought of that life giving blood so tantalizing close to me created a new kind of tremor, one of desire, a desire to feed.

"I have only the upmost respect for Carlisle, understand that Edward, but this ridiculous notion that you must feed from animals is…well for lack of a better word…inhumane.

I snorted but Aro remained undeterred.

"He has tortured you with his insistence that you feed from the disgusting blood of animals and for one that holds such a strong view on living a compassionate existence, it's completely hypocritical. Did he ever tell you that I've tried the blood of animals, myself?"

This surprised me and I rolled on my back to look at him.

"No I suspected as much. I very much wanted to embrace Carlisle's philosophy on feeding from animals. Not for myself, but as another alternative that would give those of us with bouts of guilt another choice. I was not impressed and found it as inconceivable as most humans would if they were asked to feed off the flesh of their own species."

He squatted next to me and rested a hand on my shoulder.

"Carlisle is a unique individual. I will give you that. But for him to force his beliefs on others of his creation is misguided."

"It's not!" I spat out shaking off his hand. "We all do it. We all resist. It's not impossible, we aren't animals, we can control ourselves." This argument had come from Carlisle's lip many times and it was second nature for me to recite it.

Aro had heard the argument too and he chuckled, infuriating me, though I knew where his humor derived from. He understood that I was imitating Carlisle's belief, one that I didn't necessarily hold myself.

"I have to say that I'm very surprised by his coven's restraint. Particularly Rosalie is it? She's never tasted human blood yet she has the temperament for a warrior." He laughed again. He'd pulled from my memories the details of my family and I felt an inking of fear flush through my body. It wasn't a feeling I'd had for several weeks, not since leaving Mexico. The understanding that Aro had intimate knowledge of my family…my former family, terrified me.

"And sweet Alice. She denies herself because she fashions herself human and she almost is, isn't she? And Esme, she is able to resist because Carlisle would not be mated to one that fed off of humans. Isn't that true? And the other two males. Well they are barely hanging on aren't they? They struggle with it and only the love for their mates keep them in line. And what of you Edward, what is your motivation?"

I opened my mouth to speak. Nothing I could say that would be truthful would be something he didn't already know, but he looked curious, like he truly didn't understand. I thought about it again and felt the argument form in my mind.

"It's wrong. We aren't monsters. We can control ourselves." To my horror I realized I was reciting the same mantra again.

"You refrain because it is Carlisle's will, isn't that right Edward?" Aro's eyes were probing, intense. "But he is not here. You don't have to deny yourself for a belief that is flawed from conception. It would not displease me or Marcus or even Caius who you seem to aggravate by your very presence, if you fed from humans. Why can't you see that denying your basic instinct weakens you? The call of the blood is a call of life. It's natural for you to drink human blood. Why do you deny your natural food source? It's no wonder you are suffering from so many ailments.

"Stop," I whispered.

I knew what he was doing. He was trying to weaken my loyalty to Carlisle and his ideals and it was working. Little by little I felt my resolve soften. His arguments sounded reasonable and I struggled to remember Carlisle's assertions that it was wrong.

"I'm not trying to torture you, young one. I'm trying to help you. Do not let the visions and ideals of one man lead you on a path you were never meant to follow. It is admirable that you try, but in the end that is Carlisle's journey, not yours. You do not owe him your loyalty any longer."

I sprung to my feet without thinking about the consequences, hissing and spatting at the vampire in front of me and just as quickly, I was back on the ground pinned under Jane's torturous gift, my screams barely contained and then it was gone.

_I'm sorry. _

Was Aro apologizing to me? He was no longer squatting next to me but stood across the room eyeing me warily.

"I mean no disrespect to Carlisle, believe me. He is one of the few vampires that I've truly admired and I am overjoyed that his chosen path in life has brought with it many of the joys that I feared he would never find. But that is Carlisle's life, his choice; it doesn't have to be yours."

With that he left me, but I read the pity in his thoughts and I felt a new emotion, anger. Anger at Aro for torturing me with this life, anger at Carlisle for changing me in the first place and anger at myself for all the failures strewn across the expanses of my long life and my inability to extract myself from it.

With the passing of the bi-monthly feeding, the memories of bloodlust subsided and I was offered a brief respite from the torture. I tried not to think about the next feeding and the next, wondering how I would be able to withstand the assault again and again and why I continued to try. It wasn't like I had any hope of returning to Carlisle. I'd little doubt that he and the rest of my family knew where I was. Alice would have seen it.

Other than Carlisle's memories of his time in Volturi, I avoided any specific thoughts of those I left behind back in Forks. It was just too painful. I betrayed them with my deception and flight to Mexico after agreeing to go to Denali. How would Carlisle feel about that? If I answered honestly, I understood that like so many of my transgressions from the past, he would forgive me and welcome me home. But did they understand my journey here to Volturi? Had Alice been able to piece together what happened and what was her interpretation of the visions she saw? They couldn't know that I'd been forced here. It would be reasonable to assume I came here of my own volition. Perhaps to be destroyed as before. But Alice would have seen that too and would understand that I was still alive and now serving the Volturi. She never understood from her visions the whys; it was only a vision of the incident that she saw, not the reasons behind it. Her interpretation would be that I was with the Volturi by choice and if my eyes glowed red in one of Alice's visions, then that would be by choice as well.

My transcriptions of Marcus' memories were often interrupted by other activities as he became more comfortable in my presence. It began with his invitation to play chess which I readily indulged him. He was a masterful player and his abilities to hide his thoughts from me even as he calculated out his strategy left me on the losing end more often than not. He seemed amused when I attempted to pull from him his next move and often used it to his advantage, thinking of moving one piece but then abruptly moving another.

Other times he had me read to him from his vast private library. I did not understand this myself, his thoughts revealing his brilliant memory as he recited word for word the text as I read it regardless of which book I choose to read him, raising an eyebrow in my direction when I skipped over sections that I found painful or too intimate to recite out loud in his presence.

Corin was no longer present during our time together. I'd proven myself trustworthy in Marcus' estimation and through Aro's touch. There were no hidden thoughts of betrayal and I held no ill feelings towards the ancient one who distracted me in the simplest of methods. I didn't always interact with Marcus when I came to his room. Often he would wave me away and I would spend the hours reading silently or pulling a memory of Carlisle as he sat in Marcus' room reading books that were no longer part of the library or staring thoughtfully at the ornate paneling that hadn't changed from his time.

I did not understand this lack of interaction between myself and Marcus. It made no sense that I came to his room and did nothing more than curl into myself, into memories, images of Bella, Marcus' memories of his Didyme, books that I could have just as easily read in my own room or the random thoughts of the guard that would catch my attention from time to time. The times when I asked him if I should leave were met with a shake of his head and thoughts of _stay and keep me company_. Perhaps he was insinuating to the brothers that he needed me more than he did so that I could remain in my quarters in Carlisle's room. His company wasn't difficult to keep and my all consuming need to remain sequestered from the others made his simple requests easy to fulfill.

* * *

I tried to ignore the apprehension I felt when I was asked by Corin not to report to Marcus' chambers one afternoon, but a quick check of the vampire's thoughts revealed the arrival of unexpected guests that required Marcus' presence. I suppressed a feeling of resentment that I was not asked to accompany him and the others to the receiving area in the lower levels of the castle; my disappointment surprising me given my abhorrence to having anything to do with the guard and the inner workings of the castle. My gift allowed me to be there through the eyes of the others and I was pacified that I could at least observe what was happening as the brothers took their place on their _thrones_ with the guard arranged in what I'd come to understand a type of formation; every vampire positioned in a manner that would best serve and protect the brothers.

The vampires assembled before them were unfamiliar to me, but at least one of them, the one that interacted directly with Aro, was an acquaintance, perhaps even a friend. Though Renata and Jane remained tightly bound to their master, he appeared unconcerned as he reached for the vampire's hand and his thoughts revealed nothing that suggested suspicion or alarm. Judging from their appearance they were not nomads. Their clothing was neat and modern and they lacked the unkempt look generally associated with the free roaming ones with no permanent residence. As the conversation between the Aro and the newcomer, Cedric moved to reminisces of past shared experiences, I drifted to the minds of the others that accompanied him.

There were four, including Cedric. The two other males and a female stood slightly behind Cedric deferring, I expected to his position as leader of the group. They remained mute during the conversations and only nodded politely at questions from Aro or Caius directed specifically at them. Initially I observed them through the eyes of Demetri who always offered a good perspective, seldom distracted by the other guard or specific movements by one of the brothers. Demetri was not aligned with any one brother, available to offer assistance to any of them in times of trouble. Felix too appeared to act as a bodyguard for all of them, but he was not particularly observant and was easily distracted by the coy comments from a female or the disparaging remarks from a rival.

It was through Demetri's view that I observed one of the visiting males slowly separate himself from the others. His movements were so inconspicuous, so inconceivable slow that if one hadn't been watching for it, it would have gone undetected. I marked his movement against the stone wall behind him as Demetri surveyed all of them equally and his eyes would often drift away. When his gaze shifted back, the vampire had moved again and again I would mark his progress. Initially his mind revealed nothing other than an obsessive interest in the number of buttons that decorated the outer coat worn by Caius' mate, Athenodora.

As was the case with Quentin when I first tried to read him in Mexico, vampires associated with the Volturi or in the presence of the Volturi had a profound need to protect their thoughts. I wasn't sure if this was so because Aro's gift suggested the ability to read minds was possible even in others or if it was a defense mechanism brought on by suspicion and fear. By counting and recounting such a mundane thing as the buttons of a coat, it propelled me to believe that this vampire was hiding something and that drew my suspicious as much as his subtle movement along the wall had.

I jumped from Demetri's mind to the vampire's thoughts trying to read beyond the shield he'd erected. I was fortunate enough to be in his mind when the slip happened and what it revealed inspired a prolonged gasp that exploded from my lips as I bolted upright from the leather chair. In seconds I was moving down the great hall toward the door that held the spiral staircase. I'd never proceeded down the stairs, understanding that it would bring me directly to the turret room, preferring to meander along the winding tunnels if Carlisle's memories brought me near the guard's quarters. But I had no time to meander and judged that what I saw in that vampire's thoughts was just minutes from happening, perhaps less.

At the foot of the stairs I turned away from the room that held the lingering smell of human blood and swallowing away the venom that pooled in my mouth, I followed the passageway around the turret that led me to the arched door now secured by two members of the guard. They eyed me suspiciously, startled by my sudden appearance. Their duty no doubt was just this, to allow no further vampires to enter and perhaps to keep any from escaping the room. I had little time to explain my actions and little hope that they would believe my explanation in any case, so the shortest course of resistance was to lie.

"Aro has requested my presence." I whispered as softly as I dared without raising suspicion. The vampires on the other side of the door would be able to hear me if they chose too.

They looked at each other unsure, skeptical in light that it was highly unusual that a vampire summoned to serve the brothers would be late and not properly clothed in the gray cloak of the attending guard.

"He asked for me in his thoughts." I tried again, addressing at least their first concern. "Please, it's very important."

Again, they were reluctant to oblige but in light of my mind reading abilities that even without direct introduction they were aware of, it sounded reasonable.

"I will announce you," one of them said slowly, reluctantly, uncomfortable interrupting the proceedings beyond the door.

I refrained from saying anything further. I was back in the mind of the suspicious vampire. He'd moved several inches since I viewed him last and his thoughts were more agitated, more intense…it would be soon.

With a groan the old door creaked open and every head in the room snapped around to gawk at me as I burst past the astonished guards into the crowded chamber. Stunned silence greeted my appearance and I realized I'd violated the protocol that dictated the behavior among this _court._

The resounding sounds of the thoughts of those in the room were not quiet and as had been my struggle in the past, I refrained from covering my ears.

_Enough of this disobedience. I will destroy him myself, if Aro won't indulge me_. Caius thoughts blasted me above all the others.

Marcus was startled out of a memory and hadn't absorbed my presence. There were snickers from some of the guard; Jane's face sported a grin that was anything but friendly. Alec, who took his duties seriously, was insulted by my abrupt presence and lack of proper attire. Aro's mate, Sulpicia was sympathetic and Athenodora appeared embarrassed for me

Aro had turned and was looking at me oddly, nothing was in his thoughts and I felt myself tense wondering if I'd committed such a _faux pas_ that I would be destroyed on the spot without being given an opportunity to speak.

Instead he held out his hand to me and in his lilting voice that rang out with delight he startled me with his pronouncement.

"Ahhh look who finally joined us, my friends. Here is the newest member of our guard, come…come…Edward greet our guests." And with that, his hand was around mine pulling me to him pushing Renata away so that I might enter his space. And though his face had lost none of its friendly overtures as he turned back to the visiting vampires, he let me see his thoughts and they were a reflection of mine.

He knew.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

**_I took some liberties with Marcus' age. I suspect the Romanians might be older, but I could find nothing documenting their exact age. The assumption is that Aro is the oldest of the Volturi, but again, I don't recall specifics of that. If anyone has additional information for me, please let me know. I try to keep things as canon as possible. Well except for a dead Bella and this bizarre journey of Edwards. ;o)_**

**_Another note. The vampire Corin was mentioned in the index of Breaking Dawn, but I don't recall him specifically in the books. He is suppose to have a gift which was never revealed so I made one up for him._**

**_Finally, with regard to Marcus and Edward's relationship. If you've read Submit (my other story), this plotline was aching for some of that dominant/submissive action and if this chapter were in that story...well...the word companion would have had an entirely different meaning. lol As it is, there is still something going on behind the scenes and there is a reason that Marcus is showing an interest in Edward (and no it's not that)._**

**_One more chapter in Volturi from Edward's perspective then it's back to Carlisle's POV._**


	13. Concede

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**WARNING: Graphic violence again humans and ongoing Edward angst.**_

* * *

I would never get use to the smell of the burning flesh of vampires. It was acidic and sweet like the toxic smell from an industrial fire combined with the syrupiness of bubbling baking fruit. But as I'd recently learned, the smell wasn't the worst part. It was the thoughts of the condemned; the silent screams of terror, the pleas for mercy, the horror with the realization that their body was in pieces and set ablaze and their eternal life, wasn't eternal after all. Hearing their thoughts was when I truly suffered.

But I was forced to endure it. Aro left me little choice. His hand remained firmly gripped on mine through the entire execution of the four vampires including Cedric who was not part of the assassination plot, but condemned as the others for his ignorance. Aro showed little in the way of sympathy for Cedric and his only mercy to the gullible acquaintance was incapacitating the vampire with Alec's gift before Felix and Santiago dismembered and burned him.

But the others…the others were tortured. First by Jane, one at a time, their screams resonating through the walls of the castle; then by the other guard, all given an opportunity to join the macabre scene, tearing the condemned, limb from limb and finally adding the pieces to the fire with the smoldering Cedric. I was not allowed to flee; Aro's intense fascination with the thoughts of the dying held me firmly at his side until the last of the agonizing silent screams dwindled away to nothing.

When he finally released me, I staggered, as much as a vampire could stagger to Marcus' side, seeking refuge from the only mind that brought me any respite but even his thoughts were not on the sanctity of a Didyme memory. In a rare display of interest, he watched with unabashed pleasure as the efficiency of the guard quickly eliminated and disposed of the imposters.

The assassination plot was flawed from conception. Even using Cedric as a ploy in an attempt to circumvent Aro's abilities, there was little chance of evading Alec's formable gift that could incapacitate them all simultaneously. The thoughts that first drew my attention from the vampire, Ethan, were of the destruction of Alec first, eliminating him from the equation, but I couldn't fathom how they planned on accomplishing that without incurring the wrath of Jane. The three vampires never believed they would survive the attacks and only looked to instill as much damage on the Volturi brothers as they could; an act of revenge over the annihilation of their coven some thirty years before.

The Volturi were efficient if nothing else and centuries of living under the threat of an overthrow provided them with plenty of time to refine and perfect their technique so once I alerted them, or more specifically, once I conveyed the thoughts of Ethan to Aro, he'd been able to signal his guard of the danger and the matter was quickly resolved.

The plot was not without its merits however. The wives of the brothers were considered prime targets, easy targets as the guard would close in to protect the brothers first. Even bringing down one wife could substantially weaken her mate. Marcus was proof of that. Once the danger had passed, I was surprised to see Caius gather Athenodra in his arms holding her tightly to his body as his nervous guards hovered around them, expecting the next wave of the enemy to breach the castle at any moment.

I paid little mind to the other guards as they milled around the dying embers, their excitement and enthusiasm for a mission well done barely contained. I was anxious for Marcus to leave the room, preparing to slip out with him before Aro could assign me to clean up duty or some other revolting task. But Marcus made no attempt to leave settling in his throne-like chair, Corin glued to his side with me on the other, waiting.

I wasn't sure when I noticed the change, felt the nudging of the thoughts of those around me, imploring me to look up at them. They were all staring at me. I could feel their eyes on me, see me through them still quaking, the sights and sounds of the dying clinging to me as much as the odor of the smoke. I did not hear their scoffs, their snickers and snide comments. Instead they were looking at me with gratitude and their silent thank yous and expressions of praise invaded my consciousness much the way their insults had. The resounding consensus was that of relief and an unbridled joy and I realized that they held their masters in great deference, felt the desire to serve and protect, an ingrained duty that they did not take lightly. They'd been afraid for the lives of those they were meant to serve and my contribution at great personal risk to myself was met with awe.

"So now, brother, you see what Edward can do for us?"

I looked up at the sound of my name and noticed Aro was staring at Caius, a slight smirk on his face.

Sensing my gaze, they both looked at me. In Aro's eyes, I saw satisfaction, a confirmation of my value and something that gave me an odd pleasurable sensation similar to when Carlisle looked upon me with pride. Caius' gaze were even more disconcerting, his expression even more obvious in its connotation. The disgust, distaste and annoyance was gone, replaced with understanding, a resolute concession to his brother and maybe even something akin to gratefulness to me.

"You did well, Edward. Very well." Aro spoke for the benefit of those around us. "I'm pleased you were given the chance to display the remarkable power of your gift so soon and so convincingly."

Caius only nodded, but in his mind I saw his thoughts meant only for me. _You've done well, young one. Perhaps I underestimated what you bring to us._

I nodded deferentially to both of them and Aro raised an eyebrow recognizing that Caius had acknowledged me as well.

Jane at his side was fuming and despite my recent torment, I couldn't help but smirk in her direction. She did not like it when glory was given to another, even if I had potentially saved her brother's life with my intervention.

"Children, children," Aro clapped his hands together noticing Jane and my silent exchange. "Certainly Jane, you are not so put out by Edward's gift that you don't understand what he brings to us. We all have our place, all bring our own strengths. You mustn't condemn Edward his, but think how you will be able to use it to administer your own brand of talent."

My smile faded as Jane, understanding Aro's meaning, grinned pointedly in my direction.

"Of course master, I hadn't thought of that."

Wonderful. Now I would be used as a tool for Jane to torture others. Any minuscule bit of smugness I felt was quickly erased.

Mercifully, Marcus feeling my torment provided me a way out. "I would like you to transcribe for me Edward. Come."

So with Corin on one side and I on the other we followed Marcus from the room and back to his chambers, but not before I heard Aro's last thoughts directed at no one in particular.

_So that's how it's going to be than; he's made his choice. _ He sounded pleased.

The week following my conspicuous intervention and subsequent demise of the vampires involved in the assassination attempt of the brothers brought with it an entirely new perspective of the Volturi. No longer was I treated as a prisoner, an invader, a disruption to the discipline long held by the guard; instead I was revered, thought of fondly, and even sought out by those choosing to align themselves with me recognizing my worth in adding me as their _friend_. I'd secured a foothold in the perilous pyramid of power, my value exponentially elevated and with it, my position exaggerated.

I still went every day to Marcus' room and did his bidding; still transcribing his memories, reading to him, playing and usually losing to him in chess; but now I was asked to accompany him when he made his rounds of the castle or wandered out into the courtyard. The most significant difference was that for the first time, I was allowed up in the general common area of the private quarters of the brothers and their mates. A place they often gathered along with their most intimate personal guards, to socialize gossip, strategize and reside in communal comfortable silence.

Jane was there and Alec, sometimes Chelsea and Afton and now me along with what I could only describe as ladies in waiting; females that fluttered about their mistresses attending to their every need. I felt the tight knot in my stomach and the tremors intensify the first time I was asked to accompany Marcus to the private chambers, not sure what to expect, but on the second and certainly the third visit, I felt more relaxed, realizing that I was nothing more than a backdrop in the room; standing quietly by Marcus' chair, much in the way the Alec did with Caius or Jane with Aro.

And this I could do, blending quietly into the background, drifting into my own memories, my own fantasies, much as I did when I was alone in my room. Nothing was asked of me other than to presumably protect the brothers in case of a bold attack or do the simple bidding that required me to retrieve a book or contribute a bit of insight to a debate or tantalizing piece of gossip.

I was taken off guard when Sulpicia asked on my fourth such visit if I would mind playing the piano, the classics preferably. It wasn't a request, I understood that now; the brothers nor their wives, requested anything. They simply stated it as such to give the allusion of the option to decline. But I'd never heard anyone decline a request and I wasn't about too now.

Initially I felt the flutter of anxiety, wondering if my tremors would affect my play, but when I settled into a familiar piece by Mozart, one that I was truly accomplished in and had been for decades, I found that as when I transcribed Marcus' memories, my tremors mysteriously disappeared and my play was unimpeded by them, my fingers flying over the keys bringing appreciative mummers from my audience.

So this became another of my duties, chores responsibilities or however one choose to define it. I would be summoned to play, often without the brothers in attendance, at the whims of the wives and though I derived no real joy from the experience, it gave me another means to pass the time and there were certainly worse things I could be doing.

Carlisle's memories of the private areas of the brother's quarters though numerous, could not be explored as much as I might have wanted too. I was not given unbarred access to the rooms and once my duty to my mistresses or masters was complete, I was not allowed to linger in the rooms. But I did delight the wives in particularly when I mimicked Carlisle's actions by sitting in his favorite chair in the room, repeating memorable comments he'd made, reciting the meaning behind a unique painting or work of art or arguing a view point that I wouldn't possibly know to have, unless I'd been privy to Carlisle's memories.

I felt like a trained monkey, my antics an amusing topic of conversation for the bored occupants of the castle, but there was some comfort in being nothing more than a sideshow. I was not expected to contribute anything worthwhile to conversations. I did not need to appear happy or hide my ever present depression that threatened to choke me at times. As long as I served in whatever capacity was asked of me, I was allowed my privacy. No one interfered or question whether it was healthy for me to spend so much time alone locked in my mind and I felt no burden to hide it.

Even Aro, who initially appeared concerned for my mental condition, now was satisfied that despite my odd idiosyncrasies, I would be able to perform whatever duties he assigned me and could still come to rational decisions without the prompting of the others as I'd proven when I'd derailed the assassination attempt.

My appearance in a gray cloak at Marcus' side for the first time, drew raised eyebrows by some of the guard, but my mind was no longer bombarded with their thoughts and after my presence was absorbed, I was relieved to see that I was beginning to blend in with the other guard, no longer the strange oddity that had invaded their predictable and secure environment.

Until I became a regular attendee, I'd not realized how often the brothers accepted visitors, often several times a week and with me now present in the chambers, there was a simple understanding from the entire guard, that I brought with me the gift that would make it very difficult for another imposter to gain close access to the brothers. I tried to stay focused, tried not to let my mind drift understanding that more than any other time during their day, the brothers were always in a danger when they were greeted by outsiders, but the mundane day to day visitors most of whom only wanted to meet the brothers out of curiosity, offered little in the way of distraction for me and I found it hard to focus on them.

More often I would view the thoughts of peers, taking note of the deeply held rivalries between some guard members, the trivial spats, the love triangles, and secret matings. I saw that Felix was generally disliked among his fellow guardsmen and Jane was detested. More than one vampire wished for her death whenever she left the castle on an errand for her masters.

Chelsea and her mate Afton, were as close to being members of the brothers inner circle as anyone and kept mostly to themselves, only coming to the greeting chamber at the special request of the brothers. They too were viewed with jealousy by many of the other guard who observed Chelsea in particular, with distrust, assuming she manipulated their loyalties or passionate hatreds for each other at her whim.

But it wasn't these thoughts that drew my attention as much as I was drawn into those of the guard like Corin or Quentin or even some of the lesser ranking guard like Antonio who had no gift and was part of the guard only because of an undying devotion to those he served. This echelon of the guard, appeared completely devoted to their masters, revered them, placed them on a pedestal, worshiping the very ground they walked on. And this mindset fascinated me with its simplicity. What could make a vampire, who had so many talents, so many enhanced abilities, so many physical gifts, become nothing more than a nursemaid to his master and enjoy it, revel in it, derive great satisfaction from it?

On the rare occasion when I actually spoke without being chided into it, I questioned Aro on the nature of the guard. What made them so devoted, so willing to serve? What did they get out of it?

Aro appeared thoughtful, then amused. I seldom broached him on any subject anymore, preferring to keep all my questions, which were few, for Marcus, who would answer without becoming too introspective and inquisitive about the basis for my question.

"I know it's difficult for you to understand, given the way you were brought into this life with Carlisle as your creator, but there are a great many vampires that hold no higher desire in life, but to serve others." I had the feeling that Aro's words were carefully chosen.

"When we are changed, we lose most of our human memories and if we aren't reminded of them, eventually we lose them all. Most vampires are not encouraged by their creators to remember. This is inherently an undesirable symptom of the change. A newborn, as you know, is difficult enough to control. There must be a bond that is formed from conception; a need for the newborn to venerate his creator, to seek council and guidance and this general helplessness creates the bond." Aro paused.

We were in the private quarters with only a few other vampires present. I deliberately waited for this small amount of privacy so Aro would feel he could speak freely.

"Over time, usually at the initiative of the creator, the bond might be severed. The young one is encouraged to seek independence, perhaps find a mate. This is especially true if the vampire was created by accident. However, often, a vampire is created for the sole purpose of becoming a guard or protector of a coven, the leader and his mate. If that is the case, then the creator does not encourage the young one to seek outside interests and provides everything including meals to encourage loyalty. The newborn has no past memories and is unable to reconcile his human life with his vampire life. Serving his master is all he knows.

"And that's what you do here…create newborns who know of no other existence so they are loyal to you?"

Aro looked up from a book he was studying.

"Yes we've done that of course. But not all our guard comes from our own creation. Many are recruited."

"Then why…" I started to interrupt but stopped when I saw Aro's thoughts.

_We give these lost souls a home. A purpose. A reason for their existence. _"And in return they give us their loyalty, their devoted service. Is that not a fair trade?"

I said nothing more. It made sense. My life with Carlisle aside, I understood that most vampires were lonely and drifted through all of eternity forming no real bond to other vampires. The lucky ones mated, but for many more, they held no strong kinship to others of their species and often viewed them as rivals for territory and food. Belonging to a coven, feeling needed, serving for the greater good was at most what any of them could strive for.

Few ever left the guard and given that most could, it spoke volumes for their loyalty and dedication; their sense of duty and responsibility. So it was in these minds that I spent a good part of my hours as I stood at Marcus' side, the blankness and utter lack of defiance blissfully tranquil given the kinetic thoughts of the brothers and the trivial spats and bickering of the more elite guard.

I didn't see it coming.

Even with my _powerful_ gift as Aro liked to call it, I never saw it coming. Not in Marcus' thoughts, not in Caius' and certainly not in Aro's. I suspected the rest didn't know; none of the guard, the wives…none of them. It would have been a carefully guarded secret; a secret that they could trust with no one, not if they wanted to keep it from me.

I was in Marcus' memories, lost in them, finding solace as much from his remembrances as I did with my own. He was picturing his Didyme as she ran along the edge of the Mediterranean Sea, dancing along it really, her feet lightly touching the ground, jumping over the waves that lapped at her feet, giggling her delight as Marcus watched her lovingly, her beautiful feminine form illuminated by the moonlight. It was mesmerizing and I felt myself drawn into it, a third party on that beach, smelling the wet salty air of the sea, Marcus' vampire senses becoming my own, making everything that much more vivid, that much more intense, that much more authentic to me.

I was startled as Marcus' head snapped up away from the vision of his mate, his memory of scent one step behind what he visually saw. It was like watching a foreign film dubbed in English, the reaction of the actors out of sync with the spoken words. He'd caught scent of something and Didyme too reacted to it, her playfulness gone, her posture that of predator as she sniffed hungrily into the wind, searching for the tantalizing odor of human that drifted over them with the changing of the breezes. Their attention was pulled from the beautiful romantic scene on the beach and they bolted, running through the trees, Didyme taking the lead, Marcus conceding to his mate barely able to control his bloodlust, giving her the privilege of taking down her meal first.

And I was running with them, my senses overflowing with the powerful aroma that called to me demanding that I take notice. Vaguely I was aware of Corin's entry in the room, his thoughts distracting and from his eyes, I could see his confusion as my hand hovered over the pristine yellow page of the journal, my eyes staring blankly straight ahead, thoughts of transcribing Marcus' words long forgotten as I was enveloped into Marcus' memory of tracking and hunting humans.

He saw his mate take down the first human she came across, a young man guarding the perimeter of a camp. The human barely uttered a squeak as she latched onto his throat, the sounds of her feeding, the familiar grunts of pleasure, drawing a whimper from my own lips. Marcus' eyes shifted away from her to the other humans just up ahead, their location identified by the flickering fire casting shadows against a makeshift shelter of animal hides stretched across wooden poles. The man squatting near it, warming himself only had enough time to gape at the creature that flew at him through the woods, the sickening snap of his back as he was pulled into Marcus' embrace clearly audible even through Marcus' ancient memories. The screams of the others were barely distracting, the scent of fear strong, but not overpowering; it was the blood that dominated the senses. More sounds of terror, pleas, prayers and Didyme had snatched another…

"Edward."

I blinked breaking my fixation on his memory. Marcus was no longer sitting in his chair. I looked at the journal and gasped. My neat handwriting had been reduced to scribbles. The beautiful antiquated page was ruined.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled, shaking my head, trying to clear it, but the smell of human was still in the air.

_Edward. Look at me. _Marcus seldom spoke to me through his thoughts other than when he was transcribing his memories.

I turned in the chair, following the perimeter of the room, passed the door that led to the common area of the brothers quarters, passed the wall of towering bookcases, finally resting on the door that I used to come and go, the door that led down to the turret room. Marcus was standing at the door, but he wasn't alone. In his hand, held casually by the throat was a limp human, a blond female, her eyes were open, blue eyes; she was staring blankly at nothing, dead eyes, but then they blinked.

He moved toward me, holding the human slightly away from him.

_Edward? Your eyes are black. You need to feed._

I bolted from my chair and pressed myself against the far wall of the room. My escape route was blocked. The only way out was through the door to my left, and I could hear the wives on the other side chatting calmly. It would not do to startle them with my sudden appearance. Besides, Corin blocked that route. I saw him crouch. He was anticipating any attempt to flee.

Glancing back at Marcus, I could see he'd advanced on me. The rapid fluttering of the human's chest clearly visible was like a captured bird, quivering under the grip of a formidable predator and I was riveted by it. I reached out my hand in a futile gesture to stop his advance. I tried holding my breath, but depriving myself of her scent could not stop Marcus' thoughts of it and he sucked at the air hungrily, enticing me. I groaned out my need.

Behind him I saw Alec. He too was holding a human. The male dangled limply by an arm, but I could hear the heartbeat, the tha-thump tha-thump. He was using his gift, incapacitating them, for what purpose I didn't immediately understand. The humans posed no threat and could be easily contained without it.

"We've indulged you, but now it's time you joined us and fed properly." Marcus' voice, still sluggish from lack of use sounded much like Aro's with his arguments. I was surprised his brother wasn't here persuading me too.

"No," I mumbled. "No, I can't. I'm not a monster." The scent was intoxicating.

"They can't feel anything. Alec has taken care of that. They have no idea where they are. Take the female first_." _ He held it, _her_ out to me.

_It would please me very much if you would do this, Edward_.

My hands clenched in fists and I pressed them against my teeth, biting down, willing the pain to offer a distraction, anything to stop the tempting allure of the blood so close.

"The humans are as good as dead, Edward. You will not save them by refusing to feed from them."

And this was true. I knew it was true. I could see it in his mind, in Alec's mind. They were both imagining burying their teeth into the hot artery that pulsed with the luscious liquid, feasting on the meal I so hastily dismissed. I swallowed the venom, pooling in my mouth. My limbs trembled, not with the tremors that had plagued me over recent months, but in an attempt to restrain myself, to stop the automatic coiling of muscles that preceded the predatory lunge. My hands went to my throat, it was on fire, the burning was agonizing. I whimpered again.

"You are one of us Edward. It's time you feed with us. This isn't a request." Marcus' voice was brooding, impatient.

That was true, wasn't it? The brothers didn't make requests. They didn't offer suggestions. They only issued orders, no matter how civilized they might sound. I didn't have a choice, did I? I couldn't say no, could I?

"Jane liked the scent of this one." Alec held up the human in his hand. I heard the pop of a shoulder being dislocated. The human didn't respond. It,_ he_ felt no pain. I'll take the female."

I heard an aggressive snarl and realized it was coming from me_. Mine_.

I caught Marcus' nod, but all else was lost as he tossed the human to me and with one swift deft maneuver I snatched her from the air, yanking her body against mine, my lips pressing against the pulsing warm flesh, my teeth slicing through the skin like butter and then I had it, pulling at it, the blood, so sweet, so silky smooth, so scrumptiously amazing. How could I have resisted it for so long, how could anyone resist it? There was nothing more delicious, nothing more intoxicating, nothing on this earth that could compare to the heavenly flavor of it, thick and salty…and the aroma. With each pull of blood, I sucked in the air laced heavily with the scent of the blood. I used all my senses, delighting in the pleasure so long denied me. The warm body held firmly against my chest, the unconscious twitching of her limbs, the beating of her heart that as I anticipated, slowed as I drew her life from her. The only thing missing was the thrashing and struggles that would renew my predatory instincts, but I didn't need any other stimuli. The monster was satisfied, the blood was enough. .

I pulled back when the human was drained and my eyes locked on the other; the one held by Alec, the heart still pumping strongly in his chest, the smell of the blood driving me insane with need I growled again and was rewarded as the second human was tossed in my general direction. This one, I grabbed and pulled back to the corner of the room, eyeing the other vampires suspiciously as I pressed my lips against the vein that held the exquisite fluid, the need to take my prey and feast in private almost overwhelming. But once I distracted myself with the blood, I took little notice of them, my eyes glazing over at the extraordinary flavor flowing over my tongue. When I could draw no more from him, I discarded the human and looked for more, but my nose and ears told me everything I needed to know. There were only two and I'd fed on both.

My eyes locked with Marcus who was smiling, just a little, barely a smile on any other face but when he did it, his entire expression changed. _Very good. Very good. I am very pleased._

As I felt the blood burn through my stone body, warming me, saw the first hints of red glow touching my irises through Alec's eyes, I understood. Aro was intentionally absent. Marcus was my master and it was he who would provide me with my meals. My devotion and loyalty would be to him. And so it was him I looked too anxiously. I was still hungry.

I had taken to climbing into the fireplace when I was left alone in my room. It was a little too big and didn't quite hit the pressure points along my spine, but I found if I curled up in one corner of it, I didn't have to hold myself quite so tightly. The rock wall offered some resistance especially when I pressed back on it.

Aro was disappointed when he realized that my tremors had not subsided with the addition of human blood. His assertion that my afflictions were at least indirectly related to my denial of my natural food source had not proven true. I wasn't surprised however. Even in my weakened mental state, I knew that the tremors were not the result of a physical deprivation; it was all mental and feeding from humans would only exasperate that.

I stopped clenching my teeth when my jaw got sore and was relieved that my teeth no longer chattered. I didn't relish the idea of biting my tongue again. The first time had released a flood of the human blood I'd just devoured and though I greedily sucked on my wound recycling the blood into my system, it carried none of the appeal that it had the first time around.

As with humans on a journey of self discovery, my time away from Forks, away from my former family, away from Carlisle, had opened up my eyes and I now understood my true self. There was no longer any pull one way or the other. No longer that tug of war that had me constantly battling within myself, constantly questioning myself, always analyzing my actions, my behaviors and always wondering what I could do better, how I could make myself better, how I could rise above what I knew was hidden just below the surface.

So many times in my past, Carlisle and I had argued about the nature of our species. He holding the opinion that we were not monsters, we had souls and we could lead productive lives. I, with my opposing viewpoint, that we by our very nature were depraved and demonic. Our lack of a heartbeat proof that we were for all intents and purposes dead and could not possibly have souls; our journey to heaven interrupted the moment the beating of that organ had ceased, our souls forever lost perhaps in purgatory, perhaps already burning in the pits of hell. Yet I still wanted to believe him, believe that Carlisle through his years of religious training as a human and subsequent studies on the subject as a vampire, understood something that eluded me. I wanted to be wrong.

For a time, I felt I was losing the argument with Carlisle; felt that his confidence, his long held beliefs were born of a reality that I was only beginning to see. I felt more human than vampire, empathized with those weaker than me, protecting them from the monster, using the very strengths that defined my difference and set me apart from them. With Bella, I was almost there. Had almost believed that I wasn't what I warned her I was; the monster a figment of my imagination; the epitome of a bad Edward that always lurked behind the good Edward. But now that journey was over and there was nothing else to deduce. My long held convictions however weakened by my attempts to dispel them for my own sake, had come to fruition. I was the embodiment of evil; a demon born of the depths of hell. Any illusions I'd held of myself, fed by Carlisle and our attempts to replicate humanity had been cracked wide open. I was a monster and I finally found my lair with the Volturi.

Along with the recognition and acceptance of my wickedness was my acceptance of my role within the Volturi. Until my teeth broke the skin of that human girl, I'd been blinded to Aro's attempt to initiate me into the guard. So fervent was he that he had forgone his own selfish ambitions to have me at his side for all time, giving him access to all the thoughts of those around him with a mere touch of his hand to mine. Instead he stood aside; directing me to the brother I felt more comfortable with, that of Marcus, understanding that our shared experience and Marcus' sedate manner would do much to sooth my own erratic emotions.

Marcus was my master, the one I served, the one I protected and if this kept me in the guard, Aro was resigned to it and even welcomed it. No one was more pleased than Aro when he saw the red glow of my eyes for the first time, barely containing his delight, understanding that I was, if not his, then part of the Volturi. I would serve them for all time. I had nowhere else to go.

Four days after I fed from humans for the first time in eighty years, the others congregated in the turret room. I was invited down, but it was too soon. I still battled my true nature, still resisted what I had proven I was and instead suffered in my room, tormented by the sounds and thoughts of the dying humans, yet envious and jealous wanting to sprint down the winding stairs and join them in the feeding. Marcus fulfilling the role of the traditional creator, providing me with all my motivation, all my needs, did not disappoint and without a word, he was at my door, tossing a human into my room before continuing on to his own quarters.

Shrieks of terror, most not ethnic in their pronunciation, were intermixed with pleas in French. This poor women wasn't held under Alec's blissful painless control. She understood the depth of the evil she was surrounded by, had witnessed the death of loved ones, understood that her life was for all intents and purposes over and even her silent, but overpowering thoughts were not enough to quell the monster as I pounced on her, quickly draining her of her terror and her delightful blood.

I found a beautifully gilded mirror during my wanderings through the lower levels of the castle and promptly brought it back to my room ignoring the curious stares of some of the guard and Caius who I passed without a second glance, so familiar and at ease with my place among the brothers now. I put the mirror above the fireplace, so as I sat in the leather chair in front of it I could stare into it and be reminded with the glow of my eyes of my depravity and reprehensible behavior.

My other duties did not change. I was still Marcus' transcriber, still played piano at the request of the wives or the chattering females that surrounded them, still joined the guard with my place at Marcus' side, or Aro's when he wanted more insight on his visitor's thoughts. And now I was welcomed as part of the guard, my eye color the only previous anomaly that separated me from them, no longer an issue.

When I was released of my duties for the day, I ran quickly to my room and crawled into the fireplace, my mind focusing on anything that would distract me from myself and as painful as it was, that included memories of both Carlisle and Bella. This time, it was Bella and she was throwing a fit, because I wouldn't let her drive herself to Port Angeles in the horrible decrepit truck of hers. Her temper tantrums were almost as endearing as her clumsiness and my smiles would only incite them further.

I was in the embrace of one of those temper tantrums and it warmed me like the touch of her hand on my flesh, when I heard Carlisle's inner voice and those endless medical terms that he would recite over and over. Why he was invading this particular Bella memory I couldn't fathom. Seldom did my memories of the two of them occupy the same thoughts and it was incredibly annoying when they did. Where thoughts of Bella's fury incited smiles, Carlisle's recital of medical terms was a constant source of irritation as it meant he was blocking me. How ironic that he would block me in my memories as well. Was I going to lose him? Was my betrayal so abominable that I wouldn't be allowed to hold onto him even in my mind?

Now he was reciting his medical terms in Latin which was a challenge given that there wasn't exact translations for words like cardiomyopathy and Carlisle's attempts to make up his own words, though hilarious in the right context, did not strike me as particularly funny when I was thinking about Bella.

"Welcome…welcome…Carlisle my old friend. What a surprise."

At the sound of Aro's voice I was out of my fireplace and standing with my back pressed against the wall, in a defensive posture. The reflection in the mirror revealed the horror on my face.

It wasn't a memory. Carlisle was _here_!

* * *

**_Author Notes:_**

**_This chapter gives a lot of hints and insight into Edward's ultimate destination on this journey of self discovery. _**

**_The next chapter will be from Carlisle's POV._**


	14. Tactics

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

* * *

Carlisle's POV

I felt no strong nostalgia for Volterra as I made my way on foot through the largely unchanged city. Given that I had spent decades wandering these very streets, my lack of emotion on returning to the city of my past might have given me pause, but my attention and reason for being here was on other matters, namely Edward and more specifically how I was going to free him from Aro's clutches.

The weeks spent waiting for Alice's vision that would send me to Italy had not been of the hope and relief I'd initially felt during the hours and days following her proclamation that Edward was taken by the Volturi. Her visions, though nonspecific and cryptic all alluded to one constant; Edward was in trouble.

I tried not to dwell on it; there was nothing I could do about it, not until I brought him home, so agonizing over the details would do none of us any good. Fortunately Esme had been preoccupied with the move and hadn't asked too many questions of me which alleviated the necessity to lie…often. I still lied or at the very least distorted the details and emphasized the positives. I could think of no other option and I could not bear Esme's grief on top of everything else, so as far as Esme was concerned, we were in a waiting game and the only misfortune still facing Edward was the break in control that would drive him to feed from humans.

I did not tell Esme that Alice had seen Edward in a fit of trembling so severe, his teeth would chatter, nor did I tell her that his eyes though still ochre were hollow and vacant or that he spent countless hours alone wandering through the castle's long abandon decrepit and crumbling tunnels, his eyes staring blankly at nothing. I didn't mention how he engaged in odd unexplained actions, such as running his fingers along the mortar walls or examining random objects, books, artwork other trivial items with a fervent gaze never seen by Alice before and I might have forgotten to reveal that on more than one occasion, Alice's visions showed him withering on the floor in agony, obviously under Jane's control. Instead I mentioned visions of him playing chess with Marcus, reading or writing in a journal; all safe subjects, safe visions and this put Esme's mind at ease and allowed her to trust my decision to delay any rescue attempt until Edward succumbed to the pressure and fed from a human.

Which ultimately brought me back to my biggest worry of all. The complete lack of effort on Aro's part in making that scenario happen. Since Alice's visions didn't allow her to see the whys behind an image, it was up to me to interpret what she told me. The most shocking revelation was that Edward was being provided with animals, goats to be specific, hardly appetizing, but given that I anticipated he would be starved until he fed off of human prey, the news that Aro was attempting to meet his needs had me worried. It was not like Aro to concede to something that would disrupt or delay his plans. I'd spent years foraging for food, given little sympathy from those around me when hunting became scarce and I went weeks without feeding properly. Could it be that Aro saw Edward's instability and wanted to avoid aggravating it further? That thought alone terrified me and I had all I could to keep from rushing off to Italy ignoring my initial decree to stay away until Aro was confident in Edward's loyalty to him.

But finally, Alice saw the vision I was waiting for and declining Eleazar's suggestion that he accompany me, I had a flight booked and was on my way to Volterra before Edward had fulfilled the destiny of that vision. The only question that remained was how exactly I would get him away from Aro who valued his gifted vampires above all else. But I didn't dare dwell on a possible answer; Aro would see too much…no…he would see it all, so identifying a solution to that problem could not come until after he had his chance to read me.

* * *

There were many entrances into the Volturi castle; the most obvious one was through the gatehouse that was open to the public and allowed visitors behind the curtain wall to the front offices that acted as an official business, employing humans who weren't aware of the vampires that lived behind the façade.

I chose to forgo the conventional route and settled for my preferred entrance of some two hundred years previous. It was an entrance known only to vampires of the Volturi and perhaps the original architects of the castle, dead for a millennia. The narrow passage behind the structures of the fortified city used centuries before as a buffer between the outer wall and the dwellings within, had many entry points to the ungrounded tunnels and it was through one of the sewer grates that I slid dropping into the lower passageways that would lead me to the drawing room reserved for the greeting of visitors and guests, invited and otherwise.

Members of the guard were aware of my presence from the moment I stepped foot into the city and I smelled them trailing me, lurking in the shadows and hidden in doorways that lined the city streets that were deserted as even the late night rabble rousers disappeared into their homes for the evening. It wasn't until I reached the tunnels that I was accosted by two of them, unfamiliar to me as I was too them, only their gray cloaks signifying who they served.

"You there, what is your business here?" The taller of the two spoke sharply. His comrade had eased around next to me, effectively securing me between them.

"I am here to see Aro." The guards were well trained. I was not agitated by their aggressiveness. It was to be expected.

"And you feel you can sneak in through a secret passage without being escorted? Explain?"

"If the passageway is secret then how would I know about it, young one?" I responded sharply. "Though as long as you're here, I wouldn't mind an escort if it hastens a meeting with him. Do you want me to lead the way?"

The spokesman stood taller, indignation evident on his face and the one next to me growled. Perhaps I should have used a softer more conciliatory approach but now that I was so close, my patience was gone.

"You will go nowhere until you are announced and only then we will see if Master Aro will acknowledge your request. If not, you may have made a terrible mistake in coming here and your disrespect will be remembered." The tall one replied, pushing his hood back exposing his face. As was true of most of the Volturi guard, he was young in human years, but otherwise unremarkable.

What he said was routine; no vampire was given access to the brothers without permission, but I was prepared and without another word, I pulled from my pocket the pendant and for the second time in mere months I was prepared to use it after leaving it largely untouched for decades.

"Perhaps this will alleviate your concerns." I produced the crest and dangled it in front of me. A quick intake of breath from both vampires assured me that they knew what it was. "Now please tell Aro that Carlisle would like to see him. I don't need to announce my business, he already knows."

"Yes…yes…I'm sorry…yes at once." The allusion of arrogance was quickly gone and he bolted, leaving his companion the unenviable chore of guarding me until the necessary approvals were obtained. I did not wait and started to follow the retreating vampire. I did not need a guide; I knew my way and Aro would be waiting for me.

"Please…sir. You must stop; we need to have permission to precede." I felt sorry for this one as he trotted after me, horrified that he might offend me or worse that it was a trick and I planned on doing the brothers' harm.

Either way he did not try and stop me and I made my way through the twisted passageways without hesitation, the path leading me to the elaborate hall as familiar as my home back in Forks. I wasn't surprised to be greeted by Demetri and Jane before I reached the grate that led me into the castle itself. They'd already removed it and were waiting for me on either side of the opening.

"It's been many years since we've used this entrance, Carlisle," Demetri said pleasantly.

"It's been many years since I've used it myself," I said with a humorless chuckle.

Jane acknowledged me with a nod as I slide into the narrow passageway with both vampires following closely behind me.

Edward's scent hit me with unexpected force. It wasn't fresh, at least a week old, but the familiarity of it was almost painful and one I'd briefly thought I might never smell again. I was taken off guard by it and hesitated where his scent was the strongest ignoring the snickers of the two escorts behind me. I could not crumble now, but it was a reminder that he was here, close, so achingly close, yet he could have been on the moon for all the access I would have to him.

The medical terms came naturally. It was something I did whenever I didn't want Edward to read my mind. He would know I was thinking about him even if I didn't talk directly to him through my thoughts. Until Aro requested my hand, I couldn't have Edward reading me, not yet, but I wanted him to know he was on my mind.

I'd been waiting for this for weeks, carefully planned it, understood my mission, but when I finally stood in front of the heavy wooden door leading to the opulent drawing room, I felt a tightening in my chest. I would only get one shot, only one chance to outsmart Aro and if I failed, he would see my entire plan in my thoughts and could sabotage it before it ever had a chance to flourish. If I were completely in control of the scenario about to unfold I knew my confidence level would be higher, but I wasn't in control and if I misjudged the situation, misread Aro's patience or underestimated his abilities to see through my visit even without reading me, then all would be lost and by all, I meant Edward.

"Welcome…welcome Carlisle my old friend…what a surprise."

And there he was. Aro, just as I remembered him, clapping his hands in perceived delight, his eyes sparkling, suggesting an affable demeanor; his charisma on full display as much for the visitor as for his guard. He was the ring leader, the master of ceremonies and he basked in the limelight, he always had.

"Aro, my friend. Greetings. It's been too long." I responded politely, standing well back from him, barely allowing enough room for two guards to move behind me. Demetri took his familiar position up in front and to the left of Aro while Jane went to Aro's side as he moved forward to greet me.

"Yes it has, much too long. It seems mere years since you were here last, not centuries. Odd how time disappears with the return of a beloved friend. But now you are here, so we won't dwell on the past. Caius, see our long lost brother has returned at last."

The last comment drew gasps from the guard, and a scowl from Caius. Aro had only occasionally referred to me as a brother and usually only in the presence of the other brothers and wives. It was unnerving to hear him say it now with a room full of vampires. I appreciated the audience, it would give me more witnesses, but his proclamation was not the one I was here to seek.

"You are too kind Aro and of course I would love to visit, but as you know, I'm here for another purpose, one that I'd like to see resolved before any more pleasantries are exchanged, if you don't mind." I knew I was taking a risk by attempting a circumvention of Aro's delight in the ceremony of greeting guests and the opportunity to showcase his controls over those around him, but I needed to address the situation with Edward before he requested my hand and my boldness might be enough to startle him into it.

If Aro was offended by my bluntness, he hid it well, tilting his head back in contemplation before responding.

"Ahh yes, young Edward. I assume that is the purpose you are speaking of?" He blew out air he'd apparently been holding and looked at me shaking his head casually. "He's made quite an impression on our little family, but then you probably already know that from young Alice.

I nodded not exactly sure what he was referring to.

"Normally he would be here with us, but your visit has taken us by surprise and he and Marcus are engaged in other activities at the moment. I hope you understand."

I nodded my head again and when he didn't continue, I took it as permission to speak. "Yes of course. I apologize for not _calling_ first." Was that sarcasm? What was I doing?

"It's fortunate that our guard is tolerant of visitors or your lack of protocol might have met with quite a different fate." Caius scolded.

My relationship with Caius had always been contemptuous at best. I found him narrow minded and mean spirited and he only tolerated me for Marcus and Aro's sake. We seldom exchanged anything more than forced pleasantries in all our years together.

"I admit I gave little thought to my abrupt arrival. The guard's control has always been quite impressive and I'm not known for bouts of aggression so I saw little likelihood in a confrontation."

Aro's enthusiastic expression no longer looked contrived. My antagonistic relationship with Caius had always amused him.

"I suspect our crest offered you additional insurance?" Caius said with disdain.

I tried to look contrite and nodded. "But you understand why I'm here and on such short notice. We, my family, are worried about Edward. Before I can return home I need to understand why he is being held, what crime he has committed, because as you pointed out, Alice is quite instrumental in my abilities to keep track of my…offspring and we are unaware or rather she has not seen a vision that suggests the breaking of any laws. What am I missing?"

"Yes well that situation is unfortunate indeed." Aro said solemnly trying to contain his glee. "The covens in North America are undisciplined. They have no respect for laws, no understanding of discretion. I have let them go unchecked for too long. Perhaps I was nostalgic for a time when we had the liberty to feed at our own discretion, when battles for territory were a legitimate concern and humans were less inclined to take notice of the deaths of strangers. Times are different now; there are too many venues to pass information and news like that no longer goes unnoticed."

Aro was walking back and forth his hands behind his back speaking to his audience as if he and the rest of the Vulturi were pioneers on the information superhighway rather than relics of a past that they still desperately clung too.

"If only they would join us in the twenty first century." He stopped pacing and looked at me smiling with the irony of his words. "But then that is what you think of us, isn't it Carlisle?"

I smiled despite myself.

"So to answer your question, no crimes were committed. Of course guilt by association is a long standing criminal offense, but to be honest, I don't think that would even apply in Edward's case. I am under the assumption from his thoughts that he considered himself a prisoner and he very likely was."

I kept my face impassive, my thoughts neutral, the medical terms still drifting through them whenever I was tempted to think of something specific, because now I had a new problem. It wasn't the words that spilled from Aro's mouth. They were the words I'd longed to hear. Those words would set Edward free. No, my new problem took on a feminine shape and she glided by Aro directly to me, a seductive smile on her familiar face. With a dispassionate attempt at affection, she hugged me, her lips touching my ear, sending a shockwave of old memories and long forgotten longings rippling through me. She was using her gift to try and strengthen a bond between her and I that never truly existed but I still felt the pull.

"Carlisle, my darling, it's been much too long," she whispered in my ear, but the whole room would have heard her. She moved back behind Aro, assuming a spot along the perimeter of the three high-backed chairs in the center of the room.

"Chelsea, you look exquisite, but then you always did. How is Afton?" I said politely.

She smiled graciously, but said nothing more, ignoring the snickers in the room.

My feelings for Chelsea though intense during my time with the Volturi, had long been extinguished once I fell under the influence of my love…my mate… the one I was destined for and though her coy and amused attempts to seduce a younger me had left an impact, most notably in the way I handled the nurses I interacted with daily, her presence did not leave me rattled in the way it once had. She was here for one reason and one reason only, but I couldn't dwell on that now. I had to pursue Aro's point.

"You have confirmed what I suspected. I believe a thank you is in order for rescuing my son."

Caius snorted. His contempt for my reference to one of my creations as _son_, obvious.

"No need for that Carlisle. You know I value Edward's gift. And fortunately my dear Jane saw his potential and invited him to join us." He looked lovingly at the petite vampire at his side. "As it turns out, Edward has proven quite useful. Even Caius is convinced of his value and we both know how cynical he can be.

He didn't elaborate and I didn't ask, but felt the knotting in my abdomen. Caius was a beast with little tolerance for those that didn't show reverence to the Volturi. What had my defiant son been reduced to that would meet with Caius' approval?

"I would like to visit with him, if that would be permissible. Alice's visions have been troubling lately which is what brought me here. Would that be possible? You see his mother is quite worried." I had what I wanted; the rest would be a formality.

"Of course, Carlisle, I'm sure something can be arranged, with Edward's permission of course. In the meantime…" he held out his hand to me. "Would you mind indulging me? I've heard bits and pieces of your life and of course Edward has shared much from his memories, but to see it firsthand…"

I suppressed a sigh. The time had come. Stepping forward, I place my hand in Aro's and he immediately bent over it, my memories and thoughts flowing into his mind. Edward described it like watching one's life documented on a movie reel, every detail played all over again through the mind of another, fascinating and troubling. But for me, I only saw the top of Aro's bowed head. There wasn't even a physical sensation in the transfer of information. When he finally looked up, I forced my gaze to meet his.

"Interesting…very interesting," he said. His brow was furrowed and he moved away from me, but I could see on Caius' face that they exchanged a look. "Your control remains incredible Carlisle. The ability to provide medical care to injured humans…absolutely fascinating."

He turned abruptly. "But I'm not sure what good a gift like that is. I can kill hundreds of humans…thousands… to every one you save. Are you truly redeeming us in the eyes of your God?" He was angry. He understood that I outmaneuvered him. I was in danger as much as I ever could be in his presence. My only salvation was that no but us knew of my deception.

"I have nothing to redeem," I said calmly. "I've never killed a human."

"No, but you've created those that have." Aro snapped, stating what I choose to ignore.

"You know that Edward is no longer feeding from animals. We've broken him of that disgusting habit. Now if only we can repair the damage done to his mind."

I shuddered at that comment but remained silent.

"You understand Carlisle, that by ignoring your natural food source you are denying your body what it needs. It creates a weak, unstable vampire…very dangerous."

I laughed softly; a polite attempt to show my contempt. "There are many things that can make a vampire unstable, but I'm not sure refraining from killing and drinking from humans would qualify. We've had this argument many times, Aro. I've never drank human blood, not for hundreds of years; Eleazar and the Denali sisters almost as long and none of us show any ill effects from it."

"Perhaps…perhaps not, but as you say it is an old debate." Aro waved his hand at me dismissively. "I think though, given your thoughts, that it might be unwise for you to see Edward during this transitional time with us. Perhaps later, a year or two from now when all the effects of the poison he's been absorbing have been flushed from his system. You understand Carlisle?"

"Yes of course…" What he said was anticipated, but my stomach churned at the thought of being denied access to my son. He was punishing me for my trickery. "Of course if he is not being held against his will, isn't that a decision he should be allowed to make?"

"Why yes Carlisle, I believe you are correct." He would play the game with me. "Let's clear the room so you can have your privacy." He waved his hand at the surrounding guard who though reluctantly, filed out of the room. Already I could imagine their gossip. But they did not all leave. Caius had not budged from his chair. Jane, Alec, Renata and Felix remained in place and worst of all, Chelsea who looked at me with calculating eyes.

"I needn't tell you that Edward can hear you, so call to him then. Ask him to come down. It is his choice after all." Aro's eyes gleamed but this time it was not with the perceived delight of welcoming a new visitor or to delivery his charismatic monologue to an unsuspecting, naïve vampire. This time he was anticipating my failure.

I could not call to Edward just as Aro understood, because by doing so I would be risking our bond, the ties meant to unite us for all of eternity. I could only think of those endless medical terms understanding that in times past I would aggravate him to his very core with my attempts to create words in Latin to replicate them. That, if nothing else would drive Edward from my thoughts and I needed that, needed to create that distance between us for as I feared from the start, Chelsea's presence meant that she was waiting for our connection. Her gift didn't just apply to the physical presence of the bonded vampires. It reached well beyond that. Any connection including telepathy would enable her gift, would bring it to life and the energy and light that flowed between the two recipients would be deadened…amputated… killed. I couldn't let that happen.

And so as I concentrated on not calling Edward, not thinking about him, not even imagining him in my thoughts, I felt the deflection of Chelsea's gift and saw her frustration as she probed me searching for the strings that linked us. Aro too, noticed her expression and sighed, but his sigh wasn't one of defeat. He was just being denied the easy victory he'd come to expect with his arsenal of gifted vampires. When he turned back to me his face betrayed none of that frustration and even the anger was gone. He looked perplexed.

"Are you calling to him Carlisle? I understand his hesitance of course. I know you don't think so, but you are an imposing figure, very hard to please and his betrayal of you and your values is clearly visible in his eyes. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to face you. It might be a cowardly thing, but who can blame him? I'm not sure I would want to face your wrath if I failed you."

When I smirked, Aro grinned.

"_Wrath_ can mean a number of different things, Carlisle. In this case perhaps the better word is disappointment."

"I don't ask for perfection and I love my children regardless of their actions." This I said for Edward not Aro.

As the minutes ticked by I stood in silence making no attempt to contact Edward. Chelsea's face continued to show her frustration so I knew her gift was not a factor. Aro had settled in his chair and looked casually at his fingernails, but I could see he was concentrating on something and I knew he was talking to Edward. I shuddered to think of the words…the lies he was spewing to turn my son against me, but I knew it didn't matter anymore. Because in those brief moments I hatched my plan and now I was only filling time before I was invited to leave.

Finally Aro looked up and smiled sadly. "It appears Edward has decided to decline your invitation to join him today, but don't lose hope Carlisle, we can always contact you if he changes his mind. Or if you prefer, he can contact you."

I nodded my concession. "If you don't mind, I believe I will remain in Italy for the foreseeable future." I could not appear eager to leave or Aro's suspicious would be aroused.

"Very well." He stood up, a stern look on his face. "But we ask that you remain outside of Volterra, for your own safety.

"Perhaps I'll visit Florence again. I do love that city." I made the appearance of leaving, nodding politely at Caius who appeared unconvinced by my words. "I won't be in Italy long, but before I leave I may make a return visit here."

"You are always welcome Carlisle, but one thing before you go."

To my horror he held out his hand again. My plan…he would know my plan.

"I think it might be wise if I held onto the pendant for now. It's not that I don't trust you Carlisle, but…"

"No…no…I understand…" I could barely contain my relief. I pulled the Volturi crest from my pocket and holding it at the end of the length of chain, I dropped it into Aro's outstretched palm, still fearful he might reach out and grab my hand and cognizant that both he and Caius watched me closely, looking for anything to be wary of.

"Carlisle, there is always another option." Aro slumped back in his chair and Caius sighed. "You and your family could join us here. We have plenty of room and then you would be reunited with Edward and we wouldn't lose his valuable skills as a mind reader. It would serve us all not to mention the additions of the others in your family."

He was sincere. I could hear it in his voice and even his face had lost its spurious animation. I thought about that. Remembering my own years in Volterra, not unfondly; trying to picture Esme, Rosalie and Emmett intermingling with the guard and understanding that Alice and Jasper would immediately be seized from me, not through a violent confrontation but a subtle exploitation of power. But we would be with Edward and we would be together, there were worse places to reside.

"It might be something to consider." I said thoughtfully, ignoring the shocked expressions of Caius and some of the guard. Aro looked amused. "I would have to be guaranteed that humans would no longer be killed for food and everyone would eventually revert to a vegetation lifestyle."

The expression on Jane's face would have been laughable if not for the seriousness of the conversation, but Aro laughed, he roared with laughter and that was soon followed by chuckles from Caius.

"Carlisle, my dear friend. How I've missed you. As much as I want you to rejoin our little family, even you are not worth that condition. But I admire your tenacity. Perhaps in another two hundred years we will see things differently, but for now I will have to decline."

I smiled despite myself. "Very well. Then if you'll excuse me, I have a city to see."

I expelled a breath of air the moment I emerged from the walls surrounding the castle. I ran from the city and kept running. The hard part was over; I evaded Aro's gift and I had a plan. I just needed to take care of a few details.

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I pressed _one_ and was promptly greeted my sweet wife's voice.

"Carlisle? Did you…do you…?"

"No Esme. Listen. I'm going to ask Alice to come to Italy. My assumption is that Jasper will want to come as well. I know how to free Edward, but…"

"We will all come, Carlisle."

"No…Esme…"

"Rosalie is already checking flights."

"Esme." I sighed, but I wouldn't argue. It was as it should be. We would retrieve Edward together.

* * *

**_Author Notes: _**

**_This was a tough chapter to write because Aro's gift was hard to circumvent. It might appear a little contrived that Carlisle did not figure out how he would free Edward until after Aro read him, but I could see no other way to free Edward if the plan was established before Carlisle came to Volturi. The only goal Carlisle had upon arriving in Volturi was getting Aro to admit that Edward was not a prisoner. Once he did that and after Aro read him, he was free to think of the specifics of a rescue._**


	15. Hopeless

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

_**WARNING: Typical Edward angst and additional vampire violence.**_

* * *

Carlisle was here…here in Volterra!

If I thought the quaking of my muscles was bad before, it was nothing compared to what my body was going through now. I clenched my teeth to keep from biting my tongue again. My hands gripped and promptly destroyed the armchair I'd pushed in the corner and I had everything I could do to keep my legs from collapsing under me as I rocked like a man on stilts, precariously close to losing my balance.

Why…WHY was he here? His thoughts were shrouded in those aggravating medical terms and I was only given glimpses of them as he acknowledged Aro. Taking several deep breaths in an instinctual human attempt to calm myself, I listened, heard his words as he spoke to Aro. I did not need to read his thoughts; his words told me what I needed to know. He was here to check up on me. He was worried. He wanted to know if I was held against my will. He wanted to talk to me.

The deep breaths turned into gasps. I was gasping for air. I understood this, had experienced it before, the need to breathe but unable to find the oxygen that my lungs didn't need. I felt myself sway unsteadily. I was going to go over.

I needed to run….to move…escape from this room. I wouldn't go…wouldn't talk to him. They couldn't make me. He would see…see my eyes. He would know what I'd done and I couldn't have that. But then it occurred to me that he in all likelihood already did know. Alice would have seen. Perhaps she didn't mention it. That would be like Alice. She saw much more than she revealed especially if the news was bad. So it was possible that Carlisle didn't know.

"Edward."

I looked up at the sound of my name. I was on the floor. I didn't remember falling, but that's where I was, hidden behind the rubble that use to be a leather chair, my back pressed against the wall and still I shuddered.

"I don't want to see Car…Car…lisle. Make him go away…plea…plea…se." My chattering teeth made it difficult for me to speak.

"You do not have to see Carlisle; it is your choice." Marcus appeared impervious to my condition and sat in the chair that had not been demolished. "Can you read him…his thoughts…do they reveal his intentions?"

I thought about that. Could I read him? No, he was reciting his medical terms. But why did Marcus want to know what Carlisle was thinking?

"He's th…th...king…he's thinking…he's won…wondering if I'm safe." I lied. I couldn't betray Carlisle, even though I didn't know what was truly in his thoughts, I would not reveal that to Marcus, that would be bad…it would be very bad…for Carlisle.

Marcus pursed his lips. _He's not being entirely truthful._

"I am," I blurted out. "C..car..lisle is good…honest. It's as he…he says. Aro will see…Aro will see." I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in them. I would ruin this. I would get Carlisle hurt. I had no control. I couldn't think clearly. I needed to be quiet and not say anything else.

"Edward. You mustn't fear for Carlisle's safety. I assure you Aro means him no harm. We just need to make sure he doesn't do anything… reckless."

The cadence of Marcus' words had improved considerably. He no longer sounded like he hadn't formed a verbal sentence in centuries or perhaps it was me that heard him differently. My inability to focus might benefit from his slow deliberate speech.

_Chelsea. Oh no._

That _was _Carlisle's inner voice. My eyes snapped open. Marcus was watching me closely.

"Chel…Chelsea," I stuttered. It was fairly obvious that I couldn't pretend not to hear Carlisle at all.

"You must try to read him, Edward. Its how you will keep him safe." Marcus' voice took on an intensity, I'd never heard from him before. "Concentrate."

And I did try. Inter-mixed with the medical terms were bits and pieces of other thoughts and memories. Chelsea and Carlisle together laughing in the brothers' private quarters; an image of Esme; random human faces of nurses he'd worked with; my face, just a flicker, before it was quickly buried again, but nothing more.

I jumped to Aro's mind and saw Carlisle for the first time in months. He looked as he always had, of course he did. Yet there was a callousness in his face I didn't usually associate with him. It was grim, his eyes cold and expressionless, his demeanor obstinate and unyielding. There was nothing about his mannerisms that resembled the man I knew. He was as closed off and buttoned up as I'd ever seen him. He was hiding something, but what?

And didn't he know that Aro would be able to see it? All he had to do was request his hand. And he would…Aro would. He was fascinated by Carlisle's life as seen through my mind. He would want to read Carlisle himself, see for himself what his old friend had experienced. Surely Carlisle knew this. Why had he come here? Why had he taken such a risk?

When Aro moved forward, I groaned, barely taking notice of Marcus' questioning look. Aro was suspicious. I could see it, could see that he desired nothing more than to grip Carlisle's hand and Carlisle offered it to him without comment, revealing nothing in his steady serious gaze.

I couldn't help myself. I had to watch, had to see for myself Carlisle's true motivation. I held my breath as the images flowed, most too fast for me to catch, most from days long past, some memories familiar, some not. I saw images of my change and Esme's and the rest of our family; saw our life together and Aro lingered on these images of my family…my former family. For just a millisecond I pulled away, the memories too painful, but curiosity brought me back. There were all the images of Carlisle treating humans, diagnosing them, the surgeries, the traumatic injuries and the blood. There was so much blood. I felt the venom fill my mouth just as it did Aro's as he viewed them, but no where in those memories was Carlisle tempted; his control never wavered. Only Aro and I suffered through them.

Mercifully the memories of injured humans disappeared, but then I saw the images of my family again. Recent ones that I'd never seen before. Esme overcome with grief; Alice seeing my horrific future before I lived it, being forced to suffer through my terrible decisions before I made them, but only sharing part of it. Her edit button was in full use. There were no images of the collection of heads in Carlisle's mind, not even an illusion to it and only mental pictures of me wandering through the Volturi castle as described by Alice, Carlisle's thoughts bewildered by my actions. He wouldn't know that I was living in his memories. Alice wouldn't know, so she couldn't truly convey what she saw. In Carlisle's mind, I looked like a madman and even the tremors he pictured were exaggerated. I didn't look like that. I was sure I didn't look like that. Then there was a picture of me, my eyes crimson standing over the crumpled body of a human. Alice told him that. Why did she need to share that vision?

Worst of all, was Carlisle's current emotional state; his endless worrying, second guessing and lambasting himself because of me. And finally it was the thoughts that Marcus was pushing me for; Carlisle's mission, why he came to Volterra, what he sought from Aro. He was here to force Aro's verbal admission that I was not being held against my will, which was his intention, his true intention and Aro was enraged.

I bolted from behind the rubble of the destroyed chair towards the door.

"Edward, no," Marcus did not move, his voice barely rose above a whisper, but his meaning was clear and I was going to ignore him and his command. Carlisle was in danger.

I was greeted at the door by Corin who held up a hand in a half hearted attempted to stop me. Perhaps he might have, given my condition, but now I had a purpose and the tremors had been reduced to a more manageable level. It only took me a moment to realize my mistake. The old Edward would have remembered why I couldn't walk through Corin's outstretched hand, but the one I'd become, this new broken damaged one, had completely forgotten that Corin had a gift and as Marcus promised when he invited me to experience it some weeks ago; it wasn't painful. I found myself exactly where I started from, slumped on the floor in the doorway, but this time I had trouble maintaining even a seated position.

Corin's hand remained against my chest as he gripped me under my chin and dragged me back to Marcus' feet. I offered no resistance, my body felt anesthetized and though I could lift my hand in protest, I could do little else. The effort to hold it up at all was more than I could manage for more than a few seconds.

"Are you going to try and run again if I release you?" Marcus looked down at me sternly.

My teeth no longer chattered, but I still found speaking difficult. I could no longer form the words to talk. I settled for a brief shake of my head.

"Let him go. He understands."

The fogginess dissipated almost immediately. But I let myself slump to the floor on my back as Corin stood over me ready to administer his gift again should I try to flee.

"Edward, no one is going to hurt Carlisle. Whatever you heard, however incriminating could not possibly be so bad as to bring on his death. If I recall, my old friend was always opposed to violence. It's one of the things that drove him from us." Marcus said, his voice muddled and sluggish, but again I suspected that was me, not him.

I searched Aro's mind and though he was angry, what Marcus said was true; he was not contemplating hurting Carlisle physically. I sighed in relief.

"There you see, all this fuss over nothing. You must learn to trust me, Edward. You may serve me but I am your guide and protector too. It works both ways."

I didn't know what to say to that. With Carlisle's presence so near, I forgot that I now served the Volturi. Given his memories, I could understand why he wanted to see that I was safe, but I was lost as to his reasoning for tricking Aro into verbalizing the conditions of my servitude. Was he going to try and convince me to come home with him? Is that why he wanted to see me? Why would he do that? He knew what I did, my betrayal, not only of his trust, but everything he stood for. I didn't belong with him, this is where I belonged, the Volturi was who I served.

I felt a sense of relief when I heard Aro deny Carlisle access to me, but I should have known better. For all his passivity, Carlisle was not easily dissuaded and he persisted by suggesting it was my choice, that I should be the one to decide whether I wanted to see him or not.

I looked at Marcus who would have no idea what was transpiring between Carlisle and Aro. I felt the panic again as Aro dismissed the guard, presumably to give Carlisle and I some privacy. Still Carlisle did not call to me.

"What is it Edward?"

"I'm not…I'm not sure. Carlisle says he wants to talk to me yet he doesn't call to me. Why won't he talk to me?" My voice took on a whiny undertone.

"Interesting," Marcus tapped his fingers against his chin.

I realized too late that I revealed more than I should have. Be quiet. Why couldn't I just be quiet.

_Edward, it is your choice, you may speak with Carlisle if you wish. _

I jumped up at the sound of Aro's voice. Marcus did not move but Corin was between us holding out his hand.

"Edward?" Marcus said guardedly.

I cocked my head, concentrating.

_But understand, young one, he may try to convince you to come with him. He doesn't understand how different you are from him. I can see it in his thoughts. He believes you are capable of being like him, but we know that is not true, don't we? Few could ever hope to live up to Carlisle's principles so don't fret. He is a fine man, a great man even, but his greatness can only lead to failure for the rest of us. I know you see that now._

I put my hands to my head, messaging my temples, feeling the throbbing of phantom pain that wasn't there. The intensity of Aro's words, directed solely at me was burning a hole in my brain.

_You can never hope to walk in Carlisle's shoes; it's why you have been so unhappy with your life, why you never felt you belonged. Despite Carlisle's influence and your gentle upbringing, you have still found your place among us. You are not Carlisle; you lack his will, his strength of character so you will never be more than a failure in his eyes. Not that he would tell you this. It's part of his nature. He is too kind, too thoughtful. Which leaves me with the unenviable position of enlightening you on the matter. I'm sorry Edward. I know no other way then to be perfectly blunt._

I was back on the floor sitting cross legged in front of Marcus, he'd grown quiet understanding that I was engaged in conversation with someone.

"Aro," I managed to whisper for his benefit.

_So Edward you must make the decision. This may be your last chance. I doubt Carlisle will squander too much more time attempting to retrieve you. He has an entire coven to take into consideration and the others seem better equipped for that kind of lifestyle. But be advised. If you choose to go with him, you won't be invited back. We don't look at betrayal as an admirable trait. The next time you fail him and there will be a next time, you will have no where to go. Is that what you want? Remember what I told you about the need to serve? I don't think you would do well on your own, alone in the world. And you would be alone. You've already found your mate._

I was nodding to Aro's words, understanding that I was at a crossroads. There was nothing in Carlisle's thoughts but those ridiculous medical terms. He was not calling to me as Aro suspected he was. He wasn't acknowledging me at all. Aro had it all wrong. Even after reading him, Aro didn't understand. Carlisle was here at the request of someone, probably Esme. He just wanted to make sure I was where I wanted to be and possibly see firsthand that I'd given in to the monster and was lost to him. He didn't need to talk to me, he had his answers. I would not belabor the point by subjecting him to a conversation with me.

And even if Aro misunderstood Carlisle's intentions, he was correct in his opinion of me and my failure to adapt to a great man's ideals. This he understood completely. I was where I belonged. I was to serve the strongest coven in the world. I would not risk that for another attempt at a lifestyle I couldn't possible adhere too. Appreciating that I was with my peers, that I was as bloodthirsty and heartless as they, a monster of storybooks and legends, an evil incarnate of the devil himself was the first step in distancing myself from Carlisle and would put me on the road towards the destiny I was always meant to fulfill.

I was not going to delude myself any longer into believing I was somehow better than those around me. I'd shown my true colors in the months away from Carlisle's guiding hand. And it had been only months, not years, not decades. All the time I'd been with Carlisle, all his teachings, all his beliefs all the things he'd held the most dear; I simply walked away from them, dropped them in the nearest dumpster without a second glance. I wasn't worthy of being mentioned in the same breath with him, let alone sharing his life and family. And finally…finally I understood that.

I wanted Corin to touch me again, numb me, take the pain that had taken hold of my lifeless dead heart and reduce it to nothing more than a faint ache reminding me of my other life, but I couldn't form the words to ask him. Instead, I crawled away from him and Marcus and giving little thought to my actions and how it would be viewed by them, I slid into the massive fireplace and curled up against the corner of it. I wanted Bella, but she would only come when we were alone, so I decided I would be very quiet and very still and wait until the two vampires went away and they would only do that when Carlisle did, so I waited.

But they didn't go away. Not only did they not go away, but they insist I accompany them to the drawing room. Carlisle was gone. To my surprise, he suggested he might come back. I wasn't sure why. He'd done what he set out to do. He'd confirmed that I was with the Volturi where I wanted to be, where I deserved to be. It was a destiny that even he, upon realizing I was a mind reader after he changed me, acknowledged would be a prized addition to the arsenal of vampires that made up a powerful coven in Italy. Why did he insist on torturing me with a face to face confrontation? It was Esme. It had to be Esme. She wanted me back; she didn't care what I was. She truly loved unconditionally. He was trying to make his mate happy even if it meant bringing a blood thirsty monster back into the family. That wouldn't do. That wouldn't do at all.

"Edward, I'm sorry you've suffered, but I could see no other way then to enlighten you to the truth. Are you alright?" Aro looked genuinely concerned as I stood in front of him. Marcus joined his brothers, taking his place in the chair flanking Aro.

I nodded, not trusting the steadiness of my voice to speak. The rest of the Volturi guard had returned to the room and having found my place within their rank, securing a form of anonymity, I did not want to jeopardize it with foolish behavior.

"I know Carlisle means well, but his endless concern for others, tends to cause more harm than good at times." Aro went on, clasping and unclasping his hands. "Please try not to be too hard on yourself. There isn't a vampire among us that could live up to Carlisle's values, it is inconceivable to put such a burden on his progeny and not expect failures. Attempting to meet such high standards can be exhausting and maddening, and that along with the inability to feed properly can aggravate certain instabilities already present. As a doctor he should know this or is it only the humans he cares about?"

I wasn't sure if he expected an answer, but I wasn't about to oblige him. He would understand more than me what motivated Carlisle.

"Unfortunately, I suspect my friend will not be inclined to give you up without making a return visit, so I think it's important to discuss how we should handle it."

This caught my attention and my eyes locked with Aro's. I shook my head frantically from side to side.

"Now Edward, I know you do not want to talk with him. I can't say I blame you. No one wants to be reminded of their shortcomings, but we must find a way to appease Carlisle so he will leave you in peace."

"I don't want him here." I was relieved to hear that my voice sounded steady, the stuttering gone. This gave me courage to continue to speak. "I don't want to talk to him. I'll write him a letter."

"Yes very good. A letter might convince him of your sincerity. We will deliver it to him the next time he visits." Aro said approvingly. _You must tell him you wish to remain with us, at least for the time being._

"No!" I snapped.

Aro's eyebrows shot up and I felt the heat of Caius intense gaze.

_He's valuable yes, but is he worth the trouble._

"I…I…mean…yes…I'll tell him that, but not here. I don't want him here." I hated the pleading sound of my voice, but I couldn't bear it. Carlisle's scent in the room was powerful and it weakened my resolve to defy him. I couldn't bear to hear his voice again.

Aro sighed. "Edward, I think you are being overdramatic, but I suppose if it is that important too you we can arrange to intercept Carlisle and deliver the letter directly. Though if I know Carlisle, there is no guarantee that he won't still try and see you."

"Thank you." I managed. I could not understand the overwhelming depression I felt in wondering if today was the last time I would ever hear Carlisle's voice in any form. It was what I wanted, wasn't it? I couldn't have him coming here again. I couldn't bear it. I would write a good letter, one that would leave no doubt that I was where I was meant…

_He won't be able to return if he dies first._

The thought hit me like a battering ram. I froze. I did not recognize the inner voice of its owner and so I waited, understanding that Aro was looking at me curiously. He knew I picked up a random thought and my abilities excited him.

_It will be my way to get noticed. Why such concessions to an animal feeding rodent? Is the mind reader so important that the strength of the Volturi should be called in question? His death will end the issue soon enough and I will do it. I will find him I will show that I can be more than just a servant._

At first I wasn't sure where the growls came from, the tone and aggression did not sound familiar, but then I realized they were emanating from me. I turned slowly. I knew that voice.

"Edward." Marcus' voice held a warning, but I was beyond his control. Carlisle's life was threatened. That would not go unanswered.

My eyes locked with Antonio who was looking at me first with confusion, then realization that I could hear him. My mind reading abilities, so subtle and unobtrusive were frequently overlooked even by those that knew me best. It was one of the many dangers of living with a mind reader.

"Edward, what did you hear?" Aro's voice sounded far away, but his delight was apparent.

In some ways his need for information, new information, replicated Carlisle's. Odd that I would make that connection at the precise moment I sprung at Antonio, whose surprised expression had changed to a smirk.

Antonio met me head on, our bodies crashed together, my anger replicated by his need to defend and prove himself. My rage was so intense, my fury so unchecked, I took little notice of the other vampires in the room scattering to various corners of it, seeking safety away from us but too enthralled to leave the room completely. Having experienced the torture of Jane's gift several times, I spent the first several seconds of our grappling and wrestling, anticipating the agonizing pain that would immobilize me, but when nothing happened, I concluded that attacking one of the guard was not always frowned upon.

It took me a moment to fall into the rhythm of a physical fight. It had been much too long since I'd fought anyone, even playfully, and I found my skills lacking. Antonio, though ungifted, brought with him an arsenal of physical abilities that quickly put me on the defensive and when we finally broke apart, it was he who stalked me, his eyes ablaze with his delight in fighting the mind reader and winning.

I only needed to be reminded of my gift to understand the significant advantage it gave me in battle. And so when he lunged at me, I was prepared, and grabbed him by the arm, tossing him against a far wall, sending a piece of cornice plasterwork crashing to the floor. He jumped up hissing, shaking off the debris from the wall and charged me again. This time I saw that he would lunge for my throat and I brought my hand up ramming it into his face before he could grab me. He screeched in pain, but quickly recovered and moved around me snarling and snapping his teeth at me. I tried not to let the thoughts of the others distract me but I could hear their silent cheers and taunts even as they stood quietly by us, their delight in a spontaneous unstructured fight taking precedence over a need for the civility usually demanded of the guard.

It was only after Antonio lunged at me for a third time and I quickly stepped around his charging body that he understood how my abilities, my gift would assist me in a fight. He turned again, hissing and this time I saw his struggle to control his thoughts. He was unnerved by my gift, his concentration broken and he looked unsure. He was preparing to charge me again and thought of going right, but instead he broke left, thinking about it before he did it and this time I pounced on him, my body covering his, my teeth catching him in the shoulder eliciting a scream of pain followed by snarls and growls as he attempted to throw me from his back.

My mental disabilities aside, the conclusion of the fight was never really in doubt. He lacked the skills in fighting a mind reader that would have taken years to cultivate and refine. He could not clear his mind or refrain from thinking about his next action. He was Volturi trained in the art of hand to hand combat that surprisingly did not take into consideration that the other combatant might be able to utilize a gift held by one of the brothers himself.

I held him firmly by the throat, my teeth against his neck, but refrained from inflicting any additional injury, understanding that despite my initial aggression, I wasn't at liberty to continue an attack and I did after all hold one of the guard in my grip. I was at a loss for how to proceed with something I'd instigated even if I was provoked by his thoughts.

I looked up at Aro for guidance and rather than seeing condemnation in his eyes, I was shocked to see a maniacal glee. He was enjoying the battle as much as Caius who though surrounded by his nervous body guards hardly seemed agitated by the violent confrontation playing out just feet from him. Even Marcus was intrigued.

"Despite your complete lack of control, quite impressive young Edward. You've learned to utilize your abilities very well. Coming from Carlisle's peaceable teachings, that surprises me." Aro said, trying to appear serious and solemn, while his eyes sparkled with delight.

I was not inclined to tell him that Carlisle taught me how to fight from the time I was not much more than a newborn, so that I might defend myself against potentially violent nomadic vampires. But then he would know that anyway, so his comments were meant for his audience, not me.

"Tell me, what did Antonio say that has you so upset?"

"He…he…was going to kill Carlisle." I managed to say without too much of a stutter. I was not having a full on tremor attack but I could feel the quivering in my muscles.

"He lies…" Antonio spat from beneath me. He was not struggling to free himself, understanding that the brothers had already declared a victor.

I locked eyes with Aro who smiled slyly at me.

"What is it about you young ones that make you so stupid." Aro said contemptuously, the motion of sitting than standing hardly detectable as he moved forward, Renata hovering at his side.

Through Aro's eyes I saw Antonio's eyes widen, he understood now. Lying to Aro was not possible.

"I'm sorry master." He quickly recanted. "Yes it's true. I thought of killing him, but only in your honor. I would not see you made a fool of."

"You think I was made a fool of? Is that how you see me, as a fool?" Aro snorted, settling back in his chair.

"No master, of course not. But oth…others might." Now it was Antonio who was stuttering.

"I think _you_ are the fool," Caius scoffed.

"Yes master."

I felt his body slump. He was defeated. He would not harm Carlisle now. I moved to release him, vindicated by the angry bite on his shoulder that had only started to heal.

"Finish him then," Caius said softly.

Both our heads snapped up to look at the imposing vampire, but he was only looking at me. "You heard me. Finish him. We can't condone or tolerate unpredictable temperaments in the guard. Finish him."

Horrified, my eyes flickered to Aro pleading for a reprieve, but he simply raised his eyebrows at me…waiting. Beneath me, Antonio had started to struggle, I gripped him tighter, his terrified thoughts of his impending death triggering a need to flee even as I, the predator, clamped down on my prey. I looked at Marcus, who was nodding in my direction, a validation of Caius' command.

I could feel my head shaking, back and forth. I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill someone that for all intents and purposes had surrendered to me. Yes he's thoughts were deplorable, but he'd rescinded them, been chastised. I didn't feel he was a threat to Carlisle any longer. I couldn't just kill him at someone's command and yet even as I shook my head no, my hand locked under his jaw and my other gripped his shoulder and staring past the chairs that held the three brothers I heard the keening beneath me as I applied pressure.

Moments later, I dropped the body of the twitching vampire at my feet and walked to Aro stopping only when I felt Renata's shield push at me and placed the head of Antonio at his feet.

"As you wish, masters."

I felt myself sway, but I would not fall. I could stand until I was released from my duties for the day. At least I thought so, but then I heard the thoughts of _him_ and saw Aro wave his hand for me to approach and I did. I moved passed Renata who had been shooed away by Aro and felt his hand close over mine and he too was listening while Felix and Demetri finished Antonio off, setting him ablaze in the middle of the room. I kept my back to the macabre scene but that didn't stop the silent gruesome sounds coming from the dying vampire and this time it was I that had put him there. This time I was the murderer and I felt oddly calmed by that thought. It was a reaffirmation that I was where I belonged and for the first time in my life, I was truly home.

_Dear Carlisle:_

_I am writing you this letter in hope that it will offer you an explanation for my reprehensible behavior and to ask for a postponement of any future visits to Volterra until I feel more comfortable with my situation. I know this is an unfair request considering all that I've put you and the rest of the family through particularly Esme, but given that I've lied to and manipulated all of you, it shouldn't come as a surprise that I have not abandon my selfish tendencies._

_Carlisle, I have never felt completely comfortable with our life as a family and though I understand that I am an ungrateful fool when taking into consideration how most vampires are created and initiated into this life; in the end, I can only conclude despite your best efforts, I am not able to conform to your lifestyle choices anymore and I must make my own way._

_This journey has not been without it's pain as I'm sure Alice can attest too, but I've come to realize that without this misery that up until now I could not have fathomed was possible to endure, I would have never reached the conclusion that has led me to the Volturi. _

_Suffice to say, you have kept me sheltered from the evil of our kind and again, at the risk of sounding like a complete cad, it allowed me to delude myself into believing that quite possibly you were right in your beliefs and values and we could overcome our basic monstrous instincts. But I no longer believe that in the long term we can deny who we truly are._

_That said, I respect your beliefs and hold onto the hope that you and the rest of the family will prove me wrong as you've done by your actions from the moment of my change. It is only with the warmest regards that I hold you in my thoughts and memories and will always appreciate and value our time together. I hope that when you think of me, it is not to remember the pain I've brought to you and Esme and the rest, but whatever small amount of joy that we shared during the times when I wasn't drenched in self-pity over my fate in life. _

_Tell Esme that I'll remember her through my piano and will continue to play her song, whenever I feel reflective or homesick for the both of you. I know words are cheap, but please know that I have always loved and respected you and that has not changed and will never change as long as I walk this earth._

_With that I bid you goodbye, but I hope in the years ahead that we will have a chance to visit again and please Carlisle do not regret anything you've done in the past pertaining to me. Nothing is your fault, my life is what it is and I've only finally realized that I need to be true to myself and accept who I am. I honestly can't say I'm there yet, but some day I hope to be. My only wish if we meet again, is that you will recognize me, the real me as I'm afraid you've never been introduced to the beast I truly am._

_Send the family my love and know that I've never regretted a moment of my life with you_

_Edward. _

"Very good Edward, very good." Aro said with his usual enthusiasm.

"Do you think it will keep him from returning?" I'd been drained of whatever emotion I had left and only wished to appease Aro so I might seek the solitude that brought me some semblance of peace.

"Perhaps…perhaps, but even if he comes back, Edward, you don't have to see him. He can't force you."

"How soon before Demetri can deliver it to him?" I said trying not to appear too anxious.

"I'll send him tomorrow." Aro chuckled. "You worry too much, young one. It will be fine. I think you overestimate Carlisle's ability to let you go."

I nodded, finding no comfort in Aro's words.

Later, when I was alone and back in my fireplace, I tried to invoke an image of Bella, but she was nowhere in my thoughts. Would she abandon me now that I'd said goodbye to my other life? Was it a package deal? It made sense. Bella was all that was good and it would stand to reason now that I turned away from Carlisle, she would turn away from me.

So I had no one then. I sold my soul to the devil and I would live in hell alone.

But it didn't last long.

_Edward._

Of course Carlisle would still be with me, taunting me. His memories usually didn't call to me though. I wasn't sure I wanted to explore this latest development. I was tired of new experiences.

_Edward you need to listen to me, son._

I sighed. It didn't appear I was going to have much of a choice in the matter.

* * *

**_Author Notes: _**

**_Obviously Aro knows all of Edward's insecurities and weaknesses and exploits them, attempting to break the bond between him and Carlisle. Despite what he says to Edward, he knows Carlisle will persist in trying to free him and he understands that it is Edward that must reject Carlisle._**

**_If it wasn't evident before Edward's mental collapse should be apparent by now._**

**_I have a strong emotional connection to this chapter. Edward's protective responses when he perceives that Carlisle is in danger speaks volumes for his strong feelings for his creator._**


	16. Rescue

**_WARNING: This is what you've been waiting for... ;o)_**

* * *

Marcus was summoning me.

I'd become attuned to his thoughts fairly quickly during my stay with the Volturi and even with the bombardment of stray thoughts of the dozens of vampires within the castle walls, it was his that stood out above all the others, his that I listened for and heard even when I wasn't called.

He wanted me to transcribe his memories of Didyme again. Even now as he called to me, he was thinking about her and the memory he wanted to share and it was a good memory. They were climbing a mountain in the dead of winter, her black hair and pale skin a striking contrast to the backdrop of ice and snow. She was dressed only in a form fitting red silk bliaut that hardly took into consideration the extreme climate, but they were in an isolated area devoid of the inquiring eyes of humans. She giggled, floundering in the deep snow until only the top of her head was visible eliciting chuckles from Marcus who was watching her from his perch in a tree.

The pull of Marcus' directive was strong, but I was distracted by Carlisle's voice that had been pestering me unmercifully for several hours. It was my punishment; a private hell that I would be forced to endure for all time. I'd defied him; cast him aside in favor of the Volturi, abandoning his values for promises of human blood and a high rank in the guard. So now his memories would haunt me; no longer could I take comfort from them and use them to whittle away the time discovering delightful little secrets of Carlisle's past held within castle walls. Now Carlisle's voice hammered at me, demanding my attention willing me to do its bidding. I understood that I'd manifested these new memories myself as a form of punishment, using Carlisle as the tool that would administer my penance for all my transgressions, those in the past and others still yet to come.

Eventually Corin sought me out, but one look on my face through his eyes, told me and him that I wasn't in any condition to serve Marcus on this day. My eyes were wild, the iris' a brilliant red appearing to sparkle in the dim natural light of the room. I was pacing back and forth in my small space, fifteen steps one way, an abrupt turn and fifteen steps back. I repeated the pattern over and over; seventeen hundred and twenty two times to be exact and I was still counting, still pacing, stopping only briefly to acknowledge Corin.

"I don't think I can write today." I gave him a perfunctory response to his inquisitive look.

Corin nodded, looking curiously at me. My appearance alone must have convinced him because without a word he spun on his heel and retreated back to Marcus.

I chuckled as his thoughts. He believed I was insane, literally so and maybe I was. If they would leave me alone for a time, days…hours…minutes even, it was possible I could recover my senses, but if it wasn't Marcus, it was Aro, always chattering. I needed peace and now I could add the Carlisle memory to the growing list of masters I served.

The fireplace offered me no sanctuary. The rather spacious confines of it felt claustrophobic and within its stone walls, I felt like a caged animal, the need to escape almost overpowering. The pacing helped. I wasn't going anywhere, just back and forth, back and forth, but the movement tricked my brain into thinking otherwise and as long as I didn't focus on the scantily furnished interior of the room, I could imagine myself in the tunnels of Carlisle's memories as he sought to draw me into them.

These tunnels were different from the others, even two hundred odd years ago, when the Volturi vampires still used the underground passageways as a way to move about the city, they were in a severe state of disrepair. Some had collapsed all together, but I could see Carlisle's hand as he pulled rocks and timber away enabling him to crawl through the narrow opening of what initially appeared to be an impassable ingress.

This new interactive Carlisle was relentless in his demand that I follow him, guiding me through the maze of passageways, eager to show me something that he wouldn't reveal in his ancient thoughts, not fooled by my endless pacing; the apparition of him understanding that I'd never left my room at all.

_Edward, I'm waiting for you. Please son, follow me, I'll show you the way out._

Aggravating. I gripped my hair as I paced, pulling at it, thankful that even I didn't have the strength to rip it from my skull. I didn't want to explain a bald spot to the brothers or endure the ridicule of the other members of the guard. Why couldn't Carlisle just leave me alone? I knew I was on the verge of madness. How else could I explain the intensity of his voice reverberating within the confines of my skull. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, drowning out his words with those of my own. But that would only reaffirm to the others that I was truly insane and though I suspected Aro already knew that and was prepared to overlook it for what I could bring to the guard, I didn't want the others to know, especially not Jane or Felix, their smugness and condescending stares already vexing enough.

When I'd crossed the room and back two thousand times I stopped. It wasn't working. The action of moving wasn't driving Carlisle's voice from my head and the tremors had gotten so severe that I had troubling remaining upright, often staggering forward when I took a step too fast or tried to move both feet at once.

I would have to try another venue to appease the Carlisle voice. I would do as I was told and follow his memories. I thought of his journal hidden in the catacombs under the chapel. If I hadn't listen to Carlisle's memories then, I never would have found the little treasure, so why was I so set on resisting him now? I didn't really need to voice that question aloud. I knew. Where that memory and the others of him in the library, chatting with the wives or reading in Marcus' room were unobtrusive and fractured, appearing almost dreamlike waiting to be discovered and followed at my whim or otherwise tucked away for future reference and exploration; these new memories were relentless in their intensity. They demanded my attention, required my consideration and would not be ignored to be explored at my leisure and I rebelled against them, the intrusion, the persistence, the necessity that I address them now was an affront to all that I valued about Carlisle. This Carlisle memory was demanding and impatient and could not be brushed aside by my attempts to distract myself with other thoughts.

But if I were too get any peace, I would have to listen as hours of endless pacing and silent curses, thoughts of every piano piece I ever written…no every piano piece I ever played could not silence his voice. Carlisle's memories had won…I couldn't…

_He's coming. _

What was that?

I wasn't going to listen to it. It was another voice from my past and I wasn't going to listen to it. I would go mad hearing voices, thoughts of those that were no longer in my life. I couldn't do it. Please God…I couldn't. Only Carlisle. I would only listen to the Carlisle voice.

* * *

I avoided the stairwell that brought me either up to Marcus' quarters or down to the turret room and instead wandered through the long great hall that gave me several options leading to the tunnels below. The first and most obvious was the offices that at street level had elevators near the reception area which would bring me down into the recesses of the castle. But those elevators also brought the humans down to their death and I wanted no part of that, no part of any lingering smells. Besides, none of Carlisle's memories were of elevators; even his most recent visit did not have him traveling by elevator. And though my method for reaching the hidden passageways was not dictated by anyone or anything, I felt more comfortable following the less traditional route, one that wouldn't lead me past the human receptionist with her curious stares and the undisguised questions in her thoughts.

Allowing Carlisle's non-interactive memories to guide me, I followed the walkway across the mezzanine to the outer stairwell and down to a kitchen with a massive hearth in the center of it. Behind the hearth, discretely tucked away was what had once been a trap door; the door no longer existed. It and the wooden rungs of a makeshift ladder had decayed away with time. There was just a hole and I dropped through it landing lightly, some twenty feet down in the aphotic depths of the tunnel. As evening approached not even a small bit of natural light invaded the space, but I knew my way, could see as clearly through Carlisle's eyes as my own and followed a centuries old memory through the narrow passageway, my fingers lightly running along the masonry of the manmade tunnel as I'd seen Carlisle do in so many of his memories.

When I reached the catacombs below the chapel I stopped. Carlisle's sanctuary was as familiar to me from my own explorations as they were from Carlisle's. Every memory of this part of the castle that Carlisle had shared with me had been explored. There was nothing for me to discover here, nothing to guide me and I was at a loss for how to proceed.

_He's turning back._

What? I looked around at the crumbling remains of the corpses tucked away in their, burial niche. I knew that voice and she wasn't one of the residents of the Volturi castle, either dead or alive-ish. Who was turning back and why was _she_ interrupting my memories of Carlisle's explorations?

_Go to the chapel__, Edward._

Again I was unnerved by the Carlisle voice that spoke directly to me. It wasn't right, it didn't make sense. I was still a century away from being born. I knew it was my mind, the muddling of memories playing tricks on me. How long would I have before I would not be able to think clearly at all, when my past and future merged, when thoughts of Carlisle were on par with thoughts of Marcus and I couldn't keep the two separate. Would I one day sit in Marcus' quarters with he on the left of me and Carlisle on the right, wondering which image was real, which master I served? Madness in vampires though not common, was possible; Carlisle had alluded to as much. How long before I went completely insane and would I know, would I even be aware of it?

I climbed the stairwell that led up to the chapel anxious to pass through this part of the memory, finding no peace within the walls of the house of God, my visions of the _heads_, always nudging their way into my consciousness. No church would ever be a place of sanctuary for me again. I actually sighed in relief when I heard Carlisle's voice directing me, guiding me and then I saw the visual picture of a memory I'd not seen before of Carlisle's hand as he pushed against the stone behind the crumbling alter revealing another set of stairs, hidden from all but the most observant.

These stairs led down to a small room, undoubtedly the private quarters of the priest and here Carlisle lingered, usually with a book, his back pressed against the wall as he slid to the floor, reading in the tranquility of the isolated room even as his upbringing as an Anglican pastor's son challenged him to rally against this Roman Catholic dwelling. Was it this place that called to me from Carlisle's memories? Is that why I only remembered it now, drawing on the last connection to him, a private place away from the others, their thoughts muffled as though the thickness of the walls could block the sound of them, not possible but perhaps the perception was that it could and I could draw peace from the isolation…

_He stopped__, he's sitting down._

Who's sitting? I spun around the room, seeing images of my human prey, their dead faces glaring at me from the shadows, the faces of my victims, frozen in the horrible grimace of death, drained of all their life's blood. I had to get out of here.

_He's running__ back to the stairs, the wrong way._

"Shut up," I yelled at the shadows that swirled around me, the faces fragmenting and disappearing all together.

_The fireplace, Edward__, go to the fireplace…crawl inside._

But I couldn't crawl inside. I remained frozen in the center of the room, watching through Carlisle's eyes as he crawled into the fireplace, flabbergasted by his actions. Is that where I got it from, the security I felt when I was surrounded on three sides by the stone walls of a medieval fireplace. Had Carlisle done the same thing, taking his loneliness and sorrows with him? Had I seen the random flickering of an image of a memory and adopted it as my own.

But no, Carlisle was not hunkering down in the fireplace. He was pushing at the wall behind it. I could see his hand, his ring with his family crest, applying pressure to the stone and then it gave way and he slid behind it, into a passageway and quickly moved through it with a speed born of familiarity.

"Wait." I said to the departing memory. I was still standing in the room, staring at the fireplace that looked inconspicuous enough. Smaller than the one in my room, but still big enough to crawl inside. Slowly I walked forward, mimicking his actions, pushing against the stone just as he'd done and watching in awe as it swung free, not really solid stone at all; a façade hiding more tunnels. I cautiously crawled through.

In the back of my mind I knew that this was not just a simply memory of Carlisle wandering below the Volturi castle. There was something significant about this memory, a hidden meaning; it needed to be explored further and it wasn't just the licking of madness nudging into my reality though certainly that played a role, allowing me to accept something with no logical explanation. It was as if Carlisle's memories were laid before me, these new memories apparently kept hidden in my subconscious until just this particular moment, waiting like a lost treasure for me to discover when I needed them most. I felt a little pulse of excitement quiver through me.

I felt I'd been given the gift of time travel, inadvertently falling into a black hole, a portal through time and was now walking these tunnels with Carlisle, the years that separated his time spent here and mine, mysteriously gone. I wasn't just seeing his memories; I was experiencing them with him and he was guiding me to a place of great significance. Could it be that when he revealed his memories to me, he understood that someday I would need them, recall them and follow them to some lost paragon from his past. It all made sense, the absence of these memories in my mind before now, his voice that called to me, called my name, a name he wouldn't have known to call two hundred years ago and if I thought too hard on it, I became dizzy with the possibilities. The only thing that didn't make sense was Alice's voice; she didn't fit in the scenario at all. And there it was again.

_He's going the wrong way.__ He went left, not right._

I went left? Alice didn't know what she was talking about. The tunnel only went straight. Even as I jumped to Carlisle's memory, I could see I was clearly following him. The tunnel was winding to the left but there was nowhere else to go.

_Run your hand along the wall, Edward__…find the opening._

And so I did; much the same way I saw Carlisle doing but there was nothing to feel, just a solid wall. I watched Carlisle's memories more closely; saw him sliding his hand along the stone using his fingertips to feel along the crevices that bound one stone to the next. We were the same height so I only had to mimic his actions, place my hand exactly thirty seven inches up the wall and then I found it. The groove, a crack and I stopped, watching through Carlisle's eyes as he pushed at the stone and it gave way, tumbling into the passageway behind it.

I replicated his actions and with little effort the same stone, disturbed from its resting spot of an untold number of years, rolled into another passageway. Once I crawled through the opening I took my time carefully replacing the stones as I saw Carlisle do so many years before. Was this a secret passage way, only known to Carlisle? The shiver of excitement I felt early rippled through me again. A feeling of meloncholy washed over me as I recalled the memories of a time when it was just Carlisle and I. He delighted in showing me bits of his past, historically significant landmarks, discoveries he'd made in his travels; and he was doing it again through his memories, but it felt like he was right here, right here with me and that old feeling of the companionship we shared rushed through me in a pleasant calming wave.

The passageway was unmaintained, difficult to maneuver through without causing serious structural damage to it. I was worried about a collapse but only in that I would damage a significant part of Carlisle's past, so I took my time, just as I saw Carlisle do. Picking my way through the rubble, the collapsed walls, the debris that littered my path and was reassured that I was maintaining a reasonable pace by Carlisle's words of encouragement from somewhere ahead of me. Where earlier I'd been aggravated by the interactive Carlisle, now I was gratified by him. I felt less alone, less unsure of myself. If this was madness, perhaps it was where I was meant to be, for surely madness with a companion was better than sanity alone.

_He's turning around, running away._

I stopped, listened as mystified by Alice's voice in my thoughts as I was in her declaration. Who was she talking about, who was down here with me. I felt a momentary flutter of panic, but then Carlisle's voice, calm and reassuring, guided me.

_Turn to the left when you reach the end of the tunnel, follow it straight__ until you can go no further._

But there was nowhere to go when the tunnel ended; just a wall, a stone wall, more solid than those on either side of me.

I made a mistake, took a wrong turn, this wasn't the way. I had to go back and I began to run.

_He's __going back the way he came. He's going the wrong way!_

The Alice voice was persistent, but she would not dissuade me. I found it odd that she was referring to me as if she were talking to someone else. I still didn't understand her presence, in Carlisle's memories. It made no sense.

_Watch me._

I couldn't watch him if I was in his memories, looking through his eyes but I could see as he moved by where I stood, in the direction from which I'd just come. I saw his actions, the placement of his hands, the careful footsteps. He was climbing over huge chunks of collapsed wall exposing bare earth. When he looked towards where I stood, he did not acknowledge me, did not see me, there was nothing to see, I wasn't there, I was over one hundred years in his future. Once he was over the worst of the destruction, he moved quickly away from me, his eyes focused on the fallen stone just up ahead that left a gaping hole in the side of the wall, exposing yet another tunnel.

_He's turning around again._

I hadn't turned around, but seeing Carlisle quickly making his way toward the hole in the wall piqued my curiosity. Had I missed it? The rubble obstructing the tunnels was much more extensive then in Carlisle's memory but I was dealing with several decade's worth of additional decay. Perhaps a piece of the wall had crumbled, hiding the hole.

_There is nothing but a solid wall. He has __nowhere to go._

And the Alice voice was right this time. When I retraced my steps I encountered the same stone dead end. There was no hole, no place for me to pass through. Even as I pressed against it, I found no weaknesses.

_Someone has sealed the hole. Edward you must punch through the wall._

That wasn't Carlisle. He would never condone destruction of property, certainly not property of historical significance. That thought was mine and mine alone, but weren't they all; wasn't I just imagining this entire conversation with Carlisle to feed my fantasy that we were exploring something together. Hadn't I invented him as a companion to help me through my instabilities and loneliness? Silly in retrospect; I couldn't even imitate Carlisle effectively.

But the memories egged me on. Carlisle standing where I stood now, stooping a little to crawl through the small opening, revealing another tunnel, a passageway that he was quickly moving down. And I couldn't help myself. I wanted to follow him. My hands pressed against the wall, testing its strength. It would take nothing for me to bust through it, just a little pressure and it would crumble, but I couldn't...

_You must break though the wall Edward.__ It's alright son, trust me._

And I did trust him. Even understanding that his voice was a figment of my imagination, an elaborate hallucination to escape from the hell I put myself in, I couldn't deny the power it held over me. I was beginning to understand how humans, caught in the grips of mental illness, listened to persuasive inner voices committing unspeakable acts against themselves or others, at the mercy of those voices, yet I still hesitated when all I was being asked to do was punch through a wall.

As I feared, the moment I pushed against the stone, the entire wall collapsed and as with dominos, as one piece fell, another did, then another and another. The rumbling rocked the underground maze of tunnels. I'd destroyed it, destroyed the entire thing. Yet still the inner Carlisle voice urged me down the tunnel, now clouded with dust and rubble from the collapsed south facing wall.

And so I followed Carlisle's memory, disregarding the destruction left in my wake and barely contemplating what punishment I might face when the damaged was assessed by the Volturi brothers. I moved quickly along this tunnel one hand on the outer wall, the passage way surprisingly clear. The Alice voice no longer distracted me with warnings of wrong turns and missed exits and I felt reasonably sure that I was going in the right direction, whatever _right_ meant in this bizarre adventure. Running with Carlisle through his eyes he abruptly halted and my own body skidded to a stop with him.

_Look up Edward, you will see the exit above you._

I did as instructed, seeing through Carlisle's eyes as he jumped from where I stood, straight up, his hands latching onto a grate that was almost invisible against the rock; the force of his momentum driving the grate up and out and he with it landing softly on solid ground. He was standing in the middle of a cobblestone street leading out of the city and beyond that was an empty wooded hillside.

And so, standing as Carlisle had in my thoughts, I jumped; my aim was true, my fingers closing round the iron bars, the rusty grate breaking free and then I was above ground, but my line of sight was completely different than Carlisle's had been. The road before me was no longer cobblestone, but pavement stretching out before me, winding through the rolling hills devoid of any trees, houses sprinkled where the trees had once stood. The scent of human was strong. I could see the house lights twinkling softly in the distance; hear the heartbeats, the thoughts of those same humans as they prepared for sleep, the evening hour late. Venom flooded my mouth and I quickly swallowed it down.

_He's going to run_. "He's going to run, Carlisle."

I gasped, sucking in the cool night air. I heard her...I heard her. Alice. I HEARD her. Not just her inner voice. Her real voice; her sweet sing song voice. I heard it. Alice was here!

_Edward, listen to me son. Only__ listen to me, focus only on my thoughts. I need you to go east, follow the road. Go away from the city. _

Carlisle's thoughts barely resonated with me. I was still thinking of Alice. Was she here, was she really here and if she was, why...why was she here? Didn't she understand the danger? The Volturi wanted her, Aro desired nothing more than to have Alice at his side, even more than me. If she was in the city, I had to warn her.

I looked over my shoulder and was startled to see the city of Volterra nestled in the hillside some distance away. Had I really traveled so far from the city in the underground passageways? The answer was obvious, but why was I here, why had Carlisle's memories brought me here? Had I been following a memory of him going out for a hunt? Was it as simple as that? Whatever disappointment I felt was quickly forgotten as I still had the mystery of Alice to solve. She'd come for me once before with Bella, rescuing me from the Volturi. Was she back to do it again? I tilted my head back sniffing the air for her scent, but only a strong odor of humans filled my nostrils. I must be mistaken. It was just another symptom of my instabilities, a memory of her voice, another delusion.

_Follow the road Edward._

And then I saw through Carlisle's eyes as he trotted down that cobblestone road that eventually turned to dirt. In his memories, there was no humans near, only the unpleasant odor of deer hidden in the trees and this drew Carlisle's attention as he veered off into the woods that were no longer there, the houses and yards replacing that remote countryside of his past.

I hesitated. If these memories were of Carlisle hunting, I couldn't follow because even as distasteful as the blood of deer could be, his memories would entice me, my instincts would take over and unlike the Carlisle of two hundred years before, my prey would be human; they were all around me.

_He's going to turn around._ "Help him, Carlisle, he's turning around."

Alice's voice again and it was real, it had to be. Why would I manifest a memory of it only to have her recite words that baffled me? But it wasn't her voice that had me staggering in shock, it was the voice that followed.

"Edward, I need you to follow the road, just a little bit further. You have nothing to fear, son."

Carlisle! That was Carlisle's voice. I heard it as clearly as if he were standing next to me. No longer did I believe I was imagining it. I wasn't so far gone that I couldn't recognize the situation for what it was. Carlisle and Alice were here in Volterra, dangerously close the Volturi and they were calling to me, guiding me, stealing me away from them. They shouldn't have come, it was too dangerous. I had to warn them away, had to find them and tell them to leave. Terror filled me and I bolted down the road determined that I would not draw my loved ones into this nightmare.

* * *

The scent hit me first, fresh scent, not just the traces of it that Carlisle had left behind back in the drawing room of the castle. I didn't have to look up to know they were there, but I snuck a peek anyway. Carlisle was standing in the middle of the road, projecting none of the panic or fear I felt. His demeanor was calm, his eyes steady, he looked concerned but not unduly so. Surely he would understand the danger he was in, yet nothing in his thoughts or expression revealed the urgency I felt.

Alice was behind him, sitting on the trunk of a Mercedes limousine parked on the side of the road. But it wasn't her that drew my attention. She was gripping the arm of Jasper who was leaning against the car, his arms folded, his thoughts blank, his face expressionless and behind them was Emmett; now that I smelled his scent and saw him, I could hear him, but he was thinking of Rosalie, not just thinking about her, but imagining her nude and like it always had before, that particular image sent me fleeing from his mind.

"You need to come with us, Edward. It's time to go home." Carlisle said his voice as smooth as silk, no anxiety, no worry, as if it was just another day and we were discussing the weather.

I couldn't look at him. I needed no reminder, no confirmation that my eyes revealed my secrets, I couldn't bear for him to see even though he already knew. I looked at the ground and shook my head, clenching my jaw as I felt the first inkling of the intense shuddering that would make it difficult for me to speak.

"You don't have to stay here son. You heard Aro. You are not a prisoner. You can leave any time you want. You don't belong here…"

"Your wrong!" I cried out, louder than I intended, relieved at least that there was no quaking in my words. I needed to convince them to leave…they were in danger.

"Edward. I lived with the Volturi for many years and just as I did not belong here, neither do you. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect…"

"You are…you d…don't make mistakes." My hands were gripping my hair; I couldn't seem to stop the meltdown that was coming. From Carlisle's eyes I saw myself rocking back on my heels. I needed to leave, go back where I belonged. But what if they followed? No I had to convince them first, convince them to leave me and go away.

I saw movement, Carlisle walking towards me and I flinched away, jumping back several feet. He held up his hands and stopped.

"Listen to me Edward. We all make mistakes. I know you are referring to my ability…my gift if you will…my gift of control. And perhaps in that respect, I am perfect, but I have made many mistakes over my lifetime, a great many and I as with you can only move on from those mistakes and try not to make them again. That is all anyone can do."

I shook my head violently refusing to consider that whatever minor infractions Carlisle was referring too, hardly compared to the evil that I'd perpetuated; hardly mistakes in the most liberal context. To murder was not a mistake.

_We need to go, the V__olturi could show up at any moment. Hurry up Carlisle._

I shot a quick look at Emmett and Carlisle's eyes followed my gaze. Emmett was right, the Volturi guard might be patrolling nearby, they would catch the scent of my family…my former family, they needed to leave at once.

_Focus on me __Edward, only on me._

And for a brief moment, our eyes locked, his golden ochre darkening to black and from those eyes, I saw mine, blazing red, the evidence of my ghastly deeds glaringly obvious. I took several steps away from him, feeling my very presence might contaminate him. I needed to send them on their way, convince him I no longer was part of his family and that I would be okay. He needed to understand that he had no obligation to me, it wasn't his fault, my transgressions were mine alone to bear. I thought about the letter I wrote him. I wished I had it with me, but I never imagined that I would be put in the position to deliver it to him.

"We won't leave you here, son. You must come with us. You belong with us." He kept speaking even as I shook my head frantically, backing away. "The Volturi are a different breed of vampire, you know that. I've told you that. Aro is only using you, he's weakened you, made you believe things that you know aren't true."

"No. Aro knows. He's seen…you don't know what you're talking about." I could defy him, I could. Carlisle was no longer my master, but then when had he ever been. He was my father and I'd failed him, failed him miserably. I couldn't go back…I just couldn't.

And then he was standing feet from me, reaching for me and I did something I hadn't done since I was a newborn. I growled at him, my body assuming a defensive crouch and he froze, for the first time his expression wavered. See…see…I was a monster. I just had to show him. Jasper and Emmett had moved forward. They would protect him from me. Even if Carlisle refused to see, they weren't so blinded by illusions of my innocence. They saw that I posed a real danger to Carlisle.

"Go away!" I shouted retreating several more feet, my demonic eyes locked with Carlisle's gentle ones.

"I won't leave you Edward." He was no longer advancing on me and I relaxed my stance. "You are my son. You need to come home with me."

"Please…" I could manage nothing more. The urge to run was strong, but I knew he would follow me. I no longer looked at him. I couldn't bear it. Behind him, I heard the silent sobs of Alice, but there was nothing in her thoughts. Did she see a vision? What was wrong with her?

"Come with us. We'll help you. You've suffered so much. You need to let us take care of you." Esme's tortured face flashed in his mind. "Your mother is waiting for you; she's here in Italy too."

"You…you…shouldn't have br…brought her…let her come…too dangerous." I gasped, my fingers clawing at my hair.

"Let her? Oh, I don't think I could have stopped her." He chuckled…he actually chuckled. "She will march right up to the Volturi castle and retrieve you herself if you don't come with us."

"Carlisle NO!"

I heard Alice shout, but it was too late. The all consuming rage I felt at the thought of Esme, defenseless Esme, coming anywhere near the Volturi, consumed me. How dare Carlisle bring her here, put her at such risk and for what? To save this ungrateful, selfish, murderous monster I'd become. Every raw emotion, every outrageous action, every disgusting ounce of self loathing I felt, suddenly had a target and it was Carlisle. His stupid values, his unrealistic hope to replicate the human family he never had, this was all his fault….ALL OF IT…

I roared out my rage and charged. I barely saw Emmett shoot forward and when he tried to grab me, I saw and easily dodged him, his skills evading my gift, had weakened from lack of practice. Jasper too leapt in front of me, but my fury could not be distracted and I thrust him aside with a backhanded slap on the side of the head. They weren't prepared to fight the monster I'd become and their half hearted attempts to defend Carlisle were nothing compared to what I'd faced. Unlike Aro, Carlisle had no Jane to disable me, no Renata to deflect me, no endless number of guard to stop me.

And there he stood, unprotected in front of me. His body was tense, his muscles quivered as he fought against the instinctual need to defend himself. He hadn't moved and when I was only steps from him, I sprung. I saw his actions that would have given me pause if I could have stopped myself as I flew through the air. Rather than raise his arms to defend himself against me, he opened them and before I had a chance to contemplate the meaning of his actions I felt myself embraced by them as he pulled me to him, wrapping me securely against him.

_It's alright__ son, I understand…I understand._

Rather than fighting him, I found myself gripping him, pulling him to me, burying my face in his chest, his scent overpowering me with its familiar comforting spicy aroma. I wanted to crawl inside of him, escape from the terror surrounding me and disappear behind the exterior of the strongest man I knew. I felt his arms secure me, his face against my neck and he seemed to feel my need as he tightened his embrace, his grip lifting me from the ground and still it wasn't close enough….still I felt exposed, in danger, fearful that he would evaporate and I would be left with nothing more than the memory of him and so I gripped him tighter, my fingers twisting into his jacket. I didn't understand his groans until Jasper spoke.

"He's hurting you Carlisle."

And then I was pushing him away, trying to escape from the clutches of his arms, understanding that no matter what I did, I would hurt the ones I loved most. I was toxic, a poisonous predator that could only bring pain. But Carlisle's grip around me didn't loosen and he held me firmly against him

"No, it's fine, I'm fine," for Jasper.

_You're safe son. Don't be afraid__. I won't let you go. No one is going to take you away from me again. Not even you. _

I shook my head against his chest. I had to defy him. For his own good, I had to resist. He was in danger…from me…the Volturi. I couldn't put him in danger; because I loved him…I loved him.

_Relax son__, I'm taking you home. _

I felt my body sag against his and for the third time in my life, I felt him lift me in his arms and I stopped struggling, the will to resist him gone, his words lulling me into compliancy.

"Not too much Jasper, I don't want him unconscious."

So that was it then. My passivity was born of Jasper's influence. I didn't care. I didn't want to think about anything anymore. For now, I only wanted to absorb the scent of my creator, the one that had only ever tried to guide and comfort me, his compassion and kindness rewarded by my rebellion and anger. There would be plenty of time for reproach and retribution later, but for now I focused only on his thoughts, his words of reassurance and confidence in this ability to protect me from myself. I wasn't so far gone that I believed anything he said, but I still clung to him and his words, wishing if for a brief time that he was right in his assumption of me and what my future held, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

I remembered little of the actual car ride. Jasper was seated next to Carlisle and I in the back seat with Alice in front with Emmett. I caught their stray thoughts occasionally. Alice was tormented by my condition; nothing in her visions had prepared her for the reality. She knew more than any of them what I had suffered through, what I had done, yet still my deterioration shocked her. Both Emmett and Jasper were cautious, wary of the possibility of that stray Volturi guard that might happen upon us, their eyes scanning either side of the road as if they could see the vampire prior to the ambush. With their thoughts I tensed in Carlisle's arms, understanding the peril they had put themselves in and even in my numbed state, feeling responsible for it. But then Carlisle would grip me tighter and chastise them.

"Clear your thoughts, boys, clear your thoughts." He'd mumble and eventually I would relax again.

Florence was only a short run away from Volterra, but by car it took forty minutes and thirty two seconds. I paid little mind when the vehicle stopped and Emmett exited the car, hearing no alarm in anyone's thoughts that might make me take notice. I tried not to think at all, finding it safe to dwell on nothing, ponder no scenario that would bring harm to my family, contemplate nothing that might distress me. But still I couldn't completely stop the thoughts of those around me and when I heard the familiar inner voice of the only person that might make me feel more ashamed then Carlisle, my body quaked abruptly and I struggled in Carlisle's grip. I wanted to appear strong for her. I didn't want her to worry; a laughable consideration given all I had put her through. But I couldn't pull myself together, couldn't find the will to disengage myself from Carlisle's arms and with Jasper's gift still influencing me I only mumbled in protest when I felt her hand in my hair as she climbed in the spot vacated by him next to Carlisle and I.

"Give him to me Carlisle." Her voice was as soothing to my ears as the sweetest angel in heaven. "Give me my son."

"I don't think that would be a good idea right now, he's still…upset. Perhaps when we are in the air…"

"Carlisle, give me my son." When Esme wanted something, Carlisle seldom denied her and I heard him sigh.

_Edward, I'm going to give you to your mother…gentle son…be gentle._

He was warning me not to hurt her. But I was a monster, what else could he do. I wanted to acknowledge his thoughts, but I didn't trust my voice and cringed at the possibility that I might stutter out some garbled response, so I remained quiet, feeling myself being lift from Carlisle to Esme, aware that some part of me resisted as my hands refused to relinquish my grip on him. But then someone was prying my fingers loose from him and I felt myself in her arms, my head pressed against her breast, her lips on my face as she softly hummed to me a familiar tune from the days she spent comforting me after Bella's death. I offered little response other than to snuggle into her tighter, taking heed of Carlisle's warning not to squeeze too tight and in her soft embrace, I felt content, my muscles only dancing a little under her concerned hands as she tried to quell my tremors.

"There is no way we're going to get him through security like this." Jasper's hushed voice was near, talking to Carlisle.

"No you're right. Esme will have to carry him on. We'll drop her off near the gate." Carlisle responded. "A Boeing 767 Emmett? You couldn't find anything smaller?"

"It is small compared to the 747, Carlisle. I could have got us one of those but I thought it might be a little conspicuous with only seven passengers." He chuckled and in his thoughts I saw him running up and down the empty aisle way chasing Rosalie until they both disappeared into the upper deck of the massive plane. He would have preferred the 747.

"Carlisle, you aren't going to get through security looking like that either," Rosalie's voice. She was there too. I slid languidly into her mind and saw Carlisle from her perspective. His jacket was in tatters, pieces of it were missing and one sleeve was completely torn off. Had I done that to him? What was wrong with me?

"I'll change at the airport," he said abruptly. I felt his hand on me trying to still a new round of violent convulsing tremors that shuddered through my body.

I felt other hands too, forcing my fingers apart removing the remnants of Carlisle's jacket that I still gripped. I knew much of my subdued manner was a result of Jasper's gift, but I couldn't help feeling content, hearing the soft voices of those I loved as they contemplated our escape from Italy. There was no sense of danger, no condemnation for my behavior, just casual chit chat born of familiarity and companionship that made up the lives of those I was so eager to run away from. For now I would only listen and take comfort from their voices, relish their scent, indulge in believing I could truly rejoin them and become a member of this gentle loving family again. Now was not the time to worry about what lay ahead, how I would deceive them and suppress the horrific needs of the monster I'd become.

I kept my eyes closed, hiding from Esme evidence of my abominable deeds clinging to hope that she was ignorant of them and I sighed contently feeling her fingers trace the curves of my face, through her eyes, at least for now, I was not a monster, but her son.

* * *

**_Author Notes: _**

**_So are you completely confused?__ Let me explain Carlisle's rather passive plan of rescue. Edward's mind reading ability is approximately three miles. The ability to hear in vampires is considerably less and the enhanced sense of smell is dictated by a lot of things, namely the wind and obstructions manmade and natural. Carlisle simply used Alice to gauge the success of the rescue attempt and to guide him when Edward strayed off course. Alice's thoughts were her own which she translated verbally to Carlisle outside of Edward's range of hearing. The Volturi guard generally only patrolled the area within the city and it would only be by chance that they would catch wind of Carlisle as he remained safely out of their patrol area. He filled Edward's mind with the countless memories of him using the underground passageways to exit the castle, usually to hunt. Edward had always been given free rein of the castle and tunnels so no one questioned him when he disappeared into them. _**

**_I liken__ed the persistent nature of Carlisle's thoughts to that of the Patrick Swayze character in Ghost when he sang "I'm Henry The VIII, I Am" over and over to Whoopie Goldberg to get her to do his bidding. That is how I imagine Carlisle was as he bombarded Edward with his thoughts encouraging him to follow him into the tunnels._**

**_I had this chapter in my mind from the moment I started writing this story. Rather than ending it at Edward and Carlisle's embrace, I added a couple more paragraphs to include Esme. With all the hell Edward suffered through, I wanted the reunion to be more than just a few words and a hug._**

**_The next chapter will be from Carlisle's POV. It's hard for Edward to access his own mental health, so we will see it through Carlisle's eyes instead._**


	17. Recovery

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

* * *

_Carlisle's POV_

For three days we held him tightly in our arms trying to reassure him that we were real and not a figment of his imagination; that he was home and safe with his family. Usually it was Esme. She would sit with him either in our large great room or more often in her studio, holding his head in her arms gripping him firmly trying to quell the endless tremors that shuddered through his body. When other duties called, I would replace her with the help of my children, prying his hands from her arms, her clothing even her hair, rearranging him against me where he would grip me fervently, for what purpose I didn't know, but his silent need was communicated by body language alone and I would squeeze him securely, recognizing his need, his desire to be held tighter, always tighter. He didn't speak, didn't communicate his needs or convey his wishes verbally, relying on us to anticipate how we could best help him and appearing appeased by our endless attempts to comfort him.

If his obsessive need to be held firmly in the grip of a loved one was troubling, even terrifying, I still concluded it was better than the catatonic state that he'd existed in for several weeks following Bella's death. Now he was completely aware of those around him, his eyes, though never drifting up to meet the gaze of those that held him, took in his surroundings completely cognizant of the other activities in the room. He studied the faces of his brothers and sisters as they, oblivious to his intense scrutiny, went about their business, engaged in their hobbies and insignificant activities.

I could see that he was studying their thoughts closely and this intrigued me. Edward had always shied away from delving too deeply in the minds of his family. Given our living arrangement and enhanced abilities, we were all privy to more of each other's private moments than would normally be considered appropriate in proper company and that was compounded by Edward's extraordinary gift. He would know all our secrets if he so chose to, but always gentlemanly, always mindful of his abilities, he never abused his gift, yet now he seemed obsessed with the thoughts of his family.

I'd never been interested in psychiatry, the direct human contact on an ongoing one-on-one basis made it difficult to pursue it as a career and given that we might be forced to move at a moment's notice, it was not exactly conducive to a healthy doctor-patient relationship that relied almost completely on trust. But now I felt a personal responsibility to educate myself. Edward was not human. I couldn't treat him with the latest drugs or subject him to endless amounts of therapy with a trained professional. I needed to find my own way to help him and so I studied everything I could find that might explain Edward's condition, letting his symptoms guide me to an obvious conclusion.

_Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. _

That was the simplest diagnosis and one that accurately described the symptoms Edward was suffering from. The torment and pain he experienced through the death of his mate was compounded by unspoken horrors and tribulations yet to be revealed. His eyes conveyed the evidence of the death of humans at his hands. And he would suffer for it, but it was not what triggered his tremors or defined his need to burrow away from the world and the repercussions of his actions. Edward had killed before, many times before, hundreds of times before, but even assuming the Volturi kept him well fed for the very short time that he reverted to a human diet, he could have hardly been responsible for more than a half dozen deaths. Not insignificant by any standard but certainly that alone is not what had sent him into such a state. There was more to it, much more and only with Edward's cooperation would I be able to get to the root of the problem.

There was no physical ailment that could produce muscle tremors in vampires so the only way to explain the twitching wrecking havoc on my son's body had to be attributed to a mental condition. Documented history related to vampire abnormalities was nonexistent and the only one among us that might have some insight was not someone I wanted to confront anytime in the next several decades, so it was up to me to determine the best way to help my son.

When he finally did speak it was in response to rudimentary questions, his answers perfunctory and polite but revealing nothing about the traumatic events of the previous few months. Esme did not pursue it, content to hold her son in her arms reveling in his return and accepting him in whatever form he was prepared to offer.

I, on the other hand, needed to understand his experience recognizing that in order to help him I would need him to relive the pain and terror alluded to in Alice's visions. But he wouldn't speak of it, his lips remaining tightly sealed whenever I suggested we talk about it and the tremors would become significantly worse if I pursued it.

And so I held him. My lips pressed against his brow when he whimpered in my grip, no doubt recalling a memory or painful experience that couldn't be eradicated from his mind even surrounded by the love of his family. At times he would grip me fiercely, clinging to me, begging me to help him without revealing what he needed from me, but more often he would lie silently in my embrace, caught up in the nightmare of his memories, staring blankly at nothing, his breath little more than pants, hyperventilating when he sunk into a particularly disturbing remembrance.

Eventually we saw the results of our passive ministering. When he pushed away from me for the first time, I tried to keep my mind blank of any emotion taking note that despite his attempts at separation, he still became agitated when I rose to leave him, Esme's presence not mollifying his anxiety. I concluded that it was not so much a physical need to have us close but a worry that we would disappear, not completely confident that we were real unless he was clinging to us thru physical contact.

But that fear too appeared to dissipate and with it the household returned to some semblance of normalcy. The first sign that he no longer required our constant presence was his exploration of our new home and the property surrounding it. Our human neighbors were much closer than they ever were in Forks. Before we even purchased the house, I'd inquired into purchasing the property adjacent to ours and was assured it was an option. Bella as a newborn would never have been able to resist the scent of humans so close, but after her death it wasn't something I pursued and I was relieved that Edward did not appear unduly bothered by it.

The tantalizing scent of an older couple that still clung to their residence in an old decrepit mansion, similar in style to that of our own would drift over the household at the convenience of the wind so Edward had been exposed to it from the moment of his return and his lack of response convinced me that my son, despite his recent dabbling in human blood, still had control of his bloodlust.

The first time we took him out to hunt he was unsure and suspicious of my presence and those of his brothers who I encouraged to accompany us. I knew he felt our scrutiny and assumed he could read his brothers' thoughts. His shame almost incapacitated him and distracted him so much he had trouble focusing on the hunt. I had no real fear that Edward would be drawn to the scent of humans, so temptingly close in this tourist hubbub of the north shore, but I understood where before the scent of humans was exclusively off limits, now he no longer felt the sense of taboo when he encountered their smell and I had to make sure he wouldn't be drawn to them when his instincts overpowered him.

When he finally was able to focus on the odor of deer that was all around us, he did so dispassionately, taking down the first few deer he came across, draining them quickly then politely waiting for myself and his brothers to take our fill before returning home to the embrace of his undemanding mother.

As he slowly, very slowly, returned to us, I saw his insecurities and his paranoia grow, fearful that our escape from Italy would be punished, that somewhere out there lurking, was the elite Volturi guard, and despite my attempts to dissuade him from such thoughts, I would often find him staring out across the great expanses of the giant lake that bordered our home, waiting for the emergence of the guard from its depths, intent on retrieving and returning him to the brothers that coveted his gift.

* * *

"No…no…no…no…NO!"

I was up and from behind my desk the moment the first_ no_ burst from Edward's mouth. Before Esme even had a chance to react, I stood outside of the door of her studio waiting to see if she needed assistance.

"Sweetheart, don't you understand, I want to be here with you," Esme said calmly, conciliatory.

"NO! I don't want you here. I don't want you to change anything, not for me, not ever." He said pleadingly. There was no anger in his voice, he didn't get angry anymore.

"Alright, sweety. We won't talk about it anymore. I just want you to know I'm here for you, if you need me." Esme's tone remained even, but I knew her heart was breaking.

"I'm fi…fine." Edward's voice cracked. "I'll be fine." He rushed out of the room, not acknowledging me as he flew down the stairs and out the door.

Esme was right behind him but she stopped short when she saw me. Our eyes locked, but as had been the case since we returned from Italy more than three weeks before, we didn't communicate beyond that. Not even thinking about what troubled the both of us. With a quick nod, she returned to her studio and I to my office. Our minds blank of thoughts of Edward. We would not ponder this latest outburst until later when he was out of our range of thoughts.

I'd given a directive to the family that we had to be mindful of our thoughts, had to consider Edward's abilities even when it appeared he was too distracted to be listening to us. And so we'd taken to running into the surrounding wilderness when we wanted to have conversations about our troubled son and brother, usually on the pretense of hunting. On the surface it appeared we'd never been so well fed and if Edward noticed our frequent forays into the woods, he never commented on it.

Now I stood staring out the window, watching as he ran down the driveway and into the great expanse of the North woods seeking solitude that we couldn't offer him. I felt a lurching in my heart, a fear clog my throat as I watched his retreating figure until he was out of sight. I still held onto a real fear that it would be the last time I would see him, that he would disappear from our life, this time for good.

I made no demands on my son upon his return, put no pressure on him, and elicited no promises from him save one. In one of his more coherent moments, I made him promise me that he would never leave us, never disappear from our lives again. I even resorted to showing him images of Esme, contorted in grief and hysterics upon hearing Alice's vision and misinterpreting it as a prelude of his death. Besides sending Edward into a convulsive state of tremors so uncontrollable I had to restrain him in my arms until they subsided, Esme, aroused by the commotion had been so infuriated by my efforts to control our son that she refused to speak to me for the better part of a week. I no longer showed Edward memories of our grief during his absence.

Now, feeling her fingers curl around my shoulders and her lips against my neck, I sighed as she pulled my tension filled body back against her.

"What should I do Carlisle? I have absolutely no interest in renovating that mansion anymore." Her fingers slid through my hair. "I just want to stay home with him. He needs me and he wants me with him; I can feel it."

"I know my darling, I know." I turned to face her pulling her against my chest and burying my face in her sweet smelling hair. "But we can't appear to adjust our lives to accommodate him. He won't tolerate it. I'm surprised he hasn't discovered that Emmett and Rosalie canceled their trip to Africa this summer. They are guarding their thoughts exceedingly well."

There were many things that could evoke strong emotional reactions from Edward, most we only discovered by accident. In modern day psychiatry they were referred to as triggers. Edward had many triggers. When he caught my passing thought to delay accepting my position at St Mary's Hospital, he was so overcome with self-blame that it took me a better part of a day to reassure him that I fully intended to report to work the following week as had been my plan all along.

"What should I do? How can I convince him that I truly want to stay home with him?"

"I don't think you can convince him of that. He will always assume you are giving up something you love to accommodate his needs." My fingers slid down along my wife's back, stopping at the curve of her ample buttocks. With Edward and the others out of the house, I suddenly wanted to take advantage of our time alone together. It was so rare nowadays.

"Carlisle, please, you aren't helping," she answered breathlessly pressing herself against me.

"He won't be alone, Esme. I will be home with him during the day and the others won't start classes until the end of August."

"But Carlisle, I'm his mother…he needs…"

I drowned out her words with my mouth. We could talk later, for now I had my own needs.

* * *

Hours later as I prepared for my shift at the hospital, I saw Edward return, his posture unchanged from the weeks he'd been home, his head down, his shoulders slumped the weight of the world resting on them. Whatever trepidation I felt at his absence was not alleviated by his demeanor. For three weeks I'd tried to break through to him, and for three weeks I failed. He refused to divulge any information about his trip to Mexico and subsequent stay with the Volturi. I tried gently prodding him into it, reassurances that speaking about it would release him of the burden of carrying his angst with him, but this only depressed him further, suggesting that he deserved to carry the burden of his dastardly deeds for all time and should be allowed no relief from the weight of his transgressions.

And without the dialog that might spur a recovery or at the very least, the beginning of the healing process that might allow him to move forward with whatever happiness he could find without his mate, I was at a loss for how to help him. Esme was not driven like me. She was content to hold her son in her arms day after day never encouraging his independence or suggesting it might be unhealthy for him to rely on her so much.

He no longer needed to be held and comforted constantly, but he still preferred the company of one or more of us including his siblings. It was one of the few significant changes I'd noticed in him, a change that was noteworthy given that his gift made moments of solitude a welcomed respite. After Bella's death, that desire appeared to increase tenfold and he seldom left the confines of his room, resigned to the presence of visitors only because he had no way to keep us from invading his private space.

But now he sought us out, content to sit quietly in the background regardless of the activity we were engaged in. A less desirable manifestation of that behavior was he no longer pretended to be interested in those activities or sought to join them. If Esme was near he would invariably find her lap and nestle his head in it as she stroked his head trying to quell the insistent tremors that racked his rock hard muscles. In the unlikely event that Esme was not available to comfort him, he would either curl himself up in a ball, doing his best to contain the tremors himself or occasionally seeking comfort from Alice and even Rosalie, if they were not engaged in an activity with their mates.

It was only with me that he sought no further physical contact or reassurance from. In fact my very presence would send him slinking from the room if he wasn't already in the grasp of his mother or one of his sisters. I didn't need to be a mind reader to understand the reason. The shame on his face whenever he caught my gaze or felt my presence told me everything I needed to know and I understood it more than Edward could possibly realize.

My memories of my human father were faded, fragmented just bits and pieces of a life that was mine for twenty-three years but now could have been the recollection of someone else for all the sentimental feelings I had for him. But I could remember the emotional upheaval his presence induced in me. The sense of failure, of not living up to expectations and the shame, always the shame when I felt I hadn't done my best or betrayed his beliefs and values that he prized above all else, including me. Those feelings of inadequacy in my father's presence were as fresh as if they happened yesterday.

Reflecting on myself as a father, I was abruptly filled with self-doubt. Was I perhaps transmitting certain preferred behaviors that were more than my children could ever hope to live up to? Could it be that I was so self-absorbed that I failed to recognize my own children's individuality and needs? Because I refused to bend on the basic philosophy that we could not feed from humans, the natural food source of our species; was I being unrealistic and worse, a tyrant. After all, I was the one that turned them, brought them into this supernatural world with me. They were not given a choice.

Esme greeted my concerns with an eye role, but when she saw that I was seriously troubled, she smiled and shook her head.

"Carlisle, you are a wonderful father and the most forgiving man I know, so don't even consider blaming yourself."

"That isn't the point Esme. If I've set my children up for failure by inventing this charade of a human life, then refusing to consider that it may not be possible for any of them to refrain from our instinctual need to feed on humans in the long term, not to mention our other instinct to roam freely and not be tied into the routine mundane activities of a human life. I am the one dictating how we live and if one of my children fails at something that is completely natural to him, how is it so admirable for me to offer forgiveness. It sounds completely egotistical and self-serving to me."

"You are anything but egotistical Carlisle, now enough with this nonsense and I'll pretend I didn't hear you just call our life a charade."

The conviction in my wife's voice gave me some comfort.

"Edward has never taken the easy way; he has never truly accepted who he is and he continues to battle with inner demons that have nothing to do with you. Yes he wants to please you but that is because he loves you, he loves you most of all. And my dear husband, it isn't that hard; you are surprisingly easy to love and not all that difficult to please."

And so I tried…I tried talking to him, not talking to him, offering physical comfort which was rejected, silent camaraderie which he tolerated, distractions which he ignored and still I saw no progress and I found it incredibly frustrating.

Now as I went to bid my wife farewell, I found Edward curled in a leather recliner, a recent addition in Esme's studio. She was working on blueprints for the Glensheen mansion, resigned to her duty as the administrator of the renovation project. She had a meeting with the curator of the estate in the morning.

After exchanging a quick kiss with my wife, I moved by Edward's chair and in an impromptu change of strategy, I ran my fingers along the side of his face, and through his hair before he could pull away in protest.

_Good night Edward. Take care of your mother for me._

I felt his eyes on me as I left the room satisfied that I had at least gotten his attention.

* * *

"Where are my things?" Edward was sitting with Alice, Esme and I in the gazebo overlooking Lake Superior on a beautiful sunny May afternoon five weeks after returning home. It was the first time he mentioned anything about his personal effects and I took it as a positive sign, after weeks of indefinable results. "Is everything still back in Forks?"

Esme had stopped her scribbling in a sketch pad and turned to look at her son, presumably to convey her astonishment over his assumption that she would disregard nine decade's worth of his personal items, but as was usually the case, Edward was not looking at her. I saw him visibly flinch, so I knew she conveyed as much in her thoughts.

"I've been waiting for you to ask about them," she said quietly. "Do you remember when I told you that I had a surprise for you?"

He nodded, his eyes sliding past us suddenly finding something very interesting in the swirling angry waves crashing against the formable rocky cliffs.

Esme's eyes found mine and I saw the pain in them even as she tried to hide any additional thoughts from Edward's view. I knew what she was thinking. She created a space for Edward to give him the privacy and the solitude he'd always craved so much. But now Edward no longer sought that solitude and so Esme's surprise was no longer a welcomed solution.

"Come, let me show you sweetheart. Unfortunately I don't think it really fits your needs any longer, but I want you to see it before we convert it to something else."

With that she was up, gripping his hand and pulling him to his feet. Alice jumped up clapping her hands particularly exuberant. Apparently her visions suggested a positive outcome.

The converted carriage house was a charming structure with an almost identical architectural design as the main residence. The lower level was converted to a state of the art garage by Rosalie but to date, it remained empty, the garage attached to the house held our primary vehicles; the others, including Edward's abandoned and returned Volvo remained back in Forks, yet to be retrieved.

When Edward entered the pristine garage, he whistled and deadpanned. "Stunning, Esme. Thank you so much."

Esme's reaction was so spontaneous, so utterly without thought, that it transcended all the horrors of the past year and brought us back to another time. She roundly cuffed him on the side of the head and then promptly pressed her hands to her mouth in horror realizing what she had done.

Before she could utter out an apology that would have ruined the levity of the moment, Alice jumped between them urging Edward up the stairs and I clamped my arm around Esme's waist, doing everything I could through sheer physical contact, to keep her from fussing over her son who we usually treated as a fragile priceless antique.

"Isn't it beautiful and it's all yours." Alice exclaimed, unapologetically revealing the surprise that had been careful harbored by Esme for months.

And it was beautiful, breathtakingly so. It was one large room, devoid of the human trappings of a kitchen, the allusion of humanity not needed in this one small part of the estate. The back wall overlooking the lake was all windows, mimicking the design of great room in the main house and similar to the architecture of our home in Forks. The floors were a rich brown mahogany wood, a fireplace, made up of the very stones of the lake surrounding us and the furnishings were all modern oversized leather, burgundy and blacks, all of it designed to be the private quarters of a young man. On one wall was all the high tech gadgets that Emmett and Jasper could pack in with shelves and shelves of his music and on the other, Edward's piano, Throughout the room, were Edward's personal effects and books, everything was here and arranged to be practical and aesthetically pleasing.

Hand in hand we watched Edward's face gauging his reaction. It remained largely emotionless, as he surveyed the room, accessing his property, taking note of items with a deeper personal significance. Finally his eyes, still a cloudy red, met Esme's and for a brief moment he held her gaze before looking down. He swallowed several times, and I could see he was trying to speak. Finally Alice gripped him firmly from behind around the midsection, distracting him from his discomfort and the apparent slip into a fit of spasms that could incapacitate him, making it difficult for him to speak.

"Do you like it, it's fabulous isn't it? Don't you dare say you don't like it. I helped decorate." Alice's chatter gave Edward a chance to recover and eventually he tried to return his gaze to Esme, falling short, his eyes resting somewhere below her waist.

"It's w…wonderful, stunning. But…but why me?" He managed to get out, raking his fingers through his messy hair several times.

My heart ached for him and though I longed to comfort him, I refrained, understanding that this was his time with Esme, I couldn't inject myself without making him more self-conscious and uncomfortable.

"Oh sweetheart, I don't know how I can say this without bringing you pain, but I want to be truthful." Esme released me and moved forward wrapping her arms around him and Alice. "It was for you and Bella. As newlyweds you would have needed your own space, your privacy and after…after Bella…I still thought you would appreciate it so I just changed a few things, but it was always your room, from the moment I saw this house, it was always yours.

"Thank you. It's…it's perfect." His arms tightened around her. "But..where is the…the where's the bed?"

Esme's eyes locked with mine and too late her thoughts were read by Edward.

He pulled back, looking at her, without really seeing her. "I just…I just…was curious. I don't n…need a bed…but if I did, where would…would you put it."

"Well, let's see," my wife turned and looked around the room carefully contemplating the layout before responding. I knew she was stalling for time; the question was unexpected and without knowing what initiated it, she couldn't know what the appropriate answer was. Fortunately she had a daughter that was intuitive enough to assist her.

"Esme, didn't we talk about putting it over there in the alcove." Alice pointed to a corner of the room that had been designated as a small library, with a desk, a high back chair and a generous ceiling high shelf full of books. "Windows on all three sides, it would be so wonderful to be able to lie in bed and wake up surrounded by trees, without all the dirt and leaves and wet." She wrinkled her nose.

"Edward , there is no rush to move out here," I said unable to remain quiet any longer. Edward's question about the bed had flustered Esme leaving her at a loss for words. "Or if you prefer, we can move everything into the main part of the house. It won't fit in the studio, but I'm sure Rosalie and Emmett wouldn't mind swapping rooms with you."

Edward, spun to look at me, obviously forgetting that I was there, troubling on an entirely different level. "No, it's my room." Then looking back at Esme. "It's my room?"

"Yes sweetie. It's your room. It will always be your room."

* * *

Edward didn't move out to his room that day or that week or the week after that, but he did often disappear into it during the day when Esme was gone and he couldn't find comfort with me or his siblings.

I didn't interfere with his solitude, understanding that it was his sanctuary away from the constant thoughts of the loved ones that surrounded him but I did make note every time he entered the room, how long he stayed and when he finally exited returning to the arms of his mother when she came home.

Finally, conceding defeat to no one in particular, I approached Jasper, eliciting his help in breaking down the formable wall that Edward had erected. I had to understand the traumatic experiences that my son had experienced to better access how I could help him and with his refusal to enlighten me, to speak of it at all, I had to go to the only one besides myself who might understand what nightmares Edward faced during his time away from us, again conceding to Jasper as the expert on Mexico.

"I'm not going to lie to you Carlisle. We didn't share all Alice's visions with you during Edward's absence."

I nodded expecting as much.

"But we didn't leave out anything too significant. What Alice was able to transcribe to me, didn't make much sense and Alice certainly didn't know what the images meant, but a couple of things she saw…well…" He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I don't think it would be wise to speculate without talking to Edward first. I might be completely wrong and if I am, it would only traumatize him further."

I didn't realize that this was also his way of telling me that I wouldn't be made privy to his speculations either. And so I waited, hoping against hope that Edward might see a kinship with Jasper, recognizing that his brother had decade's worth of suffering within the ranks of the brutal southern covens and could truly understand what he'd gone through.

Another week ticked by achingly slow and my only clue that Jasper had pursued Edward about his experiences was Edward's complete avoidance of me, seeking protection from Esme whenever he thought I might approach him to talk. Pain and doubt clawed at my insides. I could not know for sure that I was pursuing the correct approach with my son, recognizing that there was a fine line between helping Edward overcome his demons and a burning curiosity to learn something new.

Upon returning from my shift early one morning well into the sixth week of Edward's return to us, I was greeted by Jasper, his face drawn in torment, immediately I felt alarm.

"What's wrong? Where's Edward?" I heard alarm creeping into my voice.

Jasper held up his hands, in an apparent attempt to calm me his gaze flickering towards Esme's studio. "Edward would like to talk to you."

I nodded, immediately reining in any stray thoughts of distress, understanding that we might have reached a breakthrough but refusing to allow myself to get my hopes up. Even if he talked of his experience in Mexico, there was no guarantee that it would help him.

"Esme and the rest of the family are going to be there as well."

I recognized in my son's voice the flickering of concern and realized that whatever Edward wanted to talk to me wouldn't be a walk in the park.

Surprisingly, Edward was not seated with his mother, instead resting his head against Alice's shoulder as she casually draped an arm over it. Whatever Edward had to share with us, Alice had already at least in part been privy to it, but that hadn't prepared her, she looked extremely upset.

Rosalie sat at Esme's side with Emmett behind her and I settled on the other side of my wife who glanced at me with a weak smile.

"I think we all know why we are here. Alice, as you could guess has seen many visions during Edward's absence, most of which she really didn't understand. However some things she said alluded to rumors from my time in the south and Edward's experience in Mexico has validated it. I convinced him that it's something you all need to hear." Jasper hesitated. "Edward, perhaps you should start at the beginning."

I got the distinct impression that Jasper was the force behind this family meeting. Edward appeared to be in agony. He was looking at his hands clenching them together in a futile attempt to stop the intense trembling. His ability to speak was seriously compromised during these episodes and I realized with growing dismay that he may not be able to communicate at all which would be completely humiliating to him.

My eyes locked with Jasper's urging him to assist his brother understanding that Edward may also be reading me but skeptical given Edwards growing agitation.

"Perhaps we should start with Nicholas," Jasper said slowly. "Eleazar was correct. He had a gift similar to his. He could see the special talents of other vampires and was talking to Edward from the moment he approached our house. He encouraged Edward to follow him, alluding to an oasis, a paradise of beautiful women and uninhibited sexual experiences."

"What…?" Emmet snorted.

"No…no that's wrong." Edward looked mortified and I saw a little tug of a smile on Jasper's lips.

"Hey if I have to tell the story, I might embellish it, just a little."

Edward grimaced, unable to relate to Jasper's attempts at lightheartedness.

"Nicholas said…he said it was a change of scenery. He showed me images of his mate and others in…in his coven, but I wasn't going to go…not right away. I w…was going to Denali." He spoke in a rush, pushing all the words out at once then looked expectantly at Jasper.

"It was as Alice suspected. Edward left with the intention of going to Mexico, he only thought of Denali in order to avoid her detection."

Edward looked dejectedly at the floor. "I'm so…sorry." He muttered.

"It's alright Edward, there is nothing to apologize for. Please don't give it another thought," I said, hoping to move the conversation along. We could not get bogged down in regrets right now. I needed to know how my son suffered.

"Nicholas gave Edward specific directions. He was able to find the coven fairly easily, but just as I suspected, it was all a lie."

"Th…they had some newborns and older ones…n…not newborns any…anymore. They were almost destroyed…they needed me to h…help them. I didn't…I…I didn't want to." Alice gripped him tighter as Esme and I clasped hands against the sofa.

"He…Cameron said they would…they would come and take Alice if I…if I didn't." He buried his face in his hands as Esme gasped.

"They first had him read the mind of one of the older newborns that they suspected was plotting against them…" Jasper said quickly, anxious to move the story past any allusions of danger, however remotely, to Alice. "It was the one that Alice saw burn, the one that you thought was a vision of…of Edward."

"I…I…didn't do it…I didn't read him…I…I lied. It wasn't my…my fault."

Esme was up and across the room before I could utter a protest. She disengaged Edward from Alice's arms and pulled him against her as she took his place on the sofa. "Of course it wasn't your fault, sweetheart, none of this is your fault."

He shook his head against her, protesting her assumption that he was an innocent participant, but there would be no convincing Esme of that.

"I can't say that I'm familiar with this particular coven and most of what Edward described is fairly typical behavior within other southern covens. A mind reader in a battling coven would be highly prized and valuable. It's fairly obvious that they were going to use him to rebuild their strength after suffering a major defeat." Again Jasper took control of the conversation as Esme tended Edward. "In return for delivering Edward to them, Nicholas and his mate were allowed to leave. Edward isn't exactly sure how they were held or enticed to stay in the first place but suffice to say they wanted no part of remaining with that coven a minute longer than they had to. Edward thinks that Gina, Nicholas' mate, was ill…"

"Ill?" I was mystified by that comment. Vampires didn't get ill.

Jasper looked at me pointedly. "Mentally ill."

"Oh," I didn't want to pursue it but I couldn't help myself. "Edward, why do you think that?"

Edward looked up, glancing at my face searching for some sign…of what I wasn't sure. ""Her thoughts…she saw things…visions…delusions," he whispered.

"They left shortly after Edward arrived," Jasper continued. "After the incident with the betrayal of one of their own, the leaders weren't pleased that Edward lied so I assume in an effort to control him they revealed a secret, confirmed all the rumors. I think Edward should tell you about it."

He turned to look at his brother who was still huddled in Esme's arms, Alice leaning in enveloping him between them. I felt myself leaning forward. Rosalie and Emmett were surprisingly quiet; we all felt the pending revelation would be the answer to what ailed Edward.

"Do you feel up to it, son? We could do it at another time," Esme, always the mother, even as I silently, fervently wanted him to continue.

When he finally spoke, he looked up directly at me, his eyes meeting mine. He heard my thoughts and wished to abide my wishes. I felt the guilt creep through me. Was my need for information greater than the consideration for my son's well being?

"They t…took me to a ch…church, not far fr…from the coven." Edward started slowly; he was staring past me now, remembering. "I was told to…to…go inside…see for myself."

He swallowed, pushed himself up and away from his mother, determined to tell his story without assistance.

"I didn't see anything…not at first. The ch…church was damaged, destroyed. All the h…humans were long dead. I…I saw someth…thing on the altar. It was hard to…to see so I had to get closer."

His voice got stronger and despite the stuttering, he appeared unaware of it, less self-conscious about it, his need to tell his story outweighing embarrassment over his halting speech.

"I saw Nicholas first; he was on th…the altar, but others were there too. I didn't know w…who they were or how long they'd been there." He looked around at us gauging our reaction, cocking his head not understanding the lack of one. "Prisoners…"

"What do you mean there were others there too? Vampires?" I asked confused, glancing at Jasper who was waiting, allowing Edward the opportunity to tell his story.

"Yes, vampires," but he was shaking his head no. "In the church, they were in th…the church."

"I'm sorry son, I don't understand. Who exactly was in the church?" I noted his frustration and heard him sigh.

"V…vampires." He looked at Jasper for help.

"There were vampires in the church, Carlisle. Enemies of the coven…," he looked at Edward, who was gripping his hair…waiting. "…but only their heads. Only their heads were in the church."

Esme whimpered softly between clenched teeth. She was trying to maintain her composure for Edward's sake, but Jasper's pronouncement was so outrageous, abominable, I could see her struggle to remain in control. My sweet, gentle wife was not prepared for the utter gruesomeness perpetuated by some of our kind.

"Are you saying once they removed the heads they kept them?" I had never heard of such a thing myself. Both Jasper and Edward were nodding. "But wait. You said Nicholas? They killed him?"

Jasper was nodding his head yes, Edward was shaking his no.

"Th…they lied. They said he could go, but they lied. Th..they took his head."

"What happened to his mate? The one you said was ill. Did they kill her too?" Emmett's deep baritone, startled me. Emmett could be relied upon for comic levity during serious conversations, but even he couldn't inject something light hearted into this conversation.

Edward shrugged. "I didn't see her again….bu…but she could have been hiding. She might h…have come back for it…his…his head."

Edward was in another place now. His mind had drifted away. He would answer the questions of his family, but he was no longer with us. Esme noticed it at once and pressed her chin against his shoulder, humming softly, trying to bring him back.

"During my time with Maria, we heard about them, how they would save the heads of their enemy and display them as trophies." Jasper explained. He caught my disbelieving expression. "It's not unheard of, Carlisle. Humans have been doing it for thousands of years, but there is one significant difference that Edward hasn't mentioned yet."

I looked at Jasper suspiciously than at Edward who didn't appear to be listening. "What are you talking about, Jasper?"

I saw my son's eyebrow go up. "Honestly Carlisle, I'm surprised you haven't thought of it. What happens when we decapitate a vampire? " When I didn't answer he continued. "They are burned, burned so they cannot reanimate. But think about it, what would happen if you saved the head, didn't burn it with the rest of the body."

"What are you implying Jasper, just say it."

"We don't die, Carlisle, not completely. Not like humans. We don't die."

I was looking at my son stunned beyond words. I suspected I knew what he was referring to but I was still churning the idea over in my mind. Was it possible; could it be possible? "Are you saying these heads were alive?" Jasper didn't answer, but Edward was nodding his head within Esme's grip.

"They were alive? Okay that's just sick." Emmett was completely fascinated.

The doctor in me was spellbound but something was wrong, I was missing something, something awful. I looked at Edward who was throwing furtive glances at me. "Edward, how do you know they were alive?" I held up my hand as Jasper attempted to speak. I felt it was important that Edward address my question himself.

"I saw them move.," he said dispassionately.

"You saw them move, their faces?"

"Ye…yes and eyes. They moved their eyes."

I considered this. It was horrible, simply horrible. Were they capable of feeling pain? Did they know what had happened to them, their fate, did they understand, were they even aware of…

Edward was nodding at me.

I gasped, drawing the stares of my entire family. When I looked at Edward he was still nodding at me, a little smile on his lips. He was sharing a secret with me. A horrid secret, but only now did I understand.

"You could hear them Edward, you could hear their thoughts?"

There was no need to respond. He knew that, so instead he nuzzled himself against his mother who appeared to be in shock. Her arms hanging limply from his shoulders, the frozen expression of horror on her face a reflection of mine. There would be no hiding our thoughts now. If Edward was capable, he was reading us, there was nothing we could do about that. It was too terrible, too unimaginable and yet I did imagine it; envisioning Edward, for all intents and purposes held against his will, being forced to hear the thoughts of bodiless vampires. Did they threaten him with the same fate if he failed to do their bidding?

He was nodding again, his body shuddering, bringing Esme back and she was gripped him tightly, readjusting him against her, so that her face was against his hair, her lips pressing against his cheek. Her words of comfort could be meant for any of us. The room was dead still.

"Do you know how long they were there?" Rosalie finally broke the silence understanding the battle Esme and I struggled with as we tried to empty our minds.

Edward didn't respond at first and for a moment I felt the painful clenching in my chest. We pushed him too far. But then finally, a response.

"I… I think for a very long time. They were thirsty."

"Edward's right. The rumors persisted even during my time. Obviously I can't say for sure but it's entirely possible that some of those…those heads may have been in that state for decades." Jasper said, his eyes too holding a distant look. He was remembering his own past.

"And they are still there, suffering, how awful." Esme whispered.

"No…no." Edward was shaking his head against her. "No the Volturi burned them. I had the Volturi burn them. I showed the…them where they were."

I didn't like this stagnant unemotional Edward and neither did Esme. She hugged him to her even as he resisted her embrace finding strength in his indifference to the abhorrent memories of his time in Mexico.

"You did the right thing, son. It was the only solution. They could not live as they were. There was no other alternative." My voice sounded hollow and forced.

"That's why Jane didn't kill me."

"What son? What do you mean?"

"The heads; Jane wanted Aro to see the thoughts of the heads, that's why she didn't have me killed."

I wasn't sure why the very idea of Edward's death at the hands of that demon child enraged me so. I understood from the moment Edward vanished from our lives that I might lose him, but to hear him voice it so casually, as fact, as something that so easily could have happened, infuriated me. When I finally managed to refocus I looked at my son and from Esme's arms I could see him staring at my curiously. I couldn't pretend to understand how he interpreted my thoughts as I contemplated how I would have slaughtered Aro's most prized and gifted vampire had she been responsible for Edward's death.

* * *

"Let me see your hand son." I ambushed Edward in Esme's studio before he could avoid me.

"Why?" Edward put both hands behind his back.

"I think I know what is causing your tremors, I might be able to stop them."

Edward looked up at me suspiciously, but I saw his body shift as he apparently heard Esme's encouraging silent voice. A few seconds more and he acquiesced, holding them out to me. As I suspected, the minor tremors I observed upon entering the room, became violent shaking, even as Edward closed his hands into fists, attempting to control them.

Taking his hands in mine I waited, holding them loosely staring at them and feeling Edward's gaze as his eyes moved from our hands to my face, studying me openly, taking advantage of my distraction.

My latest theory about Edward's tremors occurred quite by accident. Endlessly, recycling human symptoms and conditions that could create such tremors had produced no results. So rather than assume Edward's tremors were a bi-product of his former humanness, I considered what vampire traits might trigger the uncontrollable trembling of our marble muscles. From there I was able to deduce a possible cause and it was something I'd experienced myself only a few weeks before. Recalling specifically the moment Edward turned on me outside of Volterra, I had an almost uncontrollable need to sink into a crouch preparing to defend myself against his attack. It was only with supreme effort that I refrained, fighting against the instinctual response that dictated my behavior during a pending attack and upon doing so my muscled contorted violently in protest.

Now, holding Edward's hands, I felt his impatience growing.

_Please son, just give me a moment. Relax if you can. I want to see what happens. _

He sighed, but his agitation subsided. Eventually the tremors did as well, first to a level akin to when I walked in the room, noticeable but not frighteningly so as he understood that I would not ask anything else of him and his participation in my little experiment only required him to stand still in front of me. But gradually they abated until I could hardly feel them beneath my hands at all.

Thirty minutes later, I released him and after momentarily looking at them, he stuffed his hands back in his pocket and settled into the leather chair at Esme's side. When I didn't speak immediately, he looked at me curiously and when I didn't respond to his inquisitive stare, he spoke.

"So, did you learn anything?"

"Perhaps," and I turned and left the room.

Back in my office, it only took minutes of shuffling papers and opening desk drawers, before I heard Edward's soft footsteps approach.

"Aren't you going to tell me?" There wasn't belligerence in his voice, but the exasperation at my deliberate effort to block him, almost brought a smile to my lips.

_It's only a theory, Edward._

"What? Tell me?" He sat in the chair across from me. How long had it been since he'd done that, seeking my advice or council; over a year? "Please."

Inviting Edward's curiosity had paid off, but I wasn't going to refuse his plea.

"Tell me how do you feel when the tremors start getting severe?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, but I think you do. I think you know exactly what I mean. Why are you lying to me son." And just as if I turned on a switch, I saw his reaction to my words. The quivering, the jerking of muscles and his immediate attempt to quell them by wrapping his arms tightly around himself. He was shaking his head, staring wide eyed directly at me.

_It's alright son. I'm sorry. I did that on purpose. It's part of my theory. I wanted to show it to you before I explained it._ I held up my hand. "Please, it's alright Edward, you don't have to answer the question, I already know the answer."

"What answer? Wh…what do you mean?"

"I think your tremors are an instinctual response that your body under goes when you are in danger or feel that you are being attacked. When you feel threatened….when we feel threatened, our instincts kick in. We are driven by them, they control us." I paused giving him time to absorb what I said. "That's why newborns are so dangerous. They are completely controlled by their instincts, motivated by them with no rational thought dictating against the will of the instinctual response. We, on the other hand, can control our instincts, perhaps not immediately, but we can get ourselves under control fairly quickly. I think that is what you are doing, controlling your instinctual response when you feel threatened and due to the exertion of always fighting against your instincts, you are suffering from tremors."

He was looking at me skeptically and I can't say I blamed him, but I had run this theory by Eleazar and he thought it sounded reasonable, even likely, so I knew there was some plausibility to it.

"You've heard of the fight or flight instinct, very primal; it can even be attributed to humans? I think you are suffering tremors because you are fighting those instincts, both the urge to fight and the need to run. I think you've been bombarded with the threats of those around you for so long, that now it's second nature for those instincts to manifest themselves whenever you feel…well…upset."

It occurred to me during my conversation with Eleazar that this ultra sensitive defense reaction might be a change in Edward that could not be easily unchanged, a shift in personality hardwired for all time, but I didn't think it wise to enlighten Edward with that piece of information, verbally or otherwise.

"It also would explain why the tremors subside when your mother holds you. The need to defend yourself isn't there, you're relying on her…" the look on his face gave me pause. "…your instincts are relying on her to keep you safe. That is nothing to be ashamed of Edward. That's what we're here for."

"How can I make it stop?" He ignored my reassurances, but wanted so much to believe that it was something that could be fixed. "Can you help me make it stop?"

"If I'm right, then I think I'll you need is time, Edward." I prayed that's all he would need. "Just give it time."

My treatment plan hadn't impressed him. He stood to leave, but I was around my desk and in front of him before he had a chance to escape me.

"Edward, look at me_." _

He did try, his eyes rose staring somewhere below my mouth. He was startled when I reached up and gripped his arms tightly.

_You're home with us, your safe, no one is going to hurt you, son. I promise you. We won't let anything happen to you. Ever. _I shook him a little as he started to shake his head no. "Son, we love you and we will always protect you. Always. When you finally accept this, the tremors will go away on they're own.

He tried to nod his head, but I could see my words had not had any impact on him; he remained unconvinced. I let him go before he started to struggle, sighing deeply as he ran from the room.

* * *

Hunting with my wife had always been an erotic experience. From the first days after her change when I realized the extent of my feelings for her; feelings I couldn't act upon, couldn't reveal even if my appalled son, knew only too well what I was thinking, aghast that such improper thoughts could reside in the mind he thought he knew so well. Then later, as we grew closer, Esme slowly revealed her own yearnings for me, shyly at first, our courtship as pristine and proper as any for the period. By the time we officially married and consummated our relationship, hunting became an extension of our sexual experience, the relinquishment of any form of human civility gone as we gave ourselves over to our desires, feasting off the blood of animals then turning to each other overcome with the primal passion, driven by our animalistic needs and wants.

Life as a doctor almost exclusively regulated to the nightshift, left little time to pursue these naughty forbidden couplings, so any time I was given a night off, I relished the private hunts with my wife, alone away from my family with only my mate at my side. But on this night, we had other things on our mind and after quickly feeding from a small herd of deer we raced back to the house, arriving promptly at 11:57 p.m., shocking our children who'd come to expect our absence for several hours beyond the general time it took us to feed.

If Edward gave any sign to our abrupt return, he made no mention of it, content to watch his brothers play G_uitar Hero_ that offered a challenge only if an all out wrestling match ensued during the course of the song. We were quickly approaching two months with Edward back in our lives and though some progress had been observed, I still was hesitant to declare any sort of small victory over the demons that possessed our son.

His eyes had returned to the deep rich ochre color of an animal fed vampire and with that change we were able to coerce him into meeting our gaze when we spoke to him.

He continued to avoid being alone with me like the plague, fearful that I might initiate him into a conversation about his time with the Volturi, something he still refused to discuss. I couldn't say I blamed him. Whenever I managed to get him alone I did try to instigate a conversation about his experiences, either in Mexico or with the Volturi, neither greeted with much success. I knew there was still more to tell, a lot more, but I couldn't seem to heed my wife's advice to just let it be for now and that nothing Edward had to say would affect how we felt about him. This was true of course, but rather than tell him that I would have preferred to show him; if only he would speak to me, trust me as he had in the past.

The consecutive hours I was able to spend with my wife were not wasted with our early return from the hunt. A houseful of vampires with enhanced hearing aside, we still had an enthusiastic romp in the bedroom. Edward departed to his private space as the rest of the mated couples in the house pursued extracurricular activities that didn't involve video games.

I carried hope with me as dawn broke, the deep purple sky gradually lightening to a lovely blue. All signs pointed to a quiet day, a day spent lounging with the family, my wife at my side, taking the day off from her duties renovating the mansion. We all remained hopeful, engaging in mundane uninspiring activities to distract our thoughts and as each minute ticked by our mood lightened just a little bit more.

But at 11:44:13 a.m., we heard it, heard him. The whimpers rising in volume as each second ticked onward. Esme was up and out the door heading for the carriage house when they still were barely audible. By the time she reached him he was sobbing in dry hiccupping sobs, by the time I reached them both he was screaming. It was June 15th. Exactly one year to the presumed minute of Bella's death and Edward hadn't forgotten.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**This is the last chapter from Carlisle's POV.**_


	18. Charade

_**DISCLAIMER: SM owns all Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended.**_

* * *

Carlisle and I were sitting alone in the family great room. The rest of the house was empty. Esme was working onsite at the Glensheen mansion and my siblings were enrolled in classes at the University of Minnesota-Duluth; the lack of sound in the house was starting to become oppressive. I raked my mind for something to say; a safe subject that wouldn't be misinterpreted as a crack in my carefully constructed and impenetrable defenses.

"I found your journal."

"My journal?" Carlisle looked up from his newspaper having no idea what I was talking about. That didn't surprise me. He hadn't broached the subject of my adventures away from the family for several days and my unprompted blurb had caught him off guard.

"The journal you kept in Volturi; I found it; I saw it in your memories." It suddenly occurred to me that Carlisle may not appreciate that I'd disturbed a record of his private thoughts; that I displaced the journal hidden in a place of great meaning to him. I felt the first gnawing of panic creep through my body and I hoped he would just let it drop; but when I glanced up at him, I saw to my dismay that he'd put the paper aside and was staring at me flabbergasted.

"My journal? You found it?"

The excitement in his voice was underscored by his thoughts; they were racing with the possibilities of my find. How I found it; why I choose to speak about it now and most alarming, was this the breakthrough that he was looking for.

I wanted to race out of the room, hide from him like I'd done so many times before so he couldn't make me talk about it, but I had opened this can of worms and I knew I had to give him something. Besides, was talking about his journal really so bad? He didn't look upset.

"I saw you hide it, a memory that out of context didn't seem important, but when I was there in the catacombs, all the memories you showed me from that time came back and that one stood out. You had something in your hand and I saw you hide it behind that corpse.

My voice was steady, not a hint of stuttering. The tremors had significantly subsided over the last several weeks just as Carlisle had suggested they would so his theory on the cause had merit. When I didn't feel threatened, I barely noticed them at all and they seldom manifested themselves in my speech anymore.

"It was rather silly really," Carlisle leaned back in his chair, a smile on his face. "We don't need to keep journals with our perfect memories as you know, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted my history documented. I was never sure I really believed in immortality back then, not when I was confronted with so much death at the hands of the Guard and well…I was lonely and bored."

He chuckled softly remembering, his thoughts revealing his sadness at his fate in life, his confusion over his future and his desire to be something more than what the Volturi offered. "I had some enemies in Volterra; I didn't want them to find it so I hid it in the one place only I ever went; amidst the bodies of the dead humans."

His brow furrowed in a frown. "What son?"

I'd stiffened in the chair, Carlisle's words resonating with me.

"Edward, what is it?" He was up and across the room before I had a chance escape him.

"Who…I…y…your enemies?" The tremors, they were back. I clenched my hands into fists.

Carlisle was squatting in front of me, trying to meet my gaze, but I steadfastly avoided his eyes.

"Edward, that was a long time ago and any enemies from that time were only manifested from the jealousies of living with the Volturi. It was a highly charged environment and we shared very close quarters.

"Afton," I said uncertainly, my eyes flickering up to his.

He looked surprised. "Yes Afton was one, how did you know?"

"I've s…seen your memories of C…Chelsea."

He sat back on his heels and surprised me by smiling. "Yes it's true, I had a boyish crush on Chelsea and to some degree she returned my affections, but that was before Afton. Once he joined the Volturi, it was only ever him and Chelsea, but he was always suspicious of me, always jealous. It was that type of pettiness that convinced me I needed to hide my journal. If it fell into the wrong hands it might be exploited by my enemies but it was nothing more than that."

He stood up, patting me on the shoulder reassuringly and sat back in his chair. "So tell me, son, did you read it?"

I was unprepared for the question, still contemplating that Carlisle had enemies in the Volturi, enemies even before he had come and stolen me from under the brothers' nose. I shook my head trying to refocus on the reason I brought up the subject of the journal in the first place. "I…I did. Well, the parts I could read. Most of the writing had faded away."

Carlisle nodded sadly. "I expected as much, but still it's exciting that you found it. How fascinating that you could use my memories, unprompted by me to find something I hid close to three hundred years ago. Tell me son, what else did I show you?"

I looked past him through the large floor to ceiling windows behind him. I opened this door, this avenue into my experiences with the Volturi; could I shut him off, refuse to talk about it as had been my custom over the course of the last few months. But this was safe wasn't it? Talking about his memories, what he showed me, what I experienced because of him; surely it was safe to talk about that? Apparently it was, because I found myself speaking to him, recounting his memories for him, my voice growing steadier with each recollection.

I told him of wandering the lower recesses of the castle, following his memories, retracing the steps of his explorations, revisiting old conversations, reexamining works of art and old books. He listened spellbound, amazed that I was able to pick up so much from memories that were not really conscious efforts to show me of his time in Volturi.

This conversation was safe. I wondered why I withheld this information for so long. Maybe it was for this very reason. So that when I finally did talk, Carlisle didn't push, he didn't ask for more details, more facts, _more _experiences. He was satisfied with these stories, these safe recollections of my time in Volturi and he felt comfortable that by talking about them freely, I was opening myself up to him in a way that I hadn't since my family brought me home.

After the initial startling reaction to Carlisle's words about enemies in the Volturi, I felt myself relaxing again, the tremors subsiding and gradually I recognized how my words were easing Carlisle's anxieties, something I'd been concerned about and hadn't held the answer to until now. I had found something I could do to help him and when I finally finished telling him about the ancient books that still existed, books from his time, I heard the familiar hum of Esme's car and noticed Carlisle's distracted look for the first time since I started speaking.

"Fascinating son, just fascinating," he said as I made the motion of rising from my seat in anticipation for Esme's arrival. "…and thank you for talking about it with me. I've missed our talks."

I was under no illusions that I completely satisfied Carlisle's concerns over my refusal to speak of my time away from him. I'd told him nothing of my betrayal of his values, the killings of the innocent humans and the murder of the vampire and it would only be a matter of time before he would expect me to divulge additional information, admitting transgressions that up until now I'd systematically avoided talking about.

With Esme home, Carlisle was diverted and I was able to slip away to my room. I knew I didn't have much time before Esme would seek me out; they had a few hours alone together before Carlisle left for his shift and then I would become her priority. It pained me that they felt they needed to tag team me, one or the other always with me, watching over me, worrying about me. It was better when the others were home. Then I could blend into the family, become part of the background and the focus would be redistributed. I knew Carlisle understood what I was doing; he was hard to fool, but he was also patient and as long as I showed some progress towards becoming something akin to the old Edward, he was pacified. And today I had almost given him the jackpot. He would be appeased, at least for a few weeks.

* * *

The space above the garage, designed and created just for me was some of Esme's finest work. It encompassed everything that use to be me. The books, the piano, my music, the finest stereo equipment and the privacy; everything that the old Edward would have savored and one treasure for the new Edward, the fireplace. It was smaller than the one in my room in Volterra, smaller than the one that hid the secret passageway, but not so small that I couldn't crawl in it. I hadn't tried yet, knowing I'd lose myself in the confines of the stone and mortar and I couldn't have that, not now. I had to appear like I was trying, like I belonged, if for no other reason than to silence their concerns.

I didn't need my solitude like I had with the Volturi. I enjoyed the company of my family, savored their scent, basked in their thoughts and hungered for their presence whenever we were apart. It was one of the biggest outward changes I observed in my behavior upon my return and I didn't try to hide it. I saw that it relieved them, alleviated some of their pain, squelched their fear that I had turned from them, didn't need their comfort and they were no longer relevant to me. In fact it was quite the opposite.

I desired nothing more than to submerge myself in the scents of my loved ones, hear their thoughts, finding it hard to let go of their minds even at the most inappropriate times. As difficult as it was to think of Bella, it was the only experience I had that could equate to what I felt for my family. It now was almost physically painful for me to be separated from them and the anxiety I felt during their absence made it difficult for me to focus on anything until they were all safely reunited under the same roof.

Still, the fireplace was a draw and I had to actively resist crawling inside and testing it out. So far I'd been successful. I no longer escaped to my space to avoid my family, but I did disappear into it to give them privacy or at least the illusion of privacy. It was what I was giving Carlisle and Esme for the few hours of time they had together. My siblings would be home soon, but they would drift off and engage in their own private moments and unlike my parents, their thoughts would not be preoccupied by me.

After wandering around the familiar confines of my room, touching traces of my former life, depressingly scant of physical reminders of Bella, my eyes were drawn to the corner of the room that served as a library and I was struck with an idea. It had been stupid of me to make the comment about the bed when I'd first been introduced to my room. I knew the moment the words left my mouth that I made a mistake and I quickly tried to cover up my disappointment that the bed in Forks had not been moved with the rest of my belongings.

I didn't need a bed, hadn't needed one for the ninety years before Bella came into my life and certainly not the year after she was gone. The bed itself had been a spontaneous purchase made in anticipation for our future together, but had also served in the more pressing capacity of an immediate place for Bella to sleep after I practically kidnapped her and sequestered her in my home. It was only after her death that I truly appreciated what the bed could offer me; the strappings of a human life I no longer had, a closeness to Bella who was no longer with me, the passivity of lying on my back in the embrace of cushions and pillows. No wonder humans like to reside in bed for so many hours of their lives.

But I couldn't say those things to Carlisle and Esme and when the lack of a bed was immediately evident. I could only offer a fumbling explanation for my concern over its absence. But now, alone in my room with Alice's insight to guide me, I pushed the chair and a lamp out of the way and laid down on the floor surrounded by the bright vivid colors of the changing leaves from the trees that hung over the alcove. Recalling the earth mother blob on the wall in my room back in Forks, I wondered what secrets lay on these walls and the ceiling and in the branches of the trees. I didn't need the piece of furniture to mimic the act of lying in a prone position and I savored the different perspective. The hidden treasures didn't immediately reveal themselves, but I could anticipate spending years in this room and had plenty of time to find them.

The jutting rocks protruding from the frigid waters of Lake Superior offered a perfect perch for me when I sought a respite from my family, namely Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle had always had a curious aversion to water, never embracing our vampire aptitude for it, from swimming endlessly without tiring to not needing air underwater. Esme avoided the rocky cliff bordering our home for an entirely different reason. She didn't speak of it to anyone, but in her thoughts I could see her memories, her human memories, faded and dreamlike, her last conscious moments of human life staring out over the turbulent churning waters of an entirely different lake, before she stepped out over the rocky shoreline, assuming it was her last thoughts as a living breathing human. And it was.

* * *

I felt only slightly guilty as I made my way along the rocks in the nonexistent light of the new moon, knowing that my movements were anything but human-like but unconcerned, no human could see me from the lake or the land. There were several ledges jutting from the sheer sandstone cliffs, allowing me plenty of places to curl up and hide, if hiding could be possible from a family full of vampires. They usually left me alone when I crawled along the wet boulders and spraying water, understanding that it was here, close to the house, still within the range of my family's thoughts that I came when I wanted to be alone, but not completely cut off from them. Occasionally Emmett might toss stones at me from somewhere above me or Alice would emerge from the watery depths, her giggles more gurgles as she tried to conceal her approach until she was almost upon me. But for the most part, they left me alone.

The winds were particularly strong and the water crashed against the rocks with endless fury until I was completely drenched. But I didn't have the aversion to water that Carlisle did and I adeptly leapt from one stone to another moving along the base of the cliffs until I was right below our neighbor's home. I wasn't consciously drawn to them. The wind and the water masked any fresh human scent and I could not read their dreamless thoughts; still I lingered, listening to the sounds of deep breathing and slow heartbeats, stronger than they had any right to be given the age of their bodies.

They were an older, married couple, senior citizens clinging to the last remnants of their life, huddled in the confines of their gigantic house, waiting for time to steal them away, the only conclusion of their life's journey that was still in doubt; which one would die first. I wasn't sure why their human life fascinated me so. They never left their house other than the infrequent putterings around the yard and to the mailbox at the end of a long drive; but I was often drawn to their quiet conversations, thoughtful silent contemplations and chaste feelings of love.

I was embarrassed by my fascination with them, couldn't fathom why I lingered in their minds at all, but I felt an odd melancholy when listening to their mundane human existence. Is this what Bella and I would have had if I wasn't vampire? Would we have lived our lives together, aged and died without regrets, perhaps not cherishing every day, every hour and every minute together, but comforted by the likelihood that we would have each other for as long as we both would live. I tried not to dwell on it too much. The only human I'd ever been interested in was dead and I was disturbed by yet another change in my personality that had no obvious connection to Mexico or Volterra.

I climbed up the cliff beneath the house and ran along the perimeter of our property eventually reaching the road. Carlisle would be home soon, relieving Esme of her babysitting duties. They would spend some time together, time I respectfully did not want to disturb and the only way to avoid that was to make sure I was nowhere near home when he arrived.

_Edward, where are you going?_

Alice. She saw my decision. I didn't answer, there was no need, it was a rhetorical question.

I contemplated running Northeast along the shores of the lake, but given the time of the morning, there would be a fair amount of traffic along Highway 61, a rush hour of sorts that would produce more and more cars on the narrow stretch of highway leading into Duluth. I decided I would run straight north. I did not need to hunt, but the wide expanses of uninhabited woods would give me a chance to stretch my legs and clear my mind until I returned home to Carlisle's endless gentle probing.

_Shit…shit…shit…shit._

I froze. I had just been preparing to bolt across the highway when I heard it. The silent cursing of a human. I cocked my head and sniffed the air, the scent of human evaded me but then I heard a cry and an attempt to muffle the sounds. She was close, very close.

The wind shifted, blowing out across the lake. A storm was coming. Not relevant to the current situation other than the shift in the wind allowed me to catch my first whiff of her. A trickle of venom filled my mouth. I swallowed it and felt the burn. I'd been exposed to plenty of human scents since my return, Carlisle made sure of that. The older couple next door, the humans in their cars as they whizzed along the highway, the random group of college students hiking their way along the Gunflint Trail. But this was the first time I was stationary, standing only miles from my home, the human only yards away from me now. I had moved closer.

What was she doing out here? The hour was barely past four a.m. The hum of traffic hadn't even started yet; there was no one else around, no other people, no other…

_Edward._

Alice again.

The shame burned through me. I saw her thoughts, caught a glimpse of the vision; me advancing on the human. She knew, she saw; saw in her own way what I was thinking, what I was planning on doing. She saw the monster buried within me. No matter how I tried to hide it, she knew I was drawn to the human's scent. I wasn't truly in control. She would tell Carlisle and he, Esme and they would all know my secrets, my lies.

My phone was ringing. Not loud enough for the human to hear even though it sounded deafening to me. It was Alice. Soon they would come; Jasper and Emmett would silently burst through the trees and tackle me, stopping me from taking an innocent human life. My fingers closed around the ringing phone, but shame stopped me from answering it.

_Edward, you won't hurt her. _

I scoffed to myself. What did Alice know? I checked her mind again. The vision hadn't proceeded beyond me standing behind the women, but hardly corroboration that I didn't intend on harming her. She hadn't seen me just a few months before, snuffing out the life of innocent humans to feed the beast, she couldn't know.

_You will help her Edward._

Help her? I wanted to run. Run away from Alice, our house the human that I could see now, standing on the side of the road, looking at the askew nature of her car tilting awkwardly in the middle of the road, hung up on something.

As in Alice's vision, she had her back to me, her long brown hair whipping in the wind, her hands around her body, trying to protect herself against the cold and she wasn't alone. I could hear the distinct, tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump of a second human. The thoughts of that one still in the car were nonexistent. The human was sleeping, but the girl, the women was frantically considering her options and none of them appeared promising.

Alice said I wouldn't hurt her, but would I hurt the other one. Again the urge to run was strong. But then she turned and her mouth widened in a little _O_. She saw me and through her eyes, I understood the intensity of her fear. I looked wild, wet and disheveled. I'd just been crawling along the rocks of the lake, after all.

"Hi," I said, waving my hand. "You didn't happen to see a dog around here did you?"

Her eyes widened. I didn't have to see her thoughts to understand. How many killers had used that line before?

"No…no…" she whispered, backing up until she bumped into her car door, her hands fumbling with the door handle. The pungent odor of her fear started the venom flowing again. It was an instinctual response, just like the burn in my throat. Predators drew strength from their prey's fear.

_He's lying._

I cautiously emerged from the trees and onto the road. "I know it looks bad, but seriously, we lost our dog. A lab…a yellow lab. Her name is D…Darma."

She looked unconvinced. I didn't blame her. The only experience I had with dogs was feeding on some strays years ago. We didn't kill dogs anymore. Humans were too attached to the stinky beasts and mourned them like children. "My name is Edward Cullen, my family just moved in down the road; the old Johnson mansion."

She sucked in a tentative breath. She knew of the mansion that I spoke of. I saw her memory of an old man and a similarly featured women, father and daughter. She was picturing the Johnson's.

"I'm Jenna…Jenna Lambert. I live…" She had raised her hand to point, but then let it fall to her side.

She was thinking how it wasn't wise to tell a stranger where she lived, but I knew the house she referred to. A decrepit little rambler set back in the woods well off the lake.

"Do you need help…Jenna." My lips could hardly form the words to speak to her. It had been over a year since I talked to a human, other than those that served the Volturi. I was out of practice. I blinked, cleared my throat and swallowed, all human traits to convey uneasiness, embarrassment, shyness, or any number of other emotions and tics; all better than that absolute stillness of a vampire.

"The wind blew a tree down. I didn't see it. The branch on the road…I'm hung up on it. I'm going to have to call a tow truck."

It sounded like a good sound plan, one that wouldn't involve me. But I was startled to hear a broken sob before she covered her mouth with her hand.

_I have no money for this. How much is this going to cost? What am I going to do? _

Ahhh. I understood. She was pretty, I decided. She looked like Bella. When I gasped at the train of my thoughts she looked at me peculiarly.

"You…you remind me of someone," I glanced in the back seat of her car and saw a young toddler asleep on the seat.

A sharp hiss escaped her lips. A warning. She was protecting her son from me, this odd looking stranger. She had no idea how dangerous I truly was.

Diverting my eyes from the boy, I bent down to look at the tree limb sticking out from under the car.

"I don't think you are too hung up on it. I think I can push you off."

I turned to meet her eyes, her golden brown eyes, familiar eyes, but no not familiar. In those eyes I saw fear and Bella was never afraid of me.

"Why don't you get in your car and when I tell you to, step on the gas."

She nodded eagerly, seeing the logic, not in freeing herself from the tree, but escaping from me to the safety of the car. Quickly she slid into the driver's seat.

_Why don't I have a cell phone? I need a cell phone. And who would I call?_

I saw her loneliness, her feelings of isolation; she had no one; no one to help her, no one to miss her, her or that boy. I was startled by the sound of locking of the car doors. She was peering at me through the glass, she understood what I was. I turned my head away in shame and slid my hands along the side of the car, creating the illusion that I was looking for a place to grip.

"Start the car." I saw her eyes through her side mirror. She was terrified but she did as she was told. What choice did she have?

I was behind the car now. I would free her from the tree and send her on her way. Alice was right. I wouldn't hurt her, not again. _Not again_?

"Give it a little gas," the engine revved. It didn't matter, but I had to create the illusion that it did. "Not so much." She eased up on the gas pedal and tapped it and as she did I lifted the car, ever so slightly and pushed it forward making sure that the tires appeared to get hung up on the tree branch before finally, with a lurch, clearing it and finding the security of the pavement.

I gave her the thumbs up seeing her depthless brown eyes staring back at me through the rear view mirror. I refrained from smiling, realizing that my grin would look more like a grimace or worse, an animal bearing its teeth.

I thought it appropriate that I should try to speak with her one last time before she sped away and she appeared, however reluctantly, willing to allow this courtesy. A deadly mistake if I'd been a human killer. As a vampire, if she were my prey, nothing she did could save her and perhaps she understood that, for even as her eyes still betrayed her mistrust, they seemed resigned to accepting whatever fate, awaited her. The venom pooled in my mouth again. The surrender of prey was appealing in its own right.

_Edward?_

My head snapped around at the sound of my name. I tried to ignore the approaching hum of the powerful Mercedes engine, familiar as the voice that called my name. The headlights were still a mile away, but it was too late to run. Not only would I arouse the suspicions of the human, whose eyes followed me now through the side view mirror, but Carlisle had already spotted me. She wouldn't know that, however remotely it had been, her life was no longer in jeopardy from me, not with his approach.

I waited until the black car pulled up alongside of us. The women, Jenna had rolled down her window, taking solace from the second vehicle, a witness to her life and her potential death.

And so the charade began for the human's sake.

"Is there a problem here, do you need help?" He was speaking to me for the benefit of her

"No Carlisle, it's been taken care of. It seems the strong winds last night blew down a tree. Hard to see out here with no lights. She was hung up on a tree branch."

"Jenna, this is my father…my adoptive father, Dr. Cullen. " I leaned back so Carlisle was looking directly at the startled women behind the wheel. She was noting the resemblance, our paleness, the color of our eyes, and yes, our startling ethereal beauty.

He nodded and smiled without teeth, and she in turn smiled back. "Your son has been very helpful. I'm lucky he was out here…looking for his dog."

Carlisle's face didn't even twitch, but his thoughts revealed his amusement at the rather lame excuse for my presence on the side of the road in the hours just before dawn.

"I'm glad he was able to help. You live just up the road, don't you?"

She nodded reluctantly. I'm sorry to be rude but I'm late for work." I saw a small quant café in her thoughts. She was taking her son to her mother's. "I hope you find your dog."

As she drove away, I stood with my hands on my hips watching the taillights fade, seeing myself through her eyes as she watched me disappear behind the curve of the road. Reluctantly I looked at Carlisle who was eyeing me curiously.

"What was that about?" he said when I didn't offer him an explanation.

I didn't answer. He would know that what I'd just done was highly out of character for me and would want to discuss it further. Instead I shrugged my shoulders and hopped in his car. The ride home was a few short miles, but I didn't want to run across any more humans in distress.

* * *

Esme's wistful longings to hear me play the piano again were in her thoughts only infrequently now. I had not indulged her once since they brought me home. I could no longer pretend to be that dutiful son, quick to act on whatever whims of my family that would make them think I was on the road to recovery. It was an abrupt departure from my attitude right after Bella's death when I did everything in my power to convince them I was _fine_. But that was before I ran away, before I deceived them, before I betrayed Carlisle and murdered both humans and a vampire. Now when I even attempted to participate in a conversation or nodded in agreement when one of my siblings suggested I join them in a game, I saw the doubts of the others, the suspicions I was faking it, which in truth I was. But it pained me that I could no longer hoodwink them into believing I was something more than this shell I'd become. I was no longer to be trusted and I provided them plenty of proof of that.

So I rebelled against the silent wishes of my family and refused to concede to their desires that I show progress towards their perception of what a recovery should look like. I refused to smile when I heard the silent plea to see me smile again and couldn't laugh when the rest of the family was in dryless tears with laughter from Emmett's latest escapade. I was indifferent to the world around me and couldn't take the time to pretend I cared when the latest human catastrophe was played and replayed on the national news. How ironic that I thought to punish my family's lack of trust by refusing do anything that might make them believe I was healing.

But the pain of doing nothing to ease their suffering, suffering I was responsible for became too much and eventually I did return to my deceitful ways. There were some things I couldn't hide particularly not the tremors which continued to plague me, though nowhere near the intensity from months earlier. I was able to identify triggers that might set the violent spasms into motion and avoided or hid from my family whenever I felt an episode coming on. The act of distancing myself from my family in itself could send me into a panic particularly if I couldn't rejoin them at my whim usually only an issue when they were engaged in more intimate acts and wouldn't appreciate a third party in the room. I reacted strongly to any perceived threats or signs of danger that might put a family member in jeopardy and became alarmed when Esme was late in returning home or Alice was gone a little too long shopping alone without the accompaniment of a shopped out family member. These reactions were difficult to hide and hadn't gone unnoticed by Carlisle who understood that my overreaction and subsequent violent shuddering was a symptom of all that ailed me.

It frustrated him more than any of the rest, his inability to help me cope. He was a doctor after all, helping others was what he did, but he couldn't help me and truth be told, I seldom gave him the chance. It was too humiliating to admit my failures to him. I could hardly look him in the eye now and he had none of the specifics of all my transgressions. My shame was so great that I feared a time when I could no longer stand to be around him which meant that as the pillar of the family; I wouldn't be able to be around any of them. Then what would I do? I wasn't so delusional as to think that he would cast me from his home. He knew that I murdered humans, he had to suspect that I served the brothers in some capacity and carried out their immoral requests and then there was Mexico. The very idea that by deciding to run to Mexico, I had put them all in jeopardy, threatened all their lives, not with death but something much worse; existing for all time as part of Cameron's macabre collection.

I tried to become more calculating, more clever, less obvious and it started with Esme's desire to have me play for her. I deduced that it had been over a week since she even thought about me playing the piano and perhaps longer that she imagined me composing again. I could no longer trust my memories, could no longer rely on my internal vampire timepiece to accurately keep seconds, minutes, hours and even days. I lost time more often than I liked to admit, but I was reasonably sure that Esme had not thought once about it in the last few days.

It was early evening. Carlisle had a meeting at the hospital and had left early for his shift. The rest of my siblings were hunting. Esme was thinking of nothing in particular, certainly not of me which was unusual as she planted bulbs in the soil around the gazebo humming softly to herself. She worked in human speed, unbearably slow and would no doubt spend the next several hours working on the garden. What a perfect time to play for her.

I'd been staring at my piano since Carlisle left, undecided if I should even introduce this part of me back into the family again. It was completely contrived, my desire to play, certainly nothing I showed any interest in since after Bella's death other than as a distraction, first from the horrors in Mexico when I played on my imaginary piano and later in Volterra when I played for the brothers' wives. This time I would play for Esme and I would fulfill her wish; a new composition; something simple that I'd written and played in my mind during the week after watching Michael burn. The composition was done, but for Esme, it would be a new beginning.

I was the great pretender in all things, except how to imitate the act of writing a new composition. As my fingers trailed over the keys of my new piano in a few practice runs, I heard the internal gasp from Esme. She was listening. And so slowly, very slowly, recalling other compositions I'd written, the struggles to find the right notes and the replaying of the basic melody over and over, attempting to get it just write, I pretended to compose a song I'd already written.

The overall composition was three minutes in length. I managed to stretch the entire act of composing it into just under an hour. By the time I played it from beginning to end with no breaks and no attempts to rearrange the cords yet again, having already had them assembled exactly the way I wanted before I even started this charade, I was aware that Esme had moved from the small garden near the lake to a branch of a large oak tree between the house and my room. She was watching me through the window and there was no suspicion in her thoughts. In fact, I could only hear the tranquility of her mind, completely at peace and filled with relief. It had worked. She did not suspect I was reacting to days old wishes in her mind. She thought I played spontaneously, an original composition, a mark of my progress. I gave her true happiness without any lingering doubts of my sincerity and pushing aside a small little pulse of guilt that threatened to spoil the moment for me, I bowed my head over the piano keys and smiled.

My more elaborate attempts to mislead my family were not always so readily accepted. Carlisle for one was having none of it. When Esme conveyed to him my renewed interest in playing and composing Carlisle nodded encouragingly, suggesting it was a sign of my recovery, but secretly he was skeptical of my sudden artistic inspirations and I did not attempt to persuade him with further dalliances at the piano.

Alice was too eager to have me back to be overtly suspicious when I agreed to let her buy me some more appropriate winter clothing and was delighted when I spent the better part of an afternoon in Duluth with her, subjecting myself to endless rounds of trying on clothing, parading in front of her for her approval, then removing the offending garments to try on something else. In the end, eight hours of shopping netted me dozens of outfits and Alice's delight that I was back to being her brooding brother again, the pre-Bella brother that though caustic and gloomy was much preferably to the tortured damaged one that had ignored her company for over a year.

My brothers were as easy as Alice, though their needs were harder to meet. They wanted a companion, someone to roughhouse with, a younger brother they could pick on and torment, but they were cautious and concerned about my mental stability. My tremors worried them, especially when the shudders became more noticeable during a particularly aggressive session of teasing. I tried to open myself up to their assaults, tried to appear the happy victim of their endless banter and absurd bullying, but they were afraid, not wanting to be responsible for the slipup that would send me spiraling back into my brooding melancholy. Carlisle watched my reaction to my brother's antics curiously, but as was usually the case when he was cognizant of my scrutiny, he slipped into his medical terms before I could read if he had any doubts.

Besides Carlisle, only Rosalie remained watchful and suspicious of any behavior that appeared normal. Perhaps it was because she more than anyone understood the depth of my grief and the extent of my flawed character. She was not inclined to accept that I had emerged from my experiences of murder and servitude, largely unscathed. She understood the wretchedness of my soul and was suspicious of my attempts to conform. I did not try to convince her otherwise, understanding that unlike Carlisle, she knew how traitorous I could be, how selfish, how evil. But she also had one thing Carlisle didn't have and that was an endless amount of indifference towards me, which left her and I blissfully at a stalemate and consequently all my defenses could be directed at Carlisle.

He usually tried to corner me when Esme was out of the house understanding that the moment I found her arms she would protect me from his verbal and not so verbal inquiries into my well being and the persistent need to talk about those things which remained unmentionable. He broached me on these taboo subjects with the utmost concern, this I could clearly see in his thoughts, but if anything, that made it worse. My inability, my outright refusal to answer any of his questions, added to my guilt and made it difficult for me to deny that I truly was abhorrent and was a burden to all those that loved me.

He was becoming more aggressive now, he seldom let things drop, not spurned by my silence and even the increased intensity of my tremors did not distract him from his line of questioning. I would have preferred to be interrogated to the point of death rather than suffer through Carlisle's tender inquiries about my time spent away from him, particularly with the Volturi. The revelation about his journal had satisfied his curiosity but only for a week or two and then he wanted more. I suspected with each new piece of information, it would only feed his desire to learn more and more, so I backpedaled on his notion of progress and refused to open my mouth to answer even the most basic of questions.

Finally, disheartened by our strained relationship, Esme intervened and as usual, she was completely reasonable and entirely without malicious intentions.

"Edward, sweetheart, you must understand what motivates your father. By shutting him out you are denying him the chance to help you." She was stroking my hair in the manner I found comforting and I marveled again at the difference in sentiment I felt when it was her fingers verses Mary whose similar displays of affection had repulsed me.

"He...he can't help me, no one can help me," I whispered surprising myself with my honesty.

"Oh sweetie, please, I wish I could convince you otherwise." She sighed and to my dismay stopped her pettings. "Understand that he loves you always and forever and nothing you could say to him could ever turn him against you, nothing."

"I'm not worried about that." But I was, I was worried, not that I would be asked to leave, but that he would look at me differently, that I would feel his disappointment and hear his silent wishes that he'd never changed me in the first place.

"Then what son, what is it that you are so afraid of?" Esme resumed her caresses of my hair and I snuggled into her, wishing I had a human's ability to sleep.

I didn't answer. Everything I said was a lie and my irrational fears were hardly something I could share with Esme.

But I did heed some of Esme's words. Carlisle's need to help me; it was second nature to him, helping the weak and sick was what he did. So the next time he asked me, rather dispiritedly when he thought my tremors were the least troublesome, I answered honestly; when I played the piano and when I wrote. He already knew about the piano. I couldn't very well compose music with my hands jerking and spasming uncontrollably, but the comment about writing had caught him off guard.

"When you write, son?"

I nodded. It was mid morning; the next few hours would be just him and I. It was always dangerous one on one and Carlisle never missed the chance to try and talk with me during our time alone. "My penmanship isn't affected by the tremors. I never thought about it, but I guess that means I don't shake at all when I write."

He nodded thoughtfully, appeased and I sighed with relief. That simple admission saved me from any additional inquires for the day.

But the following afternoon, he tracked me down in my room and before I could jump from a window that was conveniently hinged on one side; he was thrusting a leather bound book in my hand.

"Here son, I got you something,"

I studied the distressed leather cover of the book feeling the first inkling of trepidation. "Wh…what is it."

"It's a journal." He was looking at me expectantly.

"Who's journal?"

"If you choose to write in it, it would be yours."

Despite the withered look of the exterior cover, the book was new; the pages crisp and unblemished, completely blank of words. I felt a tightening in my abdomen. The book began to shake in my hand.

"Edward what is it?" Carlisle was immediately reaching for me but I avoided his grasp and pressed against a far wall, unable to validate my reaction but understanding that I was missing something, something important.

"I'm…f…fine." I concentrated, trying to quell the ridiculous trembling in my limbs. I was doing nothing to alleviate Carlisle's concerns over my mental health. What was wrong with me, it was just a book.

"Son, you said writing helped you stop the tremors, but you don't have to write in it, it was just an idea."

I pitied Carlisle. He was trying to help me but everything he did if not deliberately sabotaged by me was met with disaster through my absurd overreactions. It was a book, a journal; it didn't even look like Marcus'. Why did it upset me so? Or was I missing the point. Did this journal signal some departure from my relationship with my family? Was I to fill this book with my secrets and leave it behind for Carlisle to read? I searched his mind but found no clue as to his reasons behind the unexpected gift.

"Thank you," I offered the most logical response.

He nodded but I could see I'd created a new conundrum. He was agitated by my reaction. I needed to find a reasonable explanation for my behavior, one that didn't allude to my silent irrational fears.

"Will you want to read it?" My fear of being found out apparently was a rational fear.

He looked surprised, than thoughtful. "To be honest, I hadn't thought about that. I remember during my time in Volturi I found great comfort in recording my thoughts, even understanding the risks of it being discovered. I guess I assumed you might find similar comfort in recording yours, but Edward…" he covered the space between us until he stood directly in front of me, closer than what I normally was comfortable with. "…I would never read it without your permission and I will make sure that goes for the entire family."

I met his gaze and slowly nodded, but his acknowledgement didn't reduce the tremors. Something was bothering me about this journal, but I couldn't put my finger on the source of my anxiety and until I did, I wouldn't write a word in it, not a single word.

* * *

As with Esme and the piano, Carlisle's secret passion for me was school and continuing my education. Silly really, given that I had two medical degrees, had graduated from high school dozens of times and had several bachelor and master's degrees. My siblings had forgone high school this time using the school records from Forks to gain admittance into college. I was not enrolled, wouldn't have been capable of attending if I had been enrolled, but now I could see Carlisle's desire that I try to conform to a human life again and I could start that by attending a few classes.

It was easy to resist such thoughts through the summer. My mental condition, the tremors, my inability to function beyond the arms of Esme's embrace didn't require any more proof, but as summer progressed to fall and fall to winter, Carlisle's thoughts had turned in that direction. I ignored them, as I had with Esme's desire to hear me play, refusing to even acknowledge the possibility, but when thoughts of taking classes failed to materialize in Carlisle's thoughts for several days in a row, I thought it the perfect time to do the unexpected and pursue it.

With Alice's help, I arranged to meet with a school counselor and take a tour of the campus. I knew Carlisle had some inroads for admission in the middle of a school year so I wasn't concerned about getting accepted. The school offered a respectable music program which was less prestigious than a medical degree, but perhaps a more likely choice given my recent past and I suspected any interest in school regardless of the subject would be welcomed by Carlisle.

Carlisle and Esme were delighted when they heard of my pursuits though I sensed their suspicions and tried not to appear too enthusiastic or over eager. I even went so far as to express my concern over my tremors and was told by Carlisle that I could use any number of human abnormalities to explain them to school officials assuming they would even noticed by human eyes.

I returned home from my campus visit in good spirits, proud of my control around so many humans and my ability to appear human myself without much practice. It was a gorgeous November afternoon and I heard my family's chatter behind the house. The breeze was blowing hard from the lake and clouds were gathering to the North, but for now my family was enjoying the beautiful weather.

It was obvious that Alice had clothed the family for this afternoon outing. Everyone was dressed in bright white from the hats on their heads to the shoes on their feet. It reminded me of a time when Alice had taken to dressing us up in the fashions straight from a magazine spread, with all the trappings staged in the pictures including human food, creating the allusion of a picnic. The food went to waste and was tossed, but the sentiment was there. Fortunately that phase in Alice's fashion career had passed and we were no longer subject to make believe human pastimes of picnics, barbeques, clam bakes all dressed in our finest Ralph Lauren casual wear.

I stood hidden in the shadows of the house. In my hands I held the proof of my attempts to enroll though not necessarily the evidence of my desire to go and literature from a school was something I'd use in the past, but it was important to at least present the documentation to further the charade. But standing there listening to the sounds of my family's joy in the company of each other, laughing in delight when Alice amused them with a charming story, giggling as Emmett and Jasper engaged in an impromptu arm wrestling match, hearing the thoughts of love that passed between each of them, I was filled with a sadness so deep, so penetrating, all thoughts of sharing my news of enrolling in classes was drowned out by it.

Bella and I should have been part of that group out on the back patio, enjoying the companionship of the others, while taking solace in knowing we would always be together, always have each other. What I could feel between my family members, I should have been feeling with Bella right now, right at this very moment. Briefly I imagined myself walking towards my family, pretending Bella was on my arm Could I manage it. Could I pull it off? Had all my attempts at recovery brought me back to the one place that I couldn't escape from, my imaginary Bella to keep me company. From sadness to anger, I felt it in an instant. It wasn't fair. Bella was gone, gone forever, and no amount of yearning could bring her back. The only thing I had was her memories and I could remember her perfectly, the benefit and curse of a vampire mind. I could remember everything about her, so in theory, I could recreate her in my mind to the last detail. The only thing I couldn't recreate was new memories, but I could be satisfied with that, with the time we had, with the memories I had.

And that led me to thoughs of Marcus and his endless memories of Didyme. Marcus had been mated with her for over one thousand years. His memories were endless and bountiful and he thrived in those remembrances, existed despite her loss and was allowed that passive existence by those closest to him. Why wasn't I given that luxury? Even in the brief time I had to mourn Bella after her death they were always pestering me, insisting that I move on. Months? What was months when I had eternity? Surely I should be allowed to grieve her for longer than mere months.

But as much as I wanted to blame my family for separating me from my Bella memories, I couldn't. I understood their need to encourage me forward. They knew me only too well, my ability to wallow in hopelessness and they were fearful I would slip away. No I couldn't blame them. They loved me. I had no allusions that Aro and Caius held the same such affections for Marcus. He was a tool to them; just another means to manipulate and control the guard. His value was more by reputation and Volturi lore than what he actually did as part of the trio. They could afford to let him lose himself in those memories as long as he presented himself occasionally to visitors and the condemned and utilized his gift when requested.

The delighted laughter of Esme drew my attention. Her head was thrown back, her eyes filled with love and happiness as she watched Emmett in some weird form of shadow boxing that elicited a chorus of chuckles from the rest of the family and an eye roll and smirk from Rosalie. My family, three perfectly matched pairs, an enigma that had haunted me for decades and as I watched them enjoying this beautiful afternoon, I felt the profoundness of the moment.

At first just it was just a sensation, an inkling, an understanding that there was truth in this picture I saw before me, that the answers to the questions I didn't know to ask were right in front of me, taunting me. I watched Carlisle slide his hand along Esme's arm, saw her turn to him and smile shyly, even after all of this time, the moments they shared were like special treasures to be remembered and cherished. I saw as Alice climbed into Jasper's lap, flourishing in his tender embrace and his wonderment over his luck at having found her, his thoughts briefly touching on his horror of his past, something I could completely relate too. Emmett continued his goofy antics and Rosalie appeared annoyed with it, but her thoughts were of something else entirely. She adored the big goof of a husband, her mate, treasuring his ability to entertain and unite her family around her and Emmett delighted in amusing her, understanding that he was the bridge that connected her to them.

Then oddly, I considered Marcus and Didyme, recognizing that even after her death they could have a life of sorts, could share and love much as the couples did before me. I found comfort in this thought, but it wasn't what troubled me, wasn't what perplexed me about the scene before me; no that revelation was only just being revealed to me as I drifted from one mind to the other, watching the doting love clearly on display between my family members. There were no thoughts of me; they hadn't absorbed my presence, my smell hidden by the strong West blowing winds, the sounds of my approach masked by the crashing of waves against the rocks. It was a rare opportunity to delve in the minds of my family without their conscious attempts to block or edit their thoughts only to learn that during my absence they weren't thinking about me at all.

When the epiphany came it was as if I'd been hit by the force of a hundred vampires all charging me at once. I was overcome with the knowledge that had evaded me from the moment of my change. Countless talks with Carlisle and thousands of hours of solitary reflection had not brought me this truth that I was suddenly confronted with. The momentous force of this moment gripped me like a vise expelling all the air from my lungs and I gasped finally drawing the attention of my family.

_Edward? _

My name was suddenly in everyone thoughts, but I was running before they had a chance to really absorb my presence. I ran as fast as I could dropping the literature from the college as I ran. It was still daylight; cars whizzed back and forth on the highway, but I was too fast for anyone to see and I took no notice of them or the assortment of human scents that filled my nostrils as I sprinted away. My mind was blank, I thought of nothing, I only needed to get way, assimilate what I learned and I couldn't risk being confronted by my family now. I needed to understand, to process and to accept, most of all to accept.

I only stopped running when the sky darkened and twilight approached. I was well into Canada now, far enough away that I could expect to be left alone. They would be understandably worried, Alice's visions would be unremarkable, but my sudden departure would be troubling for them. I would make it right soon enough, for now I needed my space. I needed to grieve in solitude, accept my loss and recognize the cataclysmic change that would be part of my life for all time.

When the sobs came, I didn't try to stop them. There was no one to hear me here alone in the middle of the vast wilderness of south central Canada; the dry heaving rasps that echoed through trees would go unnoticed. They were wails more than sobs, almost painful in their intensity, I gasped for air I didn't need, sunk to my knees holding my ribs as they constricted with each breath, clenching my abused hair, pulling at it, the agony of my loss culminating in this moment. I cursed the God I didn't believe in, Carlisle for his ignorance when he created me, myself for my obliviousness to my true purpose and Aro for inadvertently showing me the truth. The despondency I felt was insufferable, when for the first time I recognized what I was foreordained to do from the beginning and it had little to do with discarding my own goals and dreams. For a change, it wasn't about me and my selfish behavior.

The need to escape from the anguish that burned through me was overpowering and I found myself reverting to a habitual idiosyncrasy from my newborn days. The soil beneath my body was rich and fertile and was easily displaced, but even if it had been solid granite, my desire to disappear beneath it was all consuming. I began clawing at the ground, throwing rocks and roots aside, my hands moving the earth in a rapid succession of frantic pawings. If I had better tools I would have disappeared in a blink of an eye, but with only my hands to aid me it took several seconds for a depression big enough to accommodate my body formed in the soil. I continued digging, making little effort to push the fruits of my labor aside and as the hole deepened, I buried myself with the dirt I just removed. Eventually my entire body was covered, but I didn't stop. I burrowed further, surrounding myself in the earthy loam, feeling the temperature around me drop as I disappeared further underground.

Eventually I stopped, if only to clear my face and mouth of the grime that had accumulated there. With the weight of tons of earth covering my body, I curled myself up in a fetal position, burying my face in my knees and tried to forget what brought me here in the first place. I concentrated on the sounds around me and ironically there was none. No internal thoughts of humans or vampires, no external noise of modern society, not even the blowing of wind or rustling of leaves or crashing of waves or the call of birds or the noise of animals invaded my mind. Even the inner workings of my body were soundless; no heartbeat, no breathing, nothing that would point to a living breathing creature, of which I was not, but still I existed. This oxymoron alone would have had me in a quandary, analyzing the point of a vampire's existence in God's plan, but in my currently state, I barely gave it a thought.

Yet my soundless world was not comforting and as with all respites, I could not ignore the torment of my loss for long and eventually my dirt filled tomb became claustrophobic and inhibiting. And so I reversed my direction and crawled through the mud and the dirt until I broke the surface of the terrain once more.

I remained half buried, unable to gather the will to pull myself out completely and thus admit that I could not disappear from life. Even if I were to lie here in this shallow grave, I would remain alive for all time, the memories of the bodiless heads convinced me of that. We could not die of our own hand, and so there was no point in a passive suicide attempt. Besides, they would come, eventually they would come and take me back and I did not need them to see me in this current pathetic condition. The time for that self pitying nonsense was over.

And so I lay waiting for the breaking dawn and only then did I pull myself completely free of the mother earth, shaking myself like a wet dog and wiping at what remained of my clothes as if I could clean myself of the evidence of a night spent underground. I looked around me with new awareness, my eyes seeing my surrounding from a new perspective. I'd been reborn during the course of the night, through the agony of my sobs and torturous understanding of what I was; reborn as surely as I had been when Carlisle bit me and I'd awakened from a three day burn. The world around me was differently somehow. My senses weren't enhanced, I had no new physical abilities or gifts, yet I felt powerful beyond words.

I was filled with a new purpose a new appreciation for what I was and perceiving my true destiny for the first time released me from the burden of justifying my existence to myself. I mourned my former life, but for the first time that I could remember, I felt at peace.

The clouds threatening to bring a torrential downpour were moving to the east and the sun was just starting to poke through the trees. It was a new day, a new life and I felt calmed by the certainty of my future so much so that for the first time in several months and without the benefit of a piano or a pen my body was free of twitching, the tremors had stopped.

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_**Don't worry, you aren't suppose to understand what just happened. But I'll give you a hint at the end of these author notes and it might be a big enough hint to help you figure it out, so don't read it if you don't want to know. There is one more chapter coming and the epilogue.**_

_**A couple of things…**_

_**If you are wondering about Edward's reference to his newborn days and his comments about burrowing underground, no that never happened in SM's version, but I've considered writing a prequel to this story and there is a significant event that Edward experiences as a newborn that shaped his behavior and would explain why he is such a tormented soul. In fact, I made a very vague reference to this in the second chapter when Carlisle kept him from digging underground to escape him.**_

_**Now for the hint…..Edward's epiphany has to do with the title of this story. Nuff said.**_


	19. On Guard

**_DISCLAIMER: SM owns Twilight characters and settings. No copyright infringement intended._**

**_Just because Edward says its true, doesn't make it so._**

* * *

They found me on my favorite perch, a large boulder several feet off the shoreline right below our house. I had done my best to wash off my soiled clothing, but little could be done to effectively hide that I was without a coat and missing a sleeve on my shirt or the large tear along the seam of my jeans. My shoes were gone, I couldn't fathom when they went missing and it hadn't occurred to me to change my clothes when I returned home to find it empty. Presumably they'd been out searching for me and they might have been calling to me for some time but until I felt Carlisle's hands on me, I hadn't acknowledged them. I was too deep in thought, formulating a plan and analyzing my surroundings and the welcomed time alone gave me a chance to come to grips with my new role.

The thousand feet of lakeshore afforded us much in the way of privacy, but it would be the weakest link in fortifying and securing the house. Approaching vampires could not be detected underwater and with no need to surface for air, they could travel many miles beneath the surface of the giant lake without ever revealing their location through scent or sound. They could conceivably remain undetectable until they were within a mere three hundred feet from the actual house. A sprint from the shoreline, up the cliff and across the yard would take seconds, hardly enough time to sound a warning or thwart an attack.

My gift would only offer an advantage if the approaching vampires were not aware of it, but if it was the Volturi, their thoughts could be concealed and the speed on which they approached the house even still several miles out would make it almost completely worthless. Only the physical presence of another vampire might slow down the breach of the cliff wall. I would be spending much of my time here on this rock, but it wouldn't start today, Carlisle was already dragging me up the cliff to the house ignoring my attempts to brush him off. Eventually I followed him of my own volition. He needed to leave for his shift and Esme was upset by my peculiar behavior.

Alice was the first to notice that I no longer suffered from tremors. She didn't say anything to me directly, but I saw it in her thoughts. As she and each of the others became aware of it, I heard their whispers and unconcealed silent queries. They were thrilled by it, but wary of expressing anything verbally; afraid it might be the trigger that would start them up again. I had become so use to the constant spasming of my muscles that the absolute stillness of my body was disconcerting.

Eventually Carlisle and Esme approached me as I sat on the back porch of the house a few days after I ran away. It was snowing and as was the case with our kind, the snow did not melt upon touching our skin. It gave Esme an excuse to brush away the accumulation on my head and shoulders her hands lingering on me, reaffirming that the twitching was gone. I could offer them no explanation; I didn't understand it myself. All I knew was from the moment I understood what I was, what I had always been, the physical quaking had ceased.

I spent the next few days appraising the physical boundaries of our property and concluded that whoever surveyed this land had either been completely intoxicated or as blind as a bat. There was no discernable logic to the borders of the property other than following the path of least resistance as dictated by the lay of the land. Fortunately I wasn't above trespassing and created my own proverbial line in the sand that included the home of the Schroder's, the older couple that lived next door and the tiny pittance of a house occupied by Jenna Lambert.

Including the humans in my perimeter of patrol created no great hardship for me and put them in no greater danger than they already were. If we were attacked by land, feeding would not be on the invading vampires agenda and the humans would be ignored, but in the unlikely event that the attack was from newborns, there would be little that I alone could do to stop them and as unfortunate as it was to consider, the distraction of their enticing blood might give me time to sound an alarm.

The land mass included in my patrol was barely three square miles, but my range of _hearing _was an additional three miles beyond that. A vampire running at top speed could overtake our home long before I could issue a verbal warning that would be taken seriously, but I would perhaps be able to intercept them and delay an attack long enough to ensure that those in the house were reasonably warned of approaching danger and it was the best I could do in any case as the single guard in this sparsely manned garrison.

* * *

Protecting an inanimate object was one thing, protecting six individual vampires that tended to wander off in six different directions was quite another. The simplest and most reasonable solution was to sit Carlisle down and tell him about my revelation, my purpose, the point of my existence and enlist his help in solving the dilemma that faced me. Ideally I would want additional help, more vampires if that were possible, to act as guard, but I doubted even if he were in an unusually generous mood, that request would be granted. Besides, I'd never been one to follow a simple path and so I plotted. First I needed to determine the weakest link in the family and by own definition it was the one with the least amount of skill in hand to hand combat. That was easy; Esme.

Next, I had to assign value to my charges and this I found not only difficult, but treasonous, heartless and morally reprehensible, but it was also necessary. Logic dictated that Carlisle as leader of the coven and creator of four of us should be protected above all others, but if I took everything into consideration, I concluded once more that Esme's worth could not be under appreciated. She was the heart of the family and carried Carlisle's much maligned soul in the palm of her hand and without her, he would wither away to nothing and the rest of the family would simply drift away. I was not so disciplined that I could keep my own emotions from entering into the equation and I could use my natural protectiveness of her to ensure that no matter what else happened, Esme would carry on and with it whatever remained of the family.

I had other less consequential things to resolve, like how to refer to those I now served and how they were to refer to me. I could no longer think of them as mother and father, sisters and brothers. My family died in a hole in the ground in Canada. I'd been reborn when I emerged from the ground, sprung from the loins of mother earth. How ironic that I was now an orphan in every sense of the word. Since I seldom referred to Carlisle and Esme as father and mother, the lack of parental titles would not be noticed, but in relation to how I thought of them and to what regard I held for them well that was an entirely different matter.

There was no possibility that I could emulate the Volturi guard and refer to Carlisle as master. In fact, every time I thought about it, my lips would twitch in a smile and more than once I had to explain away my amusement to those that might have witnessed it, not understanding its relevance to a conversation currently in progress. No, even if Carlisle had recognized what he created in me from the moment of my change, I could never imagine a scenario where he would give me permission to call him master, so I quickly discarded that title and decided that despite my subordinate station, I would refer to all six by their given name as I'd always done in the past.

The Cullen surname created another problem. The name itself had no ramifications within our family or amongst other vampires, we seldom used surnames, but to accommodate our human façade, I needed a last name for legal documents, a driver's license, passport and so on. Taking my human name of Masen appeared the most practical solution and it would be something that Carlisle and I would need to discuss in the very near future.

When I thought to name those I served, I struggled with a title for them. Unlike the Volturi brothers or the Denali coven, I could not assign a geographical label to them. We moved too often to accommodate Carlisle's career as a doctor. _The Cullens_ sounded formal and absurdly generic so I thought over several other possibilities and drawing from a previous interest in mobster movies, I thought that _The Family_ had a nice ring to it. But even that lacked any particular emotional draw to me so after rolling the words over in my mind a few times I modified it to become _My Family._ They were mine whether they willing choose to fall under my umbrella of protection or not. I held them in the highest regard and though my ownership of them could never be documented or even alluded to, it would bring me some small amount of comfort to know that even if I was no longer a part of them, they were still and always would be _mine_.

The biggest dilemma I faced in my new self appointed role was how to tell Carlisle. He would not be pleased and I suspected the ongoing self-denial he clung to when confronted with anything remotely driven by us as a species would make his acceptance of me as his guard and protector, exceedingly difficult. But the hours I spent buried under tons of cold frozen soil had given me more than enough time to reflect on how I reached my momentous conclusion and understand what had eluded me through all the years of my vampire existence and I only had to find a way to present the evidence to him that had always been right in front of me.

It wasn't hard for me to see where Carlisle had gone wrong with me, but I was still astounded through all his time with the Volturi that he hadn't at least suspected he was trying to manipulate an entirely different conclusion to a story already foretold. He created me for a companion that much was likely true, but upon realizing that I had a gift on par with that of Aro, he should have understood that he was given more than just someone to share his life with. Surely he and Aro had discussed the creation of vampires as guards, and how gifted vampires were to be coveted, whether they were created or recruited. The seed should have been planted from the moment I first read his mind. When he turned Esme, his mate, the one he was destined to be with for all time, the idea should have blossomed and flourished. Instead he chose to ignore everything he had learned from Aro in an attempt to create a human-like family.

He didn't take into account that we weren't humans, we were vampires and though it was not completely unreasonable for him to expand his coven to include beloved children of which both he and Esme desired, he needed to first provide security for himself and his mate and if I were not willing or able to fulfill that role he should have encouraged me to find my own way in the world

In retrospect it might have been too late for me to step into the role of guard when for the three years previous; he treated me as a son. I could not imagine any explanation that would have convinced me to serve him as my master after Esme was introduced into our lives. But I was young and naïve and Carlisle had not laid the groundwork in preparing me for that role. It would take ninety years and a journey of unspeakable horrors for me to finally understand.

According to Aro, most vampires were created for one of three reasons; inadvertently, through a bite without a kill, as a companion or mate and for personal protection. Regardless of his initial intentions, Carlisle had Esme, his companion and mate for all time, there was no place for me, not as an equal. I could serve, I could protect, but I could not be part of their inner circle, no matter how hard they tried to include me and the only other possibility was to leave which eventually I did.

I was a killer from the moment of my turn and it was only Carlisle's guiding hand that steered me away from that path, but on my own, I reverted to my instinctual need for human blood. I had no one to tell me to be anything different. I tried not to blame Carlisle for this, for leaving me so thoroughly unable to cope with a lonely nomadic existence. As unbearable as life was as part of a family that I didn't belong, it was worse being on my own. I was not use to a solitary existence, perhaps more so because of my gift. It wasn't being utilized other than when I was overwhelmed with loneliness and would listen to the minds of humans as they interacted with each other trying to remember a time when I'd done the same.

And so I returned and upon my return Carlisle added another member to our family, someone that he thought could be my mate, but he still didn't see or understand what my purpose was. Ironically, Rosalie saw, she saw right from the start and all her disgust and contempt for me over the years now made complete sense. Rosalie more than anyone else knew my place was not at her side, not at the side of Carlisle and Esme as a son, but in servitude to them. She perhaps didn't have the ability to articulate it into words, but she knew from the moment of her change that I was beneath her.

Now, looking back, all the signs were there. I was always the outsider, always the loner, difficult to deal with, uncomfortable within the family nucleus, only recognizing my value when I was able to use my gift to ferret out trouble and suspicions from the human minds around us.

I searched my entire life as a vampire looking for a reason to explain my existence and Carlisle could have released me from that angst if he would have acknowledged his instinctual motivations and recognized himself as a vampire and not some type of glorified human being.

Even Esme knew, somehow, some way, Esme had an inkling that I didn't quite fit in with them and no matter how hard she tried to embrace Carlisle's belief that I was their son her actions spoke of her insight. I didn't have to think hard to remember how, upon Alice and Jasper's arrival it was I that was cast from the house, regulated to the garage along with all my belongings and where was I now? Above the garage, in the servant's quarters, _the servant's quarters_, away from the main house and the family. She was the protective mother after all and as with most species of animals, those that didn't belong were nudged from the nest and away from the rest of her offspring.

There would be a time when I could bring Esme much peace, and validate all that she unconsciously suspected, but I could not do that until I was ready to indulge them with the entire truth and I couldn't do that until I was sure that they understood and would accept what I had to tell them. I couldn't risk their refusal to abandon me as a son and look upon me as a guard. It would be difficult for them at first, but if they were reasonable about it they would see the logic behind my explanation; but I had to be sure and so I waited.

* * *

Keeping tabs on my family members as they went about their business was inconvenient in the best of times and panic inducing in the worst. Eventually, I limited myself to guarding those in the house and only attempted to trail those that were not paired with a mate or accompanied by a parent or sibling.

Esme proved to be an elusive charge and it was only through unimaginable creativity that I was able to remain with her whenever she ventured out alone, which was often. I followed as closely as I could without announcing my presence, moving too fast to be detected by humans. But many of her trips were into the city of Duluth where I couldn't just pop up out of nowhere next to a building or on the street in the middle of the day. Her work on the Glensheen mansion was the bane of my existence, but thankfully she encountered a problem with these solo treks and I was only too willing to assist. On the days when it was sunny she could not visit the project onsite. The walk from the parking lot to the side door of the mansion exposed her to direct sunlight and it was only after I came up with the solution of dropping her off at the side door completely covered by a generous overhang that she could visit the site as often as she liked. Still, she was alone with humans all day, hardly protected in their company, but I found that by parking exactly 2.7 miles from the mansion in the driveway of an abandon house, I could monitor her thoughts and respond to any calls of distress that didn't involve missing blueprints, delays in the renovation and shady contractors.

I did not offer an explanation to Carlisle because he didn't ask for one. He noted my absences and how they usually coincided with Esme's errands, and though he was troubled, he did not pester me with questions for which I was eternally grateful.

But my self-appointed regulation of my duties did not just include shadowing Esme. Carlisle's work at the hospital created another dilemma for me. If I spent all my hours with him, hiding just beyond his sense of smell, then I abandon the others who would often pair off and leave Esme alone. But if I left Carlisle to his own devices, understanding that he was capable of protecting himself from all but the most gift vampires or a multi faceted attack, I was exposing him, the coven leader, the one that I should be protecting above others, to fend for himself.

So I did what could reasonably be expected. I went with Carlisle to the hospital randomly, assuming that he could defend himself against a single vampire and if we were under surveillance by the Volturi they couldn't know what days I would be with him and what days I wouldn't.

* * *

Within days of my rebirth I began distancing myself from _My Family_. I needed to wean myself from them as surely as they needed to be weaned from me. I spent most of my time in my room, rearranging my space so that I could utilize the floor to ceiling windows keeping tabs on the property around the house and the unannounced or unplanned comings and goings of _My Family_. I boxed up all my music and stereo equipment and dismantled the shelves that held it. I had no time for it and couldn't lose myself in lyrics and melodies when I was supposed to be listening to the sounds of approaching enemies.

The piano was new, it would be shame to destroy it, but it blocked a large section of a North facing window and I could not justify its presence in light of more pressing needs. My assumption was that it had been placed in the room before the windows were installed; there would have been no way to get it up the narrow stairwell leading from the garage and I couldn't very well damage the windows to get it out. No, I had no choice but to destroy it and carry it out piece by piece, but that would have to wait until I was sure that no one would ever think to visit me here and that wouldn't happen until they understood what I was.

As was to be expected, Carlisle confronted me on my solitary ways and new behaviors that were no less odd, but just different than the ones I'd displayed in the past.

"Edward, do you want to talk about what's bothering you?"

I was sitting in a tree at the end of the driveway, waiting for Carlisle to leave for his shift so I could follow him. The darkness concealed me from the cars on the road and I gave little mind to the sounds of his car coming down the driveway until he stopped and rolled down his window. It was too late to run.

"Bothering me?"

"Esme tells me that you no longer sit with her at night."

A flutter. Was that a tremor? I managed to look confused. "I don't understand. I sit with her every night."

"I understand son, but you no longer let her touch you. I know that might appear insignificant to you, but she has noticed it." He smiled wearily. "She does like to cuddle, so if you wouldn't mind indulging her from time to time."

I was distracted by his use of the word son. He wouldn't know not to call me that, but it was still unnerving to hear the intimate term come from his lips. I nodded. He hadn't phrased it like a question, so I took it for an order. That night I sat closely next to Esme as she read and when she reached out to stroke my hair I did not pull away, though everything about the act felt wrong.

Whatever subtle changes occurred in my behavior as a consequence of my new role went largely unnoticed. I understood their lack of attention. My idiosyncrasies were so commonplace they were seldom given a second thought anymore. But of all things, the approach I took when hunting was perhaps the most noticeable. I hunted often during my nightly patrols, keeping my eyes a golden ochre letting no hint of black touch the irises. I found this kept some of Carlisle's concerns at bay. In the profound words of Emmett, _a well fed vampire was a happy vampire_ and I thought Carlisle saw some truth in that comment.

The difference in my feeding style was a complete departure from my past life and role and would be obvious if I hunted with any of them. I no longer concerned myself with the size of my prey or even the species. If it was a mammal and not human, it could potentially fall to my thirst. I was indifferent to the taste of the blood and viewed hunting as a way to nourish my body so I could carry on with my duties. I fed from rabbits and fox, raccoon, otters, ground hogs and beaver and supplemented all of that with deer. I tried not to take the biggest and best anymore, leaving the choicest prey for _My Family_ and the human hunters that would prize the large rack of a big steed more than I would prize the quantity of the subpar blood its death provided me.

I never hunted predators. Their blood was a special treat and I no longer felt it was my right or place to indulge in it. In fact, I'd taken to scouting for bear in the region so I could subtle steer the others towards them and relished stories of their kills as if they were my own. I drew much of my strength during this difficult transition on my experiences however brief with the Volturi guard. Between Aro's explanation and my own observations I was able to deduce that there was pleasure in serving those you loved. The guard was full of vampires that devoted their life to their masters and had centuries of loyal service to speak to the fulfillment that could be achieved by such a selfless existence. My journey was more difficult, I had no one to guide me least of all those I now deemed my masters and mistresses, but I also had the foresight to understand the reward once I finally transitioned to that role.

Out of concern for his safety, I hunted with Carlisle more often than the rest. He usually hunted alone and I did not feel comfortable with that, so risking that he might try and engage me in conversation, I went with him every opportunity I could, only disappearing when he brought down his prey. He assumed I was hunting myself, but instead I discreetly hid in the trees, swallowing the venom that pooled in my mouth and ignoring my thirst. We were at our most danger and our most vulnerable when we hunted. Carlisle was no exception. Distracted, he could be ambushed, but I always kept watch and never fed on the nights I hunted with Carlisle.

* * *

There were unexpected consequences to this role I cast myself in. It might have been my destiny from the moment of my change and the only way I could justify my existence, particularly after Bella, but that didn't make it any easier to accept. I was lonely. Everything I did, I did alone. Not that I wasn't without the physical presence of another for the better part of the day. It was only my private patrols through the woods surrounding the house that I was truly alone, but the rest of the time I maintained a fairly reasonable connection to at least one of _My Family_ and up until a few short months ago, I'd been completely satisfied with this.

But now that I knew I could no longer consider myself one of them, I felt the oppressiveness of my solitary existence like I never had in the past and it was suffocating me. It was entirely my fault. I hadn't completely cut my attachment to those I served, I still pined for Esme's warmth and felt jealous when she bestowed her tenderness and love on her children of which I no longer was and I was envious when I watched from my perch in a tree outside the house when Jasper bested Carlisle at chess or Emmett teased and tormented a sibling to the point of hysterical laughter. Occasionally I would wipe at nonexistent tears, mourning their loss, naively thinking that all these raw emotions had been buried somewhere in Canada and not understanding why I couldn't let them go and embrace my new life, no longer expected to live up the expectations that came with being Carlisle's son of which I'd been a dismal failure.

I despised my weakness. Would I fail at this too? Would my destiny also be my doom? My options were limited if I could not generate a wall of indifference that would allow me to think rationally and behave in a professional manner. When I tried to picture Felix breaking into tears as a bid for Aro's attention I was reduced to a fit of demented giggles. The thought was too preposterous to even consider. Eventually I decided that time was on my side. I just needed practice. I had anticipated making a full three hundred and sixty degree transition into my new life but there were bound to be obstacles and roadblocks and I only needed to condition myself and be patient; eventually I would get my emotions under control.

I could not be described as obedient. I couldn't afford to be. If I were obedient to my masters and mistresses I would answer all their questions honestly and without any attempt to edit or manipulate the truth. Until they understood what I was and released me from my family ties to them, I could not be completely honest, and thus was not obedient, though I did try.

I would sit and play the piano in the house for hours, pulling song after song from the playlist in Esme's mind, but this form of obedience did not please her. On the contrary it appeared to disturb her, particularly when I could provide no answers for her when she asked me about my song selection or why I played only in her presence. Didn't she understand that I was only obeying her thoughts? Eventually she would reach around me and grip my fingers pulling them forcibly from the piano keys to silence me

I had better luck with Carlisle when he inquired about the journal he'd given me. I no longer needed to write to eliminate the tremors, but I could see it was his desire that I write in it as Alice had seen me do during my time with the Volturi. I eagerly embraced this thought when I finally realized I could use the journal to serve him much as I had done Marcus.

I waited until we were alone in the house and surprised him by settling into a chair near his desk with the journal and a pen in hand. He glanced at it and smiled cautiously. His thoughts revealed his suspicions. He assumed that I was going to write in it for his benefit. He was only partially right.

I wrote an introduction in the first page of the journal and some private observations, but after a time, I spoke.

"Carlisle?"

He looked up startled. I never engaged him in conversation. After a moment of unease, I continued. "Did you know Esme was your mate from the moment you met her, even when she was human?"

"Wha…I'm not…what do you mean, son?" Carlisle looked astonished. He wasn't entirely convinced that this question didn't have a hidden agenda and he was right.

"I know you would never have changed her than, as a human, a healthy human, but did you want to?"

"I…well…there might have been a brief moment when I longed for her ongoing company in my life, but she was just a sixteen year old girl than, so it was hard for me to consider her anything more than a patient." His face took on a thoughtful expression and I nodded in understanding.

When I asked nothing more of him, he gave me one last long questioning look, before resuming his study of some case notes. But I'd planted the seed, he was already distracted and he began thinking about Esme as a young girl, her beautiful face contorted in pain as her father scolded her tomboyish ways in front of him. I could see the defiant look in her eye as reflected through Carlisle's memories and his appreciation of the rosy blush the flushed her cheek.

And so I began to write.

By the time Esme and the others returned home, I had several dozen pages of Carlisle thoughts on his first meeting with Esme and his subsequent remembrances of her after she no longer was a patient of his. I managed to capture his tendering longings for someone to truly share his life with and his face always reverted back to Esme as a sixteen year old. Later, alone, I read over what I'd written pleased that I captured the spirit of their first meeting and excited that there would be a day when I would show Carlisle his journal anticipating that he would relish that I'd captured his memories on paper.

As I was the guard, I now became the historian and sought Carlisle out regularly with journal in hand, ready to record memories either spontaneously or through an outright manipulation, inducing the memories I wanted to see. When I filled one book, I had Carlisle get me another and another and felt a warm flush of pleasure as he looked at me approvingly, believing that my interest in writing in the journal was the first step towards the _recovery_ he hoped was in my future. No he did not understand exactly what I was doing but when he did, I had no doubt he would be pleased, even if it wasn't what he expected.

When Carlisle wasn't around, I started questioning Esme, inviting her to relive her first memories of Carlisle. I could not do her human memories service, they were vague and hardly more than an afterthought on a life she no longer hand, but her vampire memories were as clear and vivid as Carlisle's had been and I filled up as many journals as I had with Carlisle, documenting everything. Her journals, I purchased myself, thinking it more appropriate that her memories were stored in a more elegant pale blue book decorated with ornate intricate vines embossed along the edges of it.

Writing took up much of my time and reluctantly I realized I had to put limitations on it or I couldn't devote the necessary time to my guard duties; so I limited myself to spending only a few hours a day recording the memories of Carlisle and Esme, my penmanship perfect, my interpretation spot on.

I kept one shelf intact in my room and stacked their journals neatly on it. There would be a day when all the walls of this room, every square inch might be covered with their journals to include those of Rosalie and Emmet and Alice and Jasper and I was delighted that I found a new way to utilize a gift outside of the obvious ones. The thought brought a smile to my lips. Aro for all his delight in securing a mind reader as part of his guard didn't understand that besides thwarting assassination attempts and wheedling out secrets from friend and foe, the gift had other uses.

My patrols around the property had gone largely unnoticed. I followed the same general path that I'd previously delineated when I wanted to make a quick run of the perimeter but I constantly pushed out beyond those boundaries. The snow on the ground was a problem. If I ran, my foot prints were undetectable unless a curious family member decided to track me, but if I slowed or stopped, I had no more ability to keep from sinking in the snow then any human. I tried not to run over the same area and made numerous zigzags within the circumference of the rectangular boundaries but my scent was everywhere. When I finally did reveal myself to Carlisle, I concluded it would be a lot easier to protect _My Family_ but for now I had to remain secretive about my objective. I needed to develop a plan and understand how I would best serve in my new role.

Because I expanded my territory to include the neighboring residents, I became responsible for the humans as well. The Schroders remained strangers to me. They were housebound as the cold lingered through early spring and though Carlisle and Esme checked on them from time to time, I found no reason to request a formal introduction.

I spent more time near Jenna Lambert's house. She was often awake during my evening patrol and was always awake when I made my rounds before dawn. I knew nothing of the father of the boy, she didn't think of him, her thoughts were of paying bills, dealing with her mother, taking care of her child and keeping her furnace going. I hadn't found a reason to approach her again, since after the incident with her car some months ago, but I visited her twice a day and lingered in a giant oak tree for several minutes before continuing on.

Some weeks into my nightly patrols, I was horrified to discover Carlisle's scent tracking the path of my favorite route. I thought back during the previous day trying to remember when I missed Carlisle's absence, when he left the house without my knowledge. I wasn't sure what disturbed me more, that he was following my scent or that he managed to slip away from me undetected. I hadn't even caught it in his thoughts. The night was one of the longest of my life as I waited for Carlisle to return from his shift, but he said nothing to me even after I made myself available by lingering in the house during his and Esme's private time together. Wherever I pulled the bravery from that kept me near during the evening, evaporated as the afternoon progressed and I eventually snuck away to my room to hide. It wasn't until later in the afternoon when Esme, Alice and Rosalie left on an unplanned shopping trip, that Carlisle sought me out.

_Son? _

Even that word in his thoughts unnerved me.

I was standing staring out at Esme's departing BMW, unprotected, without a guard; the tremors were there just below the surface.

"I like what you've done to the place," Carlisle chuckled, entering without knocking.

I grimaced and turned to face him; the beautifully decorated room had been destroyed. It no longer look like Esme's hand had touched it. Carlisle's sounds of amusement ceased and I followed his eyes.

_What's this about?_

To my dismay I saw he was looking at the boxes that held my music.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he said calmly.

I didn't want to talk about it, certainly not why I no longer had time for my music. My eyes went to the shelf that held my array journals. Carlisle was staring at them as well. Why hadn't I hidden them? He was curious about the pale blue ones that I never wrote in when he was around.

I panicked and my hands clenched at my sides.

"Edward, haven't we gotten beyond this? You know you have nothing to fear from me."

He sat in the leather chair that no longer resided in the alcove. I was tired of moving it when I laid in my _bed_ so I pushed it against the window and found that by standing on it I could see over the gazebo. It was unlikely that any vampire could sneak so close to the house without being spotted, but I couldn't be too careful.

"I'm not afraid." But I was. I knew if there was any credibility to my new role as a guard, I would need to answer direct questions. Carlisle didn't have Aro's abilities. He couldn't read me. He would only know if I told him and I was determined to be as honest with him as I could, but only if he asked.

"Can you tell me what's going on here, Edward? Why is your music packed up? Are you going somewhere?"

I shook my head focusing only on the last part of his question. "No, I won't leave again."

Carlisle waited. When I didn't speak he asked again.

"Why is all your music packed up?"

It was on the tip of my tongue to lie. A dozen reasons popped into my mind, all sounded weak but viable, but I just couldn't.

"I don't listen to it anymore."

"Why not, son?"

_Because I'm too busy protecting you._ "I write in the journals instead."

"You could do both." Carlisle clasped his hands behind his head.

_I need to hear your memories not the music._ "It's distracting."

"You enjoy it then, writing in your journals?"

I nodded and smiled a little. I enjoyed it very much.

"Any chance that I could see what you've written?"

I nodded my head again. They were after all his memories, but when he rose from his chair, I jumped in front of him holding my hand out. "Not yet."

Carlisle looked confused but sunk back into the chair. "When then?"

From his eyes I saw the disbelieving expression on my face and tried not to appear patronizing in my response. "They aren't done yet. You can't read them until they're done."

"Done?" Carlisle repeated questioningly, then abruptly shifted gears. "Edward why are you circling our property over and over again."

Direct question. Not good. I shifted uncomfortably. "Making sure it's safe."

"Safe from whom?"

"Anyone that might try to hurt you."

"Hurt me? Who wants to hurt me?"

I licked my lips. How could I say this without exposing myself? "Not just you…everyone."

"Has someone threatened us, is there something you aren't telling me?" Carlisle's voice didn't sound alarmed.

"No."

"Edward come here," he stood and waited.

I waited as well, not understanding. We were twenty feet apart. Why did I have to come closer?

But I hadn't misunderstood him; he waved his hand to me, motioning me forward. Reluctantly I walked to within five feet of him.

He smiled sadly shook his head a little and before I could see his intentions in his thoughts, he was upon me, his arms wrapping around mine, pulling me in his embrace.

I was stunned by his actions. Carlisle never forced physical affection on me. A pat on the back was usually as close as he ever got. Aside from the days following my return from Volterra, when I was broken and he had no choice but to hold me to keep me from falling to pieces, we never embraced. After I recovered we resumed our no contact rule. And now that I was no longer his son, it felt completely foreign to me to have him embrace me. I could offer nothing in return; my arms remained hanging limply at my side. That should have been the signal to him that his affections weren't welcomed but he gripped me tighter, almost painfully so.

"Edward, you have nothing to fear. No one is going to hurt us. I know you worry about that and I understand after all you've been through why you're apprehensive, but you're safe son. I spent too many years with the Volturi to not understand how they operate. Aro will never force you to join them and he will not harm us."

"There are always others," I said barely able to push the words from my mouth, so firm was his grip on me.

"No Edward. We have no more to fear now than we ever did and not once do I remember you being so concerned about attacks from other vampires. It's highly unlikely that a nomadic vampire would even approach us, let alone attack one of us, certainly not randomly. Your fears are misplaced son. Nicholas was a fluke, and it was only a coincidence that he caught you at such a weak moment, but neither you nor any of the rest of us will ever fall victim to the likes of him again. It's time to let it go Edward; you need to let it go. You are home safe and no one is going to hurt you or any of us. I won't let that happen."

Carlisle's thoughts reaffirmed the conviction in his words. He truly believed what he said, but he didn't understand. I wasn't paranoid and I wasn't suffering from my past experiences. I was being proactive. There would always be the possibility of a threat from another of our kind, one not morally inclined to respect Carlisle's peaceful nature and unlike a bad human, a vampire with evil intentions had the ability to end our immortal life. It was implausible to me that Carlisle would create such a large family and not have a guard in place to protect them and the fact that he couldn't see my concern and understand it on his own, mystified me. Had spending decades with the Volturi taught him nothing?

But Carlisle had always been different. He wasn't like any of the rest of us. He was a good man, a good person. He wouldn't see things like I did or the Volturi or any other vampire. It was entirely possible that his inability to recognize evil in others had left him incapable of seeing danger that was all around him. He couldn't nor should he worry about such non consequential things as security. That was my responsibility and I wouldn't burden him with it. Perhaps it wouldn't be necessary to broach the subject with him at all.

I remained almost motionless but at some point I must have responded to him as I found myself loosely embracing him; I smiled and patted him on the back. I felt better. There was no question that I brought value to this family now more so than ever.

Eventually, he released his grip around me but still held me firmly by the shoulders. I met his eyes waiting expectantly for him to dismiss me.

"Never doubt Edward, I will get you through this. I will never give up trying to help you and you need to recognize that you don't have to suffer through this on your own; we are all here for you, all of us. Do you understand?"

His gaze was mesmerizing; his power of persuasion was strong. Aro had nothing on him. I swallowed hard and nodded.

"Now do me a favor son, before your mother comes in here and has a heart attack."

I would not get upset with his usage of words that inaccurately described our relationship. He wouldn't know better. Instead I managed a tiny smile and he smiled back.

"Please reassemble the shelves and put your stereo equipment and music back. You can rearrange the furniture how you see fit but it would pain her to see what you love most boxed up and shoved in a corner."

I nodded. I would figure out a solution to the limited visibility the shelves created later. Perhaps the roof of the servant's quarters would offer me a better vantage point anyway. I would survey it later, being cognizant that I would need to remain hidden from the prying eyes that might see me through the windows of the house, but I'm sure there was a solution that would make everyone happy.

* * *

Later, after I reassembled the shelves and meticulously rearranged my music by release, date artist and album title and replaced most of the furniture back as Esme originally had it, I made the rounds of the property for my nightly patrol. I hadn't been able to reconcile how I would continue my twice daily patrol duty without drawing further questions and scrutiny from Carlisle, but I decided that rather than worry about it I would just see where his questions led.

For now I would enjoy the peace of having _My Family_ under one roof, because they were my family, even if I were no longer a part of them, they belonged to me. Carlisle was given a rare second night off in a row and having hunted the previous night, he and Esme were enjoying their time together with their children. A small little part of me wanted to join them. It appeared that Alice had taken charge and it was movie night, complete with popcorn that was being tossed around the room in handfuls. What else did one do with it when eating it was not an option? But I couldn't join them. It was family night and I wasn't part of the family any longer. Not that they wouldn't welcome me, but it didn't help me or them in redefining my role. If I were truly honest, it wasn't me they missed as much as the idea of me, a third son. I hadn't considered it before, but if Esme continued to mourn my loss perhaps Carlisle could indulge her with another child. He certainly had access to dying humans on a daily basis.

So I did not join them, not even when Esme seated next to Carlisle on the sofa, looked over his shoulder towards my quarters fervently wishing in her thoughts that I would. She was silently calling to me, but her calls would go unanswered on this night. Instead I climbed in a tree near the house and watched them through the large windows that spilled yellow light out into the back yard. I wanted to get closer, but a spring snow fall earlier in the day had blanketed the ground and footprints outside the windows would be easily detectable. No need to draw Carlisle back to my room for a second round of questioning.

Instead I watched from my perch, the convoluted movie _Inception_, not understanding Alice's infatuation with the leading man, but enjoying the thoughts of the rest of them as they indulged her. Other than the thoughts of my family, all was silent, even the hum of traffic on the road had died down as the hour approached midnight. My mind drifted to my duties and I sighed despite my rather content disposition.

How was I, one lone vampire going to spend all of eternity protecting six? I couldn't even look to the Volturi for an answer to this predicament. They had dozens of guards that protected just three brothers and their wives and they seldom left the castle. I, on the other hand, had six independent headstrong charges that seldom gathered all in one spot at one time as they blissfully did on this night. And that didn't even take into consideration the four additional humans that I'd however inadvertently become responsible for. It was a quagmire without an obvious solution.

_I could help_.

I turned my head at the sound of her voice and chuckled.

"Of course, why hadn't I considered that?" I didn't have to turn completely around to imagine the endearing look of indignation on her face. "Granted you are human and only a figment of my imagination, but other than that, you'd be perfect. When can you start?"

_Edward_. She said in a most exasperated fashion.

"Come love, let's get you out of this tree." I dropped lightly to the ground and turned to catch her before sighing at my ridiculous behavior. Bella had been notably absent from my thoughts over the last couple of months and I was happy to have her back with me. I couldn't deny the feeling of unease that I felt at her abandonment, assuming she wasn't inclined to keep company with a simple member of the guard, But now she was back and I had a better way to occupy my mind then watching my family watching a movie and listening to Alice's silent infatuation with Leonardo DiCaprio.

I ran back to my room and turned on a lamp for Bella's sake and ignored the bewildered thoughts of those in _My Family_ that happen to notice.

Bella was different. Where normally we revisited our past conversations and memories together enjoying each other's company in a passive languorous state that required little interaction from either of us, this Bella appeared to have a mind of her own. She was smiling at me and I suddenly felt shy.

_What do you want to do?_ Bella asked softly.

I could feel her warm breath touch my face and smell her tantalizing scent. It was so real that I felt the burn of my thirst. I swallowed the venom pooling in my mouth and shrugged.

"Shall I read to you?" I said to the empty room. I pulled Mansfield Park from a book shelf.

_No, for a change, I think I want to read to you. _

My eyes drifted around the room focusing on the spot where the bed would have been then deciding it would be too presumptuous of me to suggest we lay there, I pulled the comfortable leather chair closer to the fireplace and put the book on it, motioning for Bella to sit. Then indulging myself for the first time since I saw it, I climbed into the small fireplace, wiggling into it backwards, wrapping my arms around my knees that were drawn up under my chin. It was a tight fight and one that I attempted only with the intense care. I did not want to damage it, but its snugness afforded me the benefit of security.

There was a time when I would have cuddled in Bella's arms but since her imaginary embrace did not gratify me like her living body had, I made do with the sanctuary of the fireplace. I wondered if my arms around her felt like the stone that now encased me; cold, hard and unforgiving, but safe and comforting all the same.

I closed my eyes and imagined her, clenching my teeth to hide a grin when I saw her role her eyes in my direction. Her beautiful voice was just as I remember and I sighed contentedly as she recited the familiar passages that I knew by heart.

When I opened my eyes several hours later, Bella was gone and propped on the chair was Pride and Prejudice. Apparently I would be indulging Bella by reading the book of her choice later today, but first I had to make my rounds of the property. I was behind schedule and Esme had a meeting with a contractor planned for later that day.

* * *

**_Author Notes:_**

**_I rewrote this chapter because I thought it sounded disconnected, but when the rewrite was similarly unemotional I decided it was Edward's fault and part of his coping mechanism and told from his POV there was nothing I could do about it. Please don't listen to a word he says, he was never created to be the guard of the family._**

**_Thanks to my handful of reviewers that kept me going week after week. Without you this story may not have gotten finished. I doubt I'll continue on as there just hasn't been enough interest in it to write a sequel, but the Epilogue to follow will give you an idea where I would have taken it._**


	20. Epilogue

**_Epilogue_**

* * *

She spent most of her time in the river letting the gentle current of the water take her downstream as she languidly lay on her back staring up at the trees that hung over it. The branches of the trees, minus their leaves resembled claws and occasionally they would gravitate towards her and try to snatch her up with their spindly fingers, but she wasn't afraid. She knew her mind played tricks on her and understood that most of the images she saw were not as they seemed. To determine what was real and what was not, she had to utilize all her senses, not just her eyes and though she still could be fooled, she could recall no time in her past where the trees came alive influenced and controlled by the demon buried deep underground snatching at whatever damned souls were within its reach.

When she was spit from the river into the ocean, she would start all over again, swimming upstream to the house, sometimes clinging to the river bank watching and waiting for the occupants of the home to return, but eventually getting bored and distracted letting the waters take her back downstream again.

The only time she pulled herself from the watery bed that cradled her was to feed and she only did that when she was well away from the house and the demonic trees with their threatening claw like branches. She ventured to the city where humans were plentiful and she plucked them from under the artificial lights that lined the city streets carrying them into deserted buildings or dark alleys to enjoy their sweet sacrifice in peace. The beady eyes that peered through the inky blackness as she fed were her constant companions. Seldom did they manifest into shapes beyond the red glow of their piercing stares, but they aggravated her none the less and she found complete darkness thwarted their marauding ways. She could still see and hear them scampering about just beyond the perimeter of her reach, but at least she was spared the reflection of those glowing eyes.

Besides the shadowy escorts that followed her everywhere, she was confronted with new and much more disturbing images of what could only be described as giant wolves with snapping teeth and a detestable odor that often sent her fleeing into the nearest body of water, the only place that seemed to keep them at bay. Their immense size and complete lack of fear suggested they were just another creature conjured up by her imagination, haunting her thoughts and invading the sanctity of her world. Yet she felt true fear when they chased her and her usual tricks to rid her mind of the beasts didn't quite work. Only the physical effort of running as fast as she could would eventually rid herself of them as their cackles and yelps and growls of disappointment faded away to become part of her memories.

Sometimes, in more lucid moments when she wasn't being chased by snarling wolves or inundated with whispers of displeasure from all the bugs and worms and beetles that squirmed under her body where she laid on the river bank, she wondered why she was here, what bonded her to this house that she was certain she'd never seen before, but then she would sigh and remember that the memories she still held onto were to be trusted and those that were just beyond her reach would remain that way; so she didn't struggle too hard to find the answer to a question she would never know.

Only once had she snuck into the house through a broken back window, a window that wasn't broken one day, but then the next day it was and she couldn't help but blame the stinky wolves for that even if something told her that she was the guilty party and the dogs had nothing to do with it.

With the window broke and no one to blame, she decided that exploring the house would make the damage justifiable, but to whom she wasn't certain. It was a clean house and other than the broken glass from the window, there was no other visible damage to see; no holes in the walls, no broken furniture, no stale scent of old blood, no signs of recent feedings or rusty red patches on the plush white carpet that tickled her dirty feet.

She felt sad when she saw the mess she was leaving and tried to wipe it away with a bit of clothing she found in a closet, but the dirt just smeared into the rug and after awhile of wiping and wiping some more, she saw the faces in the dirt staring back at her and gave up her effort to clean, not liking the way their eyes darted around and their mouths opened and closed like they were trying to talk to her.

She opened cupboards and drawers finding most of them empty, except for what she understood to be pots and dishes and knives and forks, the tools that humans used to feed. In the closet of one of the rooms she found more clothing and the old scent of someone she did not know, not unpleasant but understanding the boundaries of civility, she refrained from taking anything from it, even though her own clothes were little more than rags on her back.

Up the stairs, there were more rooms, some with furniture in them and some completely empty, but she didn't brother investigating each one. There were more lingering old unfamiliar scents and the dancing shadows that crawled up the wall though generally non threatening, made hissing sounds of warning whenever she approached the threshold of the doorway leading into them.

It wasn't until she reached the third landing and traversed down a narrow hallway devoid of all light and mercifully free of any shadows that she picked up a scent she did know, the scent that brought her here in the first place. The room was all windows, but there was one wall full of empty shelves and in the corner a black leather couch. Against a wall of windows was a giant bed stripped down to only a bare mattress. She didn't sit on the bed, not wanting to stain it with the grime that covered her body, but the couch looked inviting and so crossing her legs Indian style she sat there for some time, a long time and simply absorbed the scent, faded and distant but the image of the owner of that scent was vivid and clear and it was the only vampire face that she could put a name too.

_Edward._

It might have been days or weeks or months or even years, though probably not years, that she played in the water or sat on the river bank and only a changing of the seasons let her know that time was passing at all. She had no way to gauge it any other way and didn't really care. What was time to a vampire after all? She did not understand why she choose to remain by this house that no longer had occupants other than the little ferret-like beasts that ran along the siding of the home, their sharp little teeth grinding and chomping as they hunted for whatever their kind fed on. She attempted to cover the broken window with the hated tree branches that she broke off with some glee, ignoring the shriek of outrage from the menacing trees, but the rabid little rodents were not that big and could find their way between the branches and into the house that she'd begun to think of as her own.

If she chose to be honest with herself she knew she stayed because she had nowhere else to go. She didn't understand why she was here or who sent her here in the first place, but she knew that it was the faded scent of _him_ that held the key to explaining who she was and why she sought him out and she had to wait until he returned so he could tell her what she should do.

Because her days melded together and she seldom paid attention to the passage of time, she was shocked to discover upon returning from one of her many swims back upstream that the house, the empty big white house with giant windows that resembled vacant eyes staring at her on some days and just plain windows on others, was no longer empty and she was no longer alone. In fact, after being deserted for an indeterminable amount of time it was bubbling with activity and none of the vampires she smelled were familiar too her.

She remained in the water frozen against the muddy bank of the river peering over the edge of it through two clumps of clotted dead grass. Instinctually she knew better than to raise her head or move at all. The senses of those in the house were as sharp as hers and any sign of movement would alert them to her presence, any whiff of her scent would have them upon her in seconds. They did not appear to be alarmed or suspicious and at least two of them carried the same scent that she smelled on the clothing in the house. It wasn't until they discovered the damaged window that they expressed any outward signs of concern and even then it was not over fear of the intruder that they would know was no longer there.

"Esme is going to have a fit when she finds out that her carpets are ruined," said a deep male voice, sounding not the least bit upset.

"Well then we just won't tell her. It's not like we're going to be coming back here any time soon. Not after all the crap that's happened here," a female responded to him tersely.

"Probably some local kids, having a little fun," another female quipped.

"Maybe. It wouldn't surprise me, but on the other hand, it's not like there is any other damage; doesn't look like anything's been stolen either," the deep voice again.

"Vampire," another male stated quietly.

She could hear them all sniff at the air and she froze. Even the slightest movement could distribute her scent.

"I don't smell anything."

"Me either, so if it was a vampire, they are long gone by now."

"Probably dog food. Glad we didn't know them."

"Emmett," a reproachful giggle.

"What? I'm just saying, with those mutts around looking for revenge, I pity the clueless vampire that runs into them. Maybe we should put up a sign, _Beware of Dogs_."

So the big monstrous wolves were real? She wasn't exactly frightened. Somewhere on the edge of her memories, she thought she had known real fear and though the beasts appeared able to kill her, they were nothing more than giant wolves, neither supernatural nor demonic. If they were real, they could also be destroyed.

"We'll have someone come in and fix the window and clean the carpets. Esme will never know."

"Yeah, I'll take that bet, babe. The minute one of us slips, guess who will see it and you can be sure he will tell her," the deep voice again. Emmett was it?

"No he won't, not if he thinks it will upset her."

This one had a pleasant voice. She wanted to jump up and join them but something or someone from her past was telling her not to move, that it would be dangerous to expose herself. There were just too many of them and she was almost certain they really existed.

"Come on, let's get going. I want to be home by tomorrow morning," Babe said.

She watched, fascinated as the front of the house opened up, like a giant mouth ready to eat whatever might be lurking outside. She hoped it would chomp on those ferret looking things. She didn't like them; they were sloppy noisy eaters and they smelled like dead fish.

But instead of rolling out a big gray tongue licking up the vermin that were scurrying along the perimeter of its black mouth, a loud rumbling purr came from the bowels of the house and from it, rolling one after another, three shiny vehicles. She was shocked to see the vampires behind the wheel of the cars. She didn't think she'd ever seen a vampire drive a car before, but then her memories couldn't be trusted so it was possible she was wrong.

"I am not driving the Volvo all the way back to Duluth. Alice, you need to switch with me."

She could now put a face to the bossy voice. She was beautiful, her hair was like golden sunlight and her face was flawlessly clean and pale and painted. She wiped a hand across her own muddy hair and felt the grime and grit and little squirming insects as she stroked it, wishing her hair was as pristine and glistening and golden as the beautiful women's before her.

"I don't think so. This car is simply fabulous and you know how Edward is about his cars. He won't let me drive it."

"I remember how Edward _was_ about his cars, but to be honest, I don't think he cares one way or the other anymore."

_Edward_? They knew who she was waiting for. She clamped a hand over her mouth as a delighted little giggle threatened to escape from her lips.

The other girl had darker hair and she was nodding sadly, but then she got a strange expression on her face, almost like she wasn't there any more, drifting off to another place; her own private world.

"Alice, what is it?" A tall blond man with hair even lighter than the beautiful girl walked from the mouth of the house and reached a hand out to grip the arm of the dark haired girl with the pretty voice.

"I see something," the Alice girl said in a far away voice. "Someone is coming."

All eyes snapped up and looked around the property and she pressed herself against the ground as flat as she could, not daring to look around to see who it might be, but then considering that maybe the girl spoke of her. She waited, completely still for copious amounts of time or at least a few seconds, but when she heard no one approaching she lifted her head and peeked through the dead clumps of grass again.

They were all standing outside of the cars now, but they weren't looking at her. They weren't looking around at all; they were just huddled around the little dark haired girl Alice. All except the tall blond one who was walking away from her and searching the wooded tree line intently. She could clearly see the bite marks on his neck and face and along both of his arms and she sucked in a little gasp. They were old wounds, just white crescent shaped scars, familiar to her in a way that unnerved her. He was a killer, deadly, to be feared more so than the angry wolves or the scary ferrets or the shadows that followed her everywhere. He truly was dangerous, an executioner of her kind and she needed to run away and hide.

But she didn't. She watched as they broke away from Alice who was back from wherever she had been looking contrite, but shrugging and smiling. They argued some more about the cars and finally they closed the big giant mouth of the house. Babe and Emmett got into a massive black truck that looked like a monster in its own right and Alice slid behind the wheel of the prized gray one with big bulbous bug eye headlights. Only the tall blond one kept searching and sniffing the woods and then he was moving closer and his face was scrunched up as he tried to concentrate on the strange smell and she knew the strange smell was her and she scrunched up her own face and thought hard about hiding it and only when he was called by Alice did he finally turn around giving one backwards glance in her direction before getting into the other gray car.

The roar of the engines startled her, but she didn't move from her spot, not until the noisy mechanical beasts had screeched down the driveway and out of sight.

When she could no longer smell their scent or the sound of the departing cars she jumped up from the river's edge and danced in circles linking arms with a friendly blue figure that had no face, but the rest of its appendages looked much like hers. They knew where Edward was, maybe they were even going to go to him and then they would bring him back and she would finally be with him again.

But she stopped dancing when she thought of the scary blond vampire with all those bite marks. A whimper escaped her lips and she gnawed painfully on her fingers. She wasn't a decision maker. She only came here to this house because she was told it was where Edward lived. She didn't know or remember who told her or why, but it was important that she find him. She hoped Edward knew. She remembered his face fondly. He had a sad face, but it wasn't evil or bad and though she only saw him briefly, she knew he would know what to do with her.

But now she had to make a decision. Did she sit here and wait for him to come or did she follow the other vampires who might bring her to him? She only had a short time to make up her mind. She heard a howling from somewhere in the distance. It was those dogs again and according to the big vampire, Emmett, they were real. Better to leave now and take her chances. Besides, those disgusting ferrets like creatures were back with their grinding teeth and beady little eyes and she didn't want to stay in the river any more.

So looking around cautiously at the dancing shadows cast by the fading light of a hidden sun, she decided to leave this place that she'd grown quite fond of and follow the vampires in their cars as far as they would take her. Duluth, wasn't that what Babe said? She didn't know where or what Duluth was but if she didn't find Edward she could always come back.

She ran into the water that reached above her knees and seeing the reflection of her face covered in mud, she wiped at it furiously removing most of the dirt and stains, but looking nothing like the beautiful women with the bossy voice. Staring a bit longer, she looped her thick mane of raven black hair in a knot and bending closely over her reflection she touched the tip of her nose in the pool of water creating ripples that distorted her features.

"Gina," she said aloud and let out a chortle of delight. She was sure that it was her name, but she would wait until Edward said it aloud. He was the only one that might know for sure because he was the only distinct face that still existed in her memories.

And then she jumped and skipped and danced her way after the racing cars. She hardly had to run. She was so much faster.

**THE END**

* * *

_**Author Notes:**_

_Do you think this scenario sounds a bit contrived? Au contraire my dear readers. In Chapter Five, Nicholas promised Edward he would go back and warn his family. He obviously told his unstable mate where they were going before he lost his head. In Chapter Seventeen it was mentioned that some of the family cars were still back in Forks. _

_As far as Gina's missing memories, well that's another story and if I decide to write it, the title of it will be **Forgotten Memories** (of course). I don't think Gina and her hallucinations will be good for Edward, so maybe I shouldn't go there. ;o)_

_Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing. As I've said to some of you privately, if I do decide to write the sequel, I will probably write it from beginning to end before I post anything, but I'll keep my profile updated so you will know it's in the works._


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